The longer I'm in a relation, the more insecure I become...

[Jbum5]

Hey all. So I thought I was over this, but I found out that I'm not. The thing is, I've been in several relationships in the past and in each relationship I find the same thing happening to me over and over again - that as I venture deeper into the relationship I become more and more insecure, even with no particular reason to be such a way.

 

And the worst thing is I get insecure about literally anything.

 

Examples:

 

Let's say my GF has kept the same profile picture on Facebook for the longest time and she suddenly decides to change it and it's another good picture of her; when I see this I start to get insecure thinking about how I find her attractive and how many other men will too, and then this train of thought leads to "oh no maybe she's losing interest in me and is starting to attract other men" already.

 

OR let's say I text her on whatsapp and I don't get a response. I'd check my phone periodically and notice that she's "Online" but she's not replying. So I start to think to myself why is she online but not responding to me. She must obviously be responding to others - is she losing interest?

 

OR she's in school and decides to join a new club/activity/event (she's in undergrad). This new change makes me insecure because I think to myself "oh, she's going to meet a bunch of new people. what if she meets some guy that charms her and they run off together/cheat on me?"

 

OR she decides to suddenly start going to the gym after not having been to one in years. In this case my mind starts to wonder, why is she suddenly going to the gym - to get fit? Is she going to check out the handsome, buff guys at the gym (I'm not buff)? Is she going to get fit because she wants to be more attractive and attract other guys? My mind always will wonder things like these.

 

OR she goes to a drinking/social without me.

 

 

As you can see, I'm paranoid and made insecure by change. And I don't know why. I lead a pretty busy life so it's not like I have all the time in the world, but I find that whenever I start a relationship suddenly everything else matters less. And I find that I put too much focus on my girl, which I suspect has a negative impact on me in the above ways.

 

Still, though, I find that the more I like her, the longer I stay in the relationship, the worse the above thoughts come. Yes, it's the fear of losing her, but I don't understand why I can't simply trust it to be as it is. whenever I start thinking the above thoughts for those and any other scenario that pops up, I start to get clingy. I ask questions and probe. I am never and never have been controlling, but I do probe. And sometimes when I probe it just becomes worse.

 

And it impairs me. I have many things to do in my own life but I would put it on hold to deal with these insecurities which only seem to get worse over time.

 

Advice?

 

EDIT: Another contributory factor, I think, is that I don't do any of the above scenarios - intentionally. I feel like I don't want my gf to feel insecure so if I had FaceBook I wouldn't change the picture to a more attractive one (in fact I don't even use FB but I know because I log on every once in a while). I don't go to socials without her. I always respond to her first in messages, and I avoid eye contact with/looking at other women (yes, I feel the urge to but I look away anyways). To me, I don't feel a burden to do this and my gf did NOT even ask me to. So I suppose by doing this and her not doing the same for me is a contributory factor to my insecurities.

Edited September 22, 2014 by Jbum5

[Emilia]

Yes it does sound like abandonment issues. What kind of family did you grow up in OP? Are your parents divorced? Has either of them ever been distant/walked out on you?

[quidproquo89]

that sounds really rough dude. But I think its all in your head. Can you find a way to tell yourself that everything's fine. She is still with you, isn't she? So that is your proof that all is okay.

 

How about being spontaneous now and again with her. Take her away or flowers and candle lit dinner type things. Without being too heavy, just use some of these strong feelings and channel them into something good - spending great times together.

 

I wouldn't leave someone who made our time together great. Have fun!

[Jbum5]

Yes it does sound like abandonment issues. What kind of family did you grow up in OP? Are your parents divorced? Has either of them ever been distant/walked out on you?

 

I thought about this too, but I don't have any obvious issues. My parents are loving, almost smothering (very protective) and they are not divorced although I don't think they are particularly happy with each other. They do fight a lot, and used to a lot more when I was young too. Neither of my parents has ever been distant or walked out. In fact, they pay too much attention to me, I think.

 

I thought about low-self esteem, but that doesn't make sense either. I hold a steady, good-paying job. I keep fit. I keep busy. I am good at doing things I do.

 

Yet despite all of the above, I have the issues described in my original post. What's up with that?

[Mister Zen]

You make the relationship too big a part of you life for one. Second, you forget that you can always get another wife, girlfriend, hook-up. There are 6 billion people on earth. No reason to be insecure.

[LoveIsMyReligion]

Hey guy I had to chime in here because I feel the same way. I'm very used to girls texting me back very quickly and/or waiting for the next chance to hangout with me. Then a new girl comes along and she is very attractive, guys drool when she walks by and I find myself being nosey and feeling insecure when her world doesn't revolve around me.

 

Just like you I have a lot going on in my life too, good job, stay fit, etc..

 

I think this is just a personality attribute for certain people.. Best advice I could give you/me is to try and find someone that doesn't make you feel this way.

[travelbug1996]

sounds like low self esteem. you gotta build your confidence up and accept when you date attractive people, other people still want them

[Emilia]

I thought about this too, but I don't have any obvious issues. My parents are loving, almost smothering (very protective) and they are not divorced although I don't think they are particularly happy with each other. They do fight a lot, and used to a lot more when I was young too. Neither of my parents has ever been distant or walked out. In fact, they pay too much attention to me, I think.

 

I thought about low-self esteem, but that doesn't make sense either. I hold a steady, good-paying job. I keep fit. I keep busy. I am good at doing things I do.

 

Yet despite all of the above, I have the issues described in my original post. What's up with that?

Still makes sense. A lot of fighting at home can and does create instability. If your parents latch onto you so much I assume you have been always aware of their anxieties from early childhood? How do they talk to you? Do they discuss their marrital problems with you?