Jump to content

When commitment phobe is *not* a player. Your stories


Sweet108

Recommended Posts

I'd like to hear stories from people who were or are in a relationship with a commitment phobic person who was not a player.

Did it end well?

Did the CP ever overcome the phobia?

From your experience, what exactly is the real issue of the CP who doesn't want anyone else either? Homosexuality ruled out, and CPs parents stayed married in loving marriage, not an only child, etc.)

 

It's so frustrating and I really want to understand.

 

TY.

Link to post
Share on other sites

My last serious relationship ended because he didn't want to commit any further. We'd been together for three years, his parents had a loving, happy marriage, he had siblings, said he was happy in our relationship, and loved me very much etc. etc.

 

From the beginning though, he seemed to have commitment issues. He had no problem being exclusive with me or entering into a relationship with me, but anything further (like living together, getting married, talking about having kids) made him feel highly uncomfortable. Some days he would discuss these things in detail and said he wanted them and with me, but his actions said otherwise.

 

I don't know if it was because his past relationships ended badly or because he had some delayed development what with living at home until his mid-twenties or what. I think perhaps if I had stuck things out for several more years he would have been eventually ready for us to move forward in our relationship. I, however, wasn't willing to wait on him any longer so I ended things.

 

We parted ways as amicably as two people can. Later, I heard through the grapevine that he had moved back in with his mother and I don't know if he has ever entered into another relationship though we've been broken up for over two years now.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I was commitment phobic but I overcame it.

 

For me it was because I feared intimacy that stemmed from low self esteem.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I'd like to hear stories from people who were or are in a relationship with a commitment phobic person who was not a player.

Did it end well?

Did the CP ever overcome the phobia?

From your experience, what exactly is the real issue of the CP who doesn't want anyone else either? Homosexuality ruled out, and CPs parents stayed married in loving marriage, not an only child, etc.)

 

It's so frustrating and I really want to understand.

 

TY.

 

I was / still am to some degree a CP. For me it's been hard to overcome because I didn't recognize it in myself for a very long time - I thought I was attracting other CP when in reality I was attracting my mirror image in relationships or I was attracting "fixers" who smothered me and tried to "fix" me and I would cut and run.

 

Did my relationships end well? Well they ended ... when you subconsciously keep everyone at arms length and don't allow yourself to attach, the pain is there when it ends but you just let it go ... once I closed the door on a relationship I felt *sad* because the relationship ended but I don't think I felt the depth of emotion that my partners felt ... more often than not my exes perceived me as cold during a break up and that break ups were "easy for me.

 

My parents stayed married also. If I want to analyze it, I can point out a dozen reasons why I'm a CP stemming back to my childhood, despite them being in a loving and committed relationship.

 

Personally, I like my freedom and independence and the story I told myself was that I would lose that by being in a committed relationship. I actually preferred being on my own and enjoyed my own company and as soon as someone didn't beat to my drum or screwed up my rhythm I felt like I was suffocating ... that feeling would be so overwhelming for me that I would bolt.

 

I also had (or have, as I'm still working on this) a paralyzing fear of intimacy. I *thought* I was letting people in and letting them get close, but I was only letting them as close as I knew how to let them. It was frustrating to my partners but again, if they pointed out that I wasn't letting them in, I would point to the door. I'm finally addressing my intimacy issues in my current relationship and my partner has been able to help me because he's aware that it's something I struggle with and it's something that I want to work on - but it had to come from ME not him telling me or trying to fix me. I've addressed it in IC, but more importantly in MC together ... I was so uncomfortable with intimacy (even him just looking directly into my eyes) that I would have a severe physical reaction - shaking, sweating, looking away - I would rather jump out a window than expose my vulnerability. But baby steps and I'm getting there. When we first talked about moving in together I had a panic attack. Holy crap the stupid excuses I came up with. And any talk of marriage?! Wouldn't even go there. It took a lot of patience and trust and me easing into things, but I got there. S-L-O-W-L-Y got there. It's still scary ... I still bolt from time to time when my monkey brain takes over but my partner just watches me drive up the street ... but the difference is now I come back and he's always there to talk about it when I do.

 

Bottom line, you can't fix it for him. He has to recognize it in himself first and then want to fix it for himself. Then he has to choose to allow someone in to help him fix it. That's been my experience anyways. Someone else's might be different. These things don't follow a formula and are always more complicated than they seem.

Edited by Kansas
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

 

Personally, I like my freedom and independence and the story I told myself was that I would lose that by being in a committed relationship. I actually preferred being on my own and enjoyed my own company and as soon as someone didn't beat to my drum or screwed up my rhythm I felt like I was suffocating ... that feeling would be so overwhelming for me that I would bolt.

 

 

While I don't consider myself truly commitment-phobic, there's a vein of this that runs through me too that I'm sure some people would consider CP.

 

I think it has more to do with maintaining healthy boundaries within relationships though. I've had ex's who either didn't respect or didn't accept that I needed time for myself to pursue my own hobbies and interests. Once they started planning out my time for me or showing resentment when I tried to take time for myself, the relationships began to unravel.

 

It had less to do with a fear of commitment than it did with misaligned needs.

Link to post
Share on other sites

While some commitment phobes could be players not all are.

 

Players serial date to get what they want & once that have their conquest they are off to the next conquest.

 

Commitment phobes are OK dating one person but have trouble with words & concepts like relationship, GF/BF and marriage

 

Both are issues if one person is looking for an LTR but some people grow out of the player stage & others eventually get comfortable enough that being with one person no longer feels like a prison but a privilege.

Link to post
Share on other sites
It's so frustrating and I really want to understand..

 

If someone does not want to commit to you it means exactly that. They do not want to commit to you.

 

You are probably nice and worth while and all that but they do not want to be with you long term. Its nothing personal - its just the way it is.

 

If you want someone long term, cut your losses now. Or 5, 10, 15 years down the line you will split up and realise that you have wasted a bucket load of time, energy and emotion. That hurts BADLY!

 

End it and free yourself up to meet someone who does want to be with you.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Calling someone a "Commitment Phobe" is an exercise in denial. This person simply has not reached the threshhold of attraction that would make them want to commit to you or anybody else.

 

When they weigh the prospect of being alone vs. being with you (or whoever), alone wins. Plus, there's the knowledge that "alone" means "alone until the next one." This decision can be for a multitude of reasons that you'll never know, including "it just doesn't feel right."

 

Now do you understand? It is a value judgment that they make. It isn't about commitment. It is about commitment to you, or whoever vs. an unknown future.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'd rather "date" a player. They don't make it drag for months or years.

 

Commitment phobe men and women will not commit, not matter what you do. You're just not it.

 

They may like you, even a lot, but they just don't love you.

 

Bottom line that I have learned in life, we can't change people. There is not amount of attention or caution that is going to make them change their mind.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...