Question about how I behave during disagreements

[Fondue]

I don't really have fights with my girlfriend. We don't ever yell at each other. No craziness. It is usually one of us misunderstanding the other, then getting upset, and followed by calmly talking it over several days later. It is resolved very peacefully and that's that.

 

The thing is, I have always dealt with issues, personal and interpersonal, by myself. I have to first resolve them in MY head before I can discuss it with the other person. That's how I am. I do so calmly and logically. I spend a few days contemplating, understanding where the issue was, and then "fixing" it. At that point, I am ready to discuss whatever it was and be done with it.

 

My girlfriend is understanding and will give me the time to get my thoughts straight. While she understands my method of dealing with issues, she hints that she prefers to "talk" about them sooner/quicker when the problem arises. But she also respects my way of doing things.

 

But things are about to change. I am moving in with her within the month.

 

Before, we just wouldn't see each other for a few days. We kept our contact quite limited and formal, and then setup a date to meet again and discuss whatever.

 

What do you guys think is acceptable once I move in with her? I honestly don't know. I am THINKING that maybe if similar issues occur, I would end up getting a hotel room for a night or two and do what I did previously. Is that alright? Or maybe at least leave the apartment for a while and come back later in the night and hopefully I am ready to talk. That's my struggle right now. I deal with things my way, and my way always works. It works well. I just don't know what's considered okay once you're living with someone.

 

Any advice would be appreciated.

Edited September 18, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Added title and moved post from a different topic

[heartshaped]

Realistically speaking, I don't know how well that will work when living together, but I guess that all depends on your girlfriend and I think it's something you should talk about first.

 

I had an exbf like you that preferred to settle things in his own head before talking about them. Before we moved in together that was fine with me, but afterwards, it was just a horse of a different color. Imagine having a disagreement with someone or even a misunderstanding and that person leaving.

 

Even if he told me the reason why and that he'd been back later, I was just left there feeling mostly abandoned. In time, to me, it began to feel like he ran from our issues rather than faced them even though he'd be more than willing to talk things out once he wasn't upset anymore. In the end, this became one of the larger reasons we separated. We had completely different methods of working things out. I didn't want to drag things on for days and to him, he needed that time to think things out.

[Ruby Slippers]

I can't imagine it would give me a good feeling if my "he bear" left his "she bear" alone in the "cave" overnight because he needed time alone to sort out his thoughts.

 

But I think it's perfectly reasonable, if you have a disagreement, to tell your girlfriend that you don't want to talk about it right away, you need a few days to think about it, and then you'll be ready to talk. Also fine if you spend more time than usual in your "man cave" following a disagreement. I also prefer to take time to myself after disagreements to let things settle in my mind before making any decisions. As long as you can be loving and affectionate while you're thinking things over, hopefully she'll accommodate your preference.

[cif]

Unlike you guys, my husband and i do have loud fights..not often but when they do occur he'll leave to give me/us time to decompress. I do agree that it's better to be silent than to say things you'll regret. Kind of like mini-NC.

[mightycpa]

Uh, no. That's not alright. You need to learn how to either process your thoughts more quickly, or to talk them out with a partner. Learning to fight in good faith is a valuable relationship skill.

 

One day, you're going to grow up and get married and have kids. Walking out, even temporarily, is not going to be a treasured quality that you bring to the table. It's time to learn a new way.

[SugarAngel]

Uh, no. That's not alright. You need to learn how to either process your thoughts more quickly, or to talk them out with a partner. Learning to fight in good faith is a valuable relationship skill.

 

One day, you're going to grow up and get married and have kids. Walking out, even temporarily, is not going to be a treasured quality that you bring to the table. It's time to learn a new way.

 

Amen.

 

As a transition phase. Learn to tell her you're upset and going to take a walk for thirty minutes to think things through. Then you will talk to her about it.

 

Once things enter into "days" measurement of not talking after an argument it's not functional. It's sulking and avoiding resolution. Totally not cool to freeze someone you love and live with out for days.

 

I get that it's one thing to say learn to process stuff quicker and another to actually know how to do it - that's why Google exists. There's plenty of decent constructive arguing and resolution in relationships stuff out there. Time to get started.

[Emilia]

I think taking a few hours off, going for a walk or just to be somewhere else is absolutely fine but staying out overnight would be a no for me. When there is a fight and the other person leaves, I feel abandoned. It's not something that is conducive to intimacy and resolution.

 

OP, why is it that you need time away? Do you feel uncomfortable with anger?

[Diezel]

I know a lot of people might not agree with me...

 

But sometimes I had more success with dealing with problems when we "slept on it" rather than try to resolve it the same night.

 

I lived with someone and sometimes in order to try to resolve an issue before the end of the night, we'd go around in circles. Sometimes all we needed was to just take a few hours, maybe even overnight and then talk about it the next day.

 

I wouldn't wait a whole week or even leave, to be honest, but sometimes after a long, frustrating day at work, you come home, by the time you sit down, it's 7 PM, something happens, argument ensues... last thing you want to do is still be up at 12 AM arguing about it and the next day you are even crankier for it.

 

I get that people want you to process things faster, and although I somewhat agree, sometimes in the heat of the moment, thoughts can't come clearly. I am one of those people. I get defensive and blurt out stuff that I IMMEDIATELY regret. After a while, she learned to back down a while and let me go into my corner and just let it dissipate... go take a long, hot shower... go for a walk.

 

It'll take time, but you'll have to figure out a "new method".

[Emilia]

I think resolving something fully can take a long while, depending on the problem but acknowledging the issue can be done quickly. The feeling of abandonment comes from a cut off from communication. I suppose I don't understand why complete silence is necessary. I don't think I could live with that, personally.

[Fondue]

Hi everyone! Thanks for the replies.

 

I actually didn't realize this was a thread of it's own. I originally posted this as a reply in another thread and it got moved, I suppose.

 

I think taking a few hours off, going for a walk or just to be somewhere else is absolutely fine but staying out overnight would be a no for me. When there is a fight and the other person leaves, I feel abandoned. It's not something that is conducive to intimacy and resolution.

 

OP, why is it that you need time away? Do you feel uncomfortable with anger?

Part of the reason is that yes, I am uncomfortable with anger. I also don't like people/someone seeing me when I am not stable/logical/cool+collected. I like to be a very level-headed person. Typically, I am very polite and calm. But if I am upset, I can't maintain that same calmness.

 

I would never, ever, shout at anyone or dare be physical, but I don't feel comfortable not being completely "cool."

 

When I take that little "break" from a person, I am able to collect my thoughts. Understand WHY I am upset, and also (try to) understand why the other person might be upset. Before we even talk, I already know what the conversation will be about. I already know what I'm going to say. And I already know what 90% of what they're going to say.

 

Just as a little note about what she does, at our first disagreement, my gf didn't really know how to verbalize her issue/feelings well enough, so I encouraged her to start writing down "thoughts" before we "talk things over." So that's what she has been doing every time. Before we talk, she has a page worth of jotted notes that she would consult while talking to help express herself. This has been working well with me being able to understand her.

 

I know a lot of people might not agree with me...

 

But sometimes I had more success with dealing with problems when we "slept on it" rather than try to resolve it the same night.

 

I lived with someone and sometimes in order to try to resolve an issue before the end of the night, we'd go around in circles. Sometimes all we needed was to just take a few hours, maybe even overnight and then talk about it the next day.

 

I wouldn't wait a whole week or even leave, to be honest, but sometimes after a long, frustrating day at work, you come home, by the time you sit down, it's 7 PM, something happens, argument ensues... last thing you want to do is still be up at 12 AM arguing about it and the next day you are even crankier for it.

 

I get that people want you to process things faster, and although I somewhat agree, sometimes in the heat of the moment, thoughts can't come clearly. I am one of those people. I get defensive and blurt out stuff that I IMMEDIATELY regret. After a while, she learned to back down a while and let me go into my corner and just let it dissipate... go take a long, hot shower... go for a walk.

 

It'll take time, but you'll have to figure out a "new method".

 

I've tried this once with her. We got into a disagreement in the evening time and went to sleep on it. It wasn't a big issue at all, but I think it made it worse.

 

She DID feel "abandoned" that night because I didn't hold her in my sleep or any of that shenanigans. She told me later that she felt much more disconnected that night.

 

Uh, no. That's not alright. You need to learn how to either process your thoughts more quickly, or to talk them out with a partner. Learning to fight in good faith is a valuable relationship skill.

 

One day, you're going to grow up and get married and have kids. Walking out, even temporarily, is not going to be a treasured quality that you bring to the table. It's time to learn a new way.

 

Those were my exact thoughts, actually. That was part of the reason why I asked this question in the first place. I don't know if it's feasible for me to do what I do if there is a "family" involved.

Edited September 19, 2014 by Fondue

[evanescentworld]

If you manage to get hold of a copy of 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus' you will see that this attitude and response is absolutely typical of most men, (retreating into the mental 'man-cave') while your GF's attitude and response is absolutely typical of most women (I need to talk this over, NOW!).

 

Wiile I think the book has been criticised, and may even have been discredited in parts, I personally found some aspects of it both useful and helpful, and many opinions in it, were credible and noteworthy.

 

I would recommend you read the book, if only to extract things which resonate with you.

[Emilia]

I would never, ever, shout at anyone or dare be physical, but I don't feel comfortable not being completely "cool."

Are your parents quite strict?

[veggirl]

My bf is similar, though not as extreme. I do think a few days to think it over is extreme, unless it was a huge disagreement. It honestly has taken me a long while to not be offended when my bf is basically like "I need to be alone, please don't talk to me for a while" when we have an argument, but eventually...finally...I realized that his reaction isn't about ME, it's about him and in the end, giving him that space (a few hours, NOT DAYS) is the most helpful solution. He, in turn, understands that "some space" doesn't mean "as long as you need, however long that may be" because THAT doesn't work for ME. It's a compromise. He gets a few hours for him and then we talk for me.

 

You need to compromise on this.

[Fondue]

If you manage to get hold of a copy of 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus' you will see that this attitude and response is absolutely typical of most men, (retreating into the mental 'man-cave') while your GF's attitude and response is absolutely typical of most women (I need to talk this over, NOW!).

 

Wiile I think the book has been criticised, and may even have been discredited in parts, I personally found some aspects of it both useful and helpful, and many opinions in it, were credible and noteworthy.

 

I would recommend you read the book, if only to extract things which resonate with you.

 

Ooh, that actually makes me feel a bit better about myself. Hah.

 

I've heard of this book, but I definitely never read it.

 

I'm gonna look into it after work! Thanks for the advice !

 

Are your parents quite strict?

 

Yes, I'd say they're much stricter than most. But that was only up until I graduated college. After I got a good job, it went the opposite direction. I attribute their "strictness" to us(the kids) becoming successful.

[evanescentworld]

I would also suggest that the interpretation of the word 'strict' varies from person to person, and personal experience.

 

I have seen 'strict' bring out the most distressing traits and extreme behaviour. I have also seen 'strict' applied as a loving restraint out of concern and a good education...

 

I have however, rarely seen either form ("good" or "bad") being perpetuated by the next generation, after having been subjected to it themselves.

[Emilia]

Yes, I'd say they're much stricter than most. But that was only up until I graduated college. After I got a good job, it went the opposite direction. I attribute their "strictness" to us(the kids) becoming successful.

Sure but I believe it's also true that people raised by very strict parents tend to be less comfortable with expressing emotions because it was often disapproved of at home. This isn't a good thing. Something to bear in mind I think when it comes to adult interpersonal relationships, I had to learn this too.

[mightycpa]

Hi everyone! Thanks for the replies.

Hi Fondue, you're welcome!

 

Part of the reason is that yes, I am uncomfortable with anger. I also don't like people/someone seeing me when I am not stable/logical/cool+collected. I like to be a very level-headed person. Typically, I am very polite and calm. But if I am upset, I can't maintain that same calmness.

Welcome to the human race. There are only a special few who seem to thrive on feeling this way. But I'd have to say that venting anger is a healthy response to feeling anger. The alternative would seem to be to repress it, which is generally accepted to be unhealthy.

 

When I take that little "break" from a person, I am able to collect my thoughts. Understand WHY I am upset, and also (try to) understand why the other person might be upset. Before we even talk, I already know what the conversation will be about. I already know what I'm going to say. And I already know what 90% of what they're going to say.

A little break is fine. The extended break that you described is really the issue. I have to believe that you can already find some common threads in your history of thought collection. Anger is almost always about an action or outcome that is beyond your control. It may emanate from fear or competitiveness. You also judge the action or thought to be unjustifiable. Ultimately, you decide to forgive, mitigate, correct or prevent whatever happened. Typically, you try to exert control by creating some kind of "rule" to prevent the same thing from happening again. Sometimes, you're so disappointed that you hold a grudge.

 

What I'm saying is that your previous experience can serve as a template for future anger resolution. Your intellect simply needs to co-exist with your emotion, and you should try to get comfortable with expressing extreme displeasure. Your own kids will be great to help you with that, because they constantly make mistakes and/or defy you.

 

Just as a little note about what she does, at our first disagreement, my gf didn't really know how to verbalize her issue/feelings well enough, so I encouraged her to start writing down "thoughts" before we "talk things over."

That's good. You should review those notes to find her template. It may help you find yours. All you really have to do is find enough intimacy to express how you feel without attacking. That unjustifiable feeling is the part that compels you to attack, and makes for hard feelings, as in:

 

HOW COULD YOU BE THAT _____________ !?!?!

 

(STUPID, THOUGHTLESS, CARELESS etc. Take your pick.)

Amirite? So, sometimes you have to say that a little differently. Sometimes, you just say it. Sometimes it's true.

 

The whole go to sleep while angry thing? Unavoidable. Stay together long enough and it will happen. Acknowledge this as a real possibility before it happens, and it won't feel quite as serious. Same thing with yelling or "getting some air".

 

I don't know if it's feasible for me to do what I do if there is a "family" involved.

Yes you do. It isn't. You know it.

 

Thank you for posing your question. It is an interesting topic, and a breath of fresh air from the usual things we read about here.

[acrosstheuniverse]

I would say that leaving for a hotel room for a night or two would a) escalate any argument into a full-blown 'he walked out' argument and b) cost a lot of money, when cohabiting couples do regularly have disagreements.

 

I think you can compromise here. Does the flat have a spare room? Maybe try and make that room a comfortable place to hang out in. For example we have a spare room, at the moment it's full of junk but once that's sorted (just moved in together) I'd love to have a nice cosy chair in there or a bed so it's another place to hang out. We don't really argue or need time apart but if either of us were into the being apart after a disagreement thing it'd be ideal to maybe spend a night just sleeping in separate bedrooms.

 

But no, I don't think you can expect anyone to be okay with you walking out for a day or two. Go for a long walk, yes, but when you live together there's a level of intimacy that suggests people are able to talk things through and reach a resolution, and even if they can't, they can still tolerate being around one another. For me, if one of us walked out to a hotel, it would scream 'I can't stand being around my partner right now' and I would feel really upset and hurt if my partner did it, because when you're in love you're supposed to still be able to be around your significant other even if there are disagreements. Maybe an hour or two to cool off, but to be unable to physically sleep under the same roof seems extreme.

 

It sounds like you're concerned about how to act and deal with conflict when you have nowhere to escape to. It's scary, especially for introverts, is this co-habiting thing. Try and make a space in the apartment where you can go and be alone if you need to be.

[serial muse]

I agree with those who've said that asking for some time to think by yourself is perfectly reasonable, even if it means sleeping on the issue, but leaving for the night is really not.

 

Since your GF has already made a strong effort to communicate with you in a way in which you're more comfortable, it does seem like you should be willing to make an equal effort to accommodate her. I think you can do it, but it will certainly require some adjustment period. But as long as you're aware of that, and she is too, and you're genuinely trying to find a way you can both be comfortable, then yes, it's possible to make that change.

[Els]

I agree with the others - I think in principle going away for a while to calm down and sort things out in your head is okay, but your length of time is concerning. A few hours is fine - a few days seems excessive.

 

Why don't you talk to your gf and see what she thinks about a potential compromise?

[Joaquin]

I would say that leaving the house or "shutting down"for a few days following an argument is essentially manipulation, and totally not right, especially when living with someone.

 

As in, if you piss me off I'll walk. See stuff my way or I'll leave you until you do. You might think your compromising but maybe she is just agreeing to get you back onside.

 

One day she will might choose to walk and then you'll see how that feels.

[Fondue]

Why don't you talk to your gf and see what she thinks about a potential compromise?

 

I was considering this, but I have to figure out a way to bring it up. I think it's a bit of an awkward thing to ask outright.

 

Besides, we're 3000 miles apart right now. I would prefer to discuss it face to face (not Skype). I was there when I was helping her move from NYC to LA two weeks ago. I'll be going there again in 2 more weeks and hopefully permanently this time. If this next trip is not my permanent one, maybe I will bring it up then.

 

 

I would say that leaving the house or "shutting down"for a few days following an argument is essentially manipulation, and totally not right, especially when living with someone.

 

As in, if you piss me off I'll walk. See stuff my way or I'll leave you until you do. You might think your compromising but maybe she is just agreeing to get you back onside.

 

One day she will might choose to walk and then you'll see how that feels.

I'm not manipulating anyone, though.

 

It is not some silly power tactic, or whatever. It's really just a way for me process my thoughts. I see what you're saying, but it's really not what my intentions are.

 

I think you can compromise here. Does the flat have a spare room? Maybe try and make that room a comfortable place to hang out in. For example we have a spare room, at the moment it's full of junk but once that's sorted (just moved in together) I'd love to have a nice cosy chair in there or a bed so it's another place to hang out. We don't really argue or need time apart but if either of us were into the being apart after a disagreement thing it'd be ideal to maybe spend a night just sleeping in separate bedrooms.

I really, really like this idea. I was already going to get an apartment with a spare bedroom for multi-purposes, but now this solidifies it. Thank you. I think this'll work.

 

That's totally cool, right? If I need some time to myself, I can retreat to this man-cave and process my stuff. No?

[iiiii]

 

 

I really, really like this idea. I was already going to get an apartment with a spare bedroom for multi-purposes, but now this solidifies it. Thank you. I think this'll work.

 

That's totally cool, right? If I need some time to myself, I can retreat to this man-cave and process my stuff. No?

 

I think it's an awesome idea, too.

 

I also think that it's really important to think about HOW you leave after an argument. If you take your leave by saying "sweetie, I still love you, and we will work this out, but right I need some time to process this - I am going to go out but I will be back tomorrow morning, and you can get me on my cell phone if there is an emergency" then that is OK.

 

Whereas storming out leaving your girlfriend wondering when you will be back or if you still love her at all is manipulative and not OK.

[acrosstheuniverse]

I really, really like this idea. I was already going to get an apartment with a spare bedroom for multi-purposes, but now this solidifies it. Thank you. I think this'll work.

 

That's totally cool, right? If I need some time to myself, I can retreat to this man-cave and process my stuff. No?

 

Of course it is, everyone needs some space. It's difficult sharing a house with somebody even when things are going great! We moved in together a month ago (although we were spending every night together since about March) and our flat is tiny. One of the things I love most about this relationship is that I can chill with him and feel as comfortable and myself as if I was alone. Some people feel the need to be 'on' around their partner because they're not fully relaxed but I love that I can fully relax around him. We haven't really argued yet but the odd heated disagreement we've had has resulted usually in my going into another room to get some space.

 

Just be honest with your girlfriend, try not to storm off. Tell her 'I'm just going to go and chill alone for a little bit but I'll be back through soon. I love you and we will sort this out, I just need a little space'. I assume she already knows about this facet of your character before you move in?

[Fondue]

Just be honest with your girlfriend, try not to storm off. Tell her 'I'm just going to go and chill alone for a little bit but I'll be back through soon. I love you and we will sort this out, I just need a little space'. I assume she already knows about this facet of your character before you move in?

She actually does know. She learned this pretty quickly about me.

 

Now whenever we do have a disagreement, she kind of says, "I know you need a little time to process these things. Let me know when you're ready to talk to me about it." I know she's very considerate and will give me as much time as I need, but I know that she prefers to get things out of the way quicker. She had hinted at this several times.

 

I think she feels disconnected when I am processing things. At least, she tells me she does. I have to be clearer about telling her that I still care about her and that I just need some thinking time.

 

Thanks again for your suggestions.