30, Single and feel broken

[NecyKortin]

I'm 30 years old, never have been married and have been pretty hopelessly single most of my life. I'm a Law Enforcement Officer, and have been for the last seven years, I promoted through my job pretty quickly and am now a supervisor, I used to think having a stable career and ambition within that career was a good quality to have, but anymore I'm not sure what I think anymore.

 

Everyone I graduated Highschool with have families of their own, or are engaged in very serious relationships, at my recent Highschool reunion I felt like the odd person out due to being alone, I went into the military right after Highschool and then started my current career afterwards.

 

Any attempt I have made at conversation or potentially kindling any type of relationship has resulted in rejection, my sense of self-worth in the past month has become non existent, for the last 36 days I've worked without a day off working 12-16 hour shifts simply because I feel I have nothing to go home to.

 

The frequency of my rejection and how I never can establish a relationship or communication with a woman have become a joke at work, I'm at the point that not only do I not know what to do relationship wise but I'm terrified to even attempt to talk to a woman due to how often I'm told not interested.

 

I'm at the end of my rope and feel like something is wrong with me, I'm told "You're a sweet guy" and "You'll find someone" but I never seem to be able to gain anyones interest in me, the only thing that really keeps me going anymore is going to work, my job is my only real identity anymore because it's the only thing I know to do, socially I feel broken and defective.

[Diezel]

You sound like the perpetual "Nice guy".

 

Also... let me tell you something... you are ONLY 30. There is still more than enough time to find someone. When I was 30, almost EVERYONE I knew in highschool and college was posting crap on Facebook about their families, but more than half of them admitted to me how miserable they were because they married/parented so early.

 

My advice?

 

Get to know YOU.

 

Go out there and experience the world. Maybe shift that focus from meeting women into getting to know you. Go on some adventures, try Meetup, take a vacation alone. There is NO hurry into finding someone. You have TIME. And the sooner you realize that, the better you will be.

[Gloria25]

Sorry to hear that you're feeling this way...

 

Look, the grass isn't always greener...all those people who just jumped into/settled for their high school sweethearts sometimes end up in divorce after the kids are up and gone cuz they married young and didn't take the time to develop themselves as a person...

 

Oh, and good thing you didn't get tied down while in the military either, cuz I've seen too many guys latch on to some flakey chick who's sleeping with the whole base (and then some) as soon as the guy is in the field and/or deployed. I've also seen guys have kids with some woman they made a mistake with (they didn't take the time to realize she was a loser who just wanted a dependent ID card).

 

Anywho, like most of us who are out of college and/or high school, dating is difficult cuz you are limited in your interactions with people and dating in the workplace can get dicey.

 

Where are you meeting these women who are rejecting you? Is it OLD? Have you tried meeting women through church, friends (who can vouch for her character, values), or doing volunteering and/or meet-ups? I believe something that might help you is to put yourself in those social situations and expand your dating pool. Also, by doing meet-ups and/or volunteering you can get to know women w/o the pressure of dating them and you already will have something in common (i.e. the meet-up or volunteering activity).

[LoneIsland]

Work out why they reject you would be a start. What is your assessment of yourself ? Are you fat, ugly, short, poor ?

 

To get anywhere in finding someone, you'd need a social environment. If you don't have many friends, you can meet new people from say evening adult study classes that are attended by both sexes. The subject of study isn't important. There could be some singles there, and you could make some friends with people who may not be single. Sporting or activity type classes that are likely to have the opposite sex can also work for this. I never been to a church myself, but Eddie Murphy's Coming to America said there would be nice girls in churches.

[NecyKortin]

Work out why they reject you would be a start. What is your assessment of yourself ? Are you fat, ugly, short, poor ?

 

To get anywhere in finding someone, you'd need a social environment. If you don't have many friends, you can meet new people from say evening adult study classes that are attended by both sexes. The subject of study isn't important. There could be some singles there, and you could make some friends with people who may not be single. Sporting or activity type classes that are likely to have the opposite sex can also work for this. I never been to a church myself, but Eddie Murphy's Coming to America said there would be nice girls in churches.

 

I'm 5'5 and am 160lbs, I feel I'm in relatively good shape all things considering, I've been told a few times now by girls I've talked to that they're not interested in someone that's under six foot.

 

As far as looks go, I don't feel I'm a bad looking guy. Income wise, I'm above the scale in this area for someone my age, I promoted fairly quickly in my job, and am in a position that usually someone 10-15 years older than me is in.

[heartshaped]

Anywho, like most of us who are out of college and/or high school, dating is difficult cuz you are limited in your interactions with people and dating in the workplace can get dicey.

 

This.

 

It's a jungle out there my friend.

 

As hard as it sounds, you have to get to the point that rejection doesn't bother you so much. We all have been rejected at some point or another. It's just a part of life. Even for those people who are truly happy in relationships- it's hard work getting there.

 

If dating were easier I'm sure there wouldn't be forums like this. So don't feel bad, we're in this together.

 

I also echo the sentiment that you should focus on yourself and doing the things you enjoy. As far as the dating thing goes, my only piece of advice is, leave no stone unturned and don't take it so hard when things don't work out.

[Dork Vader]

Okay the joking at work, while your coworkers might find it funny. It is harassment and it is inappropriate. I'm sure you know the channels to go through to deal with that in the work place.

 

 

You need to see a therapist. It would benefit you greatly in numerous ways. They can help you explore a lot of things such as how to build more self confidence, self worth and so on.

 

 

There is NOTHING wrong with seeing a therapist. Just give it a chance.

 

 

In the mean time instead of distracting yourself with work. Perhaps you should explore some hobbies out side of work. Try new things, become more active in community activities.

 

 

I'm 30 and still single. I've dated on and off but just have not had a lasting relationship. It's not the end of the world and you'll eventually start to meet women interested in you.

[LoneIsland]

I'm 5'5 and am 160lbs, I feel I'm in relatively good shape all things considering, I've been told a few times now by girls I've talked to that they're not interested in someone that's under six foot.

 

As far as looks go, I don't feel I'm a bad looking guy. Income wise, I'm above the scale in this area for someone my age, I promoted fairly quickly in my job, and am in a position that usually someone 10-15 years older than me is in.

 

5'5 is short but who cares. Some girls are perfectly fine with shorties as long as you are fine with your own height. I don't think they all rejected you on that. Maybe you don't do too much social stuff, so your meeting up skills maybe week. Not all women are perfect. So if you keep meeting more, you might eventually find one who might be into you despite whatever your weakness is.

 

There's no shortcut to getting better at it. So you just have to keep doing it until you get the hang of it. Just be careful how you spend the money on dates/meets. There will be no pay back on those and likely to be a black hole, so spend it wisely.

 

Sounds like you are able to find people to meet, just so far you haven't any luck of finding someone interested. If you keep doing it and work out where you are going wrong, you should succeed eventually. Never talk about your past failures with anyone new you meet.

[NecyKortin]

Okay the joking at work, while your coworkers might find it funny. It is harassment and it is inappropriate. I'm sure you know the channels to go through to deal with that in the work place.

 

The joking I was okay with until here recently, a few things have been said that cut me pretty deeply, and it's usually hard to effect me by what people say or joke about. Lately, it's been cutting me more and more.

 

In the mean time instead of distracting yourself with work. Perhaps you should explore some hobbies out side of work.

 

I used to have a few hobbies, but as of late I don't even have an interest in them anymore, I tried to pick them up a few times over the last week or two and a few minutes in I pack up and leave because I can't focus or put my mind on that particular hobby or skill set, I just can't find the drive to do them anymore.

[LoneIsland]

Not sure the women will care for your hobbies Just find some to meet and work out all the kinks.

 

Also you mustn't pressure yourself because all your classmates are doing good. Things like this can't be rushed, and 30 isn't old.

[Mister Zen]

Two suggestions:

 

1. Stop chasing women out of your league.

 

2. Stop making women so important.

 

I have found that the less I care about being with a woman the easier it is to attract them. Now finding something deep is another story. I'm 30 too and never married. Never been able to connect on a deep level with women. At least so far. But I can get a date easy.

[NecyKortin]

Two suggestions:

 

1. Stop chasing women out of your league.

 

I haven't attempted to chase women out of my league, at this point any woman I've talked to has been out of my league given the response I've gotten.

[Assasda]

I'm 30 years old, never have been married and have been pretty hopelessly single most of my life. I'm a Law Enforcement Officer, and have been for the last seven years, I promoted through my job pretty quickly and am now a supervisor, I used to think having a stable career and ambition within that career was a good quality to have, but anymore I'm not sure what I think anymore.

 

Everyone I graduated Highschool with have families of their own, or are engaged in very serious relationships, at my recent Highschool reunion I felt like the odd person out due to being alone, I went into the military right after Highschool and then started my current career afterwards.

 

Any attempt I have made at conversation or potentially kindling any type of relationship has resulted in rejection, my sense of self-worth in the past month has become non existent, for the last 36 days I've worked without a day off working 12-16 hour shifts simply because I feel I have nothing to go home to.

 

The frequency of my rejection and how I never can establish a relationship or communication with a woman have become a joke at work, I'm at the point that not only do I not know what to do relationship wise but I'm terrified to even attempt to talk to a woman due to how often I'm told not interested.

 

I'm at the end of my rope and feel like something is wrong with me, I'm told "You're a sweet guy" and "You'll find someone" but I never seem to be able to gain anyones interest in me, the only thing that really keeps me going anymore is going to work, my job is my only real identity anymore because it's the only thing I know to do, socially I feel broken and defective.

 

Seems like things like this always happen to ones like you.

Because youre so invested in finding a mate.

You want what everyone else wants, but you have no idea what you want.

 

You will find happiness when you live life on your own terms, and stop living life based on the expectation of others

- All this may sound cliche to you, but its true

[LoneIsland]

Try a different source of women. Maybe the church going or evening class studying women would be more into cops.

[cif]

Instead of spending extra time at work, find an activity where you can meet woman (hint: not clubs or bars)

 

The height won't be so much of a problem if you keep your body muscular.

[NecyKortin]

Instead of spending extra time at work, find an activity where you can meet woman (hint: not clubs or bars)

 

 

 

I don't go to bars, I never have mainly due to my job. The reason I pretty much live at work is because I feel like my house is a prison, and I really don't know what else to do, I feel like I have no direction anymore. I really don't know what I should be doing anymore, I thought I did, but I feel like I'm the only person that's miserable among my coworkers, most of them have great home lives, I don't have anything worth coming home to.

[Assasda]

awwww.... Poor thing. You probably didnt read my post before.

 

You know what you should do.

You should travel. Travel & volunteer.

And when you volunteer, you can tell the homeless people all about how good your coworkers have it.

- then can ask them where their next meal is coming from, and you'll realize how insignificant your problem is

You can also play sports with some terminally ill kids, and ask them what they think of you.

 

No matter how you style it man. Your problems are insignificant in the long and short of it.

 

You'll only start to realize this, once you've made these changes

[Toodaloo]

Right. Time to stop all this "woe is me" rubbish.

 

THAT is what is making you unattractive. REALLY REALLY unattractive.

 

Yeah I am one of those women who looks at guys over 6ft and to be honest tall chaps are normal for me. I am with men 99% of the time and the majority are over 6ft. However its never stopped me looking at shorter guys, and if the shorter guy is quick to smile, laugh and joke I forget all about the tall chap... I know a guy who is 5ft, bald etc who is ALWAYS surrounded by women because he is a great guy to be around. He is funny, active, quick to smile and just brilliant in every way. He is also trying to get me into running and I am slowly giving in...

 

You are giving up your hobbies. You idiot! Your turning yourself into a moaning Myrtle! Get up off your arse and get back out there doing the things you find fun.

 

Accept every invitation to every party even if you can't be bothered.

 

You do not know what goes on behind closed doors in other peoples lives. Your co-workers are probably peeved to the nines for having to take out the rubbish again and their spouses nagging about that annoying habit they have. Being in a relationship does not guarantee happy ever after. Its hard work and a lot of the time boring. Hell, a lot of the people I know are still unaware that my ex and I split up and that was MONTHS ago.

 

Get up. Restart your hobbies and get some new ones. try new things. Make it a game that you challenge yourself to do something every week. So week 1 you run an extra 3 miles. Week 2 you learn how to make killer risotto, week 3 go skydiving, week 4 hug a stranger, week 5 bake a cake... I dunno what ever you can't do and want to be able to do go do it! Have some big and some small challenges. Some that you can do in a couple of days and some that will take you a couple of years.

 

If your house feels like a prison, re-decorate. Pick bright vibrant colours, change your furniture round, make your "man cave" your own and somewhere that you like to be. Open the curtains and let the sunlight in. Dust, clean, stick up pictures of friends and family. Put on some music and go for it.

 

Gals love a guy in uniform... handcuffs are cliché but great! Your lucky. A lot luckier than most. Count your blessings, tomorrow is a new day get up and go find something positive to do with it. I assume from the language you use that you are in the US. Last time I was in the US I had to be pulled away by my best friends husband as I was going to chat up a cop... His buns looked fab in those trousers and I admit the sight was glorious and impeding my ability to act sensibly!

 

First thing I started doing when my Ex left was I started making sure I had fresh flowers in the house all the time. He hated them, I love them. Make your home your own.

[Diezel]

Right. Time to stop all this "woe is me" rubbish.

 

THAT is what is making you unattractive. REALLY REALLY unattractive.

 

 

 

I completely have to echo this sentiment.

And I can guarantee this is exactly what is turning women off. You come off as a "nice guy" but as a low-confidence nice guy to boot, OP.

 

You really need to work on yourself, and to be happy with yourself. You sound miserable. Who wants to date miserable?

 

Maybe you should take a year and do things for YOU and do things that make you happy before trying to subject someone else to this "woe is me" act.

[Destined2B]

OP, it seems like your priority right now is wanting to date and find a relationship partner. Is that right? If yes, then you're not doing anything about it. Moreover, you're avoiding it with long work days.

Traveling, volunteering, hobbies and school are all great things- when YOU want to do them. But when you want to just find a woman you enjoy spending time with, then THAT is what you really need to work on.

Maybe start with educating yourself on how to be attractive, confident and charming man that most women desire. There are a few books available on the subject that might change your mindset. Just be weary of the typical pick-up bs that's so prevalent out there right now.

[quidproquo89]

I don't go to bars, I never have mainly due to my job. The reason I pretty much live at work is because I feel like my house is a prison, and I really don't know what else to do, I feel like I have no direction anymore. I really don't know what I should be doing anymore, I thought I did, but I feel like I'm the only person that's miserable among my coworkers, most of them have great home lives, I don't have anything worth coming home to.

 

I get this too, everybody does. You can't keep cooped up all the time. I go out with friends and family. Take a walk, go for a run. Just go for a drive. Don't stay cooped up it will drive you mad

[quidproquo89]

Right. Time to stop all this "woe is me" rubbish.

 

THAT is what is making you unattractive. REALLY REALLY unattractive.

 

Yeah I am one of those women who looks at guys over 6ft and to be honest tall chaps are normal for me. I am with men 99% of the time and the majority are over 6ft. However its never stopped me looking at shorter guys, and if the shorter guy is quick to smile, laugh and joke I forget all about the tall chap... I know a guy who is 5ft, bald etc who is ALWAYS surrounded by women because he is a great guy to be around. He is funny, active, quick to smile and just brilliant in every way. He is also trying to get me into running and I am slowly giving in...

 

You are giving up your hobbies. You idiot! Your turning yourself into a moaning Myrtle! Get up off your arse and get back out there doing the things you find fun.

 

Accept every invitation to every party even if you can't be bothered.

 

You do not know what goes on behind closed doors in other peoples lives. Your co-workers are probably peeved to the nines for having to take out the rubbish again and their spouses nagging about that annoying habit they have. Being in a relationship does not guarantee happy ever after. Its hard work and a lot of the time boring. Hell, a lot of the people I know are still unaware that my ex and I split up and that was MONTHS ago.

 

Get up. Restart your hobbies and get some new ones. try new things. Make it a game that you challenge yourself to do something every week. So week 1 you run an extra 3 miles. Week 2 you learn how to make killer risotto, week 3 go skydiving, week 4 hug a stranger, week 5 bake a cake... I dunno what ever you can't do and want to be able to do go do it! Have some big and some small challenges. Some that you can do in a couple of days and some that will take you a couple of years.

 

If your house feels like a prison, re-decorate. Pick bright vibrant colours, change your furniture round, make your "man cave" your own and somewhere that you like to be. Open the curtains and let the sunlight in. Dust, clean, stick up pictures of friends and family. Put on some music and go for it.

 

Gals love a guy in uniform... handcuffs are cliché but great! Your lucky. A lot luckier than most. Count your blessings, tomorrow is a new day get up and go find something positive to do with it. I assume from the language you use that you are in the US. Last time I was in the US I had to be pulled away by my best friends husband as I was going to chat up a cop... His buns looked fab in those trousers and I admit the sight was glorious and impeding my ability to act sensibly!

 

First thing I started doing when my Ex left was I started making sure I had fresh flowers in the house all the time. He hated them, I love them. Make your home your own.

 

there is some really good advice here. The highlighted - really important because it makes you step outside your comfort zone, you may meet somebody you might not have otherwise and hey it gets you out and you may enjoy yourself

[preraph]

I've always said 30 is when guys start feeling the pressure to hit the next milestone. Enough friends are married to make it feel like they all are. I have to say I've known a lot of bachelors who were having a ball far older than 30. And always remember misery loves company, so some of that pressure is to validate their own decisions and in fact they may be half miserable.

 

As far as these women who only like six footers -- wow, all I can say is those women were some museum-quality nutbusters and not your garden variety woman. Because though many women like taller guys, that doesn't mean only over six feet.

 

Not all women are averse to dating guys shorter than them either. My crowd, which admittedly was probably more like the people you arrest than the people you hang with, none of the girls were hung up about that. In fact, our group's alpha male all the women liked was about 5'6. I'm 5'7" and I was a bit taller than him. I know this because I took him on the back of my Kawasaki Police 1000 once (no, not a cop -- escort rider in my much younger days). He was the hottest ticket around. The guy I was after was a friend of his and about that same height, except honestly he was much shorter but he had a high head of hair (musician) that made him look taller. It truly is all about the attitude and confidence. That guy had a lot going for him, talented and creative and in a band. But you also have a lot going for you, though you're not seeing it right now.

 

I think what your life needs is balance and I know you know that too, but because it's not easy to achieve, you've decided F it, I'll just work all the time, nothing else to do. So you need to stop that and make yourself go do activities.

 

You are a cop and you have after-work employment opportunities. For example, you might become a neighborhood patrolman after hours and make friends with that community. You might do afterhours guarding at the bank and get to meet pretty tellers and customers. You might volunteer for community meetings and try to meet people that way. You might volunteer for little park fundraisers and barbecues where rescuers bring dogs for adoption and meet those type nice people. If you like animals, you could volunteer at the pound or the zoo. If you like to help people instead, which you're already doing, you can do a once a week or once month volunteer job with kids. A friend of mine helps find them clothes for special occasions once a month. I assume you get to meet the single moms that way too.

 

I realize no one is probably as brutal as cops for teasing other cops, so that situation has spun out of control. But since they've all got their ears pricked up on the subject, if I were you, I'd respond every single time by saying, "Yeah, that's right. So who you going to fix me up with?" And let them know you're serious. Tell them to ask their wives if they have any nice single girlfriends. If nothing else, being called to duty in that regard will either make them put up or shut up!

 

Oh, and if you find yourself getting truly depressed, go have a few sessions with the counselor. Don't just let it fester.

[LoneIsland]

Not all women are averse to dating guys shorter than them either.

 

That is indeed true. I am a real shortie at 5"4. I never had a single reject from taller women. But I am reasonably tall psychologically.

[Toodaloo]

That is indeed true. I am a real shortie at 5"4. I never had a single reject from taller women. But I am reasonably tall psychologically.

 

Oh this is so true. As a girl who tends to go for tall guys I can tell you now a short guy with personality that I laugh and have fun with would win my attention far quicker. What I hate is moaning and self pity. I do not accept it in myself or others. I know some short guys who are so sexy sadly they have been snapped up already.

 

Bars are terrible places to get to know people anyway.

 

Your only 30! Perfect age for getting out. Go do the things you love to do. Smile , giggle and talk to people and you shall go far

 

By the way I want an update on progress!