Can anyone rationalise this?

[quidproquo89]

Hey guys, some dating questions again

 

pleasant responses please

 

If you decide to go on a date with someone after you've learnt that you have a lot in common with them, and you both chat quite easily with each other. Both asking questions, sharing views and having a fluent conversation.

 

Why would you not give that person a second date?

 

Dated from an online site, so you already know what they look like - so they are good looking enough to date, right? Conversation is fluent enough, so you can tell they are not a bore, right?

 

So why would you not let them prove themselves on a second date?

 

I find second dates are more important than first ones. You get rid of all the nerves, you both relax and you get past all the cliche questions and conversation. Second dates are crucial, so why would you not allow someone the chance to get to a second date with you, even though you are alike, share interests with, physical attraction is enough to go with and convo was fluent. This chemistry and spark idea, who has that on a first date? You met someone, you dont know so any chemistry you have with them is always going to be limited, so I dont know why people put so much of an important emphasise on them.

 

People trip on their words or sometimes there point trails off, because of the first dates are awkward, not because they are a half wit bore. So why when you have the basic connection with somebody like being able to fluently speak with them and sharing interests, thinking there good looking enough - why dont people allow the person at least a number of dates before deciding if they are really for them. For example I personally don't feel comfortable with a new person until I've been around the a few times. Do you see what I'm getting at? How can you really know unless you give someone an adequate chance?

 

Spark and chemistry I feel comes over time. So the only thing that remains is physical attraction - but you both must have felt there was enough there to agree to a date in the first place, right?

 

Sorry guys n girls, I'm not ranting or angry - just trying to work out some answers

Edited September 20, 2014 by quidproquo89
made a mistake typing

[quidproquo89]

I see dating like an ocean, you can't see the entirety of it in one glance.

 

So why not dive a little deeper into a second and third date before you decide you want to get out.

 

What ever made you agree to one date should be enough reason to go on 2 or 3 before deciding about somebody

 

does anyone agree with that logic?

[Jules Dash]

The thing is that you can't rationalize this.many folks just need to feel that chemistry and tingling feeling inside right away.

 

Don't waste your time trying to rationalize mutual/sexual attraction. It just goes beyond rationalization such as the concept of love. If you try not to think too logical about it, you will save yourself a whole lot of headache.

[Fondue]

Just because you connect well, does not mean you connected with the person right for you.

 

Think of it as friends.

 

I'm sure you have met some amazing people and made some great friends of the opposite gender. But why are you not dating them? Because you don't want to.

 

It's the same thing.

 

It doesn't necessarily have to be a looks thing, either.

[GemmaUK]

If I am not 'feeling it' I won't meet him again.

 

I can have a good first meet up but figure he will always only be a friend and no more.

 

Us ladies get criticized a lot for going on several dates to see if someone 'grows' on us. When he doesn't we hit a problem and we are a b****.

 

Therefore we either naturally make or 'have' to make a quick decision..

[Ninjainpajamas]

I want to change this reply, damn

[happykat]

I agree OP - second dates are more important. I have a 2 date rule. Normally when I find that that I'm not attracted to someone right off the bat I will try one more time if they are smart/funny/nice - because sometimes people become more attractive to you once you get to know them better. But I have to admit more often than not, if there's no "spark" to begin with, it doesn't come later - whatever that natural attraction spark is, it can't be forced. The one time I did refuse a second date though was a guy with a missing front tooth..

 

And there's also a possibility that you look a lot different than your pics? I never post pics that are SUPER good of me lol.. I mean, I use decent pics that show I look presentable, I don't use old pics or glamour shots with tons of makeup on- I would never want my date to be disappointed in the "real life" me.. Men tell me that a lot of women post pics of themselves 15 years and 25 lbs ago..

[quidproquo89]

these are all good points. See am not hugely social - the attraction I get to people is always physical. Then if I get along with them I want to start a relationship with them, simple idea.

 

I dont get that you can like how someone looks, get on with them but not want a relationship. Perhaps I'm just made froma different mold. I see them, I'm attracted to them if they have a good personality I want a relationship with them.

[quidproquo89]

I agree OP - second dates are more important. I have a 2 date rule. Normally when I find that that I'm not attracted to someone right off the bat I will try one more time if they are smart/funny/nice - because sometimes people become more attractive to you once you get to know them better. But I have to admit more often than not, if there's no "spark" to begin with, it doesn't come later - whatever that natural attraction spark is, it can't be forced. The one time I did refuse a second date though was a guy with a missing front tooth..

 

And there's also a possibility that you look a lot different than your pics? I never post pics that are SUPER good of me lol.. I mean, I use decent pics that show I look presentable, I don't use old pics or glamour shots with tons of makeup on- I would never want my date to be disappointed in the "real life" me.. Men tell me that a lot of women post pics of themselves 15 years and 25 lbs ago..

 

I posted a number of pics on there so you can get the general idea of what I look like and height and weight.

[quidproquo89]

as i posted on a different thread, the ultimate reason i was given for being rejected was that the age gap was a problem - she is 30 and i'm 25. I'm disappointed, because I put a lot of thought and effort in to get rejected by when I was born as opposed to anything I have control over.

 

I told her that I wanted to settle down with someone too but she said marriage and house buying is too much heaviness for someone my age. I would have prefered to have been given the chance to prove myself rather than have what I want andf what I can do told to me.

 

Also she knew how old I was before she came on the date.

 

I'm so bitterly disappointed that this didnt workout. You know when everything seems to match up, I thought it had and depsite only having one meeting. I was very chuffed with her to the extent where I would have done anything to get her. Only to be told I'm too young .

 

I reponded as I said with, I'm mature and I want the same things as you - a serious relationship. But her mind was already made up. She offered me friendship which I accepted. But I still just want to tell her, persuade her that she isnt just going to be dumped at the stage she is thinking of marriage. I would marry the right person in a couple of years if the time came.

 

I've been on dates where I have got along with girls, but never have I had so much in common or wanted to be involved in all the things she wanted to do as I did with this girl. I really want to tell her that- but it would probably annoy her and make her never speak to me again.

 

Its going to be difficult settling for friendship in this case. I dont have many female friends, as I'm usually only attracted to them romantically and for friendship. Never just friendship.

 

Ha ha I'm ranting but I think strongly about this and I wanted to put my point acros, even if its on here.