Relationship growing pains

[married2school]

Hi guys. I have occasionally asked for advice here before and have appreciated all of the responses and opinions.

 

I am in medical school and have been dating another medical student for eleven months now. I am 24, and he is 34. Over the past few weeks, we have had some rough days. I want to keep this as short as possible so I won't go into too many detailed stories. I feel I have matured a lot while dating him. My communication is better than in past relationships, and I feel I have a genuine interest in working issues out as opposed to simply arguing and fighting as I did in past relationships. He has a life coach, and this summer I started seeing a therapist which our medical school supplies us for free (med school can be rough, guys). I was speaking with her today, and essentially, she said his philosophy on life sounded very selfish. He is a little eccentric for a medical student, a bit of a hippie. He is very big into the law of attraction and the documentary the Secret. I agree with a lot of the concepts in things like this because I strongly believe positive thinking can take people a long way. That's not the issue. He seems to use this and other things to construct this life philosophy that consists of, "If you are bothered by something I do, you have power to control the fact that it bothers or offends you, and I don't have to do anything about it." It isn't something that is true ALL of the time. He has no issue with apologizing when he believes he has gone too far with something.

 

A very simple short story to illustrate how things have been going: We went to a mall to look at the new iPhone 6 last week, and it wasn't there yet. We ate lunch, and I asked if it was alright if we went in a store I wanted to before getting back to studying. He agreed. When we got in this store, he said he wanted to sit down. I was slightly offended because it mattered to me to be there with him, and I only planned on being there for ten minutes (and I was actually only there for ten minutes - I'm not a huge shopping fan). When leaving he walked far ahead of me, and upon opening the door he said it was cold and drizzling and was going to the car. A family was a few feet away, and I wanted to hold the door. I looked and he was rounding the corner towards the parking lot. Once we got in the car, I was honest and said I wished he would have waited on me. It led to an argument about how he was clear with his intentions, and I had no reason to be offended, how I was being manipulative, etc.

 

There are multiple stories like this one. Snappy comments. I bring up they are hurtful, I get made into the bad guy, I apologize for being too sensitive. It often feels as if I am being held to his extreme life ideology, but when he cannot follow it himself and gets called out for it, well, of course it is never his fault.

 

Now no one is perfect, and I am definitely not. But I am working on anxiety and sensitivity and have matured a ton in this relationship. I am friends with an ex who has seen this growth and commented on it as well. My boyfriend has his redeeming qualities (or I wouldn't be putting up with this bull**** or trying to work towards a solution). At this point though, I am at a loss for how to go about doing anything without having the same things happen all over again. My therapist has mentioned us coming to a session together, and since he is very pro-therapy, I don't think it is something he will have a difficult time agreeing to.

 

Thoughts and opinions?

[Assasda]

I dont know what you want from him?

Your BF sounds normal to me.

 

Maybe you are too sensitive

[married2school]

I guess my point is that he sometimes wants to be negative, blow-up, etc. without acting like there are consequences. Yet on the flip side of the coin, if I barely criticize someone, comment negatively, I am told I am being judgmental or am in the wrong. He can dish it out, but he often can't take it. His phone's LTE was messing up a couple of weeks ago, and we were at my house. I share wifi with my downstairs neighbors, and I hadn't given him the password since I moved into this new house. I didn't happen to have it written down, but it was in a Facebook conversation with my neighbor. I got out of bed to get my own phone, and when I took too long to find the message, he proceeded to get out of bed, yell about his phone and me not giving him the password yet and walked out downstairs towards the door to leave. In the process of all of this, at first I tried to say calm down, I almost found it, we can get this working, etc. Eventually, I just said, "You're being ridiculous."

 

My point is, for someone who ascribes to a life philosophy of "I only control my thoughts and reactions. I can't control other people's decisions. I need to choose positive things that have a positive affect on my life, blah blah blah" - he can hold other people to it and expect them to apologize for their behavior, but he often cannot follow it himself. It's hypocritical. Everyone should be allowed some imperfection.

 

Edit: This all precipitated today in a blood draw lab where we partnered up to draw each others blood. He did not know how to tie the tourniquet, and every time someone came to show him. He untied it to try it himself. That's fine. As a fellow med student, I understand wanting to get it down. This happened four separate times though, and my arm was beginning to bruise and turn blue. I have difficult to find veins, and when he stuck me and didn't see any blood in the tube, he proceeded to push it in deeper. I told him it didn't feel right, and I thought we needed to try again in a different spot. He was angry I had criticized him and told me to "Please just be quiet." We tried another time, and then another arm. When he struggled to tie the tourniquet on the other arm, I started feeling like I was going to pass out (many of my classmates were also laying in the floor for similar reasons), and I told him I needed to get on the ground. On the way back to our cars, I apologized for criticizing and told him I realized that may have made him more nervous, and he was fine the rest of the day. But, I was being poked with a needle by someone who had never poked needles before. If it doesn't feel right and is painful, I think I have the right to bring that up. I would expect him to act similarly.

Edited September 19, 2014 by married2school

[Diezel]

Did you thinking about this start AFTER you went to the therapist?

[married2school]

That's actually a really good question.

 

Not really? We both seem to be at each other's throats more lately. It has happened in the past at times as well. I don't think I am noticing it more (if that's what you mean), but instead giving myself more respect and valuing my own feelings on the issue and making those a priority? I am a people pleaser by nature. It's something I am trying to work on, and that and anxiety is a big reason I decided to start seeing one of the therapist our medical school provides. My bf had actually encouraged me to do it because he knew I couldn't afford meeting with his life coach.

 

I spoke with a mutual friend last night on the issue, and she referenced a particular situation that happened at school and commented that he had acted like a bit of a jerk. There are far too many times in those situations where I take on a role of defusing and apologizing and attempting to calm him down.

 

To me, I feel he has an increasing desire to control. I suggested watching The Secret after a rough day because I knew he liked it and I hadn't seen it. I agree with a lot of the principles in the documentary and want to start implementing parts of that into my life. But ever since we watched it, he has increased his level of criticism when I am not adhering to that philosophy. He also wanted us to watch a YouTube video on emotional freedom technique (EFT) or tapping. I obliged. I have no problem seeing what he is interested in, learning about it, etc. But when I refused to do the technique with the video, he became extremely frustrated. I proceeded to explain why I didn't want to and that my tools I had learned in therapy to work on my anxiety were sufficient for me, I felt they were backed by scientific evidence, and that is what I felt most comfortable doing. He has stated before that he doesn't want me to do something just because he is doing it. It does not seem to match the way he has been acting lately. For instance, we were grocery shopping together a few weeks ago. The previous weekend we had watched the new documentary Fed Up that talks about processed foods, sugar, etc. I opened the freezer for a bottle of orange juice, and he scoffed, "Did we even watch the same documentary?" (This also happened when I grabbed for some coffee creamer.) I just don't feel it is fair to expect the other person to live and act exactly how you want to live and act - especially if you often fail to adhere to your own life philosophy you are measuring them by.