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Letting her know where I stand on fifth date: Good idea or not?


jjtr

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I made a previous thread recent but it sort of veered in a different direction and I wanted to get some more input on this specific topic.

 

I have been out with this girl four times now and we have been in communication since mid-July through OLD. Our chemistry seems great and we haven't ceased communication at all, really. Even on vacation there was at least a text a day. We haven't been sexual, but we did partake in a heated makeout session on date four.

 

Anyway, I'm a one girl at a time type of guy, but I am not sure if I should bring it up. She still logs into the OLD site (at least last I checked), but I rarely do. So, I am not positive she isn't dating others, but based on her schedule, our conversations and when during the day we communicate, I don't think she is.

 

The problem is, I'm also a guy who needs to know.

 

I have had several people tell me that I shouldn't bring it up because it shows insecurity. I have had others tell me to do it because not only does it seem like she may like that I do, but it will make me feel better/less anxious.

 

I'm sort of in a bind. I don't want her to feel pressured, but I want her to know where I am. We haven't really taken a dive into discussing what we're looking for, etc. other than in our initial emails, to which she stated something along the lines of, "this might sound forward, but a relationship, I guess."

 

I'm confident and relaxed on our dates and was thinking of just casually saying, "So hey, I know we haven't really discussed much what either of us is looking for, but I'm just going to put it out there that I'm not seeing anyone else and don't plan to while we see where this goes."

 

I feel that shows I'm interested in her and really making an effort to turn this into a relationship. Others have told me this is too soon, a sign of insecurity and will automatically net me a, "me too" response out of pity and I'll never know if she is sincere.

 

I guess I would just like some input. Should I go forth with it? If so, how should I approach it?

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I personally feel that four dates is enough time for someone to know whether to go exclusive or not.

Just ask her how she feels about the two of you. I once dated this guy for twelve weeks and we saw each other every weekend, texted all the time etc. When I eventually asked him if we were in a relationship he said no!

It was a waste of my time

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I have had several people tell me that I shouldn't bring it up because it shows insecurity.

This is the kind of thing I would expect to read on a PUA advice site.

 

If you want to date her exclusively then after 5 dates and a make-out session it is perfectly fine to say so. If she feels the same then all is good. If she feels differently then you'll probably have to think about whether you want to carry on the relationship with someone who is not as committed as you are (personally I would not). It's not about showing your insecurity, it's about asking her whether she's on the same page or not. You're seeing if she's suitable for you, not the other way around.

 

"So hey, I know we haven't really discussed much what either of us is looking for, but I'm just going to put it out there that I'm not seeing anyone else and don't plan to while we see where this goes."

Sounds good. Don't listen to any of this "showing insecurity" game playing BS. Mature adult human beings can discus these things like mature adult human beings.

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@PegNosePete

 

But he is a bit insecure.

 

"So hey, I know we haven't really discussed much what either of us is looking for, but I'm just going to put it out there that I'm not seeing anyone else and don't plan to while we see where this goes."

 

This is good, not too clingy. And after 5 dates it's not "too soon".

However, I'd wait till after you had sex. (I mean not immediately after.)

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I think what you are thinking of saying sounds great. My bf said basically the same thing to me and I was thrilled to hear it :) If she likes you, she will be excited, not freaked out.

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@PegNosePete

 

But he is a bit insecure.

 

 

 

This is good, not too clingy. And after 5 dates it's not "too soon".

However, I'd wait till after you had sex. (I mean not immediately after.)

 

Don't most women want to hear this kind of thing before having sex? At least ones that are looking for a relationship?

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I don't see anything wrong with being honest. I can only speak for one woman in saying I like directness. I would most definitely want to know I was in exclusive relationship before we got intimate.

 

If she likes you, she'll be pleased. And if she doesn't? Well, easier to move on after 4 or 5 dates isn't it?

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Exclusivity after only 4 dates? I'm sorry...I'm a girl, and that would completely freak me out. What is OLD anyway? A dating site? Do you guys live far away from each other or close by? If you're close by, why only 4 dates since July?

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@PegNosePete

 

But he is a bit insecure.

 

 

 

This is good, not too clingy. And after 5 dates it's not "too soon".

However, I'd wait till after you had sex. (I mean not immediately after.)

 

HELL no.

 

I wouldn't have sex with a guy unless I knew we were exclusive.

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Exclusivity after only 4 dates? I'm sorry...I'm a girl, and that would completely freak me out. What is OLD anyway? A dating site? Do you guys live far away from each other or close by? If you're close by, why only 4 dates since July?

 

OLD = Online Dating

 

We didn't meet until August 1st. We had been emailing/texting for about a week or two before that. Might have been sooner, but I had a death in the family.

 

Basically we had date one, waited a little more than a week, had date two, then we each had week-long vacations booked back-to-back weeks after that. Communication actually improved while we were both away. Lots of texting.

 

Since we both got back, it has been a date a week. She works three days a week while going to law school and has class until 8, three days a week. One weekend she was doing the Tough Mudder, so that was a no go and she offered last Saturday as an option, but I opted for Friday because of my grandpa's birthday. Would I like more than a date a week? Absolutely. But I'm not concerned about it. They are always pretty lengthy dates. Nothing has ever been shorter than three hours.

 

Like I said, I am a one girl at a time guy. I'm not asking her to commit to a relationship, I'm just telling her that I'm very interested in pursuing this, so I'm not going to waste time dating others.

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I understand you're a one girl at a time guy...but you don't have to profess it to her so quickly. It's so needy...like you want to hurry up and claim her before she finds someone else. I have news for you...try to claim her all you want, but if someone she's more interested in comes along, you'll be history whether you're exclusive or not.

 

Why can't you just wait a few more dates? When a guy tries to claim me too soon...I get uneasy and they seem needy. I feel like saying "Can you just enjoy me and our time together?" Why do you have to claim, force and rush things. Just enjoy each other and the commitment will come naturally.

 

When the time is right...you'll both decide. You'll have a moment and it will just roll out of your mouths. If you have to ask for advice on how to commit to this girl...the time isn't right yet. It's too forced. Just relax. If it's meant to be, you're not going to lose her.

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Like I said, I am a one girl at a time guy. I'm not asking her to commit to a relationship, I'm just telling her that I'm very interested in pursuing this, so I'm not going to waste time dating others.

Me too. I expressed this to my current gf on our first meeting and we've been together 5 months now. If she thinks you're too needy or insecure or whatever then she's obviously not right for you. Better to find out now rather than later so you can find someone you have more similar values to.

 

Dating is not just a process of staying with someone as long as possible until you do something wrong/insecure and they decide you're not good enough for them. It should be a mutual process of deciding whether you're compatible or not. If you're a one-gal-guy and she's a serial multi-dater then better to find out now and cut the cord. It's really win-win.

 

Why do you have to claim, force and rush things.

Well I would imagine the most common answer to this is that after 4 dates they are both wanting to move their relationship to a sexual one. And for many people, being exclusive is a prerequisite for a sexual relationship. I certainly wouldn't want someone I am having sex with, to be seeing another dude the next night. How tacky is that.

Edited by PegNosePete
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I'm in the "it's too soon" camp.

 

You've only had four dates over the course of 8 weeks, 6 if you count two weeks off for vacation. That's not really a lot for that length of time. So, unless you're getting some serious signals that this girl is really, really into you, I'm not sure you're at exclusive yet.

 

However, you are at a preliminary "fish or cut bait" stage. There's certainly nothing wrong with letting her know you're interested in pursuing this further. And while you may indeed not see other girls, I think I'd save that nugget so that you have a next step you can advance to. No reason to share that yet, unless she brings it up.

 

So maybe something like

 

Matilda, I've really enjoyed going out with you, and getting to know you over the past few weeks. I like you, and I'd like to get to know you better. In fact, I'd like it if we could begin to see each other a little more often. What do you think?
Something like that expresses interest without jumping the gun. Before you throw your heart into the ring, you really ought to spend some time with this girl, and it doesn't sound like you've done enough of that yet.

 

I vote for raising it up a notch, for another month or so, and you should try to at least double your frequency to 2X per week, maybe 3X per week by the time 4 more weeks go by. But don't go too fast, because my way will give you an opportunity to see her and then reflect seriously on what you've learned about her. Plus, she won't feel like she "has you", and if she likes you, that will fuel the fire.

 

Here's the main thing I think you should keep in mind. Nothing that is valuable comes cheaply, and this includes your affections, so don't sell yourself early for a bargain price.

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I think Mighty's letter is perfect. It's normal, it shows interest and it's not coming on too strong. It shows that you're interested in her as a person, not needy. It will also give this girl food for thought.

 

You guys definitely need to kick it up a notch and see each other more than once a week. I understand you've been busy...but when you like someone, you find a way.

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Not disagreeing with you two, but devil's advocate:

 

Couldn't requesting more of her time be seen as pushy/needy/trying to move too quickly?

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I understand you're a one girl at a time guy...but you don't have to profess it to her so quickly. It's so needy...like you want to hurry up and claim her before she finds someone else. I have news for you...try to claim her all you want, but if someone she's more interested in comes along, you'll be history whether you're exclusive or not.

 

Why can't you just wait a few more dates? When a guy tries to claim me too soon...I get uneasy and they seem needy. I feel like saying "Can you just enjoy me and our time together?" Why do you have to claim, force and rush things. Just enjoy each other and the commitment will come naturally.

 

When the time is right...you'll both decide. You'll have a moment and it will just roll out of your mouths. If you have to ask for advice on how to commit to this girl...the time isn't right yet. It's too forced. Just relax. If it's meant to be, you're not going to lose her.

 

If I were to make a comment here, this is what I would say.

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If you're a one-gal-guy and she's a serial multi-dater then better to find out now and cut the cord.

 

I'm curious about your thinking here PNP. You are a one-gal-guy, basically looking for a person you can have an LTR with, presumably leading to marriage.

 

She's a multi-dater, basically looking for a person she can have a LTR with, presumably leading to marriage.

 

The only difference is her approach. She's efficient with her time, and you're not.

 

So let's say you date this multi-dater, against your better judgment. It can go one of two ways: You find after a series of dates that you're not compatible, and so that's it. One of you ends it.

 

Or, as time moves forward, you both find that you're interested in more and more, and Miss Multi-dater stops seeing other guys and moves to exclusivity.

 

So I'm wondering what the payoff is for you to exclude girls like Miss Multi-dater starting at the first date. How does that increase your chances of finding a compatible mate? It seems like you're doing yourself a disservice.

 

Is her intense focus on the both of you that important at first? How often do you date starting with the second date? What difference does it make if she sees other guys while you are just beginning to know each other?

 

I don't know, it just seems like your way shrinks the available pool of qualified candidates and is inefficient. I'm not criticizing, I'm just wondering what aspect of this I haven't considered.

 

EDIT: Maybe this thread isn't for that - he's already had one thread veer off in the wrong direction! We shouldn't make it two!

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@jjtr...No. It's different. Telling someone you like hanging out with them and maybe you could see each other more isn't pushing them into an exclusive relationship. You're basically just telling her you want to get to know her and you're not trying to rush things.

 

Or...even instead of saying anything at all...just ask her out more than 1 time in a week. If she agrees to it...she likes you.

 

Either will work without coming across as needy.

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Not disagreeing with you two, but devil's advocate:

 

Couldn't requesting more of her time be seen as pushy/needy/trying to move too quickly?

 

Yes, if you were already seeing her 2X or 3X per week. But you're not even up to 1X per week, according to my calculations.

 

Besides, raising it a notch, isn't that the point? It is not needy, you're simply expressing desire. It is a recognition that you have interest.

 

"I'm not going to see anyone else while I get to know you" is much closer to clingy than "I'd like to get to know you better". The former creates conditions, complications, strings attached. The latter does not.

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HELL no.

 

I wouldn't have sex with a guy unless I knew we were exclusive.

 

I understand what you're saying, but many people don't conflate their sex life with being in an exclusive relationship.

 

My point was that after they had sex, their connection would be on another level, so it would sound less needy... in fact after they had sex, the lady would probably propose to go steady. (If she really likes him.)

 

And I agree with mightycpa. The OP should see her a bit more often.

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If I go on 5 dates with a guy yes I would hope we are exclusive, meaning only dating each other.

 

Some of you would really continue after 5 dates if the other person was still dating others??

 

Dating exclusively doesn't mean marriage or serious relationship. It means committing to actually getting to know this person ONE ON ONE without the distraction of other dates and love interests.

 

I'd bail if a guy couldn't agree to that after 5 dates. I mean if you aren't interested enough to JUST date me after 5 dates, you aren't interested in me enough for me, period. After 5 dates you should be excited and giddy about someone. If you are still wanting to see others, you just aren't that interested.

 

OP why do you guys see each other so infrequently? imo that shows a lack of interest too........

Edited by veggirl
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@veggirl...you wouldn't bail if the guy didn't agree to be exclusive with you after 5 dates. Not if you really liked him...and if you didn't really like him and wanted to bail...why would you want to be exclusive with him at all...especially so soon?

 

I've never in my life, ever met someone who cut someone off that they were crazy about, just cause they wouldn't be exclusive after only 5 dates. That's just too soon. 5 dates is absolutely nothing.

 

I would say exclusivity after a month or maybe even more like 2 months. No need to rush in. Besides, when you really like someone...there is an unspoken exclusivity.

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We're at once a week and I don't want to push for more knowing how busy her schedule is and how much she has to get done. I've been sensitive to her time and just enjoying the time we do spend.

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