She needs time....?

[TheyAreMakingMeCrazy]

So I've been seeing this girl for about a month. After our first date (where we didn't even kiss), she told me we needed to talk. We met up, and she basically told me her ex husband showed up at her house the night after our first date and I guess she was confused. I thought that was the end, but we never stopped talking, and have since had sex.

 

After we had sex we continued talking nonstop for a couple days, until I opened my mouth and asked her what was going on, and if she was still dealing with her ex husband. Stupid me... So I go from nonstop texting to not hearing from her for a couple days. I finally get something out of her, and she tells me she's sad and overwhelmed, but still wants to keep talking. I didn't hear much after that, so I let her know that she needs to tell me what's up, or if I need to start dating other girls.

 

So we end up having a conversation where she tells me that she likes me but she needs time to figure things out.

 

The other issue is that we met online, and she is still frequently on the site. I called her out on it, and she says she'll occasionally chat with people, but doesn't plan on meeting anyone else while she's figuring things out. I'm not sure if it's true or not, but it kind of sucks when she says she needs time because of something with her ex husband, yet she's on a dating site talking to guys.

 

So I'm going to start trying to see other people, but I'm not sure how to handle this. I like her, and I'd like to continue seeing her, but how do I handle "needing time". Do I completely back off and go no contact? Should I still occasionally message her? Should I still actively pursue her regardless of what she says?

 

I'm was thinking of just sending one more message basically saying I'd like to see her again when she's ready, but the balls in her court.

 

What do you guys think?

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

Move on... don't get attached. She is having issues, EX is in the way, and probably is helpless in a relationship stand point. She is allowing others to distract her hurt and needs.

 

You can still be friends and my grow into a real relationship, only once she drops the EX completely and her issues that are running out of control with her needs.

[CarrieT]

Walk away and don't look back.

 

She is too confused and between her ExH *and* the fact that she is still on the site shows she likes the drama and thrives on it. That she is still in communication with an Ex to that level proves she is not over him and that is never a good time to develop a budding relationship with someone.

 

Do you want that in your life?

[LostOnes05]

I actually am going through the same exact scenario right now man. Only exception is that they were not married. I had that conversation as well, as I think it helped to clear the air for me. I actually told her that I liked her but since she was obviously distracted on our date, to take time to deal with her feelings for her ex. I also explained that it was definitely misleading to talk to me for a few months, know how I was feeling, and even more so know how she was feeling but say nothing until I pried it from her. Nevertheless, I told her to keep in contact but let's be honest that won't happen. We have not talked or anything for a few days, which is fine. I think that going No contact and giving her space is the best and only option for you bro. If she reaches out...fine, but keep conversation short (which is what I plan to do). No need to get hurt twice by having deep,extended conversations with someone who is obviously somewhere else. Writing this post is actually helping me as well to reinforce the fact that yea it sucks, but it would suck worse to be in a long-term relationship with this person and have them breakup with you because of these feelings were never dealt with. Stay strong bro, and know you're not alone in dealing with this. Hopefully this helps and thanks for helping me. Sometimes writing thoughts down is the best way to reinforce them and follow through!

Edited September 21, 2014 by LostOnes05

[kolleamm]

Hey you never know where it might lead but keep your guard up that's for sure, I never call it quits on any girl ever until I have a definite no because we'll you never know. Look at the bright side at least you had sex with her.

[preraph]

She's wanting to have some insurance she has a man if the ex doesn't work out. Listen, be nice about it if you think you might like her, but she's asking for too much here. In a nice way tell her you are going to move on for now and may check back in with her in a few months to see where she landed and hope her life is more settled by then.

[TheyAreMakingMeCrazy]

Thank you all for your replies. So another twist in the story... She texted me again today, so we talked for a little bit. I did hint to her that she would have to come see me to find out about something we talk about, but that's cause I have no self control, lol.

 

I guess my plan at this point is to just continue talking to her if she wants to, and try not too hard to pressure her to hang out (if I can control myself). I will still move forward and try to date other girls though, even though it sucks and I'd rather just hang out with her more.

 

I actually am going through the same exact scenario right now man. Only exception is that they were not married. I had that conversation as well, as I think it helped to clear the air for me. I actually told her that I liked her but since she was obviously distracted on our date, to take time to deal with her feelings for her ex. I also explained that it was definitely misleading to talk to me for a few months, know how I was feeling, and even more so know how she was feeling but say nothing until I pried it from her. Nevertheless, I told her to keep in contact but let's be honest that won't happen. We have not talked or anything for a few days, which is fine. I think that going No contact and giving her space is the best and only option for you bro. If she reaches out...fine, but keep conversation short (which is what I plan to do). No need to get hurt twice by having deep,extended conversations with someone who is obviously somewhere else. Writing this post is actually helping me as well to reinforce the fact that yea it sucks, but it would suck worse to be in a long-term relationship with this person and have them breakup with you because of these feelings were never dealt with. Stay strong bro, and know you're not alone in dealing with this. Hopefully this helps and thanks for helping me. Sometimes writing thoughts down is the best way to reinforce them and follow through!

 

Thanks man. It always helps to hear that others are going through the same thing. And writing it out definitely helps too!

[Natsu21]

She isn't confused. Not in the sense of attraction. She's confused as she is having trouble choosing between security and what she's attracted to.

She's attracted to her husband more than you. But you're the more secure choice. Make like a banana and split.

 

Make her choice very clear.

[ExpatInItaly]

She isn't ready for anything serious. If you continue to see her, you will likely continue to deal with this push-pull game. I'd wish her luck and keep moving. Meet other women. There are plenty out there who don't have ex-husbands stil in the picture.

[Assasda]

Thank you all for your replies. So another twist in the story... She texted me again today, so we talked for a little bit. I did hint to her that she would have to come see me to find out about something we talk about, but that's cause I have no self control, lol.

 

I guess my plan at this point is to just continue talking to her if she wants to, and try not too hard to pressure her to hang out (if I can control myself). I will still move forward and try to date other girls though, even though it sucks and I'd rather just hang out with her more.

 

 

 

Thanks man. It always helps to hear that others are going through the same thing. And writing it out definitely helps too!

 

I think you got it down man.

You know where you went wrong in your post. You know what to do.

Trust your gut and keep doing what youre doing.

 

You might have to see other women, if she keeps saying she needs time and stuff like that.

[Yookie]

You're the rebound. Be wary! She's not over the last relationship yet so definitely not ready for a new one.

[TheyAreMakingMeCrazy]

You're the rebound. Be wary! She's not over the last relationship yet so definitely not ready for a new one.

 

Well normally I would agree with you. But she has actually been in a relationship since she has been divorced. So I'm not sure exactly what is going on.

[Gaeta]

She is nothing but a waste of your time.

 

She is not ready to be in an exclusive relationship, she's out to shop. Stay away from 'confused' people. If she is still actively online it means you did not capture her attention. When we meet someone and they catch our interest we have no desire to go browse online. Trust me, I am a serial dater, I met 3 different men in the past 5 days and one of them really caught my attention so this morning I hide my profile. When the guy is nice but doesn't grab my curiosity I am back on there scheduling other dates.

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

Just the way you have been so boyish in expectations and planning... No woman would want to be with someone your age and maturity. Not saying your immature, just you are not seeing her needs as clearly as you think.

 

She knows you are interested, but also knows you will not meet her needs. She does not need to take care of a teenager, so man up or you'll be wasting both your time. I am sure she will not get hurt, as women with child will always look out for themselves first. Do you know enough to really be part of her life??? I have not seen much from you, and you cannot be here for every moment of question, else she might as well be here having her relationship with us.

[isisisweeping]

Thank you all for your replies. So another twist in the story... She texted me again today, so we talked for a little bit. I did hint to her that she would have to come see me to find out about something we talk about, but that's cause I have no self control, lol.

 

I guess my plan at this point is to just continue talking to her if she wants to, and try not too hard to pressure her to hang out (if I can control myself). I will still move forward and try to date other girls though, even though it sucks and I'd rather just hang out with her more.

!

 

 

BE CAREFUL.

Been there, and I have to say there's risk of continuing to talk to her if you really dig her - one in that even if you make yourself go out you won't give other people legitimate chances... the back of your mind will still be thinking... well as soon as she gets this sorted out

 

Also, the temptation to talk to her more and to invite her out will be strong because you want to get to know her more and be with her and that's going to push her more and more away if she's really going through issues.

 

If you're anything like me anyways. I have been here and I am thinking saying "not right now" is something I'm never going to say to someone again even though I know I have before. Even recently. But this post reminded me what it feels like. At least no not right now with contact after until right now is now.

[longjohn]

If I where the OP I'd dump her right now. Ex's will ruin things in relationships if they are allowed to linger. Sounds like she's not over her ex. I'd take that as a sign to move on from that woman and find one ready for a relationship.

[TheyAreMakingMeCrazy]

If I where the OP I'd dump her right now. Ex's will ruin things in relationships if they are allowed to linger. Sounds like she's not over her ex. I'd take that as a sign to move on from that woman and find one ready for a relationship.

 

There's obviously something with the ex, but I don't know what, I didn't want to pry into that far. But I don't think dumping her is the answer (although we aren't at the point where I can dump her, but I get your point, lol). I like her more than any girl I've gone out with in a while, we have a lot in common, we get a long great, and never run out of things to talk about (which is surprising because I'm not a big talker). HOWEVER, I'm still going to pursue other girls for now, but I plan on leaving the line of communication open.

 

A side note about the ex, they have known each other since they were about 14 and were married for 10+ years. I don't really know any other details other than that.

[TheyAreMakingMeCrazy]

Just thought I'd update you guys with today's events.... I didn't hear anything since yesterday afternoon, but she texted me today to say hi.

 

I also noticed she took her profile down...

[TheyAreMakingMeCrazy]

So another question for you guys. She is still texting me everyday, but now I have a date on friday with someone else. I'm pretty sure she'll end up asking me what I'm doing that night, but I'm not sure what to say. I don't like to lie, so I'll probably tell her I have a date. I was thinking this could help the situation anyway by pushing her in one direction or the other. Or am I better off if I don't tell her about the date?