Is he starting to act weird? Or am I overreacting?

[MissTrudy]

In my last post about my bf, I expressed some concern that the way he celebrated my birthday seemed like an afterthought, especially in comparison to how he celebrated his female friend's birthday. Well I stepped back from the situation and realized I was making a big deal out of something and let it go. I didn't tell him how I felt or anything like that because I realized I was being ungrateful of what he did do and we did have a great time. As far as I know, he doesn't know that I was upset at any point.

 

I wish I could say that things have gotten better, but they haven't really. He has been distant lately.

 

On Saturday I took him out on a date and when we started talking about this upcoming weekend, he made it sound like he was going to be super busy and not able to see me. Which is fine, I understand that he's busy and can't hang out all of the time. But it was weird because we had been planning to go to this once a year event that's happening this coming weekend, and we had talked about it for weeks, but apparently now he doesn't want to go. Or can't go, I don't know because he didn't offer an explanation. Up until Saturday he was super excited about it, as was I.

 

I am also bummed because I only have two more weeks with him before I go on a 90 day trip abroad. I'm going to see him for a few days in the middle of my trip, when he's backpacking through, but regardless, you'd think that he'd want to spend as much time with me as possible right? That's what I thought at least. The only thing I know for sure that's going on with him this upcoming weekend is he's going to a dinner party his friend (the girl I was talking about last time) is hosting that I was also invited to.

 

The other night when we were talking, I said "btw I miss you!" and he stopped responding. Haven't heard anything since. He's not one to text much, but he always responds to my texts, and I've texted him before to tell him that I miss him so it's not like me saying something along those lines is out of the blue.

 

Is this strange, or is it just me? I know he's busy at work but I am starting to feel like he's neglecting our relationship, now that we've been together for a decent amount of time, and it's frustrating because I am still putting in effort to see him, talk to him, etc. My frustration with his silence is both magnified and put into perspective by the fact that I know he is on the quiet side and doesn't express his emotions verbally; he's the kind of guy who will give you a one worded answer no matter what type of question you pose and I've heard this from both his family and his friends. I feel like he has opened up to me, and usually I don't have a problem getting anything out of him, but this is just feeling weird. I'm starting to feel taken for granted, or that he's losing interest, and I am considering throwing in the towel which is a shame because I really do care about him and I think he has strong feelings for me too. Or at least I thought that he did.

 

How can I approach a conversation about this in a diplomatic, non-accusatory way? I really don't want to break up with him but I do want a boyfriend who wants to spend time with me again!

[IttyBittyKitty]

I'm so sorry hun but it sounds as if he's losing interest in your relationship. If it was me I'd back off for a while and see if he came after me and if he didn't id first ask him about it and then end the relationship unless he's willing to put the work in.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you have a reason to be concerned. Based on what you described, he seems to be pulling back.

 

But I'm curious as to why you didn't ask him about his change of plans event you had decided to attend together. Why didn't you find out what that was about? And how long has it been since you last heard from him? Those things don't sound like someone who is actively interested in maintaining a healthy relationship.

 

For what it's worth, I also think you were right to be uneasy about him prioritizing his female friend over you. That's not a good sign.

Edited September 18, 2014 by ExpatInItaly

[Diezel]

So at what point are you going to start communicating how you are feeling?

 

The tone seems to be the same in both threads... you are just bottling all this stuff in. You two need to have a conversation... yesterday.

[Emilia]

I am also bummed because I only have two more weeks with him before I go on a 90 day trip abroad. I'm going to see him for a few days in the middle of my trip, when he's backpacking through, but regardless, you'd think that he'd want to spend as much time with me as possible right? That's what I thought at least. The only thing I know for sure that's going on with him this upcoming weekend is he's going to a dinner party his friend (the girl I was talking about last time) is hosting that I was also invited to.

 

The other night when we were talking, I said "btw I miss you!" and he stopped responding. Haven't heard anything since. He's not one to text much, but he always responds to my texts, and I've texted him before to tell him that I miss him so it's not like me saying something along those lines is out of the blue.

 

Is this strange, or is it just me? I know he's busy at work but I am starting to feel like he's neglecting our relationship, now that we've been together for a decent amount of time, and it's frustrating because I am still putting in effort to see him, talk to him, etc. My frustration with his silence is both magnified and put into perspective by the fact that I know he is on the quiet side and doesn't express his emotions verbally; he's the kind of guy who will give you a one worded answer no matter what type of question you pose and I've heard this from both his family and his friends. I feel like he has opened up to me, and usually I don't have a problem getting anything out of him, but this is just feeling weird. I'm starting to feel taken for granted, or that he's losing interest, and I am considering throwing in the towel which is a shame because I really do care about him and I think he has strong feelings for me too. Or at least I thought that he did.

 

How can I approach a conversation about this in a diplomatic, non-accusatory way? I really don't want to break up with him but I do want a boyfriend who wants to spend time with me again!

In my experience men like your boyfriend will pull back when separation for a while is iminent. It's the nature of quieter people, they tend to turn inward when there is a problem that they feel is out of their control.

 

The others could be right too of course that he is losing interest but it's also possible that this is to do with your 3 months separation. I would just come out with it and ask in person or over the phone (not by text).

[Leigh 87]

Umm.

 

 

You texted " I miss you".

 

He ignored it. He stopped responding.

 

This, in the context of everything else he has done.....

 

Trust me, he is just not that into you.

 

 

 

 

 

I am sorry you are upset. It would be really awful to be in your position.

 

Sometimes we have to let go of the people we love.

 

Or else, he will let you go once his female friend makes a pass at him and tells him that she has always liked him and wants to be with him.

 

This is SERIOUS. Do NOT ignore this or sweep it under the rug.....

 

 

 

 

The way you feel right now, about your boyfriend? You CAN find a man who feels the same way about you. And it will feel so much better than you are currently feeling.

 

 

 

 

Just admit it to yourself. This is now way to live.

 

 

 

 

Waiting and wondering if your bf " likes his friend more than he likes you"

 

 

 

Really? Come on. You are not clueless. You know deep down that this guy is not the one for you.

[Mascara]

In my experience men like your boyfriend will pull back when separation for a while is iminent. It's the nature of quieter people, they tend to turn inward when there is a problem that they feel is out of their control.

 

The others could be right too of course that he is losing interest but it's also possible that this is to do with your 3 months separation. I would just come out with it and ask in person or over the phone (not by text).

 

This. It's dawning on him that he's going to be single but in a relationship for 3 months. He probably has conflicting views on that.

[Fondue]

In my experience men like your boyfriend will pull back when separation for a while is iminent. It's the nature of quieter people, they tend to turn inward when there is a problem that they feel is out of their control.

 

The others could be right too of course that he is losing interest but it's also possible that this is to do with your 3 months separation. I would just come out with it and ask in person or over the phone (not by text).

 

That's it. Those were my exact thoughts when I read this thread.

 

I am going through something similar, actually.

[mightycpa]

In my experience men like your boyfriend will pull back when separation for a while is iminent. It's the nature of quieter people, they tend to turn inward when there is a problem that they feel is out of their control.

 

The others could be right too of course that he is losing interest but it's also possible that this is to do with your 3 months separation. I would just come out with it and ask in person or over the phone (not by text).

 

This could be it.. some immaturity coupled with an inability to understand his own feelings topped with the inability to talk about it, expressing itself as apparent disinterest.

 

Inside, he could be mad at you for leaving, and could be "reflecting" your imminent abandonment of him right back at you. How does it feel? That could be it.

 

Or, maybe he's just done with you, and the trip seems like a good time to break it off, and he's prepping you with a fade...

 

You can either wait two weeks to figure it out, or you can talk to him in person, maybe start it out with

I'm getting the feeling that you're going to break up with me before I leave on my trip.

and see where that goes.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

He's not into you and he's waiting for you to leave to break up. Hell, he'll probably use the trip as an excuse. If he were committed, 90 days would would no big deal. But he's not that interested at all and is trying to signal that in a cowardly fashion rather than say so.

 

You should should dumped him after he ignored "I miss you". Who does that? What a jerk! Break up with him before you have to suffer suffer the indignity of being dumped by this prick.

[MissTrudy]

A point of clarification about my trip, since this seems to be the general opinion everyone has on that:

 

He's not into you and he's waiting for you to leave to break up. Hell, he'll probably use the trip as an excuse. If he were committed, 90 days would would no big deal. But he's not that interested at all and is trying to signal that in a cowardly fashion rather than say so.

 

You should should dumped him after he ignored "I miss you". Who does that? What a jerk! Break up with him before you have to suffer suffer the indignity of being dumped by this prick.

 

This entire time, he's been the one saying 90 days is no big deal (I've been the one freaking out, but mostly silently). He, who is not really good at communicating, has already checked (like 10 times) that I will have a phone, have internet, and can skype/gchat while I am there. More importantly, he has also purchased plane tickets to come visit me during my trip and I had absolutely nothing to do with him purchasing the tickets...he was the one to suggest buying tickets and ask if he could visit me. I didn't tell him he should come visit me. I repeat, I didn't tell him or even suggest that he should come visit me (I'm happy he's coming though). He's looked more into things we can do while we're there than I have (I'm going there to work). So yeah, there's always a chance he might break up with me, but I honestly doubt it because of the time and monetary investment he has made and also the emotional investment; even though he does seem like he pulls away I know he constantly talks about me and all of his family, friends, etc know these little things about me that I thought he had forgotten. He is more of a listener and not a talker. He doesn't talk about his feelings (I went out with him and his parents once when he was a bit stressed about work that day and when they asked him what was going on he evaded the question. It took us all a day of prodding to get him to open up). So I am inclined to align myself with Emilia's perspective. I haven't thought about it that way, so thanks.

 

He might have something for this girl, but I doubt it. She's been planning this party for months and we both know that, plus like I said before, she is one of his best friends, so it would be weird if he didn't go. Plus, I am going too. The weird thing is that he doesn't want to do the other stuff we planned. I am guessing it's because he has been super busy lately. Which gets to this point:

 

So at what point are you going to start communicating how you are feeling?

 

The tone seems to be the same in both threads... you are just bottling all this stuff in. You two need to have a conversation... yesterday.

 

This is very true. I am pretty bad at communicating myself. I guess I am just afraid of getting emotional and having it blow up in my face.

 

I know that it sounds like I am trying to justify his behavior. Believe me that is not my intention. I don't think he is a bad guy and I know he would never do anything intentionally to hurt me, he's just kind of clueless. We're talking again now (though he never addressed my last text, maybe it was just awkward for him? who knows) and I guess I am starting to pull away too because I feel him pulling away. I need to nip it in the bud and just have an honest conversation when I see him next.

[Crila16]

Yeah...he's pulling away. Don't know exactly why, because I don't know him or your relationship. It could be loss of interest, new interest in another woman, stress in his life, uncertainty if you're the one. Your guess is as good as mine. He's the only one that knows.

 

Anyway...it's natural to want to confront and talk to him about it...but honestly, the best thing you could do is to just back off. If you start pursuing him harder, because you're afraid you're losing him...he's going to pull back even more. If you ask him if he's losing interest, it's almost like putting the idea/realization in his head...kind of like the power of suggestion.

 

Let it be and stop contacting him first. If he contacts you, fine...then contact him back but keep it short. He will then eventually open up to you to talk.

[MissTrudy]

Let it be and stop contacting him first. If he contacts you, fine...then contact him back but keep it short. He will then eventually open up to you to talk.

 

This is kind of what I've been doing. I want to talk to him about where we stand but you're right, I have to approach it carefully.

 

Also, I forgot to mention this before (for what it's worth), that this isn't the first time I'm going on a long trip abroad while dating him. this will be the longest trip but it isn't the first. and he knew this one was going to happen before we became exclusive. it could be buyer's remorse but i doubt it

[Demonica]

Im going through the same thing as well. difference is that we're long distance (im in BC and hes in Alberta) and we barely talk cuz he doesnt make time. According to him we shouldnt have to talk everyday. I will be dumping my bf, i advise you to do the same.

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

No, no, no DO NOT push him on this, he is losing interest and you need to back off... turn the tables around x

[preraph]

He's got one foot out the door.