A few dating questions.... age gaps and first date chemistry?

[quidproquo89]

So could I have some kind pointers here and some real in depth thoughts. Please no negative responses as this is a tender topic to me

 

A number of questions really that I have been thinking about.

 

Do you think an age gap of 6 years is a big deal if the man is say 25 and the girl 31?

 

Do you make up your mind about somebody simply after one date? Would you reject them if there isnt an immediate spark even if you know they are a good person, hard working and with so much in common with you, interests and outlook.

 

I'm asking this because I met a girl from online dating who said she was shy, nervous and looking for someone special. We met chatted for hours and then she texted a couple of days later rejecting me. She said the age was a problem and she is looking into marriage and house buying and i'm too young for that. I responded saying im looking for a serious relationship and I'm mature and talked about how things could work. She said again its her age.

 

I wouldnt go on a date with someone in the first place if it were me, the facts were there in front of her.

 

I feel I come out of my shell more as I get to know someone. Which makes me feel bad, because if she is truthfully rejecting me coz of there being no spark rather than age then I feel things would drastically improve once we got to know each other better. I dont think six years is a big deal. And I wouldnt give up on somebody straight away bearing in mind our similar personalities. We like the same songs, films, tv shows, video games. Both very animal welfare orientated. Both shy and introvert, neither are big drinkers and it sounded like we were on the same page.

 

I know it was only one date, but i could see much further than that and I'm disapointed that she couldnt. What is 6 years if you are alike? And how much can you really know after one date? A date that we spent chatting easily tghe whole time. We both asked questions, shared the odd joke and both smiled a lot.

 

I cant fathom how dating works if you are so alike with somebody and yet it wont go any further?

[deathandtaxes]

That age difference is no problem at all. I think she's just using it as an excuse.

 

 

I really, REALLY, don't think you can exclude people out of hand after just one quick date without being superficial. I think way too many people are looking for that instant 'spark'. If they weren't attracted to you, why would they go out in the first place? I will always give a lady a second chance if the first wasn't the greatest. You never know what's going on with people on a first date/meeting. But I think women have been conditioned to believe that there must be the almighty spark to continue something. I am guessing the lady you met didn't feel that 'spark' and so throws out age as her rationale.

[oldshirt]

 

Do you think an age gap of 6 years is a big deal if the man is say 25 and the girl 31?

 

 

yeah it really can be. Depending on the individuals, there can be a huge difference in life-experience, personal and financial stability and life-goals between a 31 year old woman and a 25 year old man. If a 31 year old woman is serious about marriage/home/family, her window of opportunity is closing rapidly and she doesn't have time to play around and just have fun anymore. In her case, instant chemistry and comparability is critical and similar likes in music and animals isn't going to cut it.

 

I think she was being lenient by chatting with you and meeting you at all. I'm not saying that as a bad thing. A 22 year old woman may think you are a fine catch. More 31 year old women won't.

 

 

 

 

Do you make up your mind about somebody simply after one date? Would you reject them if there isnt an immediate spark even if you know they are a good person, hard working and with so much in common with you, interests and outlook.

 

 

a 31 year woman serious about marriage will, yes. See above.

 

Also realise any woman under 200lbs that's not otherwise deformed or disfigured gets dozens if not even hundreds of messages and offers on online dating sites A DAY. A woman over 200 lbs will only get 75.

 

She has a deep pool of potential suitors to interview if any particular one doesn't meet all her criteria. Now that doesn't mean that her criteria isn't as unrealistic as a man on the moon and it doesn't mean that 95 % of the people that write her aren't total crackpots. But in her mind she has 99 more guys to go through on her computer when she gets back home.

 

I'm asking this because I met a girl from online dating who said she was shy, nervous and looking for someone special. We met chatted for hours and then she texted a couple of days later rejecting me. She said the age was a problem and she is looking into marriage and house buying and i'm too young for that. I responded saying im looking for a serious relationship and I'm mature and talked about how things could work.

 

i have the feeling you are a rational, by-the-numbers kind of guy. Here's something you need to learn. When it comes to dating, relationships, sexuality etc, women aren't rational and by-the-numbers. If you are trying to convince someone why they should go out with you by using logic and facts, you have already lost the battle long long ago. Attraction is a feeling and it is not a choice and it doesn't respond to logic or facts. You have to make women "feel" attracted to you in order for them to be attracted to you. She didn't feel it so nothing you can say or argue will make any difference in the outcome.

 

 

She said again its her age.

 

it's really that she didn't feel the chemistry and is using the age difference as a way to let you down easy and as a convenient excuse. However the age difference may be a big part of the lack of chemistry equation so it's not like she is actually BS ing you.

 

I wouldnt go on a date with someone in the first place if it were me, the facts were there in front of her.

 

she's not you. Get over that ASAP.

 

I feel I come out of my shell more as I get to know someone. Which makes me feel bad, because if she is truthfully rejecting me coz of there being no spark rather than age then I feel things would drastically improve once we got to know each other better.

 

 

I'm guessing you have been raised up to believe women value you things like responsibility, stability, successfulness, kindness etc. In many ways that is correct but people don't notice those things and won't take the time to get to know you unless they feel a sense of sexual/romantic attraction and chemistry first. Once you make their Jay-Jay tingle and they feel a rush of attraction, then they start to notice and appreciate those other traits.

 

I dont think six years is a big deal.

 

doesn't matter if you don't, she does.

 

And I wouldnt give up on somebody straight away bearing in mind our similar personalities.

 

you would if you found that person fat and ugly. Attraction has to come first. That's how we are wired as a species. If you are having trouble getting women to notice and appreciate your positive traits, you aren't attracting them sexually. Learn what attracts women sexually and develop those traits in yourself and then they will notice and appreciate your other good traits.

 

Let me put it this way, do you think she would go out with Adam Levine even if she were 6 years older than him???

 

We like the same songs, films, tv shows, video games. Both very animal welfare orientated. Both shy and introvert, neither are big drinkers and it sounded like we were on the same page.

 

i know a million fat, ugly chicks that don't wash their hair very and are covered in zits that are the exact same way and love the same things. Would you like me to set you up with one of them??? Attraction first my friend. Shared love of puppys comes second.

 

I know it was only one date, but i could see much further than that and I'm disapointed that she couldnt. What is 6 years if you are alike? And how much can you really know after one date? A date that we spent chatting easily tghe whole time. We both asked questions, shared the odd joke and both smiled a lot.

 

she rejected her image of you, not the real you.

 

I cant fathom how dating works if you are so alike with somebody and yet it wont go any further?

 

i get the feeling you haven't dated much and are seeing women as a very mysterious and scarce resource. They are actually fairly simple once you know what traits attract them and how to flip those switches. And with the except of the country of China, they actually outnumber men in total numbers. They are not scarce. You just need to get out and start dating more

 

I've been rejected by many women who love the same things as me and I have rejected many women who love the same things as me. People are people and aren't really all that much different from each other. Attraction and chemistry are the wild cards that make our special someone special. Learn how those things work and the rest falls in to place.

 

 

See my responses above

Edited September 17, 2014 by oldshirt

[MissBee]

There are no guarantees in dating.

 

There has to be something there making the two people want to know more and making them want to continue seeing each other, that's how romance and dating generally work. Sometimes commonalities or similar interests on paper are not enough if when you meet you just don't feel comfortable with them, aren't attracted or don't feel that feeling of wanting more. For things to work both people have to feel it's worth a shot, not just one of them. Dating isn't just about being a match on paper but also about how the person makes you feel. On paper I am probably a match for a lot of men and them me but paper and real life and your feelings and emotions and the circumstances that create a romantic relationship are not one and the same.

 

It's not anything you can negotiate with the person about and you shouldn't want to IMO. The goal of dating is to find someone who is on the same page as you, that is, a woman who is not only a match on paper but also in terms of your feelings about each other, it's such that you are both interested in knowing more after the first date. You have to be able to take rejections in stride in the dating world. It happens to the best of us and IMO when it happens early on when you don't know them well it's a lot easier than if you invest in a relationship with them and are told later.

 

 

If a man feels I'm not a good match for him...I'll trust him on that. I see no point in trying to convince him otherwise or sell myself to him. If after meeting me and having a date he just has no interest in more, I can respect that and will move on gracefully knowing we were not a match where it counted. While it may sting if I like him, I'd rather move on and find a man who can't wait to see me again and is dying to hang out and know more rather than stick around with one who is meh about me or who I have to persuade into wanting more.

[BlueIris]

Do you think an age gap of 6 years is a big deal if the man is say 25 and the girl 31?

 

No, I don’t. Some do, especially if the woman is older.

 

Do you make up your mind about somebody simply after one date?

 

If someone is physically unappealing, has an offensive personality or has a situation in his life that I do not want to deal with (ex. ongoing high-conflict divorce, small children, etc), I decide not to see him again after only one date. Otherwise, I’ll have a few more dates.

I wouldn’t go on a date with someone in the first place if it were me, the facts were there in front of her.

 

I wouldn’t have either. But some people go on dates for entertainment- just to date and get out, not with the intention of finding a partner- or go on many first dates and suspend judgment until meeting, rather than eliminate prospects before meeting them. So, keep that in mind while dating. There are lots of different approaches and styles of dating.

[d0nnivain]

I'm a fairly rational by the numbers woman but when it comes to dating, logic is not the 1st thought.

 

If there wasn't chemistry there for me on the 1st date, especially an OLD meeting, there wouldn't be 2nd date. I don't believe in stringing people along. I have always been a good judge of character & can see past nervousness but if the zing was absent, there is no 2nd chance.

 

She's using the age thing as an excuse but at 31 I'm not sure I could have dated a 25 year old, even a mature one. My husband is 5 years younger than me. We met when we were ages 34 & 39. It still freaked me out & I had a mini melt down about it on one of our early dates (maybe date 10; we'd known each other for about 3 weeks).

[StanMusial]

Whether or not it's fair, she probably just doesn't take you too seriously... you would be better off dating someone in the 21 - 25 y/o range.

[quidproquo89]

thanks everyone for your detailed and pleasant responses

[quidproquo89]

the only thing that bugs me now; that obviously I can't change, is that with all the work I've been doing (a lot of it stressful) has made me a bit of a stick in the mud recently. Whereas earlier in the year, I was having fun with my mates and hitting the gym. It made me feel hugely confident and happy. I feel a lifestyle change is in order too. Coz I'm working four jobs on 6 days.

 

Really annoyed, I feel I could have done better. I felt I was put in a sense of calm by her before the date. She said she was nervous, and a dork in real life. And when I got there she was quite the opposite. I feel a bit tricked also.

 

Ha ha, sorry a bit of venting at what I feel was a good chance missed

[Diezel]

You are probably better off.

Trust me, she's 31 and if she is serious about getting her life moving along, you would have been married and with kids in less than four years.

 

Something tells me you are not ready for all of that.

[oldshirt]

Just get out and meet other women and go on dates. Once you have gone out with 10 other women, you'll barely remember this one and if she does cross your mind, it won't have any emotional impact any more.

[quidproquo89]

You are probably better off.

Trust me, she's 31 and if she is serious about getting her life moving along, you would have been married and with kids in less than four years.

 

Something tells me you are not ready for all of that.

 

I might surprise you, I am pretty well set up in other departments of my life. The right woman to settle down with is the final piece. I haven't had much luck, in that department hence why I'm talking to you fine people .

 

Anyway enough said, thanks for your input. I guess we can close the book on this one

[BluEyeL]

I wouldn't date a younger man for marriage. Now the age gap is not that relevant, but when you're 45, she'll be 51 and that's going to be quite visible.

 

It's not a large age gap, but it's a bit high for a woman, it would be a bit high for me. I think she went out with you out of curiosity and to buy time to make the decision and of course if she were wildly attracted to you, she would have thrown all other rules away, but she didn't.

[mightycpa]

I'm asking this because I met a girl from online dating who said she was shy, nervous and looking for someone special. We met chatted for hours

So, did you actually MEET this person face to face? And you TALKED for hours at that meeting?

 

I'll take a stab at your questions:

 

Do you think an age gap of 6 years is a big deal if the man is say 25 and the girl 31?

 

It can be. You could be 25 going on 18, and she might be 31 going on 40. Mental age is different than physical age.

 

Do you make up your mind about somebody simply after one date?

 

I've done it before. I'm sure lots of people do.

 

 

Would you reject them if there isnt an immediate spark even if you know they are a good person, hard working and with so much in common with you, interests and outlook.

 

Maybe. Maybe that good person is naive, and hard work as a ditch digger doesn't always equal success or respect. Maybe I'm outgrowing the things we have in common, and whatever else the younger person has to offer is not enough.

 

What is 6 years if you are alike?

 

Maybe "alike" is the problem. You described her as shy and nervous. Maybe she doesn't like that about herself, and you're shy and nervous. Maybe she is looking for outgoing and bold.

 

And how much can you really know after one date?

 

You can know enough to decide you are wasting your time.

 

I cant fathom how dating works if you are so alike with somebody and yet it wont go any further?

 

Opposites attract. Sometimes people won't choose you, in fact, most of the time they won't choose you. So you ought to buck up and get used to failure and rejection. It happens, and you seem fragile in this respect. It isn't personal, even though it seems like it is. Take it with a grain of salt, because what one person rejects, another embraces. You need to find something you can embrace that will embrace you back. This wasn't it. Forget about it. Don't take it personally. Move on.

Edited September 18, 2014 by mightycpa

[quidproquo89]

Hey guys, sorry to be a sap, but I still dont know why this dating didnt work out with the woman. I feel we are so alike. We like all the same shows, films. We have the same personality. Both like other-worldy things, animals, both homebodies. I can picture us doing the same things and thinking the same way. So why was she quick to judge that I wasnt for her. I really made an effort to get to know her. I was well groomed, i asked a lot of open ended questions, I really listened, I smiled a lot, told stories and she even said herself we have a lot in common.

 

She rejected me just over a week ago and offered friendship. She has since ignored me when I messaged her asking if she would like to do something as a friend.

 

I just want to tell her all of this, that I think we are so alike and so right for each other. Has anyone ever experienced this. You have so much in common with somebody and they just so coldly push you out of their lives. I'm not a bad looking guy, she knew my age, what I looked like and she was sedning me pictures of her models and animals etc. We go on a date and its suddenly like I'm f**king Frankenstein's monster of something. I cant stand being shut out by this beautiful kindred spirit of mine. I learnt enough about her to know she is perfect for me. I'm not nuts, I've just been rejected every single time my whole life, I get stronger, wiser, smarter and better each time but they just keep on shooting me down before i even get a chance. I've had enough of this I really wanted this one for every reason that makes her individual.

 

Why couldnt she see that we are a great match. Could it really only be that she is like a 9/10 in looks and I'm like a 7. Is she that shallow? She agreed to go on a a date in the first place, so can't be that ugly. She knew my age also.

 

I just want her to know without desperation in my voice, all the reasons that I like her and I think we are right for each other

[heartshaped]

For whatever reason, she rejected you and I think you just need to accept that.

[Tayken]

Hey guys, sorry to be a sap, but I still dont know why this dating didnt work out with the woman. I feel we are so alike. We like all the same shows, films. We have the same personality. Both like other-worldy things, animals, both homebodies. I can picture us doing the same things and thinking the same way. So why was she quick to judge that I wasnt for her. I really made an effort to get to know her. I was well groomed, i asked a lot of open ended questions, I really listened, I smiled a lot, told stories and she even said herself we have a lot in common.

 

She rejected me just over a week ago and offered friendship. She has since ignored me when I messaged her asking if she would like to do something as a friend.

 

I just want to tell her all of this, that I think we are so alike and so right for each other. Has anyone ever experienced this. You have so much in common with somebody and they just so coldly push you out of their lives. I'm not a bad looking guy, she knew my age, what I looked like and she was sedning me pictures of her models and animals etc. We go on a date and its suddenly like I'm f**king Frankenstein's monster of something. I cant stand being shut out by this beautiful kindred spirit of mine. I learnt enough about her to know she is perfect for me. I'm not nuts, I've just been rejected every single time my whole life, I get stronger, wiser, smarter and better each time but they just keep on shooting me down before i even get a chance. I've had enough of this I really wanted this one for every reason that makes her individual.

 

Why couldnt she see that we are a great match. Could it really only be that she is like a 9/10 in looks and I'm like a 7. Is she that shallow? She agreed to go on a a date in the first place, so can't be that ugly. She knew my age also.

 

I just want her to know without desperation in my voice, all the reasons that I like her and I think we are right for each other

 

You are going to get yourself into a situation where it could mess up your daily rhythm and balance. The highlighted points tell me that you are fixated on this person, and you are trying to convince yourself that the stars are lined up i.e. bordering on delusional.

 

There comes a point in ones life where we have to take steps back, in order to move forward. Being rejected by someone doesn't always mean it's you...the issue might lie with them. Some people also embark on dating just to assure themselves that they are indeed all that, and once they get approached, that solidifies their thinking and you get shut out.

 

You've read here women that have admitted to spontaneously just having it off with someone because they "were vulnerable" at the time even though it wasn't deep down what they wanted.

[deathandtaxes]

Ah fun, the great offer of friendship from a lady. That's your cue to delete their number. It's just a bs offer. And do you really want to be 'just friends' with a lady that you want to date and get romantic with? NO!!

 

 

Stuff happens. People reject for a variety of reasons. Just something you have to get used to in the dating world. And usually, the other person is saving you from a lot of grief.

 

 

Don't feel bad, OP. It happens to all of us.

[quidproquo89]

i'm just having such a **** day and it would be nice if just once out of 200 attempts that this sort of thing will go in my favour finally. Feels like banging my head against a wall

[Noproblem]

6 years is no big deal at all. unless you or her make it a big deal ...

[Noproblem]

i'm just having such a **** day and it would be nice if just once out of 200 attempts that this sort of thing will go in my favour finally. Feels like banging my head against a wall

 

It's Ok

Everything will be ok

 

Don't be sad, it's not the end of the world.

 

If it's not her, there will be another, just don't lose hope.

[FitChick]

Sounds like age had nothing to do with it and there just wasn't that elusive chemistry.

[ThorntonMelon]

You said in your post you're not nuts. And I'm sure you're not. But right now - you ARE nuts.

 

No such thing as kindred spirits and connections and all that stuff in one date. Doesn't exist except on Lifetime Movies and Hollywood. And maybe those books they sell at the supermarket with Fabio on the cover.

 

I am betting you gave this vibe off on date one like you'd already figured out she was the one. And she (correctly) saw the red flags big time and ran.

 

If you don't have a therapist, get one. Start talking about how you attach and you'll be surprised once they start digging what they find. And you'll start to develop good healthy strategies to get to know people in a healthy, responsible way.

[Diezel]

Why couldnt she see that we are a great match.

 

 

Why can't YOU see that you aren't a great match?

Apparently she can.

[quidproquo89]

You said in your post you're not nuts. And I'm sure you're not. But right now - you ARE nuts.

 

No such thing as kindred spirits and connections and all that stuff in one date. Doesn't exist except on Lifetime Movies and Hollywood. And maybe those books they sell at the supermarket with Fabio on the cover.

 

I am betting you gave this vibe off on date one like you'd already figured out she was the one. And she (correctly) saw the red flags big time and ran.

 

If you don't have a therapist, get one. Start talking about how you attach and you'll be surprised once they start digging what they find. And you'll start to develop good healthy strategies to get to know people in a healthy, responsible way.

 

its all good. I was just having a bad day that day. I saw a lot in her that I wanted in a partner, unfortunately she did not. I was conversational and relaxed on the date, so no red flags. I'm not nuts, just sometimes feel down that women I like don't feel the same way. I never express desperation of neediness. I just sometimes feel that on the inside