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Emotional Rollercoaster (Updated)


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I used to be a permanent resident of The Other Woman forum, but I now I guess my issued belong here...

I had a 3,5 years long affair with a married man, very emotional and dramatic. We did break up several times and now it's the the thirt time - I initiated as a was sick of excuses, him blowing hot and cold and suspecting him in having another romantic interest... I ended it about three month ago and in the meantime I met a nice guy. There was chemistry and I decided to take a chance to build a relationship with a single man and finally forget about ex.

Things were going well, but in a way too fast... In a month he gave a me the key and introduced to his parents. He seemed to really want to settle down (he is 34 and I am almost 30), have a decent relationship and get married in the future. For me it was a bit too fast, I liked him but not yet LOVED him, though my feeling could develop. I only recognised that he is talking about his past too much, reflects things too much, sort of complains too much and has anger at women, especially his ex. He would mention her often and how much she hurt him (she was an alcoholic). He also would often say things like "I suffered a lot", I am tired of "struggling",etc. regarding all aspects of his life. It was pushing me away... We went on vacation together and things were fine, I started to develop a feeling... but when we got back - he would turn into a really grumpy and whining man again. I tried to support him the way I could, but it did not seem to work and was only getting worse. One day he was very hard on me and started squeezing me like a lemon - he was angry and had an impression that I do not show enough emotion, that I don't talk and he doesn't know me at all. I was really hurt and started crying, told him about my previous relationship and that probably I really could be a bit closed due to being hurt a lot in the past. He was happy that I "showed emotions". The next day I felt emotonally dead and hurt. I told him I need a couple of days on my own. He said the he loved and and wanted to save the relationship. After a couple of days I came over to him and he was even more grumpy than before and I again had to listen to how bad his life is, and again about his ex. She erased him from all social networks and he got mad cause "how can you just erase someone". I asked him to talk to me about this anymore and he did tha again. I felt like this type of behavior turns me off and I start comparing him to my ex - the things that were better (even though he was married), like sex for instance. He talks about it more than initiates it, we have a bit different needs and now he is just all consumed by negative staff. At the end of the day he also decided to take like a week on his own to sort out his issues.

I am totally confused - should I give it a try? Is he a righ person who is going through life crisis? what are my feelings to him and the ex? When I met my married ex I was also recovering from a past relationship - but when he walked into my life I forgot everything immediately. I feel in love. Now I feel like either I fell in not love but "like", either he is not a right person, or his actions stop my feeling from growing...

Any comments will be appreciated.

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Oh, no! I dated a man like this one briefly. Very similar. On our 5th "date", I was at his house and he started to "squeeze me like a lemon" as you say. He was long distance. My reaction to that was that I didn't cry, but I slept on the couch because it was too late to drive 4h home, and after 4h of sort of sleep, I woke up, left him a note on the table saying that this isn't working out, drove the 4h home and never spoke to him again.

 

Who the heck needs such negativity in their life? Not me. And not you. Dump him immediately. I met a wonderful man one week after dumping this loser. Plus, yours talks WAY WAY too much about his ex, moved too fast and signs are he could become abusive in the future. I'd run, I'd leave skid marks in the parking lot.

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The fact that you're even asking the question means you already have your answer...and you know it. None of us are going to convince you to stay in this unhealthy, negative relationship. You're questioning your relationship, because it's off and doesn't feel right. If you were in love and happy, you wouldn't need advice. Instead, you'd be planning a vacation with him or even your wedding.

 

I'd end this relationship sooner, rather than later. A relationship should never be forced and you should never have to convince yourself to fall in love with someone. When you find the right guy, all your walls will come down.

 

As for the married man? Stop. He's married and he's not leaving his wife. Not ever. They never do. Don't ever go back to being the other woman. Respect yourself. Let's say if you ever fall in love, got married and started a family...then you find out your husband has another woman...you wouldn't be so happy. It's devastating. I feel horribly for this guys wife. She's the victim.

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The fact that you're even asking the question means you already have your answer...and you know it. None of us are going to convince you to stay in this unhealthy, negative relationship. You're questioning your relationship, because it's off and doesn't feel right. If you were in love and happy, you wouldn't need advice. Instead, you'd be planning a vacation with him or even your wedding.

 

I'd end this relationship sooner, rather than later. A relationship should never be forced and you should never have to convince yourself to fall in love with someone. When you find the right guy, all your walls will come down.

 

As for the married man? Stop. He's married and he's not leaving his wife. Not ever. They never do. Don't ever go back to being the other woman. Respect yourself. Let's say if you ever fall in love, got married and started a family...then you find out your husband has another woman...you wouldn't be so happy. It's devastating. I feel horribly for this guys wife. She's the victim.

 

I know that things are not right at the moment. The point is that things were good, I was attracted to him a lot and we did plan our vacation and even went there. My feeling started getting deeper and I really felt right with him. The point is that now things are bad and as an involved person I might not see things objectively. I believe that if is not always the case that you immediately fall in love, sometimes emotions need time to grow, but in a proper soil. I spoke to my dad about it and his opinion is that the guy showes emotional instability that has nothing to do with my ex and I do not want to go back to Bering the other woman. At 20 I also believed that the "right guy" will show up, but at 30 I am thinking that maybe there is no perfection and you have to work on things... The question if that is the case...

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No...the guy isn't emotionally unstable. Why do people always do that...over-analyze and diagnose the person we're dating, when they're hurting us? I guess it's to make ourselves feel better and to reassure ourselves that there's nothing wrong with us...so it must be them. It's not you...that's all I know. It's possibly just you two together.

 

I'll give you an analysis...and I'm not going to spare your feelings, because I think you could do better than this guy.

 

1. I think he's not in love with you, but does like and care about you. He's also comfortable and not ready to end things with you. There's no need, because there's no one out there that peaks his interest more than you do at this time. He's still going to keep his eyes open though, just in case, so start looking for signs that he goes out without you more, wants to hang out with his friends a lot and mentions other women. Overall, his actions are not the actions of a man in love. The writing is on the wall.

 

2. He's emotionally immature.

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No...the guy isn't emotionally unstable. Why do people always do that...over-analyze and diagnose the person we're dating, when they're hurting us? I guess it's to make ourselves feel better and to reassure ourselves that there's nothing wrong with us...so it must be them. It's not you...that's all I know. It's possibly just you two together.

 

I'll give you an analysis...and I'm not going to spare your feelings, because I think you could do better than this guy.

 

1. I think he's not in love with you, but does like and care about you. He's also comfortable and not ready to end things with you. There's no need, because there's no one out there that peaks his interest more than you do at this time. He's still going to keep his eyes open though, just in case, so start looking for signs that he goes out without you more, wants to hang out with his friends a lot and mentions other women. Overall, his actions are not the actions of a man in love. The writing is on the wall.

 

2. He's emotionally immature.

 

I had a feeling that he really wants to settle down and I "match" the standard... Especially after all the "wrong" women. He sort of thinks that it is "time". He could be so depressed also cause he thinks that he is supposed to have more in life than he currently does by his age. We are both foreign in the country and he hardly has friends, so he also probably leaned on me cause I am a good listener. Bu in the meantime he said that even in his home country he doesn't have good friends! He also said that in order to become successful he needs a stable woman and a proper relationship. Which is understandable. His is very attractive, very tall and handsome, but he complained that women always used him and he should stop it. I am also not the luckiest with men though I am good-looking... I also went through difficulties. But I don't complain about this to him all the time...

Maybe he really is not in love with me, though he said the opposite. Let's see what he says after his thinking time... But when I came over last time he did not even hug me or kiss me, or seat next to me. When we went to bed he just kept on whining and telling me that everyone around are wrong people. I think he is too much into psychology as well, like when we were on vacation, he woul look at people in the canteen saying that he can tell nearly all of them are psychos. Or once I had a nightmare, woke up. He said "if you have repeated nightmares you should look into yourself and analysis why!" It drove me nuts! Everyone has nightmares at least once in a lifetime! Everyone has baggage - but not everyone is a psycho!

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I had a feeling that he really wants to settle down and I "match" the standard... Especially after all the "wrong" women. He sort of thinks that it is "time". He could be so depressed also cause he thinks that he is supposed to have more in life than he currently does by his age. We are both foreign in the country and he hardly has friends, so he also probably leaned on me cause I am a good listener. Bu in the meantime he said that even in his home country he doesn't have good friends! He also said that in order to become successful he needs a stable woman and a proper relationship. Which is understandable. His is very attractive, very tall and handsome, but he complained that women always used him and he should stop it. I am also not the luckiest with men though I am good-looking... I also went through difficulties. But I don't complain about this to him all the time...

Maybe he really is not in love with me, though he said the opposite. Let's see what he says after his thinking time... But when I came over last time he did not even hug me or kiss me, or seat next to me. When we went to bed he just kept on whining and telling me that everyone around are wrong people. I think he is too much into psychology as well, like when we were on vacation, he woul look at people in the canteen saying that he can tell nearly all of them are psychos. Or once I had a nightmare, woke up. He said "if you have repeated nightmares you should look into yourself and analysis why!" It drove me nuts! Everyone has nightmares at least once in a lifetime! Everyone has baggage - but not everyone is a psycho!

This guy has issues, he doesn't take responsibility for the problems in his life and he doesn't relate to people well, by the sound of it. Is this what you want?

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Oh sweetie you have gone running headlong into Mr Unavailable... I am so sorry... This is how I nearly ended up in an affair!

 

Get rid (after all your poor ears could do with a break). Stay single for at least 2-3 months and in that time take care of YOU! Use the time to get over MM and this guy. Wait until you feel ready and you feel more confident etc.

 

Sort out what you want and how you want your life to be and go from there. This guy could do with being single and getting over his ex rather than take out all his grievances on you all the time.

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Oh sweetie you have gone running headlong into Mr Unavailable... I am so sorry... This is how I nearly ended up in an affair!

 

Get rid (after all your poor ears could do with a break). Stay single for at least 2-3 months and in that time take care of YOU! Use the time to get over MM and this guy. Wait until you feel ready and you feel more confident etc.

 

Sort out what you want and how you want your life to be and go from there. This guy could do with being single and getting over his ex rather than take out all his grievances on you all the time.

 

And if I may add to this excellent advice, stop dating married men.

 

Can you imagine? A married man carrying on an extra-marital affair might have another love interest and blows hot and cold and has to make excuses? DUH.

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And if I may add to this excellent advice, stop dating married men.

 

Can you imagine? A married man carrying on an extra-marital affair might have another love interest and blows hot and cold and has to make excuses? DUH.

 

I did stop dating him. It is not about him exactly and his outrageous behavior. It's about me comparing him (the good about him that we USED to have, even if it was mostly about my emotions) to the new guy when things are not going right. I was not looking to date anyone after I broke it off with the married guy, BUT I met this new guy and I liked him, there was a spark, I enjoyed it. I though it could work out as we were both looking in the same direction. I also dated an alcoholic 5 years ago and I know this experience hurts. It was fun to discuss how we both had a similar experience. But I heard his whole story 5 times! And the last time I saw him he was mad the she erased him from social networks. He CONTACTED her to ask why. It looks like he is not over the issue, but I think it is more like an anger, than still loving. Maybe I am wrong. He says he loves me...

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Oh, no! I dated a man like this one briefly. Very similar. On our 5th "date", I was at his house and he started to "squeeze me like a lemon" as you say. He was long distance. My reaction to that was that I didn't cry, but I slept on the couch because it was too late to drive 4h home, and after 4h of sort of sleep, I woke up, left him a note on the table saying that this isn't working out, drove the 4h home and never spoke to him again.

 

Who the heck needs such negativity in their life? Not me. And not you. Dump him immediately. I met a wonderful man one week after dumping this loser. Plus, yours talks WAY WAY too much about his ex, moved too fast and signs are he could become abusive in the future. I'd run, I'd leave skid marks in the parking lot.

 

 

 

I agree with this!!!

 

 

OP, drop this guy like a hot potato. You don't need added confusion and negativity in your life.

 

 

Take some time for yourself before getting back into the dating game. You'll make better choices.

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I don't even know hot to tell this. i feel like this cannot happen in reality... BUT

My bf of 3 months with whom I've been on vacation and seen his very nice family... told me that ... he participated in a religeous ritual involving sacrifice (chickens) in the woods at nigh in order to put his life in order as he was recently very stressed and depressed. I was shocked... I thought it is only happening in horror movies!!!! But not in real life and not with me!!!!

He begged me to stay at his place that night but I was scared of him! I am scared of him now and I told him that he needs to go to the doctor to deal with his stress. He said he will never do this rituals again BUT I am afraid of him - what is there inside of him that brought him to the woods for the whole nigh and take part in such activities!!! And he said "you are leaving only because I had a ritual, we had such good times together!!!" But to be honest - I am afraid. I cannot stop thinking about it and I feel like it just could not have happened!!! This is a pagan cult and we are living in a 21 century!!!

We had some issues before and ... I was thinking should I stay or go... I guess it is a sign that I should go... Though I feel sorry for him. He is a very attractive guy, has a good job, a good place to live. WHY??? WHY is he is psycho????? God... unbelievable!!!

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He's an attractive guy, has a good job and a good place to live.

Thats all you like about him.

You probably should leave then.

No, I said that because he looks normal and has a good life. Why the hell does he do such kind of wild things????

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I dont think he is a psycho just for those reasons. Most of us get stressed or depressed at some point and there are a lot of religious people around.. Horror movie? I was bracing myself for nothing

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I dont think he is a psycho just for those reasons. Most of us get stressed or depressed at some point and there are a lot of religious people around.. Horror movie? I was bracing myself for nothing

 

Maybe he is not, but I am afraid of such things, I think it is wild...

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Massive red flag. Some kooky ritual that involves the killing of animals is an absolute deal breaker for me. The fact that this is his idea of a solution to dealing with stress and depression is also very concerning. In my opinion, there is a relatively high chance that he is mentally unstable.

 

Run for the hills.

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Ninjainpajamas

He might have issues, but you staying after knowing this then I'd start to question what's in your head.

 

The average sane person from the western world doesn't go out in the middle of the night to sacrifice chickens to cure depression and stress...that's obviously a ritual and I have no idea what those chickens have to do with alleviating what he's going through, he obviously believes there some other mystical "power" or force at play here and he's obviously into it enough to go out with people into the woods at night.

 

So just because he's very attractive, has a good job, and whatever else...doesn't make him Mr. Perfect..the guy has personal issues that are eventually going to overcome those positives...If I were in your shoes I'd be completely turned off, and I'd be worried about what's going on in that persons mind...which is what you can't see, those superficial qualities are only part of the picture.

 

The fact that you're considering staying for the superficial qualities leads me to believe you're being pretty superficial and seeing what you can gain out of the situation...in spite of him being a little mentally lost to say the least.

 

What do you place more value on? A woman who was wiling to stay with a man for the qualities you mentioned while knowing what's in his head would be immediately nexted in my book.

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Almond, this is exactly what I thought - that he is mentally unstable. I got scared and ran away. I was afraid for him though as he was crying and feeling so depressed even saying that he is such a looser that he should propably do smth to himself... So, I called him and sked him how he was doing.

Ninjainpajamas, I did not stay... I left and gave him back the keys. I think it is not normal what he did. I talked to him today though to make sure he was alife and did not do anything to himself. He said he spoke to his sister and she supported him a lot and that he is considering seeing a therapist to solve his issues with insecurities. And that this religeon is "history".

"The average sane person from the western world doesn't go out in the middle of the night to sacrifice chickens to cure depression and stress...that's obviously a ritual and I have no idea what those chickens have to do with alleviating what he's going through, he obviously believes there some other mystical "power" or force at play here and he's obviously into it enough to go out with people into the woods at night."

You are absolutely right. There is definitely some kind of insanity in him that brings him to the forest at night to make rituals. And he believed that it would help when he was doing this. To me - insane. And yes, it turned me off!!! When I looke at him I only see this dead chicken and crazy dancing with tam-tam in the wood. Also, when he told me about it first time he said they killed a lot of chicken. Today he said - only one. Red flag No. 2

I do not value attractiveness or whatever over "normality" and sanity. I was raised traditionally, and never had to face such kind of things in my life before - that's why I feel like in a horror movie.

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As an aside, I once met a woman who dated a man from a small African village.

 

 

People actually paid him (including Westerners) to perform a ceremony and kill chickens. He would wear he traditional garb and go to the country to do this. The irony is that he wasn't even spiritual: he did it to make money. Sad.

 

 

I think she called it animism.

 

 

Traditional African religion - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

 

It would seem that paganism, Santeria (Voodoo), and such comes from these earlier religious beliefs.

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As an aside, I once met a woman who dated a man from a small African village.

 

 

People actually paid him (including Westerners) to perform a ceremony and kill chickens. He would wear he traditional garb and go to the country to do this. The irony is that he wasn't even spiritual: he did it to make money. Sad.

 

 

I think she called it animism.

 

 

Traditional African religion - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

 

It would seem that paganism, Santeria (Voodoo), and such comes from these earlier religious beliefs.

 

This is Santeria... To make things worse, the ceremony took place the whole night in the woods.

Well, he already admitted to have issues. He will probably go to therapy. This is sad.

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