How do you know when you are ready to date again?

[Toodaloo]

I know I am not yet. There are things I want to do and sort out before I start dating again (i.e. stop smoking, get fitter, clear last little bit of debt, build up respect for myself so I don't date idiots again)... It hasn't been that long since "letting go" of the separated man and I still think about him a lot more than I should even if I don't act on it.

 

I don't want to make the same mistakes and waste time - at my age I can't afford to!

 

However, I have started "noticing" other men (rarely happens when I am in a relationship unless they are Adonis lookalikes... Brad Pitt sadly doesn't cut it). Every now and then I take a peek on dating websites to see "what is out there". I am getting more curious and wanting more. Quite what that "more" is I have no clue...

 

So how do you know when you are ready?

[PegNosePete]

When you don't need to ask the question "am I ready?"

[Toodaloo]

When you don't need to ask the question "am I ready?"

 

Good point!

 

As you are the guru how about some tips on how to figure out what the "more" is that I want??? lol

Edited September 17, 2014 by Toodaloo
Adding a sentence!

[PegNosePete]

Well I don't know if I'm any kind of guru on that lol. But I would say there's 2 ways:

 

- Self reflection and thinking

- Trial and error!

[Toodaloo]

- Self reflection and thinking

 

Best not do that one or you will be printing off my posts as a cure to insomnia...!

 

May have a go with the second then...

[d0nnivain]

You are ready when you feel ready. Also when you stop comparing any new person you meet to your EX.

[Crila16]

Agree with PNP. When you stop asking the question, that's when you'll know.

[Toodaloo]

Mmm

 

I guess. I am probably ruminating again and over thinking "stuff".

 

Next weekend will be a big test as a group of us are going out and the separated guy I fell for just after my relationship broke up will be there. By that stage I will not have spoken to him for a month... Already got my head sorted round that one and am pretty sure I am in the right frame of mind to cope with it and deal with it. Really excited about the event and feeling neutral about him being there.

 

Never have compared Exes... I know I have a "type" (6ft+, dark short hair, blue eyes, build like a prop, stubble, tidy but strong facial features) but apart from that I haven't been prone to thinking along the lines of one being better than the other... Its just never crossed my mind. I think thats why this bloke was such a "surprise" as he isn't typical of the "type" I go for and I was very strongly attracted to him (more so that my ex of many years!). The only thing on the list he ticks is that is is over 6ft the rest is polar opposite, hair all wrong and longer styled than I normally like, clean shaven, grey eyes, massive nose that sticks out a mile, build like a whippet... thats the only comparing I have ever done. More of an acceptance of appearance rather than this or that is better... Actually thinking about it his character is also polar opposite. Best stop this now...

 

Just going to concentrate on the other bits I want to do first I think and leave the whole dating thing well alone for the next few months. Problem is after "doing it wrong" for so many blinking years (last relationship wasn't the only one I was "doing it wrong" in!) I have realised I have no clue how to "do it right"!!! Now I know I have made mistakes and where I have made those mistakes I don't want to do it again...

 

Why is it when you look at someone else as an outsider its all so clear but when you look at yourself its just a jumbled mess?

[mightycpa]

Maybe it is because even though you've done a lot of introspection, you haven't yet done enough.

 

Or maybe you simply judge yourself based on meeting your goals, and you're keenly aware that you are not measuring up to your own expectations in this regard, and this ****s with your ability to be at peace with yourself. Because you can't love yourself "as-is", you rush things, or subconsciously make choices that lead you in the wrong direction, creating a self-fulfilling loop of self-perceived failure that begins to smell a little like desperation.

 

I wonder what your reaction would be to the statement "I could be happy if I didn't find anybody to love for the next 10 years."

[Toodaloo]

I wonder what your reaction would be to the statement "I could be happy if I didn't find anybody to love for the next 10 years."

 

I am actually really happy. I have thought about this and it doesnt bother me at all. I can visulise a very happy and fullfilling life if I carry on as I am.

 

What does bother me is that my biological clock is ticking and I have health issues that will make babies a bloody miracle as it is let alone in ten years time... in that time it would boarderline hit the papers!!! Lol My doctors are fantastic and have plans in place for me... aparently I am "exraordinary" in my thinking and my ideals and although they want me to take a particular route and are more than happy to invest a lot more than normally would be I have refused. Time doesnt help these issues and its a practical thing.

 

I always thought I would have done all that by now. I guess that is where the pressure is coming from and also I know full well its going to take an extraordinary person to accept that and the consequences that go with it. You dont always get what you want. I accept this. But I do want it.

[mightycpa]

Ah, the baby is the goal.

 

And the unspoken part is that you want to do this in a very traditional fashion, rather than find a donor who is willing to fill up a turkey baster.

 

So really, the goal is a baby + (I'm having trouble describing the father)

 

Is this closer?

 

Let's say 10 years go by, and the baby is only available by adoption. Does it change the goal?

 

I'm having trouble figuring out what the primary goal is, the loving relationship or the child(ren), or both (ie, husband with no interest in children is disqualified).

 

Help me.

[melodymatters]

For me it was like a light switch being flipped. I was widowed and for 2.3 yrs, the thought of dating or kissing anyone seemed unnatural, gross even. Then one spring I started noticing guys the way I used to and it all unfolded in a very natural way.

 

My advice to women looking for a good guy is simple : Find the nicest, sweetest, kindest guy who you also can't wait to rip his clothes off and give it a whirl !

[Toodaloo]

Adoption is very much on the cards and if I have my way will happen anyway. I just want to be in a stable relationship before I add children to the mix. I believe that children deserve two active and involved parents. Ok sometimes divorce etc gets in the way but I have spent my entire life avoiding that... by being in ****ty relationships and saying no when the question is asked admittedly. Death is again something that cant be avoided but I want any child in my care to be safe and secure. Again practicalities.

 

If it doesnt happen it doesnt happen c'est la vie. These things are not a god given right but a god given gift.

 

It would also be nice to get physical with something other than a lump of plastic powered by AA batteries at some point while I still have my own teeth

[mightycpa]

It would also be nice to get physical with something other than a lump of plastic powered by AA batteries at some point while I still have my own teeth

 

Although there is a lot to recommend a woman with none of her natural teeth!

 

I don't know. Maybe you're just on an extended dry spell. You seem perfectly nice, perfectly normal. Maybe you are just limiting the pool with your "type" criteria. Maybe you need a new town. You're not easy to diagnose or to solve, unlike so many others on this forum. Their issues stick out glaringly. Yours, not so much.

 

I think I have nothing to add, which is pretty rare for me.

 

Toodoloo!

[Toodaloo]

Oh my goals are not the same as my wishes... and yes a husband who doesnt want or like children is out... I am far too maternal a person and it would be a very bad match. I would also end up with far too many cats... my dog collection is large enough as it is!

 

My goals are a seperate issue and I am more than happy to work at those on my own. Already am! Already have a plan...

 

I hope it does click as you describe melody. I am sorry for your loss but glad for your joy.

[Toodaloo]

Although there is a lot to recommend a woman with none of her natural teeth! !

 

Lol I was reccomended the pink side instead of the blue... suspect they would like teeth too though!

 

You are a sick pup cpa... funny but sick!

 

Its a self enforced dry spell. I am frighteningly easy to diagnose. I am simply a people pleaser who values herself on the smiles she raises. Thats not a problem until I start trying to make the wrong people happy. I like people to feel good in my company and that usually happens. But when you are in a relationship and allow your life to be taken over making someone else happy to the point you forget your own and neglect your health thats a problem.That is where I have been going wrong. To utterly disasterous effect in fact. Its got to stop before I try again.

[Supernatural]

Dating is funny for me... Getting serious. It's like a wave that comes and goes.

 

On one hand it would be terrific to have a golden woman around. Go shopping, make dinners, out for dinners, bike rides, hikes, cuddles, frequent sex, sleepovers.

 

But on the other hand I love being free of any obligation, not worrying about another person, checking out any woman I desire, not stressing about money as much - saving.

 

I don't think a person fully knows when to date. Depends how deep you want to ask questions about your life and what you really desire.

 

Going on dates to me always seems like we're trying to entertain ourselves. Distract us from our regular lives because 'this is what people do'. I think dating is kind of stupid. A very very small percent of people may be suitable long-term serious. And a handful you will think are, but aren't, and will eventually fall apart, leaving you both jaded and hurt.

 

I think... When you're at your perfect ideal place in life and heart (not needing anyone or falling down a metaphorical well) The perfect person will show up. The best people I have encountered in my life show up when I least expected.

 

I think the best thing for any single person to do is to stop actively seeking a partner or date. Worry about bettering your own self as much as possible. This the time to be completely in to your own self. Because when you're dating... You can no longer focus 100% of your energy purely on you. I want to be strong physically, spiritually, and mentally for my future woman. So right now I'm building my inner and outer castle.

[True Gent]

Dating is funny for me... Getting serious. It's like a wave that comes and goes.

 

On one hand it would be terrific to have a golden woman around. Go shopping, make dinners, out for dinners, bike rides, hikes, cuddles, frequent sex, sleepovers.

 

But on the other hand I love being free of any obligation, not worrying about another person, checking out any woman I desire, not stressing about money as much - saving.

 

I don't think a person fully knows when to date. Depends how deep you want to ask questions about your life and what you really desire.

 

Going on dates to me always seems like we're trying to entertain ourselves. Distract us from our regular lives because 'this is what people do'. I think dating is kind of stupid. A very very small percent of people may be suitable long-term serious. And a handful you will think are, but aren't, and will eventually fall apart, leaving you both jaded and hurt.

 

I think... When you're at your perfect ideal place in life and heart (not needing anyone or falling down a metaphorical well) The perfect person will show up. The best people I have encountered in my life show up when I least expected.

 

I think the best thing for any single person to do is to stop actively seeking a partner or date. Worry about bettering your own self as much as possible. This the time to be completely in to your own self. Because when you're dating... You can no longer focus 100% of your energy purely on you. I want to be strong physically, spiritually, and mentally for my future woman. So right now I'm building my inner and outer castle.

 

Good post, I can particularly relate to the first part I've highlighted in bold. I think I'm ready, but I like a lot of things about being on my own too.

 

I do think you are right, being pre occupied with trying to find someone just puts you on a path to disappointment and wastes your time.

 

We must focus on fulfilling our own life and when we are truly in a good place and happy in our own skin - just doing our own thing, then maybe someone truly special will come into our lives.

[Toodaloo]

Good post, I can particularly relate to the first part I've highlighted in bold. I think I'm ready, but I like a lot of things about being on my own too.

 

Thats the bit I liked the best too as it says how I feel at the moment. Except that I know only too well that I am really not ready yet.

 

I am loving being on my own. I am loving that I have no one to answer to. I am particularly loving eating what I want, when I want and doing what I want when I want. Its resulted in a big weight loss, my being fitter, healthier and happier!!!

 

This would never have happened if my Ex was still around. I literally was driving myself to an early grave and making myself/ allowing him to make me extremely ill. He didn't care, he just carried on taking until my friends and family (and some of his family) took umbridge to the situation and his answer was to leave rather than buck up. I know I should be deeply upset about this but I am not. I am not at all bothered by his leaving and am relieved that he did. If I look back I actually wanted him gone before I became ill - but if you make your bed you must sleep in it... If I am brutal with myself I didn't love him the way a partner should. I felt constantly under pressure, exhausted and worn down.

 

I am bothered by his actions for the few (around 18 - 24) months before he left as those actions have left me feeling that I am in some way "unworthy". That feeling is passing and the more I look after myself the stronger I feel.

 

When the separated man came along shortly after (1-2 months - so too soon) he was gentle, kind and strong at the same time. He would do small things for me that I haven't had done for me before. Stupid things like taking his plate to the kitchen after a meal and taking mine with him. I get really thirsty at night so he would grab a bottle of water from the fridge before bed. He would listen to what I was saying and ask questions about my day and what was happening. He didn't try to fix anything for me but if I needed help he would help. Example is that instead of fixing the radio in my car he told me how to do it myself. He would check in if he knew a day was going to be particularly difficult at work. He would dance with me round the kitchen and garden, humming silly songs so that I would smile. If I ever tripped in his presence he would catch me. He made me feel empowered. He made me feel strong. I was also very shocked at the intensity of my "romantic" feelings for him as it was extraordinarily strong, unexpected and I didn't think I could feel that way let alone as powerfully as I did.

 

Its actually taking me longer to "get over" him than my ex whom I was with for years! Yes we slept in the same bed but there was no sex. The fumblings that did happen were... amazing. Despite both of us holding back in our own ways. In many ways I am glad there was no sex as I think if that had happened it would have really screwed us both up. So it was all there... except the two fairly major issues of sex and availability! Ironic eh!

 

Now, I know I need to move on. I know that I can feel deeply about a person which is positive as I was a bit numb before. I know I need to stop being a doormat for the man/ men in my life. I am petrified. Time is flying past so quickly and I feel as though if I am to give myself a chance of my wishes to come true I need to step up a gear. At the same time I am hitting reverse as hard as I can because I want to take my time and enjoy being on my own for a while. My brain seems to be constantly stuck in stop/ go mode.

 

I guess the only thing making it easier is that my sex drive has gone down the spout... I am not one for dreaming about the unachievable and tend to get randier the more time I spend with someone that I am partnered with. Now there is no one around its kind of plummeted so no more shares in Duracel for me! Still a tad annoying though.

 

Apologies for waffling. Thanks for listening everyone - I know its all a load of tripe really and I need to pull my finger out stop whingeing about it and take one step at a time...

[mightycpa]

I am frighteningly easy to diagnose. I am simply a people pleaser who...

 

****! It was a test!

 

But when you are in a relationship and allow your life to be taken over making someone else happy.

 

Stop doing that. You can't make people happy. You can certainly do things for them, but you can't be responsible for their happiness. Nor can they be responsible for yours. People may enjoy your company for a while, but you shouldn't be doing any handsprings to make that happen. Didn't I use the work organic somewhere along the line?

[Lipitor11]

Letting go of all the baggage, all the hatred of the opposite sex, knowing that you are at a happy point in your life, having accomplished what you what-career, school, etc, etc.

[Toodaloo]

****! It was a test!

 

Stop doing that. You can't make people happy. You can certainly do things for them, but you can't be responsible for their happiness. Nor can they be responsible for yours. People may enjoy your company for a while, but you shouldn't be doing any handsprings to make that happen. Didn't I use the work organic somewhere along the line?

 

Agh CPA don't test me! Its nearly the end of the week! My brain is elsewhere (work)...

 

 

I know I need to stop. I know that I can't "make" people happy. That's why I am trying to stay single for as long as possible so I can sort this ol' noggin out and get myself to the right place. But I have no clue where that "right" place actually is...

[Toodaloo]

Letting go of all the baggage, all the hatred of the opposite sex, knowing that you are at a happy point in your life, having accomplished what you what-career, school, etc, etc.

 

All of that is sorted. I think.

 

 

I can't hate men - I am surrounded by them all day at work and they would revolt if I hated them! In day to day life I spend far more time with men than women...

 

 

I am very happy with my career. Love both of my part time jobs and know that in both they think very highly of me. The people I work with are simply fantastic (most of the time lol). They have also been very supportive this year. One Boss broke me out of hospital for a couple of hours and took me on a jaunt as he knew I was getting "cabin fever". Both jobs phoned every couple of days and as I say they also visited to check up on me. In both jobs they have been very supportive while I was ill and recovering, supportive when my ex left me and now they all want to see me "happy" so keep going on about meeting men. OK so I am not "high flying" but my dogs come with me, I earn enough to pay the bills and I really enjoy what I do and the people I work with. Even on bad days I still smile and have yet to have a day when I really do not want to go to work. Its not many who can say that they look forward to Mondays...!

 

 

There are other goals that I want to achieve but those will come with time as long as I keep my head down and keep working at them. They do not worry me as I have a plan. I can do those on my own or with someone - it doesn't matter.

[mightycpa]

Agh CPA don't test me! Its nearly the end of the week! My brain is elsewhere (work)...

 

 

I know I need to stop. I know that I can't "make" people happy. That's why I am trying to stay single for as long as possible so I can sort this ol' noggin out and get myself to the right place. But I have no clue where that "right" place actually is...

 

Why don't you date, and look for people who try to make you happy. Then you can make each other happy.

[carhill]

So how do you know when you are ready?

 

For myself, it was going out on dates with ladies and enjoying their company and not thinking about my STBXW. In fact, I took one date to the same restaurant where my exW and I had our first lunch together and no thoughts of her creeped in at all and I was totally focused on my date. My exW and I would find our divorce finalized about eight months later.

 

So, at that time, I knew I was ready to date; however, I also found, after dating for awhile, with a couple different ladies, that I had, in general, lost my interest in the passion of getting to know women, so gave it up and haven't gone back. No reflection on them at all. Something about my M and D killed that part of me which was prior impelled to battle other men for the attention of women; other things in life to do now.

 

So, my advice is to try dating and see how it goes. If it goes well, that's great. If not, that's OK too. Better IMO to go and to know. Good luck!