Should I stay or leave?

[confused1001]

I'm 21 and have been with my boyfriend for over a year and a half now. For the past couple months I have been feeling confused about my relationship with my boyfriend. I don't know what initially caused it, but I feel like it may be GIGS or Grass Is Always Greener Syndrome. I don't know why I feel weird in the relationship, its just a weird feeling that maybe there is someone else out there who could make me happier. He loves me unconditionally, never judges me, and has no trouble expressing his love which I really like. Lately I have just been noticing some things that bother me. These things have always bothered me since we started dating it's just lately I have been focusing on them more where before I could just brush them off. For example, sometimes he gets in bad moods that last all day over silly things such as traffic. So when we hang out and hes in this he gets very quiet and isn't his happy self. This happens more often then id like and makes me not want to hang out with him when hes in these moods. I have talked to him about this, but I feel like its something that's hard to control. He also is very sarcastic which is often funny, however sometimes it can be very annoying when I am asking questions I actually want to know the answer to and I keep getting sarcastic answers until I get mad and he finally answers my question. There are other things too, but I won't go into every detail.

 

I feel like my issues are little things, however I feel myself wondering if they're something I'd want to live with forever if he is "the one"

 

If I would see someone else in my situation I would say "if your gut is telling you he is not the one then he is not the one" However I worry if he really could be the one and I am just over analyzing things and would regret leaving him after a few months or years.

 

I guess I just wonder if anyone else has experienced something like this and what they did. I also wonder if there is anyone who has gone through GIGs and stayed in the relationship through it and how that worked out. General advise/comments are welcome of course too

[Mirages]

You may begin by considering if you are with him solely for his needs, or if you benefit from this relationship. If you are just nice and sticking it out from generosity, then that is unhealthy. It can be awkward, to call it off if he is not clearly committing a wrong. I feel that being detached and looking at other opportunities may give perspective/confidence to decide. Being lukewarm in a relationship often leads to those grumpy bickering 80 year olds who have no positive energy! Maybe I am looking ahead too much, I've known to many of those...

 

If any decision to detach is made, you don't have to guarantee a permanent detachment, you don't have to be all rude and guarded, nice detachments work best if the fellow is decent. The two of you might find yourselves together again in a year.

 

Based on limited information it is difficult to advise more clearly on this this coin can fall on either side.

[confused1001]

It can be awkward, to call it off if he is not clearly committing a wrong. I feel that being detached and looking at other opportunities may give perspective/confidence to decide.

 

The thing I am stuck on is if he is not clearly committing a wrong is it okay to leave him? Or am I going to regret it in the future? I know you can't answer this directly, it's just my thought precess.

[Mirages]

It is good that you have a thought process, many people do not.

 

Within both Judeo-Christian and secular views on this, it is fine to leave someone without having a specific wrong on their part (prior to marriage in the secular and Christian traditions, or during marriage in the Jewish tradition). Selection is just that, selection. Morally you are fine to split within the majority view. I think in another decade you may see that more clearly. I commented because I was in a similar situation a while back, resulted in over a decade of marriage, kids, she went insane and life got complicated. Lack of "fizz" in the relationship was an issue, crazyness was a greater issue. I am just one datapoint, if you are not delighted I would be honest, and give yourself some time apart.

 

Proving grounds: If he is really a great asset to you, in a year when you've had time apart, then you and he can decide to get back together, and you'd lack your doubts then.

 

How's that for a thought process?

[confused1001]

You have good points.

I appreciate that you have experience in this. If you don't mind sharing, did you notice any problems before you got married or did you seem to notice them after?

[c0nfused88]

I feel the need to reply to this since we have similar user names as well as similar situations. I had started dating my boyfriend when I was 19 and had these feelings a bit later-- around 23 or so. Are you guys living together? That could make GIGS that much more difficult if you feel the need to just explore for a while.

 

Is he your first boyfriend? First sexual partner?

 

In my situation we did break up for a while. We remained in close contact (I know shocking despite all of the NC believers around here). It was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. We are back together and very happy. Looking back, I do regret having to break up at all or live apart. I wish I would have tried counseling, individual counseling back then. I wish I would have worked on my own self esteem and evaluated what I wanted in life.

 

There will be little things about any man that bug you. The honeymoon phase is addicting. Perhaps you're starting to feel comfortable and seeing your friends having fun and dating around. I totally get that. I wish I would never have risked my relationship for it though. Perhaps give it a bit of time? Try to find that excitement in a new hobby? take up painting? join a sports team? start volunteering? Find something you can put passion into, have time apart from the boyfriend and be able to appreciate one another more together. Plus, it makes you that much more of an interesting person even if you breakup and you have a new outlet as well.

 

Overall, I would advise trying some counseling to figure yourself out first before any quick decisions that you might regret. You could try talking to him about but be careful how you approach it. He may have similar feelings as well.

[confused1001]

C0nfused88:

I really appreciate you sharing your experience. I have been feeling this way for about three months now. I have spoken to my boyfriend about my weird feelings about four times now and have confronted him about what is bothering me i.e. the bad moods, sarcasm, etc. some of it he says in just part of his personality, he can't change it and I don't expect or want him to not be himself around me. This is why I wonder if maybe he is not 'the one' or if maybe I am just over analyzing these small problems.We are currently doing long distance. we see each other about two weekends every month so I am able to get a little space there. I actually am going to be starting individual counseling soon to so we will see how that goes.

[c0nfused88]

Have you confronted him about your overall doubts about the relationship or its long term potential or just about the things that irk you? Do you have any plans to make it not ldr?

 

C0nfused88:

I really appreciate you sharing your experience. I have been feeling this way for about three months now. I have spoken to my boyfriend about my weird feelings about four times now and have confronted him about what is bothering me i.e. the bad moods, sarcasm, etc. some of it he says in just part of his personality, he can't change it and I don't expect or want him to not be himself around me. This is why I wonder if maybe he is not 'the one' or if maybe I am just over analyzing these small problems.We are currently doing long distance. we see each other about two weekends every month so I am able to get a little space there. I actually am going to be starting individual counseling soon to so we will see how that goes.

[confused1001]

Have you confronted him about your overall doubts about the relationship or its long term potential or just about the things that irk you? Do you have any plans to make it not ldr?

I have confronted him both about my doubts about the relationship as well as the things that bother me. I am in school and will graduate in 2016 so after that we would hopefully not have to do LDR anymore. We do get to spend summer and winter break together as well.

[c0nfused88]

Did you just spend summer break together now? Was it any better or is that when the doubts started?

 

Kind of a sucky question-- but is there anyone you're potentially interested in? A male friend that is starting to show interest or look cute? I say that because it was hard for me to admit and come to realize that was a motivating factor for me which I think can coincide with GIGS

 

I have confronted him both about my doubts about the relationship as well as the things that bother me. I am in school and will graduate in 2016 so after that we would hopefully not have to do LDR anymore. We do get to spend summer and winter break together as well.

[confused1001]

We spent this last summer break together. That was when I started getting doubts. It started because I saw someone who I used to have feelings for (before I even knew my bf) and started thinking about him. Then after a while I realized that there is no point in thinking about this other guy because he has way to many things that are huge turn offs for me. Now I don't have any particular person in mind that I am interested in other than random cute guys that I see, but don't go after because I am in a relationship

[Mirages]

If you don't mind sharing, did you notice any problems before you got married or did you seem to notice them after?

Yes, before the marriage I noticed emotional instability, obsessiveness. I realized that this person was significantly different from "Average America." What I found attractive may have been that she was somewhat receptive, and seemed to progress in life when with me; ended very quick. My issues were intense, related to a later determined psychosis on her end. I don't want to bore you with details, but yes, I knew she was not my type prior to marriage; like you, a sense of un-warranted "Commitment," got me hitched.

 

I know that at 20, I often viewed my choices under great scrutiny of both God, the community, etc. That perspective really took 1/4 of my life away. It was like if I ended a relationship back then Anderson Cooper was going to have me on the evening news. As you can imagine, it's not that big a deal. The sad thing is, the patchwork repairs are often not appropriate during early age dating; we (collectively as a society) need to take ourselves less seriously and live a little. You are not a nun in a monastery, the only oaths you should be bound to are to be fair to people and not lie...

 

I appreciate that you have experience in this.

Pun intended: I lacked experience, so I messed up!, but I get your point. My career did come into contact with a lot of types like you; I do not know that doubts fizzle away on their own.

 

A thought: you might wish to evaluate yourself on the Myers Briggs personality profile. Look online, plenty of tests, it is a 4 digit binary result, too much math, I know... You answer questions to a website and it give you a letter set, such as ISFP, or whatever. You get him to test the same way if you can approach him, and use the results to look at each other. This typology is rather accurate/helpful.

[chados]

We spent this last summer break together. That was when I started getting doubts. It started because I saw someone who I used to have feelings for (before I even knew my bf) and started thinking about him. Then after a while I realized that there is no point in thinking about this other guy because he has way to many things that are huge turn offs for me. Now I don't have any particular person in mind that I am interested in other than random cute guys that I see, but don't go after because I am in a relationship

 

 

 

these phases when you have small crushes will pass or not be as important when you feel that your relationship is good. LDR can cause this to happen.

its because either the guy becomes to distant and starts hurting your feelings for to long, cause at first it can make you want him more, and then it becomes to much to handle. or because he's getting to close and you feel that you dont have to work for him yourself at all.