Daloopa Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 My bf wants me to do something with him (not sexual) and I know I should do it to make him happy, but I really really don't want to, sometimes even the mere thought of it terrifies me I know this makes me a terrible gf and a terrible person, but I feel like I need to distance myself from my bf now, so that he can do what he wants and make the most out of his life without me. I just feel so bad, like I'm keeping him from being happy in some way. Has anyone else ever felt like this? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 Many times in a relationship we do things for our partners that wouldn't have otherwise been on top of our individual lists of fun things to do. It's called compromise. Last month, DH & I took a trip to see a bunch of his buddies. The trip isn't that much fun for me but he loves it so we go every year & I make the best of it. In exchange, next month, we're off to see my college roommate who he has never met. While I'm thrilled, he's lukewarm about the idea, at best. We do these things because they are important to the other person. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 That doesn't make you a terrible anything. You don't want to do it? Don't do it. I take it that you not doing it gets in the way of his life somehow. Like maybe moving overseas. He has to judge how important this is to him. I can understand if you don't want to be the cause of his regret later in life. Don't distance yourself either. If you're going to get out of his way, then just go. Be nice, break up, tell him why, and be firm. Leave the option of him coming back, but only after he's sufficiently scratched that itch. Just make sure it is one of many options, and not necessarily the preferred one. More like you won't kill the idea. Then wish him luck as he goes off to __________________________________. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Daloopa Posted September 23, 2014 Author Share Posted September 23, 2014 Many times in a relationship we do things for our partners that wouldn't have otherwise been on top of our individual lists of fun things to do. It's called compromise. Last month, DH & I took a trip to see a bunch of his buddies. The trip isn't that much fun for me but he loves it so we go every year & I make the best of it. In exchange, next month, we're off to see my college roommate who he has never met. While I'm thrilled, he's lukewarm about the idea, at best. We do these things because they are important to the other person. I'm happy to do lots of things for him and that he wants to do, but this one things terrifies me. I just don't think I can do it. I know thats terrible and I don't want to be the one spoiling things for him, so thats why I feel like distancing myself. I just want him to be happy, thats what matters to me. I think maybe in the future I might feel better about doing this things he wants to do, but right now I don't trust myself to do it and not have a meltdown or something. I know that sounds overly dramatic, but thats just how I feel right now. I wish I didn't feel like this about it, because I want him to be happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 Daloopa, Assuming this is nothing illegal, then this is one of the challenges we all face in relationships. How do we satisfy our own needs without alienating and upsetting our partner? Do we do things we don't want to do to keep our partner happy and then feel resentful? Or do we refuse to do things that make us uncomfortable and upset our partner? How can we grow and develop as a person within the relationship while allowing the other person to grow and develop at the same time, bearing in mind that we may not always want the same things or be going in the same direction? When you have the answers let me know - and I'm sure a lot of other people would like to know how to meet these challenges. I'm not being flippant here - just pointing out that only you can solve this dilemma. Good luck with whatever you decide to do. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 What is it? If you are terrified you certainly don't have to do something you don't want to do but you do need to to talk to your BF about why you are so terrified. If he understands your fear he should be able to help you through it or he will back off the pressure to get you to do it. A healthy relationship is about communications. Link to post Share on other sites
Crila16 Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 You should never feel pressure from anyone, to do something you're not ready for...especially in a relationship. A relationship with the right person who really loves you, would never want to put you in that position. A relationship with the right person, makes you feel safe and secure. You definitely should distance yourself from this guy. I don't like that you're not ready for something and you're being pressured. You control your body and what you do, not anyone else. What you're feeling is your gut instinct. Never ignore it. It's right 100% of the time and will never let you down. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 You definitely should distance yourself from this guy. I don't like that you're not ready for something and you're being pressured. She never said she was being pressured. All she said was she is terrified. For all we know the OPs BF casually said let's go to the amusement park next week & go on the roller coaster. She may be terrified of roller coasters or heights but if she never told him that, is that really a reason to break up without talking about this issue? Link to post Share on other sites
Crila16 Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 @d0nnivain...that's why it's an advice site. You give your opinion and I'll give mine. Thank you. ...and you're right. It could be roller coaster...or maybe not. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 @d0nnivain...that's why it's an advice site. You give your opinion and I'll give mine. Thank you. ...and you're right. It could be roller coaster...or maybe not. You seem to have missed my point. I was questioning your advice to break up with somebody before talking about what was wrong, especially if you but not the OP said there was pressure. Of course somebody can do that. I just disagree that it's the wisest initial course of action. It also wasn't personal to you. I know that sometimes reading on a screen I miss details & when I see another poster's response I realize that the piece I inadvertently overlooked was critical & thus changes my response. All I was pointing out was that absent "pressure" IMNSHO jumping to a break up seemed extreme. Link to post Share on other sites
heartshaped Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 I think you just need to be honest with your boyfriend. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mrgoodcat Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 Gosh, I'm so intrigued what it is that makes you not want to be his GF any more. If it's illegal, dump his arse instantly. If it is moving to another country, yeah, also shouldn't be an option unless you're married. Link to post Share on other sites
Crila16 Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 Not taking it personally. Your advice was great too. I could be wrong. It could be something as simple as the guy wants her to go camping with him. My mind just gravitated towards something more dramatic and serious. Ipersonally think that when someone pressures you (whether it drugs, sex, robbing a bank)...they're not right for you. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 Ipersonally think that when someone pressures you (whether it drugs, sex, robbing a bank)...they're not right for you. I agree. Pressure is bad, potentially relationship ending. Hence, it would probably be helpful to all of us who are trying to advise the OP if Daloopa could specify what this issue is. If it's a big thing, that may warrant one response but if it's a trivial as my example (roller coaster) that may merit another response. Although reading her 2nd post in response to my original reply, I wonder if she simply wants out of the relationship & is using whatever this issue is as an excuse. Of course that's OK; people are not required to stay in relationships & can get out for any reason or no reason but it usually helps if you are honest with at least yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Crila16 Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 Let's ask... OP....are you trying to look for a reason out, because you're just not into the guy? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Daloopa Posted September 23, 2014 Author Share Posted September 23, 2014 Sorry for the confusion everyone and for being so vague. I'm also scared that my bf might stumble upon this site and realise its me posting this. I know, probably unlikely, but I am a highly anxious person. I'll try to add a few more details to give you guys a better idea what's going on. The main problem isn't what he wants me to do though, its me thats the problem, me who has the problem, hence why I know I'm a terrible gf. I have very very severe anxiety / emotional attacks at times, that cripple my abilities to think clearly in those moments and often cause me to despair and have a meltdown. I'm getting help for it, but its still pretty bad at the moment, and certain things trigger it a lot My bf wants me to go away with him and his friends and I just don't trust myself to go away with him and them at the moment. I already told him I was uneasy about it, but that I didn't want my feelings to stop him going with them and having a good time. I just get the impression that he doesn't want to go unless I go too. So I feel like if I don't go, that I'm stopping him having fun with his friends. I don't know what to do? I think I need to talk to him again and try and explain just how bad my anxiety can get at the moment and why I'm so nervous to go with them. In the future, I'm hoping I'll be better, or at least have my emotional problems more under control, so then I might be ok to go on holiday with them. I hope he can understand and not miss out this opportunity just because I don't feel up to going yet. Thank you everyone for the advice so far and sorry again for my vagueness. I am new to forums like this, but realise it might be difficult to offer the best advice when I leave out so much. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 Wheew. Thanks for clearing that up. To me it's not currently a break up worthy issue. Just sit him down & say hey, now's not a good time for me to go away. I just don't feel comfortable. I love / really like you & am thrilled you asked. I don't want to hold you back, though. Go. Have a great time. I'll see you when you get back. If he does more than gently nudge you / try a little bit to talk you into it, it may become a break up worthy issue but for now just do your own thing. Being together doesn't mean you become co-joined twins. For example this weekend, I'm off to a wine tasting while my husband will be going to see a headliner comedian with a buddy. DH would be miserable at the wine tasting & don't really care for the comedian so we're off to spend time with friends. No harm. No foul. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Daloopa Posted September 23, 2014 Author Share Posted September 23, 2014 Wheew. Thanks for clearing that up. To me it's not currently a break up worthy issue. Just sit him down & say hey, now's not a good time for me to go away. I just don't feel comfortable. I love / really like you & am thrilled you asked. I don't want to hold you back, though. Go. Have a great time. I'll see you when you get back. If he does more than gently nudge you / try a little bit to talk you into it, it may become a break up worthy issue but for now just do your own thing. Being together doesn't mean you become co-joined twins. For example this weekend, I'm off to a wine tasting while my husband will be going to see a headliner comedian with a buddy. DH would be miserable at the wine tasting & don't really care for the comedian so we're off to spend time with friends. No harm. No foul. Thanks Yes I know you're right, I need to talk to him about it. I'm just scared what his reaction will be. I really hope he will be ok about it and still be able to go and have a good time without me. Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 Gosh, sorry to hear about your issue... Hopefully you can get some treatment for it, cuz having to break off RLs for something you need to work on is pretty tough and I hope one day you can bring your best self to a RL. But kudos to you for not letting your issues take away from your bf's happiness... I say don't break up, but seek treatment and let him know. If you're sincere and he cares for you, hopefully he can be with you through your help for the anxiety. Link to post Share on other sites
Crila16 Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 Yeah...thanks for clearing that up. I had you robbing a bank or pulling a drug deal. Going away...for how long? If you're going to be with this guy, he's gotta know all parts of you, and he's going to have to see who you really are eventually. The only thing is...first time going away...it's probably not a good idea to go with all his friends. Just him is one thing...but a group of his friends might be a little tough for you the first time around. He's just going to have to understand, if it's something you feel you can't do. If he loves you, he'll be ok with it. Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 This is a potential relationship problem: I have very very severe anxiety / emotional attacks at times, that cripple my abilities to think clearly in those moments and often cause me to despair and have a meltdown. I'm getting help for it, but its still pretty bad at the moment, and certain things trigger it a lot. This is not: My bf wants me to go away with him and his friends and I just don't trust myself to go away with him and them at the moment. This seems like the understatement of the year: I already told him I was uneasy about it and I immediately wondered if you've disclosed both the problem and the extent of your problem to your BF. This makes me doubtful: I need to talk to him again and try and explain just how bad my anxiety can get at the moment and why I'm so nervous to go with them. Yes you do. It is unfair of you not to let him know this, because the way you describe it, you introduce potential drama and uncertainty into your relationships where healthy psyches would never expect it. He needs to decide if he's up for your challenges. For example, if my GF wanted to go jump out of airplanes, I'd be terrified of that, and I wouldn't do it, but I wouldn't think it is that big a deal for her to go with her suicidal friends and enjoy this without me. The fact that you jump to "end the relationship" thoughts is the troublesome icing on top of your anxiety problem cake. THAT is what you really need to discuss this with him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Daloopa Posted September 23, 2014 Author Share Posted September 23, 2014 Yeah...thanks for clearing that up. I had you robbing a bank or pulling a drug deal. Going away...for how long? If you're going to be with this guy, he's gotta know all parts of you, and he's going to have to see who you really are eventually. The only thing is...first time going away...it's probably not a good idea to go with all his friends. Just him is one thing...but a group of his friends might be a little tough for you the first time around. He's just going to have to understand, if it's something you feel you can't do. If he loves you, he'll be ok with it. Yeah, sorry again for being vague. Its nothing to do with drug deals or anything though so you don't have to worry that much. I know you're right that he needs to know about the problems I have. He does a little already, I think he just doesn't understand quite how bad it can be for me sometimes. Hopefully he'll understand. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 Daloopa Since you are getting help with your anxiety perhaps roll play / practice with your therapist before you discuss these issues with your BF. The practice should help keep you calm. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Daloopa Posted September 23, 2014 Author Share Posted September 23, 2014 Yes you do. It is unfair of you not to let him know this, because the way you describe it, you introduce potential drama and uncertainty into your relationships where healthy psyches would never expect it. He needs to decide if he's up for your challenges. For example, if my GF wanted to go jump out of airplanes, I'd be terrified of that, and I wouldn't do it, but I wouldn't think it is that big a deal for her to go with her suicidal friends and enjoy this without me. The fact that you jump to "end the relationship" thoughts is the troublesome icing on top of your anxiety problem cake. THAT is what you really need to discuss this with him. Yeah, I know you're right. I need to talk to him about how I'm feeling and the problems I have in more detail. I've told him before that I'm worried my emotional problems will hold him back in life and make him unhappy and he seems to want to stick around anyway, because he says he loves me so much. I just really don't want to be the one to ruin his life. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 You are giving yourself too much credit. As his GF, you don't have the power to ruin his life. He likes you. Take that at face value for now. Link to post Share on other sites
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