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How many are honestly comfortable with this???


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You meet someone, and they right off the bat tell you that they are still friends with all their exes i.e. that they still hangout with them, talk/text them, care for them e.g. buy stuff for them on b'days/xmas/etc?

 

This is not a case of jealousy here...and this is not a personal scenario that am talking about here, this is just a hypothetical question.

 

Am sure many have seen profiles that say "am still friends with my ex, if you have a problem, then move on".

 

Personally, I don't really care for this arrangement, especially if the ex is one that they use to bang, had a history with.

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Am sure many have seen profiles that say "am still friends with my ex, if you have a problem, then move on".

 

Yes, I've seen this. And I've moved on.

 

Not for me. Might work for others, but not for Fondue.

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Won't deal with an ex in someone's life. It is bad enough figuring out issues, but to have one linger around like a dark cloud over head just waiting to down poor. Not for me!

 

All my EX's are gone, just because if you can't deal with them being together, then how are you going to deal with them in a new relationship. To me that is uneven for your mate, unless they bring their EX and make it a party.

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Definately a no go, I find it unattractive, and view it as a contingency plan. Vulnerability and investment are factors to a relationship, I view it as a fishing line not a net.

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Ninjainpajamas

Never had a problem with the friends with an ex thing myself, depending on the level/boundaries.

 

I'm just someone who feels strongly about the fact that if she's interested in her ex's or going back with them, then there's the door, don't let me stop you and I wouldn't try.

 

But friends with ALL ex's and they buy her gifts/things and all kinds of crap all the time...definitely raising a flag.

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I don't prefer it but do realize that the scenario may be different depending on the maturity of the people involved.

 

I've seen instances where it wasn't a problem, then instances where one party very clearly still wanted the other.

 

It's personally not something I engage in, exes are removed from my social circle. You wanna cheat on me and leave me for someone else, but still wanna be friends because you think I'm a great person? No way. Goodbye!

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evanescentworld

I'd be worried if they were not talking to any of their exes except one....

 

Talking to all of them wouldn't be the problem...That 'one' may be an issue.

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I definitely think it depends on the level of "friend" they are.

 

If that just means they remain cordial and not wanting to murder one another, I don't think there's anything wrong with that. In fact, I think it shows a high level maturity.

 

If they're actually friends, as in they actively hang out like normal friends do, I think you're entering into dangerous territory.

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It never bothered me at all. I am friends with some of my exes, so it seems natural to me. It's a matter of their integrity and boundaries.

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Hmmmm.....I always thought once you said goodbye to a place, you don't return there?

 

You can say goodbye to a relationship, and hello to a friendship.

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Michelle ma Belle
Never had a problem with the friends with an ex thing myself, depending on the level/boundaries.

 

I'm just someone who feels strongly about the fact that if she's interested in her ex's or going back with them, then there's the door, don't let me stop you and I wouldn't try.

 

But friends with ALL ex's and they buy her gifts/things and all kinds of crap all the time...definitely raising a flag.

 

I agree with this post.

 

I am on good terms with all my ex's and a few are what I would consider dear friends (and that includes my ex husband) but there are DEFINITE boundaries set in place with ALL of them regardless if I'm in a relationship with someone else or not.

 

I don't have any issues with being friends with ex's and in fact, I think that is most admirable PROVIDED there is a line drawn in the sand. Anyone who feels differently often are wrestling with their own insecurities. And that is YOUR issue alone.

 

At the end of the day, if you're with a stand up guy/girl you shouldn't have to worry about their ex's or anyone else for that matter because they will prove their feelings in the way they treat you and make you a priority. Transparency in all things is typically abundant and they will automatically set boundaries with people in order to preserve the integrity of a budding new relationship.

 

If not, throw their ass to the curb and move on. Easy peasey lemon squeezy :)

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I think it can depend on the circumstances. I've had some pretty cloistered social circles where it got pretty incestual with the circle holding together for a number of years, enough that a lot of people dated each other and cross-pollinated. Now these circles like this are great and they usually end up with sort of their own unspoken rules and interlopers who come in and disrespect will be silently frozen out. These are happy and supportive people who may move on to another person but always hold the last one in high esteem for life and might not be in close contact in later years but could be counted on in a tragedy or whatever.

 

But when you're in a situation like that, you know it. It's different than being with a person who is actively pursuing some other guy to get back together with them. I had a kind of relationship in my group and even though because of some problems of his it wasn't a real gf/bf relationship, we had a lot of time in together and his close friends (band mates) would treat me a certain way because they knew the odd bond was existent. Then once they knew it was broken, whether I did it or he did, there were a new set of unspoken rules. I could tell whether I was in or out depending on how they were acting toward me. He disappeared and wasn't coming around (I had no phone so no keeping up with anyone). I ran into him with a woman who I knew vaguely and was friendly with and found out he'd been living with her and her extraordinarily good cooking for awhile. After running into each other and that coming out in the open, she and I met up for a drink and had a very civilized conversation about him and what was going on with him and her and him and me and decades later when he came to town, we all went to dinner with her and her family. It was never anything adversarial. It was just like adding an extended family member.

 

It's not like I don't have jealously though, but I do best inside of these insular groups where I know all the players and can't stand if a man runs off with some little random trifling ho.

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You can say goodbye to a relationship, and hello to a friendship.

 

 

How are you defining "friendship", and does it come with benefits? I am cordial with my ex because we have a child to raise together. I can't see myself sitting down to have tea with her, texting her randomly or going to her place when it has nothing to do with her child.

 

Oh...and it was me that ended the relationship by the way, and she hates me for it. I had to do what I did for my own well being and sanity

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I think it can depend on the circumstances. I've had some pretty cloistered social circles where it got pretty incestual with the circle holding together for a number of years, enough that a lot of people dated each other and cross-pollinated. Now these circles like this are great and they usually end up with sort of their own unspoken rules and interlopers who come in and disrespect will be silently frozen out. These are happy and supportive people who may move on to another person but always hold the last one in high esteem for life and might not be in close contact in later years but could be counted on in a tragedy or whatever.

 

But when you're in a situation like that, you know it. It's different than being with a person who is actively pursuing some other guy to get back together with them. I had a kind of relationship in my group and even though because of some problems of his it wasn't a real gf/bf relationship, we had a lot of time in together and his close friends (band mates) would treat me a certain way because they knew the odd bond was existent. Then once they knew it was broken, whether I did it or he did, there were a new set of unspoken rules. I could tell whether I was in or out depending on how they were acting toward me. He disappeared and wasn't coming around (I had no phone so no keeping up with anyone). I ran into him with a woman who I knew vaguely and was friendly with and found out he'd been living with her and her extraordinarily good cooking for awhile. After running into each other and that coming out in the open, she and I met up for a drink and had a very civilized conversation about him and what was going on with him and her and him and me and decades later when he came to town, we all went to dinner with her and her family. It was never anything adversarial. It was just like adding an extended family member.

 

It's not like I don't have jealously though, but I do best inside of these insular groups where I know all the players and can't stand if a man runs off with some little random trifling ho.

 

I believe in some "circles", this is referred to as a cult.

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IMO, if they are doing stuff with an ex in private and/or doing things with their ex that they should be doing with you (i.e. going to the movies, eating out, etc.) then launch...I mean, what's the point of a bf/gf if you are spending private time with ex "friends"?

 

There's nothing wrong with being "friendly", like if you see them walking down the street you say "Hi" and may even have small casual chat with them. But, again, when they are going out of their way to do things with the ex (especially one-on-one w/o you present), remembering their B-day, Xmas, etc....Then something's wrong.

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This is not really a one-size-fits-all issue, as it depends on the nature of the friendship.

 

If someone feels the need to state that they're friends with an ex in their dating profile, that's a red flag on its own.

 

Cordiality between exes is fine. Being best buddies is odd, because in my experience there's always one who is more invested than the other. And someone who has only mean things to say about their exes is also a red flag.

 

For my own part, I have exes for whom I genuinely have no feeling and the depth of that "friendship" is such that we just check in with each other occasionally, be it through social media or hanging out as part of a larger group.

 

My more serious relationships, either me or the guy were hurt, so we left each other alone.

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I wouldn't be okay. Hell, I've been a spectator when a friend of mine stayed friends with his ex, still had contact, had him telling her how he actually hates his GF for months and then is finally invited over to cheat together.

 

 

If they live in the past, I can't have a future with them.

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buy stuff for them on b'days/xmas/etc?

 

I'm generally okay with people keeping in contact with exes as acquaintances or hanging out with groups where their ex is present, but this is way overboard IMO. I would definitely not be okay with this.

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I am very comfortable with this. I take it somewhat as a good sign. Exes are not a threat to me. There's a reason they are exes.

 

 

If their behavior shows they are still interested elsewhere or are not respecting boundaries, that behavior is the issue and would be an issue with an ex or anybody else just the same.

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I am very comfortable with this. I take it somewhat as a good sign. Exes are not a threat to me. There's a reason they are exes.

 

 

If their behavior shows they are still interested elsewhere or are not respecting boundaries, that behavior is the issue and would be an issue with an ex or anybody else just the same.

 

 

This is just it, some people end suffering a set back, and end up spontaneously in the heat of the moment bang their ex just because of some reminiscence crap.

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How are you defining "friendship", and does it come with benefits? I am cordial with my ex because we have a child to raise together. I can't see myself sitting down to have tea with her, texting her randomly or going to her place when it has nothing to do with her child.

 

Oh...and it was me that ended the relationship by the way, and she hates me for it. I had to do what I did for my own well being and sanity

 

Platonically. There may be exceptions, as there was one ex whose friendship included benefits, and my wife was and is fine with that! When I met my wife, she was still house-sharing with a recent ex-bf. Not a problem, and 15 years later he's still my friend, too.

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