Your take on people who are divorced...how soon is to soon?

[sportygirl89]

I have been talking to this guy who was divorced this summer. I'm a full time 2nd degree student. I made a promise to my self to stay single this entire year after my ex walked out on me while I was sick (divorced--ex wife cheated). My ex also had major mental issues.

 

I met this guy through my crossfit gym (and its a very social box). The coaches seem to love him and he seems to be at every social thing. He refers to his wife as his ex at least (ex always referred to her as his "wife"). This guy has no mental issues.

 

We have already initiated we both like each other. How to move forward?

[carhill]

In my generation, we usually 'date'.

 

Suggest getting together outside of cross fit. That should kick-start things. As far as timing and health, the only way to know is to go. Everything else is conjecture and supposition.

[angel.eyes]

Recently divorced...ex coming up in conversation...Two red flags...toss that fish back in the pond and keep moving.

 

You're in school. Go find someone on campus.

[MidwestUSA]

It was two years before I was mentally and emotionally healthy enough after divorce to date. I wouldn't date anyone who hasn't been divorced at least that long.

[Mrin]

Different people progress at different speeds. I think it all comes down to a couple of things you can key off of:

 

1. Has he dated anyone else since the split. If not, then it is gonna get messy. It just is. Regardless of how long he's been divorced.

 

2. How much animosity does he has towards his ex/how messy was it? The messier the more likely this will get messy with him.

 

Lastly - how long were they separated?

[veggirl]

way too soon unless you are cool with being a rebound.

 

you don't get over a marriage in a couple months.

[central]

Every person and situation is unique, so in all fairness you need to evaluate each individually. Some people may take years. I was more than ready to date within weeks of moving out, and the divorce took several years beyond that.

[Missy0724]

Yes, everyone different and at different emotional states, health. You may think he is "ready" or fine...but as other posters said, watch for Red Flags. IMO it's ok to share and talk about history, including exes. I believe in being open and honest. With that said, it is HOW someone talks about someone. If he is extremely negative, bitching about her, etc. that is not healthy. Means he is still holding onto anger and stuff still going on in his head and heart. Hasn't moved on, in good place to have, maintain a new healthy relationship.

 

Date, sure! But keep it casual, and still meet other people. Know and state your boundaries and what works for you. Take time, go slow. Do not get intimate too early. Stuff like that... Watch his words, behaviors... No need to rush! If he's worth it, and you really like him, give him a chance! But words of "I'm ready" are so easy to say, or convince yourself of. I've been in that situation, and months later, no, he was not over his ex and all that unsettled stuff crept into our relationship and eventually it fell apart. And I was hurt pretty badly. All good now, over it, learned from it. But would have saved myself a lot of heartache if I had not rushed, knowing he had been recently divorced, baggage, drama, anger towards ex wife, still not over her. Even though he said he was doing well, and ready to date. Think he was convincing himself he was, and doing all the "right" things to move on, including dating, being with me! But it was not healthy and blew up in our faces...

 

So it is a case by case basis. Just please use your head more than your heart at this point, with someone who has an ex wife or ex husband, and/or kids. It is a very complicated situation. And really can only work, be healthy, if both people are truly in a good place. And realistically, usually is only after TIME has passed after divorce. Yes, two years is a good time, IMO. Because it takes time to get thru all the complicated details, life stuff, emotional aftermath of a divorce, esp someone who has been married for a long time.

 

As long as you are both open and honest, and share your concerns with each other, you can get a better picture. But again, words are cheap. Watch the actions! Good luck!

[Toodaloo]

Every person and situation is unique, so in all fairness you need to evaluate each individually. Some people may take years. I was more than ready to date within weeks of moving out, and the divorce took several years beyond that.

 

very much this.

 

I know a chap who was ready a couple of months after his wife left. Equally have had my heart burnt by a "separated" man.

 

Look for red flags.

 

Is he talking about her alot, how does he talk about her when he does... think in terms of emotional availability rather than physical!!!

 

Good luck - hope your situation works out better than mine

[d0nnivain]

It will be different for everybody. My former boss got engaged in the hallway outside of the courtroom immediately after he exited his divorce hearing. I thought that was a little fast but it's been 20 years & he's still with his 2nd wife so what do I know?

[azureorb]

Casually date, but that's about it. In order to get over a relationship, you need to get your feet wet in the dating scene. Both of you.

 

If he actually got the DIVORCE this summer, that means he was SEPARATED for a while already -- so he has moved on some already. However, the "wow, surprise" to many separated folks is that going thru the Divorce proceedings and getting it wells up those past feelings of losing someone -- which will take a bit to go away. Everyone's different, but you can't bank on them having 100% zero-thoughts/feelings about the now official Ex -- just as you can't bank on them having too much thought about them either.

 

Date casually! Don't AIM for Relationship... and don't let things "hit it off" too intensely, too soon either! You can fool around and all, but don't hang out more than 2x a week for a good while... or talk on the phone Every day (maybe minimal texts in between days of talking on the phone if you're a phone person).

 

Keep the distance as far as frequency of spending time together's concerned ... but yeah, have fun, meet other guys (as I'm sure he's touched girls underneath their spandex wear too) -- and get to know him/his situation for awhile... and after a month and a half, amp it up if it's comfortable (but not too much too quick)... and slowly build from there until it's been about 6 months.

 

But don't bank on HIM being "THE guy" for now and the forseeable future. Again, just-dating. That's the key mindset.

[GoBlue]

Move slowly with eyes wide open. Paying attention to "Red Flags" is essential in the dating process. The best advice I have ever received is to make sure you don't jump into any kind of physical involvement. This does nothing but muddle the water and bring premature attachment, which then complicates things if going your separate ways becomes necessary. Just remember, you are highly valuable and deserve to be loved and respected. Do not compromise on these key components to any successful and fulfilling relationship.

[stillafool]

I made a promise to my self to stay single this entire year after my ex walked out on me while I was sick (divorced--ex wife cheated).

 

Me thinks you should stick to your promise to yourself. Stay single so you don't have distractions. Why mess your life up with new problems when you're doing so well. Just continue to study and stay single for now.

[sportygirl89]

He ended up going to "date" this other girl. She told me they had been dating a month. Idk if she knows he wasn't officially divorced. My guess it was the first girl to sleep with him. Ha. Not my loss. Girl doesn't know she's being used . Not my place to tell her if she is going to be dumb enough. Thanks for heads up though!

[Danda]

Just throwing in additional "everyone is different, just go slow and be cautious" input.

 

I can't speak from experience, but my biological parents both remarried in a relatively short span following the divorce.

 

My father's new marriage was a total ****storm and didn't last even 2 years.

 

My mother is still married to husband2 and happily so, not that they've never had a fight or any ups/downs, but overall it's been stable and pleasant.

 

I think the difference was that my father was an inherently extremely dysfunctional person, to put it lightly, while my mother was an inherently very strong and wise person (not perfect but I have mad respect for her for several reasons).

[carhill]

In support of those who move on quickly (not me, evidently!), my exW was living with a new boyfriend before we were divorced and they're still together 5 years later, so half as long as we were married.

 

What I've noticed in my social circle is that women tend to move on relatively quickly to new LTR's or M's and the guys tend to take longer, IMO for two reasons: One, the deficit of women and two, more traditional practices in my generation in the areas of finance. Most guys, like myself, get hit pretty hard and it takes time to recover to where we 'feel' like a man again. Perhaps that's not a big deal to the younger guys, IDK.

 

In any event, unless death is at the door, no rush, IMO.

[Gaeta]

A rule of thumb. Take how long the relationship lasted and X by 25%. I work in finance, I have a formula for everything

 

Seriously, If it takes more then 25% you have unsolved issues and it's time to seek help. If it takes less then 25% you may be rushing. Of course there are exceptions to every rule but this is a base. When you end a relationship allow yourself this length of time to recover and rediscover yourself.