Threesome in her past bothers me

[Jammonit]

I have been with this girl for a few months. I'm early-30's she's late 20's.

I will say she is what I have been looking for. And she is looking to settle.

She is also best-looking girl I have ever been with. Just ridiculously cute beyond words. The saying "too good to be true" comes to mind.

 

One day she got drunk and asked if I've had a threesome before, and I said no.

And she says that she has. So I asked her if she liked the girl better or the guy.

And she reveals it was with two guys.

 

I have never thought I would ever meet a girl that has done this, so it completely caught me off guard. I was not prepared. I was just so completely turned off in every way.

Maybe she brought it up as a hint, I'm not sure. I am not interested in any kind of threesome. Maybe she brought it up because she just needed to get it out there. I'm not sure. But I can definitely say this is the worst thing she could have told me. I've been with partners a couple times that have told me about their past sexual flings and I had absolutely zero problems hearing anything. And I have always thought I was pretty open-minded. But this one just completely bothers me to the core and something I was unprepared for in every way. And I wish she never ever told me.

 

She started saying how she actually fell for one of the two guys and he just completely treated her like a joke. They did it a few more times with just him and he stopped answering her calls later. At this point, I just told her that I preferred not to hear anymore.

 

I'm not sure why she revealed this to me. Maybe it's a heartache that she needed to tell someone? Why me, for god's sake? I'm not sure why.

 

I know it's the past. Some will say I need to grow-up and let the past be the past. And I also understand that girls have sexual turn-ons and you can't blame anyone for living out a fantasy. This is what I've been trying to tell myself the past few days. I've been trying to just laugh it off as no big deal. Just a sexual fantasy. But the thought of two guys just tag-teaming and going at it on this girl will not leave my mind. And it completely changes the way I see her as a person. Again, I know I shouldn't and that it's not fair and even immature. But I just cannot see her the same even though I want to.

 

I would rather have heard anything but this. She used to work as a prostitute. She had a ridiculously high number of partners (never at once). Anything else I could have handled easy. But to me, (this is entirely subjective, I will not speak for all guys), there is something inherently demeaning and degrading about one girl and multiple men. Maybe for a girl, they see it differently, they see it as being that they are the center of attention and all these men are satisfying them. Or maybe some see it as degrading, and they get off on it. But whatever the case, I just cannot see it as anything other than just completely demeaning. Again, women will see this differently, and maybe even some guys. But I think a lot of guys can see my point of view.

 

I realize it's a double standard. But I accept that. Men and women are different physically and psychologically. Divorce laws generally favor women, statutory rape laws, sexual harrassment. Men generally are expected to initiate everything...Men and Women are equal without a doubt, but very different, and will see things in very very different light and perspective.

 

I understand if a girl just needs to do it once to know the feeling and experience. But if you do, I really really suggest you never ever tell the person you are with, about it.

 

This girl is the best I'll ever do. And I just really genuinely like her a lot. I'm going try and see if this feeling will go away. But I honestly can't get the thought out of my head every time I see her. And I am angry that she even told me. I realize she's drunk and alcohol will make you talk, but I really wished she never told me that.

[iiiii]

I understand where you are coming from.

 

I don't think she's wrong to have done that, and I don't even think she's wrong to have told you, but I can understand why you didn't want to hear it.

 

Most people don't like to hear all the gory details of their partner's previous sex life at all. Your partner shagging, or making love to, someone else can be a very uncomfortable picture to have in your head.

 

No wise words, sorry - I guess you'll just need to decide whether this mental picture is something you think you can live with, or not.

[GemmaUK]

Dump her right now.

 

Your feelings about this are too much to stand /sustain a relationship.

You would be too insecure over it.

 

She opened up to you.

You didn't express to her how that made you feel or what you thought of it.

 

She wasn't concerned as it was her past.

 

She is over it.

You are not and it sounds like it will bug you long term.

[LoveIsMyReligion]

He's not going to do dump her, didn't you read the part about her being really hott??

 

I've know a lot of people who have dated very very hott girls but ended up settling down and marrying someone slightly less good looking because they had a better personality or weren't as crazy as the hott girl. True story..

 

I would personally enjoy my time with this girl and take the long term relationship off the table for now.

[ja123]

Sorry for your pain.

 

 

I think the only guys who can possibly handle hearing something like this are the ones who've done some wild crazy sh*t themselves, or have their own vast life experience and philosophical perspective as to why someone might have done stuff like that. Even then, there are guys who've done tons of stuff, but still won't want their to-be-wife to have done it. Maybe that's the Madonna-whore complex or something.

 

 

Personally, I'd rather know, than not know. I wouldn't want the graphic images, but I'd rather know something about the person's sexual history.

 

 

As for saying you'd have rather she'd been a prostitute, well that 's easy to say as it's hypothetical. I'm not sure how you could handle that news better than the 3-some news.

 

 

What are your deepest fantasies? Could it be that you are repulsed because deep-down you've always wanted a 3-some? Maybe not, but it's worth asking yourself the question. Could it be that she did something that you didn't do, so you are feeling she's one-upped you? Or maybe, this kind of stuff isn't in the remotest for you.

 

 

Also, during the falling-in-love period, we tend to idealize our partners, so hearing something that doesn't fit with the rest of the information you have about her (or your projection of what she is or could be) breaks the bubble and comes as a big shock. You're in shock now.

 

 

I think you are wrong in saying that this is the best girl you're going to get. There are a lot of women in the world, so try not to think as though you don't have any options. This is a negative distortion which isn't helpful.

 

 

If this is an image you can't get over, then you are best to break it off because it will haunt you for years.

 

 

As you are in shock, you might want to take some time alone for you to process this, and figure out if you can move forward or not.

 

 

I'm thinking that it's too much for you, though, and you'd be better off ending it now.

 

 

You could also reach out to a counselor if need be.

 

 

Good luck!

Edited September 21, 2014 by ja123

[Ninjainpajamas]

The problem with being a guy is knowing how guys think about these women, that's what really wrecks your mind, and his behavior post threesome is a reflection of how he didn't care at all about her as a person.

 

And yet she fell for this guy still, and chased after the guy until he had to tell her to get lost. The girl you're now supposed to value and love, respect.

 

So here you are thinking she's the greatest thing ever and lo and behold she has to spill her guts about this sexual and romantic experience with none other than you...which by her mentioning this while drunk she is anything but over IMO.

 

Of course that's going to tarnish your image of her and diminish the value that you once saw in her, you might have even thought she wasn't capable of it (lot of guys fall for that just by how a woman acts and "looks"), therefore now you're going to have a harder time valuing this romantic relationship/connection due to the arrangement she used to be in prior with two guys...not exactly the most heart-warming history to say the least for men.

 

If she's the best you'll ever do it's going to be a hard pill to swallow either way...letting her go, or keeping her around are neither going to be painless options. Every guy will see your point of view and understand it, but they won't all come out on say it or necessarily admit to it, it's at the end of the day your decision though.

 

On one hand it's her "past" on the other hand she's brought it into the future...maybe she was insecure or felt guilty about it, maybe she doesn't have the greatest self-esteem over it and wanted to know how you would react, maybe she was hoping you had your own experience with it so she wouldn't feel judged but able to relate.

 

Talking to her about it is a tricky situation because if you're going to leave her anyway over it then it's better left unsaid, or she'll just feel judged and be upset about it.

 

But not talking to her about it will also make it harder to just suck up and pretend it never happened, when it actually really does bother you.

 

At this rate with how much it affects you, it's worth getting the elephant out of the room and talking to her about it...you may share different views, or she may be able to explain where she was at the time and what it meant to her. But nothing she says is necessarily going to make it any better to take, you'll have to figure out how much it actually bothers you, if it continues to bother you on a level that you don't feel you can progress anymore with her romantically, then you'll just have to move on.

 

You might not be able to at least in your mind, get anyone else like her...but it's going to cause a lot of drama and problems in your relationship if it's not something you can get through, and that usually requires facing the actual problem...I don't think you're capable of just ignoring it and trying to move on, I think that'll turn into a ticking time bomb, it's best to get it out in the air sooner than later and let the chips fall where they may.

 

These are what relationships are, this is the real world, dealing and going through things that make everything less than perfect...you've got to weigh in what's worth it to you and what isn't in the end, it could be worse, but it could be better too...but this sounds pretty horrible for you and it would be for a lot of other guys.

[Jules Dash]

Again, women will see this differently, and maybe even some guys. But I think a lot of guys can see my point of view.

 

 

I can see your point of view but I got over it by the time I got out of college. After my own adventurous experiences and having conversations with other women like "hey, me and Sonya met these two guys at the so and so campus. We took them home and did them both together."

 

I would hear these stories and hang out with these women at times and realized that they are just like any other woman except they were more sexually adventurous in college or maybe even afterward. Now, I look at their Facebook pages and they are married with children and living a normal life. Maybe their husbands know about their past or maybe not.

 

 

If you can't handle what she has shared with you then I suggest not making the relationship miserable for her by shutting down now or treating her like crap if she has otherwise been good to you. You may just need to walk away and tell your next GF that you don't want to hear about her past sexual escapades. You will then be spared the story of your next GF telling you she took four guys at once. What you don't know won't hurt you.

 

If it was me and my GF told me such a story, I would simply tell her to pass me the remote because the football game is about to start. So maybe I used to see your point of view but I'm in my 40s so not much from a woman's sexual past shocks me at this point.

[GemmaUK]

He's not going to do dump her, didn't you read the part about her being really hott??

 

 

Oh yeah. of course.

He just needed a rant.

 

I forget how men roll sometimes.

 

It is all about hot.

[Jules Dash]

Oh yeah. of course.

He just needed a rant.

 

I forget how men roll sometimes.

 

It is all about hot.

 

Well he will also be paradoxically turned on by it too given its porn element along with her being a hot participant. Turn it into a positive if that works for you.

[Tayken]

Oh yeah. of course.

He just needed a rant.

 

I forget how men roll sometimes.

 

It is all about hot.

 

 

That right, you have us all figured out....all my requirements for a successful relationship, is based on how "hot" the woman is. I mean heck if she uses drugs, cheats, lies, drinks, hasn't got a career, has kids, pets....but is "hot", I'll be all over her

 

Yeah right. I will say any man/woman in their 40s, who has been married once, and has kids...and is still getting caught up on looks, is deluded and needs to give their head a shake

[GemmaUK]

Well he will also be paradoxically turned on by it too given its porn element along with her being a hot participant. Turn it into a positive if that works for you.

 

Doesn't work for me (personally) but it might for him!

 

So tough!

What a dilemma!

 

How do a man's morals cope with this kind of thing?

[Jules Dash]

Doesn't work for me (personally) but it might for him!

 

So tough!

What a dilemma!

 

How do a man's morals cope with this kind of thing?

 

I just don't think a woman taking two guys at one time makes her morally corrupt. I think as women continue to come more and more into their own these stories will just become more open and common.

 

I never volunteer my past sexual experience with the woman I am dating. I just don't want to cause unnecessary anxiety but women tend to handle a man's sexual past much better than the other way around. Guys will gradually accept that the June Cleaver image days are over.

[GemmaUK]

I just don't think a woman taking two guys at one time makes her morally corrupt. I think as women continue to come more and more into their own these stories will just become more open and common.

 

I never volunteer my past sexual experience with the woman I am dating. I just don't want to cause unnecessary anxiety but women tend to handle a man's sexual past much better than the other way around. Guys will gradually accept that the June Cleaver image days are over.

 

I agree.

 

Message is too short....doh!

[Discjockey80]

Here is where I think it might be an issue...

 

To me, it wouldn't be so much what she had done in her past. Its what she is willing to do for me that makes the difference in lieu of this past information.

 

If she had this experience and yet feeds you a wild, uninhibited sex life in your relationship/marriage, then it really doesn't matter as much.

 

If on the other hand your bedroom is restricted and highly controlled when you (OP...the man) want it to otherwise be a fun, playful place, then that's a major problem.

 

What many women fail to realize is that 'sex' is a mans core love language. Its also the ultimate form of respect. And men are all about respect. To a man respect= Love.

 

Now, if this had been my wife and she let two guys do her, I'm not sure I'd care to recreate that experience with another guy. But...if she also failed to let herself go in a lot of other ways for me in the bedroom, it would be a huge problem. As it would show she is capable of being pretty sexually virulent with others, but not with me. And again...that would be an issue for me because sex is my core love language in my psyche.

 

Again...OP, you have a tough decision and I don't know what some of the other details in your relationship are like in regards to what I spelled out above but my bet, as a man, is that is a lot of what is bothering you and what you'll have to determine before going further.

[silvermercy]

One day she got drunk and asked if I've had a threesome before, and I said no.

And she says that she has. So I asked her if she liked the girl better or the guy.

And she reveals it was with two guys.

I'm very curious to know why on earth this was your default first assumption? Would it have bothered you equally if it was two girls instead of two guys?

[jay1983]

I prefer my partner not share this kinda thing with me.

 

Most women I've dated don't like to hear about past women I've slept with or any mention of my exes either.

[michellew]

You may be questioning her character after this, but the fact that she was honest and open about it also says a lot about her character. Not many women would admit to something like this; I don't think I could if I ever had a MMF threesome. I won't even tell guys I've had a FFM threesome in the past! Sounds like she just wanted to get this off her chest and move on.

 

In this day and age, these types of sexual experiences are more common than you think, especially for women in their 20s. However, they are also part of an experimental phase that passes. Chances are, the next woman that comes along is going to have some skeletons in her closet as well. The only difference may be that she won't be as open with you about it.

 

I would give it some time before you make a decision about letting her go.

[Gloria25]

Well, I think you should only reveal things to a partner that are relevant to the RL...in other words, if what you did will not affect your current RL and future, there's no point in burdening them with stuff - especially if you changed your ways...

 

At first I was gonna be like "oh, people experiment and probably done stupid things", but if I'm correct, the OP's gf went back several more times to do this with an abusive jerk? AND, she's a prostitute?

 

Well, it's up to you, but IMO, prostitutes have a cavalier attitude about sex and and who/where she puts her body...And if she hasn't cleaned up her act, then not sure if you wanna be on the ride for what's gonna come up next.

 

Dating is the time you get to find out about your mate...be thankful you found out this about her a few months rather than a bunch of months or year(s) down the road.

[preraph]

This is your issue, not yours, and I think you logically know that. Unless you have reason to believe your gf was abused, then I'd say she's just an open-minded person who wanted to explore. She did the fantasy. She did it at an age that a lot of people experiment. Chances are it didn't live up to the fantasy and she's done. I like that she's her own person and isn't ashamed of what she did. I always thought you shouldn't do anything you'd be ashamed for other people to find out. She's fine with what she did. It would be worse if she said, Oh, I knew better but I just gave in because the guys were pressuring me and I'm weak, because that would mean she's not in control of herself. She thought it was interesting that she did her fantasy and since most people have fantasies and there's no shortage of men having fantasies about doing it with two women, she rightly assumed most guys would enjoy the story. Her being a prostitute would be far, far worse because then you can, according to statistics, be about 85% sure she has underlying trauma or abuse issues that really will impact her entire life. So try to put that into perspective: the difference between a woman with deep-seated issues and a young woman free enough to explore.

 

If this is going to always haunt you, you either need to work on your issue, which there probably isn't enough time and money to do that, or let her go. Because you need to be able to respect her and you have hit the wall there. Continuing to see her because she's hot even though you know you've lost respect for her would be morally corrupt.

[Jammonit]

You just articulated everything that I am feeling.

Well, it's all over with and ended. It's going to take a lot of time to get my mind straight again.

Despite my age, I have some emotional maturing to do.

Thanks for the input, Pajama.

 

The problem with being a guy is knowing how guys think about these women, that's what really wrecks your mind, and his behavior post threesome is a reflection of how he didn't care at all about her as a person.

 

And yet she fell for this guy still, and chased after the guy until he had to tell her to get lost. The girl you're now supposed to value and love, respect.

 

So here you are thinking she's the greatest thing ever and lo and behold she has to spill her guts about this sexual and romantic experience with none other than you...which by her mentioning this while drunk she is anything but over IMO.

 

Of course that's going to tarnish your image of her and diminish the value that you once saw in her, you might have even thought she wasn't capable of it (lot of guys fall for that just by how a woman acts and "looks"), therefore now you're going to have a harder time valuing this romantic relationship/connection due to the arrangement she used to be in prior with two guys...not exactly the most heart-warming history to say the least for men.

 

If she's the best you'll ever do it's going to be a hard pill to swallow either way...letting her go, or keeping her around are neither going to be painless options. Every guy will see your point of view and understand it, but they won't all come out on say it or necessarily admit to it, it's at the end of the day your decision though.

 

On one hand it's her "past" on the other hand she's brought it into the future...maybe she was insecure or felt guilty about it, maybe she doesn't have the greatest self-esteem over it and wanted to know how you would react, maybe she was hoping you had your own experience with it so she wouldn't feel judged but able to relate.

 

Talking to her about it is a tricky situation because if you're going to leave her anyway over it then it's better left unsaid, or she'll just feel judged and be upset about it.

 

But not talking to her about it will also make it harder to just suck up and pretend it never happened, when it actually really does bother you.

 

At this rate with how much it affects you, it's worth getting the elephant out of the room and talking to her about it...you may share different views, or she may be able to explain where she was at the time and what it meant to her. But nothing she says is necessarily going to make it any better to take, you'll have to figure out how much it actually bothers you, if it continues to bother you on a level that you don't feel you can progress anymore with her romantically, then you'll just have to move on.

 

You might not be able to at least in your mind, get anyone else like her...but it's going to cause a lot of drama and problems in your relationship if it's not something you can get through, and that usually requires facing the actual problem...I don't think you're capable of just ignoring it and trying to move on, I think that'll turn into a ticking time bomb, it's best to get it out in the air sooner than later and let the chips fall where they may.

 

These are what relationships are, this is the real world, dealing and going through things that make everything less than perfect...you've got to weigh in what's worth it to you and what isn't in the end, it could be worse, but it could be better too...but this sounds pretty horrible for you and it would be for a lot of other guys.

[stillafool]

If she used to be a prostitute she has probably done other things that would make her little 3 some with 2 guys seem like childs play. Why are you so surprised that she has had a 3 some when you already knew she was a prostitute? Oh, and BTW she mentioned this experience when she was drunk because that's what she likes.

[Crila16]

Yeah...you may think that it's one sided, but I'm a woman and my ex boyfriend had 2 4-somes and 2 3-somes I found out. I've never had multiple partners. It actually disgusted me when I found out.

 

It ended up ruining our relationship because I couldn't get over it. I kept throwing it in his face...over and over again. It made me angry. To me...it's disgusting for male and female.

 

All I can say is get over it. Stop holding her past against her, or you're going to lose her. As long as from the day she met you and doesn't stray, that's all that matters. Man or woman...we're all humans. It's a shame that you men have a double standard, because it's unrealistic in this day and age...so get over it already. I have a female friend who sleeps with everything, because she loves sex. How is this different than a male who does it? I personally think it's gross on both sides...but to each his own.

[Standard-Fare]

OP, here's a woman speaking:

 

You need to work at getting over this. That will require adjusting your attitude about what exactly this sexual experience "signified."

 

She wasn't the passive victim of a gang-bang. She wasn't degraded against her will like a piece of trash. This was a youthful experimentation / fantasy fulfillment that she actively pursued, and to this day, she's not ashamed of it.

 

Is there any part of you that can understand how this experience could be EMPOWERING to a woman rather than degrading? I'd be willing to bet most women could relate to that fantasy of having two guys at once. I certainly can.

 

You have an open-minded women with an experimental streak. That's a good thing. If your relationship is otherwise solid, you need to do whatever you can to work past this.

 

(Also, @stillafool, you misread his post. His GF wasn't a prostitute.)

[jm2013]

Why would a threesome be more appalling then a bout of prostitution? If you were willing to look past the prostitution what is preventing you from looking past the threesome? You seem to be pretty fresh in your relationship. And to be honest, a threesome would be the least of my concerns.

 

If I were you I'd be more looking at what kind of role she's placing you in. Just make sure you don't end up being more of her father figure or brother figure (providing financial security) and taking care of her for years while she's out screwing around on you. I'm sure as more time passes you'll learn a lot more about each other though. Just keep a watchful eye out and good luck. If the other poster was right and you were just using prostitution as an example I apologize.

Edited September 23, 2014 by jm2013

[angel.eyes]

We all get to pick what matters to us in a partner, and what our deal breakers are. These aren't up for a committee vote or a referendum on equity. This is about what you want in your life and in your partner.

 

The point of dating is to learn about the other person--to figure out if you're compatible; to explore if your initial impression matches the reality of who the person really is and what you want. You've learned something about her that makes her unsuitable for you. That doesn't make her a person unworthy of love. No doubt she'll be perfect for someone else...just not you.

 

The kindest thing you can do when you realize there is no future with someone is to let that person go immediately rather than dragging things out. It's not fair to her to let her feelings for you continue to grow when you know the relationship is dead.