Im afraid my boyfriend is dating me only for the sake of dating someone

[marycc]

We have been dating for 9 months and there's been some issues sometimes, But nothing extreme, i guess. I have talked about these issues here on another threads, you can check it if you want to.

So, lately i've been feeling afraid that my boyfriend is dating me only for the sake of it.. i'll explain why: my boyfriend used to have a blog and when i read it i realized that it seemed like he used to get interested in girls very fast and easy, it was one crush after another...and he admitted it was true. So it feels like he was desesperate to find a girlfriend, no matter who, just someone that would make him feel better about himself , maybe he thought he was a loser, because by that time he was already 19 and have never had a girlfriend. He even told me that he has a lot of female friends because be used to get friendzoned a lot...sometimes they weren't interested in him or they were ex girl friends of his friends.

Then we met and although i was interested in him, i was still with my ex boyfriend who was abusive and had me under control because he was constantly threatning me , saying he would kill himself if i left him. So in these circumstances there were times where i had to stop talking with my current boyfriend.. And on two of those ocasions my boyfriend got interested in other girls and even told them so , and the second time that happened he already knew that my boyfriend at the time would threat me and stuff, it wasnt like he didn't knew why i stopped talking to him. I feel like he couldnt stand to be alone and had the urge to find a girlfriend ASAP . he used to say that he liked me But when i would stop to talking to him he HAD to find other Girls to talk to...however they weren't interested in him so he would start to talk to me again ... And eventually we started dating.

Basically im afraid he is just using me to boost his ego, feel less like a loser. I know that right now he is with me... But i care about how this happened, about the fact that he might be with me because he loves the idea of having a girlfriend and not because he truly loves me ...and he might have been with me for 9 months because he is 21 and im his first girlfriend , he doesnt want to lose me because he is afraid of being alone and might not get a girlfriend so soon...that's why he might have been holding on, even when we fight and have bad days.I have already talked to him about this and he just denies everything.

Any advice? Should i do something?

[Assasda]

Seems like youre still under some weird control.

You know all about his feelings, but how do you feel about him?

Are you just some blank slate?

[ascendotum]

Lots of people are with someone for the sake of being in a relationship. There might be an element of truth to what you say, but in the absence of this information in his blog, how was the relationship? Was it great and were you happy otherwise?

Sounds like your ex was the loser. You ideally don't want to be with someone who is just going out with you for the sake of not being single, and it might have started out this way, but the dynamic might have changed over time. His self esteem now might be better and as he got to know you better, he might fully appreciate you for who you are. Hopefully you willbe able to tell.

[Natsu21]

Lots of people are with someone for the sake of being in a relationship. There might be an element of truth to what you say, but in the absence of this information in his blog, how was the relationship? Was it great and were you happy otherwise?

Sounds like your ex was the loser. You ideally don't want to be with someone who is just going out with you for the sake of not being single, and it might have started out this way, but the dynamic might have changed over time. His self esteem now might be better and as he got to know you better, he might fully appreciate you for who you are. Hopefully you willbe able to tell.

 

Speaking from experience, I dated my ex for the sake of having one, but as I got to know her, she started amazing me....

 

And before I knew it I was head over heels for her.

[marycc]

What do you mean? Do you think my boyfriend is controlling me?

Well, i Love him and we share many interests, when i'm having problems he listens to me, understands and even tries to help, when we are apart he texts me during the day and calls to know about me, our sense of humor is the same and he makes me feel good a lot of times...however im afraid he is being fake when he does this stuff just to please me and keep his girlfriend around, because of what i said before, im afraid this is all an illusion .

[marycc]

But it's so unfair, so when we started dating he was basically using me. I think i might break up with him This week, i can't stand the thought of being used to make him feel less like a loser, i cant stand the thought of not being genuinly adored when se started things, because what i felt/feel for him was so strong. But i'm not anos object.

[Assasda]

What do you mean? Do you think my boyfriend is controlling me?

Well, i Love him and we share many interests, when i'm having problems he listens to me, understands and even tries to help, when we are apart he texts me during the day and calls to know about me, our sense of humor is the same and he makes me feel good a lot of times...however im afraid he is being fake when he does this stuff just to please me and keep his girlfriend around, because of what i said before, im afraid this is all an illusion .

 

This is fascinating then.

Because surely after 9 months you must know when he's faking and when he's being sincere.

 

If he is being sincere, OP I think you have really low self-esteem problems

or

Are you the one here, that is just going along with the fakeness and pretending - Just like him?

[Lernaean_Hydra]

What do you mean? Do you think my boyfriend is controlling me?

Well, i Love him and we share many interests, when i'm having problems he listens to me, understands and even tries to help, when we are apart he texts me during the day and calls to know about me, our sense of humor is the same and he makes me feel good a lot of times...however im afraid he is being fake when he does this stuff just to please me and keep his girlfriend around, because of what i said before, im afraid this is all an illusion .

 

 

I don't understand this. If you like him and he likes you who cares how or why you got together? It really shouldn't matter as long as you're happy with each other now.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

But it's so unfair, so when we started dating he was basically using me. I think i might break up with him This week, i can't stand the thought of being used to make him feel less like a loser, i cant stand the thought of not being genuinly adored when se started things, because what i felt/feel for him was so strong. But i'm not anos object.

 

Okay wait, I take back what I just said a little bit after taking a moment to consider your situation from another point of view. I understand why it would matter to you because feeling like someone is only with you out of necessity rather than genuine desire is pretty unpleasant.

 

However, you've listed so many good qualities about him and your relationship that I don't see why it matters now. Do you feel he really loves you? Because honestly, while you can force yourself to be in a relationship with someone you damn sure can't force yourself to be in love with them. I mean, in what ways would you feel more comfortable with your relationship now?

 

It sounds like you're running away because you're scared. Things seem almost too good so you're nitpicking and looking for reasons to sabotage the relationship. Well, either that or you'd rather he was a player before he met you so you could feel like the glorious chosen one in an endless sea of options ?

 

Frankly, given the way you've said he constantly interacts with women, it's obvious if you left him he probably would find another relationship relatively quickly since he seems determined not to be alone. He's probably aware of this too so it's likely he's not completely 100% with you because he has to be anyway. Besides, now that he's had his first girlfriend he's had experience with women and relationships and sex (presumably), plus he's also likely more mature.

 

Your concerns would have more validity had you said he was abusive, seemed distant or disinterested or uncaring. He sounds like a good boyfriend, no matter why he asked you out in the beginning. Your insecurities are doing you in and I think leaving would be your loss.

Edited September 30, 2014 by Lernaean_Hydra

[marycc]

That's the problem, i don't know when he is being sincere...especially in times like This, when we are going through hard times, and he just repeats him self "i Love you" , "i dont want to lose you", " my feelings are True" and nothing else...But maybe that's just the way he expresses himself , i dont know. Im really confused.

[marycc]

Okay wait, I take back what I just said a little bit after taking a moment to consider your situation from another point of view. I understand why it would matter to you because feeling like someone is only with you out of necessity rather than genuine desire is pretty unpleasant.

 

However, you've listed so many good qualities about him and your relationship that I don't see why it matters now. Do you feel he really loves you? Because honestly, while you can force yourself to be in a relationship with someone you damn sure can't force yourself to be in love with them. I mean, in what ways would you feel more comfortable with your relationship now?

 

It sounds like you're running away because you're scared. Things seem almost too good so you're nitpicking and looking for reasons to sabotage the relationship. Well, either that or you'd rather he was a player before he met you so you could feel like the glorious chosen one in an endless sea of options ?

 

Frankly, given the way you've said he constantly interacts with women, it's obvious if you left him he probably would find another relationship relatively quickly since he seems determined not to be alone. He's probably aware of this too so it's likely he's not completely 100% with you because he has to be anyway. Besides, now that he's had his first girlfriend he's had experience with women and relationships and sex (presumably), plus he's also likely more mature.

 

Your concerns would have more validity had you said he was abusive, seemed distant or disinterested or uncaring. He sounds like a good boyfriend, no matter why he asked you out in the beginning. Your insecurities are doing you in and I think leaving would be your loss.

 

That's it... im afraid of Being with him and realizng what we have is an illusion (because just like you said i know he probably would find another girlfriend pretty quickly , i got that feeling, and that's a proof that his feelings for me aren't genuine) But im also afraid of breaking up with him and realize i made a huge mistake... Do you think maybe i should take a break of 2/3 months and see of he would meet someone new?

[ascendotum]

That's it... im afraid of Being with him and realizng what we have is an illusion (because just like you said i know he probably would find another girlfriend pretty quickly , i got that feeling, and that's a proof that his feelings for me aren't genuine) But im also afraid of breaking up with him and realize i made a huge mistake... Do you think maybe i should take a break of 2/3 months and see of he would meet someone new?

 

He's going to lose either way. Before you felt he didn't have options when he first got together with you (bad thing), and now you feel because he could find a new gf pretty quick (has options) that's also a bad thing. lol Come on now, if his life/self esteem was totally wrapped up in you being with him because he was scared he could not find another gf you would also see what you have together as an illusion and justify dumping him. Its pretty clear reading his old blog has damaged your respect for him. He doesn't seem as special anymore since he struggled with women. As LH says, your self esteem is now coming into this.

Like I say before his mindset could easily have changed over time and he really appreciates you for you and not as the token gf. After 9 mths if my gf broke up with me, I'd be pretty disappointed & pissed off if she said it was because she didn't know if I was authentic. You should be able to pick that up by now and allow some leeway given its his first LTR.

 

As for the break. If he finds someone in that time, well its goodbye to you and he's off and running with a new gf. If he doesn't, it will confirm your initial thoughts that he struggles with girls and is only with you because you said yes to him...and you will see him as lower value + with you so as not to be single, and you wont want him. Its over either way.

[Michelle ma Belle]

That's it... im afraid of Being with him and realizng what we have is an illusion (because just like you said i know he probably would find another girlfriend pretty quickly , i got that feeling, and that's a proof that his feelings for me aren't genuine) But im also afraid of breaking up with him and realize i made a huge mistake... Do you think maybe i should take a break of 2/3 months and see of he would meet someone new?

 

Personally, I think you're making issues where there really aren't any.

 

Having already been in an abusive relationship, it's hard to see yourself as worthy of anything but especially love. Physical and especially emotional abuse has some major repercussions that can play out over and over again long after you've left the abuser particularly if you don't get some professional help. It's textbook.

 

If there is anything I would suggest it would be to for your to seek some counselling. This issue isn't about your boyfriend, it's about YOU and how you view yourself in this relationship. By all accounts, he seems like a decent guy. He's not perfect but then again none of us are.

 

If you don't deal with the deeper issues you will forever be trapped in this space of doubt, fear, anxiety, insecurity and feelings of unworthiness regardless of who you're dating or how wonderful the guy may be.

 

Good luck.

[Junr]

marycc, I understand your boyfriend because I'm kinda the same way. I've jumped from guys to guys since I was 21 (now 24), but I'd either get tired of them or they would get tired of me and since I never wanted a relationship just for the sake of having one, I always ran away. However, recently I met a guy who I'm in love with and we're dating. I'm now wondering if he feels about me the same way you do about your boyfriend. Anyway, I'm with him because he showed that he's better than the other guys, although there are issues which I'm trying to understand and not worry too much about. If I wanted to, I could break up with him and try to find other guys, quite easily, but for one I like him way too much to do that and two, after 3 years meeting scrubs everywhere, I don't feel like taking the chance again - as you can see, I like the idea of having a boyfriend (even though he's not perfect) AND I don't wanna risk breaking up, BUT that doesn't means I don't love him; I really do.

 

I'm not giving you guarantees that he loves you. No one can do that. But it could be that he does love you but isn't expressing his feelings for fear you may run away?

[clia]

How does he treat you? Not just his words -- his actions.

[OwMyEyeball]

It's not that he undervalues you.

 

It's that you undervalue yourself and project that feeling onto your world.

 

I seek a job because I need to earn an income. That doesn't mean I won't try to find a good job - one that suits my personal needs and dispositions.

 

People seek relationships because ultimately, we can't stand to be alone. That doesn't mean we don't try to find good partners - ones that suit our personal needs and dispositions.

 

What are your feelings when you are with him? How does he act around you? Towards you?

 

How are you gauging his sincerity?

[marycc]

Well, I know I have a low self-esteem and a lot of insecurities, but I also know that what I'm saying makes sense...

 

I mean, we met in March 2012 and started dating during December 2013 and during that time I would stop talking to him (because of what I said before, the problems I had with my EX) and whenever I stopped talking to him he would ALWAYS, every single time, start to get interested in other girls... and I just found this recently. We started dating in December and he told me that by September (when we didn't talk) he got interested in this girl but it just lasted a week because he found out she had a boyfriend...then we started talking again by the end of October and finally started dating in December.

I also know the names of these girls and I can't help but look at their facebook pages and I start feeling insecure and comparing myself to them, so you can imagine...I'm feeling terrible.

 

I don't why he had to always get interested in other girls whenever we stopped talking, it was right away, so that's why I doubt about his feelings for me, because if he really liked me, he wouldn't fall for other girls so fast.

He also says he did that because he felt like I couldn't leave my EX and he thought we couldn't never date, so he felt the need to have somebody else's attention, he was feeling needy. But that just sounds weird to me... I keep thinking that he was desesperate to find a girlfriend, didn't matter who OR he was trying to make me jealous and get his "revenge", like, "I can be happy without you"... I just don't know.

[WhatIsLove2014]

Well, I know I have a low self-esteem and a lot of insecurities, but I also know that what I'm saying makes sense...

 

I mean, we met in March 2012 and started dating during December 2013 and during that time I would stop talking to him (because of what I said before, the problems I had with my EX) and whenever I stopped talking to him he would ALWAYS, every single time, start to get interested in other girls... and I just found this recently. We started dating in December and he told me that by September (when we didn't talk) he got interested in this girl but it just lasted a week because he found out she had a boyfriend...then we started talking again by the end of October and finally started dating in December.

I also know the names of these girls and I can't help but look at their facebook pages and I start feeling insecure and comparing myself to them, so you can imagine...I'm feeling terrible.

 

I don't why he had to always get interested in other girls whenever we stopped talking, it was right away, so that's why I doubt about his feelings for me, because if he really liked me, he wouldn't fall for other girls so fast.

He also says he did that because he felt like I couldn't leave my EX and he thought we couldn't never date, so he felt the need to have somebody else's attention, he was feeling needy. But that just sounds weird to me... I keep thinking that he was desesperate to find a girlfriend, didn't matter who OR he was trying to make me jealous and get his "revenge", like, "I can be happy without you"... I just don't know.

 

I'm glad you understand your insecurity in this because unfortunately that's all I see. So what if he crushes on another girl, you stop talking to him soooo isn't fair for him to crush on another girl? It seems like you stop talking to him out of insecurity then get mad when he acts single.

 

I'm sorry that doesn't mean that someone doesn't care about you or isn't genuine in their feelings. You are scared and making a big deal out of nothing. You are going to kill the relationship, just because he is scared. Maybe you need to be alone for a while to deal with your insecurity because dragging him through it, isn't fair.

 

Ever thought about seeing a counselor or maybe just having a really great friend to talk to?

[marycc]

I really hope it's just my insecurities...

In fact, I have my first appointment next monday and I'm willing to change, because living in fear is exhausting...and also because of my anxiety I don't have any friend I can trust in to talk about this stuff, no. I used to be bullied until high school, my father used to hit and cheat on my mother, my ex-boyfriend hit me and psychologically abused me, and a lot more drama, that why it's really difficult for me to trust people. So, I want to thank every one that gives their opinion here and try to help me in the best way they can, you always help me to look at things in a different way. Thank you.

[ascendotum]

Well, I know I have a low self-esteem and a lot of insecurities, but I also know that what I'm saying makes sense...

This really seems to be a big part of your issue

 

I mean, we met in March 2012 and started dating during December 2013 and during that time I would stop talking to him (because of what I said before, the problems I had with my EX) and whenever I stopped talking to him he would ALWAYS, every single time, start to get interested in other girls... and I just found this recently.

I can assure you from a lot of guy's perspective he did the right thing. He did not get oneitis. He kept his options open....that's being savvy. He was not going to hang around and try be a white knight for a girl who is going hot & cold on him while she is thinking of breaking up with an abusive/controlling bf. That's a sign of not being desperate. You are crucifying him either way.

 

I also know the names of these girls and I can't help but look at their facebook pages and I start feeling insecure and comparing myself to them, so you can imagine...I'm feeling terrible.

So many people are with bf/gf that had tried to chat up others before they came along and said yes, that if people dwelt on this it because they did not save themselves exclusively for them, there would be a lot more unhappy people around. Sounds to me like if you met a guy that said he had been on anything more than a couple of dates you would you think he was less special than the guy who said you were the first girl he has chatted up. Good luck with that filter.

 

I don't why he had to always get interested in other girls whenever we stopped talking, it was right away, so that's why I doubt about his feelings for me, because if he really liked me, he wouldn't fall for other girls so fast.

He also says he did that because he felt like I couldn't leave my EX and he thought we couldn't never date, so he felt the need to have somebody else's attention, he was feeling needy. But that just sounds weird to me... I keep thinking that he was desesperate to find a girlfriend, didn't matter who OR he was trying to make me jealous and get his "revenge", like, "I can be happy without you"... I just don't know.

Not wanting to be in a relationship does not = desperate. You went from controlling ex straight to him...does that mean you are desperate? should he break up with you because of that too. Would you see a guy as higher value who sleeps around with lots of women to meet his sexual needs as a better catch because he is not in any hurry to get into a relationship?

You don't know it was a case of 'any ol girl who says yes' will do. If he asked out 50 girls (which is advice given to lots of guys btw) then you could be inclined for thinking he not that selective for a gf, but even then those 50 girls could have been specifically selected because they appealed to him.

 

See my comments in your post

[OwMyEyeball]

I'm glad that you're finding someone with whom you can confide all of your feelings with. You've had a rough go and life can get very confusing and frightening when we don't have a sympathetic ear that will simply just listen to what we have to say and accept that.

 

I wouldn't put too much stock into your boyfriend's behaviours. Something to keep in mind is that we often ourselves paired up with people in similar psychological states as our own. They likely won't express their deeper selves in the same way as you do, but they're struggling with their own issues much the same. Unfortunately, some express those issues outwards and harm those around them, as your ex-boyfriend did.

 

Your current boyfriend's behaviour is, on the surface, rather normal. When one opportunity doesn't pan out, we tend to seek out others that may. That's quite natural. For someone with low self-esteem, however, that may feel very hurtful and make one feel less valued since we are not holding sustained interest from another.

 

I think counseling can do you wonders. Please keep in mind that therapies dealing with core beliefs - how we view ourselves - show their benefit over the long-term and you may come away from some sessions feeling no better or even worse than before you went in. But that will be on the spot. Over the course of treatment, however that's shaped, you should see very positive results.

 

Another thing worth mentioning about any type of therapy is that you must feel comfortable with your therapist. He/she must be someone you feel that you can trust and open yourself up to. Therapists cannot read minds and can only base their help around the information you're willing to share.

 

Best wishes

[preraph]

Usually guys with really low self-esteem will kind of latch onto the girl they have and sometimes to the point it becomes unhealthy. It's true that a lot of people and not just guys sometimes do just "kill time" with someone. Just keep your eyes open and pay attention to his actions, not his words. And try not to show your insecurities and create a situation where there might not be one.

Edited September 30, 2014 by preraph

[fortyninethousand322]

I mean if he's an older inexperienced guy there's a high chance that this is the case. One of the reasons I think women should stay away from such guys.