He says he's not sure he loves me :(

[Father'sGentleFlower]

My boyfriend and I live in different cities about an hour away. We haven't seen each other in a while so I was excited when he came to see me in a rather spontaneous, last-minute decision. We've been together for a year now and I love him very much, but lately I've been wondering about his feelings.

 

At first, it seemed he had no doubts, he would talk a lot about the future he envisioned for us, and was even the first to say that he was in love with me.

 

Now, he never talks about the future with both of us in it. He talks about having children occassionally, but it's more of a spur-of-the-moment type of thing because he knows it's not going to happen anytime soon (not something I want right now either).

 

Since its been on my mind, I asked him "do you still love me the same?" He responded with uncertainty, he told me that I'm the closest he's been to being in love out of all his past relationships. He says that he thinks he does based on that he cares about me a lot, thinks about me, wants to protect me, and wants me to be happy even if its not with him. He blamed his uncertainty on his current situation with his parents, he's debating on whether to cut his whole family out of his life (whom may not be the most emotionally stable people, but are still nice and friendly). He's anger seems to comes from being put on meds that altered his personality as a kid.

 

One time on the phone he told me about his impending decision, he told me that he never really considered them his parents (he's adopted) and that I was closer to being family because he talks to me more.

 

He tried to comfort me this morning, but I cried because it made me feel horrible that there's a possibility that he might not love me after all.

 

And I don't know what to do.. What should I do? I'm confused and I'm hurting really bad. I can't stop thinking about it.

[Ami1uwant]

Separating his background for a moment.

 

It sounds like the classic situation of one losing interest in a relationship. They stop talking, don't see the other person as much. Given the distance he may have doubts in this.

 

His family stuff complicates it further.

[waiting4u]

I think some guys lose interest after the honeymoon period is over - I don't know what to say other than I hope that's not the case here. Maybe back off a little and see other people? Give him less of your time?

 

I'm in a similar situation with the whole "I love you" thing - but saying I love you and then recanting? That's messed up. You have a right to be angry, that's for sure.

 

I understand he had a rough childhood - a lot of us did. But too many women I think make excuses for men because they had "messed up childhoods." There are still requirements for being a stand-up guy to which he should be held accountable - i.e. that's not excuse to act like a jerk.

 

Good luck to you. I sympathize. Try not to let it eat you up too much. You never get to be with someone forever - everything ends. People break up, die, etc. Love yourself first.

[BluEyeL]

Men fall in lover rather quickly but also tend to fall out of love quicker than women. It sounds like he's thinking of breaking up and preparing you for it, dialing it back with how much he sees you and the affection. I'm sorry.

 

Best course of action would be to stay absolutely calm, don't let him see you sweat, and pull back as well. No I love you's, no begging, no crying, no jumping at the chance to see you. Get involved in other activities and begin to pull back from him.

[Father'sGentleFlower]

I only talk to him about every other day, once a day for a few days lately. He's been talking to me more now, I guess because he also wants to talk about his parents, which he does a lot lately. I'm not sure that giving less time is the best thing because I already make it a point to give him space. He told me that now he's questioning what love is and while I'm glad that he's always totally honest with me, it still really hurt. After I calmed down, he asked me if I would want to visit him on Sunday or Monday, I said yes, and he seemed happy about it (which confuses me even more). His expectations as he mentioned, he doesn't expect me to stay because I may find someone better (or because all his past girlfriends broke up with him). I feel like that's a self-fulfilling prophecy, I wanted to tell him that "of course that'll happen if you treat a relationship that way!" But I wanted to be calm which I wasn't. Other than that starting point, I don't know where to from there.

[preraph]

He's working through some deep stuff with his parents. I think you just need to be understanding and give him some space. I hope he doesn't get too far afield and overreact to his parental problems over something they were told by a doctor to give him as a child. Try to keep him grounded in reality on that. Also, this means he has some mental disorder or condition that it sounds to me like he's in denial about. Now, it's true sometimes they overmedicate kids to be able to keep the rowdy ones in school from being too disruptive, but it's also true a lot of people need the medication. So be aware that he may be off his meds and not be as functional and clear thinking off them as on them. You should encourage him to go get his own workup by a psychiatrist of his choosing to see if he needs any meds or not. He probably now hates doctors and meds, and to be honest, that's a pretty sure sign of some mental problems right there. So be careful what you wish for. He may be a hot mess off meds.

[Father'sGentleFlower]

What I notice about him is that he jumps from topic to topic and never seems to stay focused on the subject matter of a conversation, he was diagnosed with ADHD as a kid. I know what he's going through to an extent because as a kid I used to have that problem on a smaller scale, but my family helped me resolve it (without meds). I don't agree that he should be on meds, he doesn't necessarily need them, he just has to commit to disciplining himself and I can see that he needs help doing that (which is why I don't think that he's doing a wise thing by cutting off his parents). In my opinion, he was never taught to handle his problem as a kid, so now he doesn't know how to handle it as an adult. His sister is actually a psychiatrist grad student, I'm sure she has her own analysis about him, but never told him.

[mightycpa]

for both you and waiting4u:

 

Everybody knows with a certainty when they're in love. There's is no "I'm not sure".

 

Not being sure is NO.

 

And for the record, it doesn't really matter why: not long enough, too far away, parents, ex, whatever. Anything can make you fall out of love, and once you do, you are usually completely done.

[Father'sGentleFlower]

He told me I was over-thinking it. I'm not sure if he thought was making me feel better or what he was saying.

[Assasda]

OP How old are you?

Also, how long have you been together?

[Father'sGentleFlower]

I'm 19 and we've been together for a little over a year.

[Assasda]

I'm 19 and we've been together for a little over a year.

 

OP you seem super-needy.

Focus on school and different activities.

If he doesnt want to say that he loves you yet,, it shouldnt be any concern of yours.

 

To be honest, you probably dont know what love is at 19, as much as you think you do. Give the guy a break and live your own life

[spiderowl]

What I notice about him is that he jumps from topic to topic and never seems to stay focused on the subject matter of a conversation' date=' he was diagnosed with ADHD as a kid. I know what he's going through to an extent because as a kid I used to have that problem on a smaller scale, but my family helped me resolve it (without meds). I don't agree that he should be on meds, he doesn't necessarily need them, he just has to commit to disciplining himself and I can see that he needs help doing that (which is why I don't think that he's doing a wise thing by cutting off his parents). In my opinion, he was never taught to handle his problem as a kid, so now he doesn't know how to handle it as an adult. His sister is actually a psychiatrist grad student, I'm sure she has her own analysis about him, but never told him.[/quote']

 

It does sound like he's not as sure about you as he was. Relationships can fall into the doldrums a bit. It could be general depression with life if he's not happy with his family relationships. I would be backing out a bit if I felt like he was losing interest, even if it was just a phase. I can't tolerate that kind of uncertainty and in the past it hasn't had a good outcome anyway.

 

However, if he has ADHD, he is likely to be all over the place and jumping from one thing to another. It's a brain issue and the drugs do help with focusing, but I can understand someone resenting having to take them if it wasn't his choice. He may feel pulled in different directions attention-wise. I can understand him resenting his parents if he was adopted and feels they force-fed him medications. If he does have ADHD, his parents may have had a really difficult time coping too. Some kids have really oppositional behaviour that is purposeless. They cannot help themselves opposing what other people expect of them. This makes life very difficult for those responsible for looking after and helping them.

 

The ADHD can't be blamed if he's losing interest in you. That just happens sometimes and it's extremely painful. It's something lots of people go through before finding the person who is constant. I hope it's not the case for you.

 

Further to the above, when did he stop taking the meds? Some people are so seriously affected by ADHD that they'd struggle to remain focused on achieving anything without them. I hope it's not the case but it may be an issue you'd have to cope with in the long term. Also, from my experience as a parent of a child with ADD, the condition makes life stressful for them because they are faced with the usual demands to achieve to a certain extent, and know they are failing to do this. Then the parents get the blame for having (any) expectations at all. Believe me, when you have a child with ADD/ADHD, you eventually learn that it doesn't matter what expectations you've got, they all go out of the window.

Edited September 28, 2014 by spiderowl

[Elle1975]

Personally I think the worst thing to ask your partner is "do you love me" or your "do you still love me the same". That's a turn off, a sign of insecurity.

 

I believe we are all insecure, with different degrees of it, but that's when you start showing it that trouble begins.

 

I have to agree, seems like he's preparing his way out, but who knows? I'm not in his head.

 

Best way to handle it is to back off, without showing it. Just be genuinely busy. It's a delicate thing to do, and because it's delicate, most people blow it (including me).

[Father'sGentleFlower]

It does sound like he's not as sure about you as he was. Relationships can fall into the doldrums a bit. It could be general depression with life if he's not happy with his family relationships. I would be backing out a bit if I felt like he was losing interest, even if it was just a phase. I can't tolerate that kind of uncertainty and in the past it hasn't had a good outcome anyway.

 

However, if he has ADHD, he is likely to be all over the place and jumping from one thing to another. It's a brain issue and the drugs do help with focusing, but I can understand someone resenting having to take them if it wasn't his choice. He may feel pulled in different directions attention-wise. I can understand him resenting his parents if he was adopted and feels they force-fed him medications. If he does have ADHD, his parents may have had a really difficult time coping too. Some kids have really oppositional behaviour that is purposeless. They cannot help themselves opposing what other people expect of them. This makes life very difficult for those responsible for looking after and helping them.

 

The ADHD can't be blamed if he's losing interest in you. That just happens sometimes and it's extremely painful. It's something lots of people go through before finding the person who is constant. I hope it's not the case for you.

 

Further to the above, when did he stop taking the meds? Some people are so seriously affected by ADHD that they'd struggle to remain focused on achieving anything without them. I hope it's not the case but it may be an issue you'd have to cope with in the long term. Also, from my experience as a parent of a child with ADD, the condition makes life stressful for them because they are faced with the usual demands to achieve to a certain extent, and know they are failing to do this. Then the parents get the blame for having (any) expectations at all. Believe me, when you have a child with ADD/ADHD, you eventually learn that it doesn't matter what expectations you've got, they all go out of the window.

Yes, he's been off meds for a few years now. I just spent the day with him yesterday, he wasn't sure if he wanted me to come over, but in the end he told me that he was happy to see me and that he was just really stressed with work. I told him that it was alright if he was going through things, that I'm there for him, and that I'll give him space if he needs it. As for his adopted parents.. No longer speaks to them, doesn't want anything to do with them, which is another story. His mom actually messaged me to say hi to him on FB. I told her I would tell him. Of course, I haven't since I see that he doesn't even answer her calls, when I saw him he just counts the missed calls. I feel bad for her, but I also know things that she doesn't. Either way whether he loves me or not, I'm not hurt about it anymore, I can see that his issue is not with me. It started at home.