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boyfriend can't get over me sleeping with his friend 3 years ago, heart broken


lucy colette

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I am in a relationship with an amazing guy - he is 35 I am 25. We haven't been together for that long - only 6 months - but we are living together (at least for the time being.m I love him deeply and he loves me deeply too.

 

3 years ago, I met him at a party with his friend. I made a huge mistake - I slept with his friend, and his friend later told me he had a girlfriend. It was not that I chose his friend over him - he had gone home. I think he has an inferiority complex with his friend - who is an ass - he is a sucessfulish artist. After that, my boyfriend and I did not talk for 2.5 years, then he contacted me for a date. He canceled the first date - he asked his friend, what if I fall in love with her and want to marry her? Now he tells me this is all coming into play.

 

This is NOT something I am in the habit of doing - I have slept with 7 people 5 in relationships and 2 outside of them. Also, I was drunk and on several psychiatric medications because I had been very depressed (lexapro, xanax, etc. I am not saying this to absolve responsibility, but to explain the situation. I can hardly remember it at all, but he doesnt believe me.

 

Now, my boyfriend is OBSESSED with this :(. In the beginning it wasn't an issue, but he says the more he loves me the worse it is. He no longer speak s to his best friend of ten years. He is tormented by it - the smallest thing reminds him of it, he has nightmares about it, says he has to keep his eyes open or all he can imagine is his friend having sex with me. As you can imagine, we no longer have sex often at all :(

 

The worst is when he starts asking for details - he asks me question after question, and won't stop. Every answer I give is wrong. I never know when it will happen. Everything will be fine and then he'll start joking about it, then he will get super upset, hardly look at me, and the tension will be so thick you could cut it with a knife. Sometimes he makes cruel jokes to upset me. He said his worst nightmare has always been ' to date one of ***'s "little ****"'He has said he might not be able to get over it.

 

It has come to the point every time he asks a question, my heart sinks. I feel like a part of me dies. It is tormenting me as much as it is tormenting him. I feel like he thinks I'm a slut.

 

I know he doesnt want to do this - we went to couples therapy about it. He says it has always been an issue in past relationships, but now its a million times worse because he knows how ****ty his friend is. My therapist made him go through the worst case scenario - I enjoyed, wanted to date his friend, was sad I couldn't. This is NOT the case at all, I hardly remember it and what I d o remember was not enjoyable. he doesnt believe this - he called me yesterday before his day of work and asked 'how could I know I didn't enjoy it if I dont remember it'?

 

My therapist gave him good advice, and he is very self aware. Still, sometimes when he gets a little drunk (a lot lately } he goes into a state where he loses perspective. It seems like it happens when he is stressed about something else too, as if he wants to avoid thinking about it. He has still been asking me more questions, making cruel jokes. In therapy, he said sometimes he feels like he has a 'free pass' he knows this isnt true, and wouldn't act on it, but it is so so so utterly irrational that he would think he has a free pass to get back at me for something I did 3 years ago that had nothing to do with him.

 

What should I do? It's gotten to the point where I sometimes doubt that I love him, but I imagine life without him and I am heartbroken. It breaks my heart that he loses perspective, focuses on one issue when the rest of our relationship is so great. This hurts me so much. Some of what he says and does is hard to accept - my therapist said it is almost emotional abuse, and he admitted that this has occurred to the point where it was almost abusive in the past. I don't think he realizes HOW much he is hurting me now, even though I've tried to tell him. He thinks I get mad, which sometimes I do. Sometimes I can hardly control myself, but it stems from sadness. :(:(:(

 

I'm at a loss. How can this get better? Does he think I'm a slut? WIll it get better? Do I need to break up with him?

 

Thanks for reading. I am thankful for any and all advice.

 

PS. He is very religious in some ways, but in no way an example of sexual purity. He has slept with several people, had one night stands. He admits its not fair for him to judge me differently than himself [although he often feels guilty about it ] but he still does.

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Someone people find it harder to move on than others. Maybe he missed something about you but just can't quiet get over the fact that you cheated on him. It will always be nagging at him in the back of his mind. At this point I think it is best if you both reconsider this relationship.

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If it were me I would skim over it telling him that I couldn't remember the night very well as it didn't make that much of an impression.

 

His best friend has seen you naked. That is what he is worried about!

 

You are not a slut. This is not your problem. It is his. he needs to sort himself out.

 

If he continues on like this I am afraid I would advise you end it before he ruins your confidence and self esteem...

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Men who are insecure like this usually find something. If it wasn't his friend, it would be some other guy at another point...

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Ninjainpajamas

"I'm at a loss. How can this get better? Does he think I'm a slut? WIll it get better? Do I need to break up with him?"

 

It can't get better.

 

Yes, he thinks you're a slut.

 

No...he will only repress his anger but always resent you for it and he'll never forget.

 

Yes...the sooner you break up with him the better.

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He's pretty messed up if he asked you out in the first place knowing his friend basically pumped and dumped you. I don't know about the slut thing, but guys in the same social circle can be really weird like that. Seriously dating a woman another guy did that to is basically admitting you're inferior to him, and secure or not that's pretty unappealing to just about every guy on the planet.

 

It's not fixable.

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Break up with him.

 

He'll never get over this and if it wasn't his friend he'd be fixated on some other guy you slept with. This has been an issue for him in the past, it's one for him in the present, and will be one for him in the future. His behavior is abusive and obsessive. And on top of it, it seems he's developing a bit of a drinking problem...a real winner this one.

 

Yes, you probably will be heartbroken to break up with him, but then, I assure you, you will get over it just like every other heart break you have experienced and you know the best part? You won't have to put up with this crap on a day to day basis anymore.

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Break up. He can't get over his own inferiority complex and this will be an ongoing point of contention. Find someone else without the hangups - you'll both be happier in the long run. And don't believe him if he says he can get over this - it will be a desperation play not based in reality.

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He knew before he got involved with you that this would be a big problem for him, but he chose to get involved, anyway. I guess he needed to dive into the problem and wrestle with it for a while, for his own reasons. I agree he's unlikely to get over it. If I were you, I'd move out and break up with him.

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He has a severe personality disorder and you're making a mistake to stay with him.

 

yes, he does. that is perceptive of you. i didn't want to disclose this because i didn't want to bias the post. do you have experience with this?

 

he has a dual diagnosis. i'm not sure what the second one is. he alludes to it being bipolar, but i think its borderline.... the thing is, i've been diagnosed with this myself. i am in therapy and am getting much better, but much of the insecurity up and down i relate to, which may be why everything happened so fast, we are so close, everything is intense...

 

have you been involved with someone like this? can i pm you? not sure how this works

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thank you for all of your replies.

 

And don't believe him if he says he can get over this - it will be a desperation play not based in reality.

 

i don't want to break up because i love him, but i'm starting to wonder if i need to do so for my self respect if he keeps treating me this way. its an awful thought, but sometimes i wonder if i broke up with him, went to go stay somewhere else for a while, etc, he would realize how unfair he has been. if not, i guess thats ok , and i'll be better for it eventually.

 

do you think that might be the wakeup call he needs? is that pathetic to think?

 

He's pretty messed up if he asked you out in the first place knowing his friend basically pumped and dumped you. I/QUOTE]

 

right well, i wouldn't call it pumped and dumped exactly because I WAS NOT into this guY and he had a gf. but i know how the doube standard goes. i guess in therapy i realized this and it became a fear because he said he was worried i liked it and wanted to date his friend. frankly thats an insult to my intellegence.

 

in the pst he said he doesnt judge me at all, its his problem and posessiveness hedoesnt like thinking about him touching me etc. my therapist pointed out is was jealousy. he said he doesnt want to have this double standard for women, asked what i got out of it, etc. he thinks his friend is a piece of ****. his gf is a model, he has said how his friend only dates models but ****s 'normal' girls, and how he had a three some with a sports illustrated model the week before he slept w me [great?]. sometimes i do worry that he is a social climber, and this profoundly bothers me. i do worry im not good enough because his friend slept with me and didnt date me. but this makes no sense - obviously im not a model, he calls me beautiful and gorgeous everyday, he doesnt want to date models, doesnt think his friends gf is pretty [shes not, shes model beautiful but not pretty] and he says shes dumb as a brick. so id like to think that dating me doesnt make him feel inferior, also based on his anger, dreams that i slept with him sevarl times, dreams where his friend is hitting on me, etc. buuut it does make me feel that way sometimes. idk. hope this isnt it.

 

 

Break up with him.

 

He'll never get over this and if it wasn't his friend he'd be fixated on some other guy you slept with. This has been an issue for him in the past, it's one for him in the present, and will be one for him in the future. His behavior is abusive and obsessive. And on top of it, it seems he's developing a bit of a drinking problem...a real winner this one.

/QUOTE]

 

yes, he has said this in depth. many times that it has always been an issue. he said my therapist didnt answer HIS question about why he does this (haha thats not how couples therapy works].

 

im leaning towards telling him, if/when it happens again, how much it hurts me, how i feel that he is judging me, that there is more to our relationship and me than me sleeping w his freind once. 3 years ago. drunk and on 3 drugs. when i was 22. i've told him that if he really can't get over this, hes a dip**** [in so many words] and its his loss. which of course, isnt kind and understanding which my therapist says is the only way to defeat this, in addition to ignoring his questions. i will tell him i cant take it anymore, and unless we keep going to therapy and he stops we will have to break up.

 

thanks again for your advice.

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He's weirded out that his best friend has been inside of you and has seen you in your most intimate persona. For all he knows, you went wild on his pal, or maybe his friend thinks you were a limp rag in the sack. Either way, I'm sure he gets teased about it. I think that's reasonably normal. Some guys care, some don't.

 

The fact that he has these other problems going on is where things have gone haywire. A guy who cares about that would have either gotten over it or bailed on you at some point. A guy who doesn't care, well, he wouldn't change his mind.

 

But your "disordered" friend now has one more thing he can't think straight about.

 

It seems to me that this just one of many problems you'd end up dealing with because of the mental issues. You're lucky, in my opinion, that he has a problem that seems to make you unacceptable. Next time, choose a guy who doesn't create his own drama.

 

Cut your losses, and cut his, and good luck to you both.

Edited by mightycpa
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He's pretty messed up if he asked you out in the first place knowing his friend basically pumped and dumped you. I don't know about the slut thing, but guys in the same social circle can be really weird like that. Seriously dating a woman another guy did that to is basically admitting you're inferior to him, and secure or not that's pretty unappealing to just about every guy on the planet.

 

It's not fixable.

 

Nah, this is his issue - his friend had a one night stand with her. So what? These things happen.

 

It's about respect - either he has it or he doesn't. If he doesn't then dump him (and fast).

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Because it's his friend he can't get past it. Especially if his feels inferior / competitive with this friend he's never going to get over the fact that the other guy "got there 1st". I don't really think he thinks you are a slut; if it was some random dude he might be able to get over it but not his buddy.

 

You can't fix this so I hope you have a new place to live.

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acrosstheuniverse

Whatever his feelings of jealousy/inferiority towards his best friend and the fact you slept together, the guy is an abusive and manipulative jerk. Either he wants to be with you and will at least attempt to come to terms with it and treat you kindly, or he should just break it off. As he's doing neither, I think the impetus is now on you to break it off, find somewhere new to live and move on to somebody who isn't going to choose to spend their time making you feel guilty for having done nothing wrong.

 

You've been together six months: no relationship should be anything but sunshine, kittens and rainbows at six months. If it's this bad already it's never gonna get better.

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Nah, this is his issue - his friend had a one night stand with her. So what? These things happen.

 

It's about respect - either he has it or he doesn't. If he doesn't then dump him (and fast).

I'm all for women being sexual and having fun but you have to be careful what you do in certain social circles if you're looking for anything long term there. Trust me, if you found out that guy you're saving yourself for bonked one of your friends the first night and was making you wait a while it would irk you. Deeply.

 

Same thing vice versa with guys. I've seen womens blood boil more than once after finding out their guy slept with a certain woman they don't like or respect much.

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Whatever his feelings of jealousy/inferiority towards his best friend and the fact you slept together, the guy is an abusive and manipulative jerk. Either he wants to be with you and will at least attempt to come to terms with it and treat you kindly, or he should just break it off. As he's doing neither, I think the impetus is now on you to break it off, find somewhere new to live and move on to somebody who isn't going to choose to spend their time making you feel guilty for having done nothing wrong.

 

You've been together six months: no relationship should be anything but sunshine, kittens and rainbows at six months. If it's this bad already it's never gonna get better.

 

I'm starting to agree that it's abusive - esp after my therapist and even he said it - but I can't really understand why. Also manipulative - he makes me feels shamed and bad about myself yes, but I know it really is crippling to him too. I don't THINK he's trying to hurt me, but sometimes it does feel like he's trying to "get even" which boy oh boy I hink he has. It's irrational and painful to be punished for something I did 3 years ago , but is there hope if he's self aware and is making an effort to stop? Therapy, talking to friends, erc

 

Thanks for your reply. Do you think you could elaborate more on what you mean by abusive / manipulative? Do you think this is a control thing? Just trying to understand / clarify my thoughts

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I'm all for women being sexual and having fun but you have to be careful what you do in certain social circles if you're looking for anything long term there. Trust me, if you found out that guy you're saving yourself for bonked one of your friends the first night and was making you wait a while it would irk you. Deeply.

 

Same thing vice versa with guys. I've seen womens blood boil more than once after finding out their guy slept with a certain woman they don't like or respect much.

 

This. This right here is important.

 

He is absolutely right. On both things. Be care of whom you "do" in your social circles, AND this would the identical reaction should the roles be reversed.

 

EDIT: Just to include: I am not saying you did "wrong" by doing it, just be smarter about whom you see int hat way and whom you end up dating.

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I honestly think this is his personal problem and not any problem you caused. It's something he needs to deal with on his own. He's never going to be comfortable with any woman having prior lovers is my guess.

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I dont understand your BF asked you out in the first place. Really stupid of him to do that.

 

 

He is in some sort of competition with his best friend. He lost, you choose the best friend initially (I don't care and neither does he about the not remembering part).

 

 

Maybe he has a problem with you sleeping with people who have a GF. Of this whole thing that's the only thing that would irk me.

 

 

But the biggest thing is you have slept with someone in his ingroup. Men (though I think people is more likely) do not have relations with women men in his social circle have previously been with. It has nothing to do jealousy/insecurity/whatever, it is evolutionary psychology and the need for group cohesion.

 

 

You did nothing wrong that night. But he did everything wrong in asking you out in the first place. He should not have done that.

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God your bf needs to get a life!

 

You need to quit indulging him in this sh*t. STOP answering his questions about it and stop telling the story, if he brings it up tell him to STOP IT. You should have told the story/answered questions ONCE (if you really wanted to) and then not again. Quit feeding his insecure obsession.

 

Since you really want to stay with him, try that. Tell him in no uncertain terms that this subject is off limits and if he has a problem with it, he can go.

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Can he sleep with this other man's girlfriend and get even?

 

Otherwise, move out and tell him you should both date other people with the option to keep dating each other as well. Maybe he needs to see who else is out there and decide if you are worth the aggravation (to his way of thinking).

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evanescentworld

You can't fix him.

You can't fix his problem.

You can't want him to fix his problem.

You can't even WANT his problem to be fixed.

Because it is precisely that: HIS problem.

 

You've done enough self-beating and gnashing of teeth and tearing out of hair.

You're sorry, right?

You wish it hadn't happened - but it did, right?

It was years ago, right?

It's over. Done with. In the past. A memory. Finished with.

 

Right?

 

If you can get that through your head, that's all you need to remember.

You don't want to KNOW the dumbass stuff I got up to at 22!

No, laugh all you want, people - believe me, you don't.

 

Do I carry it still?

Beat myself up with it?

Hang my head in shame and remorse?

Do I Fuq....

 

If he won't let the matter lie, that really is his burden to carry and baggage to drag around.

Don't be the Luggage-monkey.

 

If he can't deal with it, then you need to safeguard your own well-being.

Much as you love him, no love requires you put up with this kind of treatment.

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Someone people find it harder to move on than others. Maybe he missed something about you but just can't quiet get over the fact that you cheated on him. It will always be nagging at him in the back of his mind. At this point I think it is best if you both reconsider this relationship.

I know this is a relatively early post in the thread, but I think this is such a misunderstanding that it needs to be clarified: she didn't cheat on him. She met two new people at a party. She slept with one of them, and 2.5 years later, she started dating the other one, who is having significant problems dealing with something she did 2.5 years before they started dating.

 

I'm with the others who suggest that he's not going to have an easy time of getting over this, and that it's his fault.

 

You don't owe him and apology for your choice back then - you weren't with him at that time (unless I'm misunderstanding your timeline.) You may choose to decide whether you think it was a good choice for you, but he is not entitled to feel like you owe him an apology or that you have to make it right or offer penance or anything like that. Don't put yourself in that position.

 

And your feeling like he feels like you're a "slut" - screw that! You get to own your sexuality and your choices. If that doesn't work for him, he's absolutely entitled to step away from the relationship, but you don't need to take on his burden of jealousy. That is truly his burden to deal with.

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