cmonman Posted September 30, 2014 Share Posted September 30, 2014 I have been talking to a girl for a little less than 3 months now, and for the first 2 months everything was going fantastic. She was everything I've ever wanted in a woman, and we both seemed to be on the same page that we had found something special. We are both in our late 20s, and both have been through a lot of personal growth, however, about a month ago she decided to change jobs and since then everything has become different. She is obviously stressed. She has had her job for 6+ years, and all of her friends are there (for the most part). So even though she is excited about this life change, she is also having a hard time, and is getting a lot of "are you SURE you're making a good decision????" type comments from her co-workers. Obviously, I might expect her to be a little distracted, but since this all started about a month ago, she has become progressively closed off, to the point now that she barely even talks to me outside of sending me one or two texts a day of something like "work sucks" and then won't respond if I ask what's happening. In person, she is very distant, and has almost completely become disinterested in physical intimacy. 2 nights ago, I sent her a text saying I'd like to chat (literally that simple) and she sent me a HUGE text back saying that she's sorry I've felt ignored for the past several weeks, but there is nothing she can do and that she only has 24 hours in a day and I'm not the only person feeling put off by her and on and on.... even proceeding to break down her day by the hour to illustrate how little time she has. Keep in mind, I have been completely supportive of everything, never voicing my concerns at all. This is 100% her being defensive. I don't know how to respond. I simply said "I understand, I actually just wanted to tell you that I've noticed you've been stressed and that I'm here if you need me." She finally leaves her job this week and has a couple of weeks to transition. I'm hoping things get better, but I feel like her defensiveness is kind of a huge red flag for our relationship. Should I bring this up it some point, or chalk it up to a massive stress? Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted September 30, 2014 Share Posted September 30, 2014 You need to give her some space. She is under pressure right now and cannot deal with you and probably others demanding more time. She needs to focus right now on her own wellbeing. Write her one quick text and say you understand, Go focus on what you need to focus on, and holler when you get freed up, good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 30, 2014 Share Posted September 30, 2014 Chalk it up to massive stress. Send her flowers to wish her well on her 1st day of work. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
confused1001 Posted October 1, 2014 Share Posted October 1, 2014 I believe if someone really cares about you they will make time for you. If she can't find one little moment in the day to see you, call you or even text you then it doesn't seem worth it to me. I think you should give her some space and see if she comes back to you when she is not so stressed. I'm not saying wait around for her. Give her space to do her thing and take time to do your own thing. That may include talking to other women if you want to. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted October 1, 2014 Share Posted October 1, 2014 Back in my younger days, I was self employed, a slave to the weather and had to make every non rainy day count and this went on for 31 years and I know what stress is because lived it but one thing I never did and that was take my irritation due to stress out on others especially the ones close to me. If she thinks that this stress is bad, then she's in for a real eye opener when the real deal comes visiting and by then she'll have no one to fall back on for a comforting word if she doesn't soon learn how to pick and choose her word a bit more carefully. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Haerts Posted October 1, 2014 Share Posted October 1, 2014 I agree with bubbaganoosh. You're being supportive and caring, yet she's always saying she doesn't have time for you and is always distant. Someone who likes you would never do that, as stressed as they may be - instead, I suppose they would want to be with you to feel better and calm. Give her space, but go on living your own life. If she doesn't have time for you, then use your time on someone who does. Go live your life and see how it goes. If she eventually come back and you're free, then you can see whether you should give her another try or not. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cmonman Posted October 1, 2014 Author Share Posted October 1, 2014 Thanks guys for all the replies. For those saying that she deserves space, I agree, but I'm curious what you guys think about one detail that has really started to bug me. She has not asked what I've been up to in almost a week now. This might sound really selfish, but I noticed this over the weekend, when she would only text me updates on what she was up to every few hours, and my friends who I was out drinking with, were like "do you think it's stressing her out that she's not able to join us?" And I realized... She has no clue what I'm doing. I could be on a date right now for all she knows. I mean, she didn't used to be like this AT ALL, she has always been a very compassionate person. What do you guys think? Is that weird? Link to post Share on other sites
Assasda Posted October 1, 2014 Share Posted October 1, 2014 Thanks guys for all the replies. For those saying that she deserves space, I agree, but I'm curious what you guys think about one detail that has really started to bug me. She has not asked what I've been up to in almost a week now. This might sound really selfish, but I noticed this over the weekend, when she would only text me updates on what she was up to every few hours, and my friends who I was out drinking with, were like "do you think it's stressing her out that she's not able to join us?" And I realized... She has no clue what I'm doing. I could be on a date right now for all she knows. I mean, she didn't used to be like this AT ALL, she has always been a very compassionate person. What do you guys think? Is that weird? Be more secure in yourself. So she hasnt been asking you stuff. Big deal. You need to have guy friends to tell that to. - If she asks later on down the line you can tell her, but it isnt something that you should be worrying about Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 1, 2014 Share Posted October 1, 2014 You have only known this woman for 90 days & for 30 of those days her entire life has been in upheaval as she changes jobs. Of course she is stressed. Of course she doesn't have time for you. You haven't been in her life long enough for her to rely on you when things are chaotic. Let her finish the transition to the new job. Be supportive & amazing during this time in her life. Make this little sacrifice for her by not being the demanding attention seeking new BF. When she gets settled into her new job, see how she is. Things should be fine then. If not, then you can bail but dumping her now is selfish on your part. Rather than complaining, ask her how you can make her transition smoother. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted October 1, 2014 Share Posted October 1, 2014 You have only known this woman for 90 days & for 30 of those days her entire life has been in upheaval as she changes jobs. Of course she is stressed. Of course she doesn't have time for you. You haven't been in her life long enough for her to rely on you when things are chaotic. Let her finish the transition to the new job. Be supportive & amazing during this time in her life. Make this little sacrifice for her by not being the demanding attention seeking new BF. When she gets settled into her new job, see how she is. Things should be fine then. If not, then you can bail but dumping her now is selfish on your part. Rather than complaining, ask her how you can make her transition smoother. I second that. Its major stress made worse by others... Give her time she is feeling very overwhelmed at the moment hence the outburst. Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted October 1, 2014 Share Posted October 1, 2014 I disagree with the advice to give her space. It sounds like she's lost interest in the relationship already, which is why she's blowing you off. I worked full-time and went to grad school at night, and I always found time to date. That whole "give me more time" line is just an excuse. If a guy pulled back on me and left me hanging, I'd move on to meet someone else who has and makes time for me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 1, 2014 Share Posted October 1, 2014 I disagree with the advice to give her space. It sounds like she's lost interest in the relationship already, which is why she's blowing you off. I worked full-time and went to grad school at night, and I always found time to date. That whole "give me more time" line is just an excuse. If a guy pulled back on me and left me hanging, I'd move on to meet someone else who has and makes time for me. There's a balance. If she has a lot on her plate, him pursing her & demanding time she doesn't have will push her away but disappearing won't work either. That's why I suggested he support her & ask how he can help her transition. Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted October 1, 2014 Share Posted October 1, 2014 I never push away a guy I'm head over heels for, no matter what is going on in my life. A job is a job. She's pushing the OP away because she's not as interested in being with him and she's too big of a coward to just be honest with him. That's why she rebuffs his offers of support. She's a fool. OP you deserve better. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 1, 2014 Share Posted October 1, 2014 I pushed DH away hard at the beginning of our relationship after the death of someone close to me. I just didn't want to deal. Fortunately he realized it was my grief talking & stuck around. At times when my career has been particularly stressful I have forcefully told people to back off. I would make some sporadic time for them when I could but it might have been catch as catch can. Those temporary stressors only ruined a relationship if the guy got whiney & clingy. Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted October 1, 2014 Share Posted October 1, 2014 At 60 - 90 days, you're simply not as close as you think you are. There may or may not be willingness to explore the depths, but there is no way that you've come to know this person. So right now, each of you is giving off signals regarding your interest in moving forward. Hers have either turned away, or have been put in a hold pattern; in other words, this could be temporary due to her situation, or it could be the first of many signs telling you to move on. Of course, you know this, which is why you're posting. Your "temporary vs. permanent" question will only be answered in time. You're getting a couple of texts a day, "work sucks". Try "yep" in reply instead of whatever you're sending. She's obviously thinking of you, but it is hard to tell why. Don't initiate a text every day. Back off of the physical contact. Say no every once in a while, and prepare yourself for this to continue by getting out there and meeting new people, just in case you need them. "Giving her space" doesn't mean "sit back and wait to see what she wants", at least not in my mind. To me, it means "assume she's backing off while leaving the door open." But also know that this is a facet of her personality. She withdraws under stress, or maybe she doesn't give you the courtesy of telling you when she feels some level of disinterest. Both of these things are selfish in nature, and if you stick with her, you're going to see them again, assuming you're around long enough to do so. Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted October 1, 2014 Share Posted October 1, 2014 Heard someone say that women are like bread. You got to leave them alone to get a rise out of them. That's what I would do. If it was me, I would back off the situation and go live your life and when she comes out of her rabbit hole then you have the choice if you want to continue or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cmonman Posted October 1, 2014 Author Share Posted October 1, 2014 Thanks guys. I agree with both sides of what people are saying. On the one hand, I HAVE been giving her space. Like I said, me saying "I'd like to chat" was the only thing I had said that wasn't supportive in the entire time I've noticed the stress. I agree that she needs the space (especially after that long text). But I also agree with the other side, because I have been crazy stressed out before and I never let it affect how I treat people. And if it does, I find it important to tell them and be open about things. The fact is, she obviously has known for weeks now (based on her text) that she has been acting weird and distant to me, but instead of communicating with me like an adult, she is being defensive at the slightlest mention of wanting to talk about it. I have been back to giving her space, and she seems to be a little more open in the past few days, but not much. I'm not going to say anything else to her until things calm down for her. I feel like I need to say SOMETHING though, when she's ready to hear it. Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted October 1, 2014 Share Posted October 1, 2014 Chalk it up to massive stress. Send her flowers to wish her well on her 1st day of work. So she treats him like garbage, and he is supposed to reward her? HELLZ NO. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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