purplesoccer34 Posted September 21, 2014 Share Posted September 21, 2014 (edited) I met a guy through a friend. I saw him briefly before the first date, but the first date was when we actually talked and got to know each other. Well he turned out to be very shy and actually a bit sheltered but that's perfectly fine with me. I actually thought that was kind of cute. We went to starbucks for our first date, and wow he seemed really nervous but I didn't find that a problem either. This guy sort of held back so I was the first to step up to the cashier. I told her what he and I both wanted, and I gave her my credit card. From my past experiences, the guy has always stepped in and me and him would fight over who gets to pay lol. I thought it would be something similar here, but he just sort of stood back and let me pay. I thought "okay whatever it's fine, he seems super nervous so it's okay" lol. I didn't have a problem paying. We went on a second date to a restaurant, and this time the cashier placed the check right in front of him so he put in his credit card. I said, "Oh no we can split it," and he was like, "Yeah fine. Whatever." So I put in my card too, and we split the bill. I don't have a problem splitting the bill or paying for meals, but is it weird that this guy never offered to pay? I've been on several dates before, and every single time the guy was the first to jump right in and pay. One guy even said to me, "Split the bill? Haha you're crazy!" My most recent ex and I would playfully fight every single time when it came to paying the bill and the cashier would always laugh. This guy is also a few years older than me--28, whereas I'm 23. He's pretty well-established in life compared to me, and he has a great job. In the past, I've only dated guys who were at the most, a few months older than me so I was always on the same page with them. Other than this, the guy seemed nice. Just overly shy though, and so he didn't say much. I'm actually shy myself, but I've never dated a shy guy. He did ask to meet up again, but I'm wondering if his not offering to pay is really a big deal. Edited September 21, 2014 by purplesoccer34 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted September 21, 2014 Share Posted September 21, 2014 So let me get this straight: he put in his card to pay, you offered to split, he accepted and you are holding against him that he accepted your offer? Am I missing something here? If you didn't want to pay, why did you offer? He was going to foot the bill all by himself by the sound of it so what is the question? 11 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 21, 2014 Share Posted September 21, 2014 RW's I dated had a word for men like him, the rough polite translation from Russian was 'greedy'. Early interactions tend to set the tone, for both sides. My suggestion would be, if you'd like for him to plan and pay for a date, encourage that behavior. Try to refrain from making any apparently generous act you don't feel sincere about. If things flow, they do; if not, not. Accept either result. Link to post Share on other sites
Assasda Posted September 21, 2014 Share Posted September 21, 2014 I personally dont think its a big deal. Its only a big deal, if you make it a big deal. Like everything else 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGypsy Posted September 21, 2014 Share Posted September 21, 2014 Maybe it intimidates him when you step up or step in. ? Especially if he's kind of on the timid side. Link to post Share on other sites
Supernatural Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 He probably used to pay for women all the time but has had his handful of failed dating experiences and now doesn't place a ton of effort in to 'jumping on the bill' like someone in their early twenties would. To him it's not that big of a deal. He has a great job, you said, so money isn't the issue. He's gauging what is or is not worth it. I know if I'm still single in 3 years after going out a bunch more... I doubt I'll be so eager to foot bills because I would have a more pessimistic view that this woman is the one who will work out. I think I would be more concerned about the connection than the bill. I've been on a bunch of first and second dates. Paying for all of them. One or two have gone somewhere. The rest... I shouldn't have paid. Just because the guy should doesn't mean he should. Next date I go on... I doubt I'll pay for her. If she is actually interested in me.., Paying the bill shouldn't be a factor in her wanting to see me again. Her time is not worth more than mine. And paying for her pay doesn't make me feel like less of a gentleman. People have to earn that. Because I have had many women take advantage of that with little in return. Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 Who takes a girl to Starbucks for their first date? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayken Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 @OP....for the first date, it makes sense to go Dutch. If there is a second date, then perhaps then you or the date can pay. My last date paid for the restaurant bill, and I took care of the next date Link to post Share on other sites
KatZee Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 Maybe I'm old fashioned, but this is exactly how I go about first dates. Here Is Why Paying For The Date Is Not About The Money | James Michael Sama If a man asks a woman out for a first date, HE pays. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayken Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 Maybe I'm old fashioned, but this is exactly how I go about first dates. Here Is Why Paying For The Date Is Not About The Money | James Michael Sama If a man asks a woman out for a first date, HE pays. Ahahahaha...right, which means a woman will never have to pay as most will never ask a man out. OK...got it 3 Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 Ahahahaha...right, which means a woman will never have to pay as most will never ask a man out. OK...got it Oh, they pay. Just not with money. Link to post Share on other sites
jay1983 Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 Maybe I'm old fashioned, but this is exactly how I go about first dates. Here Is Why Paying For The Date Is Not About The Money | James Michael Sama If a man asks a woman out for a first date, HE pays. LMAO that was a good laugh. Especially the part about 53% of women said they spend money in advance on new outfits and pre-date grooming. 65% of women spend more than $50 on preparing for the date. "She might go out and buy new shoes, or get her nails done, or even get her hair done. Do you have any idea what it costs for a manicure, pedicure, and a haircut? Probably more than you will spend on dinner, even at a nice restaurant in the city." So because she paid for her outfit, got her nails done and spent some time getting ready the man should pay. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 LMAO that was a good laugh. Especially the part about 53% of women said they spend money in advance on new outfits and pre-date grooming. 65% of women spend more than $50 on preparing for the date. "She might go out and buy new shoes, or get her nails done, or even get her hair done. Do you have any idea what it costs for a manicure, pedicure, and a haircut? Probably more than you will spend on dinner, even at a nice restaurant in the city." So because she paid for her outfit, got her nails done and spent some time getting ready the man should pay. Let's hope she didn't spend all that dough to go to Starbucks. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Supernatural Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 That article was bullsh*t. So she buys herself some new clothes and gets her nails done, so she doesn't have to pay? Ya... Well I got a rub and tug at "Happy Hour Massage Parlor" before I met her for our first date. I spent $60. I shouldn't have to pay because I got myself in a relaxed state for her........................... A nice trick on every first date... So we don't have to have the dreaded 'who pays?' BS... Me: Have you ever... Dine and dashed? Her: Haha.. No! I'm too chicken... Me: Well. I'm not too chicken, I just never have. Her: Oh? Me: I know it's wrong... But let's live a little. Whaddya say?! Her: Mmmm i dunnooo.. Me: You walk out first and I'll sit here for 1 minute. Then I'll meet you outside. It will be exhilarating. Let's be each others first. If we get caught, I'll say it was my idea. Her: Oh OKAY! She walks out front FADE TO BLACK 1 Link to post Share on other sites
travelbug1996 Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 Did you ask him to go to starbucks?? If so, you should pay Did you ask him out to dinner?? If so, you should pay. If you want him to pay wait until he asks you out. If he indeed asked you out, you should have allowed him to step up and pay. Simple. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
moie Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 That article was bullsh*t. So she buys herself some new clothes and gets her nails done, so she doesn't have to pay? Ya... Well I got a rub and tug at "Happy Hour Massage Parlor" before I met her for our first date. I spent $60. I shouldn't have to pay because I got myself in a relaxed state for her........................... A nice trick on every first date... So we don't have to have the dreaded 'who pays?' BS... Me: Have you ever... Dine and dashed? Her: Haha.. No! I'm too chicken... Me: Well. I'm not too chicken, I just never have. Her: Oh? Me: I know it's wrong... But let's live a little. Whaddya say?! Her: Mmmm i dunnooo.. Me: You walk out first and I'll sit here for 1 minute. Then I'll meet you outside. It will be exhilarating. Let's be each others first. If we get caught, I'll say it was my idea. Her: Oh OKAY! She walks out front FADE TO BLACK Nice one hahahah, maybe one day I will use it. Back to the OP, back in the day when I was first dating and didn't know social conventions I was like ok whatever. I think you should seriously look at it from his POV, what was he supposed to do, it's a 50/50 answer. It would be weirder if he was sitting there for 5 minutes pondering like I did one time years ago. If you want to see how he behaves, just do another experiment next time at a different restaurant. You can even create a situation where he eats most of the expensive stuff and if he still expects you to split the check then he is truly clueless or just sucks. Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 You never gave him the opportunity to pay. We went to starbucks for our first date, and wow he seemed really nervous but I didn't find that a problem either. This guy sort of held back so I was the first to step up to the cashier. I told her what he and I both wanted, and I gave her my credit card. From my past experiences, the guy has always stepped in and me and him would fight over who gets to pay lol. I thought it would be something similar here, but he just sort of stood back and let me pay. I thought "okay whatever it's fine, he seems super nervous so it's okay" lol. I didn't have a problem paying. You should've let him take the lead. You should've held back. You took the man's role and stepped up to the cashier. The first one to the register pays, and that was you. He's obviously a bit timid and shy and you know that. Should he have stepped up and taken over? Maybe. But you know he's shy. It's all kind of awkward. We went on a second date to a restaurant, and this time the cashier placed the check right in front of him so he put in his credit card. I said, "Oh no we can split it," and he was like, "Yeah fine. Whatever." So I put in my card too, and we split the bill. He put in his credit card to pay the bill in full...and you offered to split it...and are mad at him? This makes no sense. He was offering to pay by putting his credit card in the with the bill. You disrupted that entire process by offering to pay your share, and he didn't know what to do. I don't even understand why you offered to pay? Unless you never want to see the guy again, stop this "should we split the bill" nonsense. It's absurd. Any man who is into you and wants to date you will be happy to pay the bill. My advice is to stop being so assertive with this guy and let him pay. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Elias33 Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 It's just Star Bucks, the guy should've paid. A cheap way of doing the "right" thing. So why not? Link to post Share on other sites
Elias33 Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 You never gave him the opportunity to pay. You should've let him take the lead. You should've held back. You took the man's role and stepped up to the cashier. The first one to the register pays, and that was you. He's obviously a bit timid and shy and you know that. Should he have stepped up and taken over? Maybe. But you know he's shy. It's all kind of awkward. He put in his credit card to pay the bill in full...and you offered to split it...and are mad at him? This makes no sense. He was offering to pay by putting his credit card in the with the bill. You disrupted that entire process by offering to pay your share, and he didn't know what to do. I don't even understand why you offered to pay? Unless you never want to see the guy again, stop this "should we split the bill" nonsense. It's absurd. Any man who is into you and wants to date you will be happy to pay the bill. My advice is to stop being so assertive with this guy and let him pay. Well said. It may be because the guy is a bit shy, but when a woman interrupts the payment procedure, it could be he has been reading a lot of feminist literature...maybe he's trying to be hipster about it... Link to post Share on other sites
Yookie Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 Don't offer to pay if you're going to be mad about it afterward. Seriously! You aren't being fair to the guy because he is going by YOUR actions. If you want to pay why should he be obligated to stop you. Your actions should reflect your intentions. You want him to pay so just let him and stop trying to pretend you're OK with paying. Simple. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jay1983 Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 It's just Star Bucks, the guy should've paid. A cheap way of doing the "right" thing. So why not? HTF is that the right thing? Link to post Share on other sites
Yookie Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 A nice trick on every first date... So we don't have to have the dreaded 'who pays?' BS... Me: Have you ever... Dine and dashed? Her: Haha.. No! I'm too chicken... Me: Well. I'm not too chicken, I just never have. Her: Oh? Me: I know it's wrong... But let's live a little. Whaddya say?! Her: Mmmm i dunnooo.. Me: You walk out first and I'll sit here for 1 minute. Then I'll meet you outside. It will be exhilarating. Let's be each others first. If we get caught, I'll say it was my idea. Her: Do you realize that the below minimum-wage waitstaff has to pay out of their salary for people who leave without paying the bill???. If you can't afford it I can pay for us both. Her: Pays the bill. FADE TO BLACK Edited for my response to this scenario. I would leave thinking you're a low-life scam artist lol. Link to post Share on other sites
jay1983 Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 OP, rather than shame you for feeling entitled, I have some really good advice for you and please take this into consideration. My question. Do you like the guy? If so, why don't you try and impress him? Pay your half of the bill and he will love that. The very few times I've had the privilege of seeing a woman who actually paid her share, I loved it. This is what I said about her. "I really like this girl, she's different. She never lets me pay for her, so I know she's not looking to leech off of me. I think this one might be a keeper" If you don't like him that much, please don't see him anymore. You'd be doing him a favor. Link to post Share on other sites
jay1983 Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 That article was bullsh*t. So she buys herself some new clothes and gets her nails done, so she doesn't have to pay? Ya... Well I got a rub and tug at "Happy Hour Massage Parlor" before I met her for our first date. I spent $60. I shouldn't have to pay because I got myself in a relaxed state for her........................... A nice trick on every first date... So we don't have to have the dreaded 'who pays?' BS... Me: Have you ever... Dine and dashed? Her: Haha.. No! I'm too chicken... Me: Well. I'm not too chicken, I just never have. Her: Oh? Me: I know it's wrong... But let's live a little. Whaddya say?! Her: Mmmm i dunnooo.. Me: You walk out first and I'll sit here for 1 minute. Then I'll meet you outside. It will be exhilarating. Let's be each others first. If we get caught, I'll say it was my idea. Her: Oh OKAY! She walks out front FADE TO BLACK LMAO hell yeah! Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 Ahahahaha...right, which means a woman will never have to pay as most will never ask a man out. OK...got it I agree that women should step up and ask guys out on dates, it's not the 1950's anymore. But when a woman jumps in there to pay can send the message they are not interested in a second date. Link to post Share on other sites
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