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Should I have waited a few months for him like he wanted or walked away then?


Michelle3494

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I met a guy and had been talking/seeing him for the past two and a half months. The first month and a half we talked on the phone 3-4 days a week but did not see each other because I had gone back home from college. When I returned to college I began to see him around twice a week for a month. When I first met him he told me he did not want a relationship but I continued to talk to him because I really believed that I did not want a relationship either. When I returned to college and began seeing him I realized that I desired a relationship with him. I told him how I felt and he said that he could see a future with us and that I should wait a year which he ended up shortening to a few months for him to be ready to fully commit to me.

 

I realized after a month of seeing him and two and a half months of talking that I wanted a commitment right then and did not want to wait two more months especially over the fact that he told me that he messed with girls on the side even though he stated that his level of connection with the other girls were just as texting buddies and he was only trying to build a relationship with me. He even stated that if one of these girls offered to have sex with him he would have sex with them ( I am a virgin and was not having sex with him).

 

I got sick of the side girls and told him it's either me or them & when he chose to be single I decided to stop talking to him. He was greatly upset and wanted me to wait around for him to be ready to commit to me in a couple of months but I could not wait when what I wanted was a relationship right then. So I walked away from him. He told me he still wanted to be friends and I told him for now I wanted no contAct and if I wanted to be friends in the future then I would call him and let him know. Did I do the right thing by walking away?

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Sort of.

 

I would have left the possibility for him to try to come back later open but I would not have waited around for him.

 

Odds are that you may find somebody "better" in the interim

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He obviously had plenty of choices. Those choices would remain available to him even if you did manage to get him to commit. Some guys are not meant for a single woman. As you are not the sharing type, you may have to settle for a different kind of men. But you may forever wonder what you have missed.

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@d0nnivain, I did not want to keep the option and tell him that he could oome back because I feel like he would view it as he can do all the dirt he wants to and when he's done ill be waiting for him with big warming arms. Which I definitely wont be

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I don't know, but being young and in college, why feel the need to settle down already?

 

IMO, this is the time to concentrate on studies, developing yourself, and figuring out what you want in a mate through taking advantage of the variety of guys you can meet and hang with (without sleeping with them).

 

When college is over, mid 20's comes by and people are settled in their careers and know more about themselves and what they want in a mate - I think they can make a more informed decision on someone to commit to.

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You did the right thing. It sounds like he wanted to play the field, but have you available and waiting just in case. That's not your cup of tea. Recognize it and don't waste your time. (I don't share guys either.)

 

What was the significance of waiting a year? What was his rationale for that time frame?

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I agree, you did the right thing. He is only upset because he can't add you to his rolodex of women to call when he pleases. You did great!

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@angel.eyes a year would be the time it would take him to graduate from college. (he's a senior and I'm a sophomore)

 

What happens after graduation--when he finally builds his new social circle and begins meeting women that way? Do you go back on the back burner once he's settled and found new options again?

 

I'm glad you respected yourself enough to walk away from his offer to be his backup plan.

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@d0nnivain, I did not want to keep the option and tell him that he could oome back because I feel like he would view it as he can do all the dirt he wants to and when he's done ill be waiting for him with big warming arms. Which I definitely wont be

 

You are owning this choice, which is the best response. Since you seem so firm what was the point of your original Q? You didn't need us to tell you what to do.

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Yes, you absolutely made the right decision. He has quite the cojones to ask you to wait around - please. He's not that special. He just wanted you as Plan B for when his other girls were busy. But I want to point out that they weren't "side" girls; this guy told you he didn't want a relationship. You were among the options. I also wouldn't buy that they're just his texing buddies.

 

Good for you for shutting the door on that. I wouldn't have left it as an option either.

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I met a guy and had been talking/seeing him for the past two and a half months. The first month and a half we talked on the phone 3-4 days a week but did not see each other because I had gone back home from college. When I returned to college I began to see him around twice a week for a month. When I first met him he told me he did not want a relationship but I continued to talk to him because I really believed that I did not want a relationship either. When I returned to college and began seeing him I realized that I desired a relationship with him. I told him how I felt and he said that he could see a future with us and that I should wait a year which he ended up shortening to a few months for him to be ready to fully commit to me. I realized after a month of seeing him and two and a half months of talking that I wanted a commitment right then and did not want to wait two more months especially over the fact that he told me that he messed with girls on the side even though he stated that his level of connection with the other girls were just as texting buddies and he was only trying to build a relationship with me. He even stated that if one of these girls offered to have sex with him he would have sex with them ( I am a virgin and was not having sex with him). I got sick of the side girls and told him it's either me or them & when he chose to be single I decided to stop talking to him. He was greatly upset and wanted me to wait around for him to be ready to commit to me in a couple of months but I could not wait when what I wanted was a relationship right then. So I walked away from him. He told me he still wanted to be friends and I told him for now I wanted no contAct and if I wanted to be friends in the future then I would call him and let him know. Did I do the right thing by walking away?

 

Your decision is your own its not right or wrong.

 

By the way Kudos to this guy for being absolutely transparent.

He never lied to you, gave you any false hope.

Told you the absolute truth - Seems like a stand up guy

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Michelle3494

@expatinitaly yes he did tell me that he did not want a relationship. But after telling him that I wanted a relationship he mentioned several times that he saw me in his future, and called me his future girlfriend multiple times. If he did not want a relationship why would he do that then? To string me along?

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If he did not want a relationship why would he do that then? To string me along?

 

As I read what you posted, he DID tell you he didn't want a relationship. If he had strung you along, you would have heard lies about what he wanted and what he was doing. You didn't hear that. You just heard things you didn't want to hear.

 

You gave him an ultimatum, and he called your bluff. In this respect he was true to his word.

 

Did you do the right thing? Who knows? You stuck to your principles, but now you don't feel good about your choice. You couldn't put up with what he was doing, but you couldn't get what you wanted either.

 

You made a choice, given the reality on the ground. What you really want is another reality. That seems like the only thing that will make you happy in the short run. Until you change your attitude about this, you will continue to be dissatisfied with the outcome, either way.

 

My sense is you did the right thing, which is often a difficult thing to do.

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  • 3 weeks later...
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I know that I did the right thing by walking away, but this past month without talking to him has been hard. It is completely difficult to go from talking to someone hours each day to not talking to them at all. Any advice?

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Im not sure what I should do. I told him after no contact for a month I would call him and be friends with him like but I truly feel like I am not ready for that I would miss him too much. I still want to be more than friends

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Im not sure what I should do. I told him after no contact for a month I would call him and be friends with him like but I truly feel like I am not ready for that I would miss him too much. I still want to be more than friends

 

Don't contact him.

Seriously.

 

You did the right thing and if you crawl back to be "friends" now, you will just end up right back where you started, but weaker in his eyes.

 

If you really feel like there is a connection, look him up after a year or two or after you have dated some other guys. You are not over him, so you can't be friends and you know he doesn't want a relationship with you now so avoid putting yopurself in the position to be hurt.

He is young and so are you. If there really is something there, you'll reconnect in the future.

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  • 5 months later...
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Michelle3494

Well after 5 months of absolute no contact he texted me and we started taking again and after a few weeks he asked me to be his girlfriend and we are now in a committed relationship! Thanks everyone for your advice about telling me to walk away from him 6 months because I truly do not believe that he would have made a commitment to me if I had stuck around in the sidelines.

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