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Different love languages or just not compatible?


Damaged217

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I have been with my boyfriend for 10 months as of today. We pretty much live together right now. I feel like he doesn't really love me or at least doesn't know how to show me in the right way, but I don't know if it's because we have different love languages or what. I constantly compare our relationship to the relationship he had with his ex (which is bad, I know). He just seemed more into her. They used to do all sorts of stuff together. He took her to all kinds of sports games and he has a ton of pictures of her on his laptop.

 

I feel like we never do anything unless I intiate it. I am always the one dragging him to events and most of the time he complains about it or I can just tell by his face that he's only doing it so he doesn't have to hear me whine about it. He also never takes pictures of us ever. He claims he hardly ever takes pictures. And that he sees me every day. What does he need pictures for? That all those pics of his ex are pictures she took. We got into a huge fight recently because he never posts anything about me on Facebook. Has never had us as a profile picture.

 

But this past weekend we went to his friends to watch football. He invited some girl that I never met or heard of before (which he told me about the day of) because he was trying to hook her up with his friend who just got dumped. She brought a couple friends. He ended up taking a picture with them and he posted it on facebook. I was furious. I wasn't jealous of them in particular. I was upset that he never posts anything but when he chooses to do so, it is of girls that he hardly knows. I also fought with him because I got promoted in June and he said he wanted to take me out to dinner to celebrate. It is now September and he has yet to do that.

 

Am I making too big a deal out of this? I just feel unappreciated and taken for granted. I've expressed all of this to him before and he does nothing about it. He once told me that he wants nothing but to make me happy and to make all my friends jealous of us. I feel like that is all talk. He does do a lot for me. He is always fixing my car and helping with household chores and what not.

 

Once in a great while, he will put little cute notes in my lunch bag for work. I know he cares about me in his own way. But as far as doing sweet, little things...they are few and far between. I'm the kind of girl that needs those sweet little gestures, otherwise I feel unappreciated.

 

What do I do? Are we just not compatible? Should I buy that book about the 5 different love languages and make him read it with me? I'm at a loss. I'm starting to become jealous of other couples and am experiencing GIGS :(

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I have been with my boyfriend for 10 months as of today. We pretty much live together right now.
Do you or don't you?

 

Am I making too big a deal out of this?
Not at all. The description you gave is that of a loser, really. It's like he gets lively only in the company of others. I'm not sure if he's somehow missing his past, his past girlfriend, what his life used to be compared to what it is now, etc. Sure he's different. People can be different because they feel different, or they simply change depending on whom they're with. Proof of it is men are not the same when they are with a male buddy than when they are in the company of a girl/woman.

 

What strikes me in your summary is that he didn't take a pic with them and asked you to be in the picture with him. No. You were like wall paper. So it's not good. He couldn't even play the I-didn't-know card. Because you had a discussion about that.

 

I just feel unappreciated and taken for granted. I've expressed all of this to him before and he does nothing about it.
This is the worst. And you know why this is happening? Pretty simple. He doesn't see the relationship with you as being in danger.

 

What do I do?
I'm not for games, but you need to do something about it and immediately. Stop inviting him anywhere. See if he feels like sharing anything with you. Keep your mood good and positive. Show you're thrilled about anything. Before making a decision, if a friend invites you anywhere, ask him. Like Jill asked if we want to go ... Friday night. What do you think? He might say: I don't feel like going. You: OK, what would you like doing instead?

If instead he says: Sure, let's go!

Then you make sure it's what he wants.

I'm not sure about your routine, but during the week if you usually go home at 6, start going home later, like at 7 pm. Or just delay your return once or twice a week. Don't be too predictable. Have a life without him. Then see if he just gets his life without you or if he's in any way interested in your life without him. That will be your clue.

 

Are we just not compatible?
I don't think it's a matter of compatability. More about laziness.

 

Should I buy that book about the 5 different love languages and make him read it with me?
Honest? I guess your money would be better spent on something else. I myself talked to him about the love languages and how we differ, and do you think anything changed? Not really. At least, not because of that. Also, one thing I learned is don't have him do anything against his will. Chances are he will do it for you, but just because he has too. That's a big turn off.

Forget the love languages for now. You already talked to him, and it led to nothing. So I guess you just need to act now, rather than talk.

 

am experiencing GIGS :(
What do you mean here? I didn't get it. Sorry.

 

Anyway, keep your spirits up. You now have a plan.

 

See what happens and let us know.

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http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/251986-grass-greener-syndrome

 

OP, I don't think you're experiencing GIGS, rather are frustrated with the issues in your relationship and IMO a lot of it has to do with working at cross purposes. I'd suggest giving that love languages book a try and communicate with your boyfriend, primarily with positive statements and open-ended questions. Tell him how you feel and leave the dialogue open.

 

If you and he can't find middle ground to assuage your needs and his (yep, it's a two-way street), then move on, not because there's a better deal down the street (GIGS) but rather because it's the healthy action to take for your next steps in life. Good luck!

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I am on the fence about this.

 

I read your entire post and my opinion of your relationship kept bouncing left and right.

 

Here's why: Half of your rant about him was due to facebook drama. Every. Single. Time. I read a post about facebook drama it makes me /facepalm.

 

I think you're equating your relationship success to the amount of exposure it is on social media. I don't think that's fair. I think you're placing judgement upon him for not... Posting things online? Posting things about his private life? That's really shallow of you. Not posting pictures/status' of you on his FB (and you mentioned not making his PROFILE picture of the both of you??) is a little silly.

 

On top of that, you got into a fight with him about it. Did he start the fight? or did you? Be honest. Picking a fight over facebook is probably my biggest nono.

 

Remove facebook drama and here what it comes down to:

- He doesn't take you out on dates as often as you'd like.

- Makes false promises (I'll take you to dinner to celebrate your promotion).

- Doesn't take pictures of you two (even though he said that his ex-gf was the one taking them, not him).

 

But he also...

- Helps with the car, chores

- Gives you little notes to show he cares

 

----

 

In the end, I think he is just lazy. That's pretty much it. I don't think it's a matter of him not caring or anything of the sort. It's just that he doesn't give much effort. And that could be because he doesn't care ENOUGH, or you might have accepted this behavior for so long (maybe even from the start) that he just got used to it. People treat us how we allow them to treat us. If you allow certain behaviors, people will continue to do them. It's EASIER for him to stay home and do nothing. If you allowed this for a while, he just got used to it. You're not gonna do anything about it, so why should he care?

 

Don't play games like the other person suggested. Just leave him. He will either A) just let you go (most likely) because I feel like he doesn't really care enough, or B) it will light a fire under his ass. The only thing about B is is that it might be temporary. You can't allow him to slip back into his lazy ways again.

 

----

 

Final notes: Quit facebook. Trust me. Best decision I ever made. 1.5years clean from that crap. Miraculously, so much less drama in my life. Ironically, the reason why I quit it in the first place was because a girl I used to date started to get the same way as you, "why don't you x,y,z on facebook with me...?" Yup, nipped that in the bud quickly.

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Should I buy that book about the 5 different love languages and make him read it with me?

 

 

You can't make him do anything. You love him more than he loves you and it may always be that way. Have you been the one initiating things for most of the relationship?

 

You said that you almost live together? What does that mean? Who initiated that?

 

Sounds like you're rowing the relationship and a man should lead in terms of interest. A woman should reciprocate and appreciate. That way you know a man is with you because he genuinely wants to be.

 

Best wishes

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You guys like each other, but you don't seem to be each others match. As an example...You both like to dance, so you have that in common. Only problem...he's doing the 2 step...and you're doing a waltz.

 

He's not respecting you by posting pics of himself with other girls. I guy who's serious would never do that, especially if you don't know the girls. It's not very mature on his part.

 

You sound like you're not very happy with this guy, because he's not fulfilling certain needs that you don't want to compromise. You guys don't seem to inspire each other. It just seems like you're together, because you'd rather have someone than be alone. I'm not saying you guys don't have any feelings for each other...I'm just saying I think there's someone out there you'd be more compatible with. Don't sell yourself short.

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Don't play games like the other person suggested. Just leave him. He will either A) just let you go (most likely) because I feel like he doesn't really care enough, or B) it will light a fire under his ass.
I'm not sure if this is funny or what. So not playing games means breaking up with him to get a reaction? You must be the master of games.
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I'm not sure if this is funny or what. So not playing games means breaking up with him to get a reaction? You must be the master of games.

 

Breaking up with him is not a game.

 

It's breaking up with him.

 

Whether or not something happens afterwards is up to them. Personally, when I break up, it's done. Completely over without ever a chance of reconciliation.

 

But it is different person to person. SOme people will take a break and resolve their issues moving forward.

 

I apologize as I'm not a very good writer, so I think you misunderstood.

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I'm mostly on the fence about this.

 

On the one hand, yes, he does sound uninterested and like he isn't making much effort in the date nights out department. Also, not cool of him to talk about taking you out to celebrate and then not following through - if he hadn't intended to do so he shouldn't have said anything.

 

On the other hand, it sounds like you harangue him a lot, and you seem to be focusing on unimportant things in your fights with him. Facebook, him taking a group picture, etc. Have you expressed your appreciation for the things he DOES do for you - fixing your car, putting notes in your lunch bag, doing your share of the chores, etc - or is it all just complaining about what he doesn't do?

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He's not respecting you by posting pics of himself with other girls. I guy who's serious would never do that, especially if you don't know the girls. It's not very mature on his part.

 

Uh, I read her post as saying that he took a picture with a mixed group of friends (both guys and girls), not just him and a bunch of girls. Do you really find it disrespectful for your partner to be taking pictures in a group just because there are people of the opposite sex in it? :confused:

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Thanks for the replies, guys. So my name is on the lease, not his. But he does live with me, it's just not official. He doesn't have all of his things at my place, just some clothes, a razor, toothbrush, etc. He does go to his parents maybe 1 night a week.

 

As far as the Facebook thing, you guys are right. That has been a source of constant drama for me in most relationships. I need to cut that out. I just get jealous because he has tons of friends, who I am now friends with, that are married or in relationships that at least mention their significant other once in a while on there. His lack of mentioning me makes me feel like crap for some reason. And that pic was of him with those girls and the guy friend that he was trying to set one of the girls up with. I didn't find it disrespectful at all. I was just sad that the guy that never posts things, posted something with someone who was not me.

 

That's the least of my issues. The big factor is that I feel unappreciated. I was surprised that many of you said he is just being lazy. I had a conversation with a good friend about this the other day and she mentioned the laziness thing as well. In the beginning, he initiated everything. He bought concert tickets and surprised me. He would leave cute notes for me on the fridge or in my lunch. He did a lot more of the cute things. Now it seems like he is settled in the relationship and, to me, I think he feels like he doesn't need to do those cute, little things anymore because he already got what he wanted.

 

I do plenty of things without him. I have girls night out a lot. And he will just go out with his friends. I just feel like things turned around at some point. In the beginning he was clearly more into me than I was into him. I had issues with him being at my place so much because I felt like I had no alone time. We worked through that and I got over that. But now it feels like I am investing more into the relationship than he is. And I don't know how to fix this. I am not the best communicator and I feel that is a huge factor in this. When I bring the issues up, it is often times I have had a few drinks. Or it is during times I'm super emotional due to my period or thinking too much about these issues and I will cry (which he can't stand. He finds it a turn off). I think I mostly come off as needy and like a big complainer. I think I need to speak to him rationally. I need to calmly tell him that his lack of initiating date nights and following through with his words makes me feel bad and unloved. I just bought that 5 languages of love book online. I guess if he cares enough, he will read it and try to empathize with me. I know he loves me. He got mad at me the other day because we were looking to buy a new tv and I said I would pay for it in case we break up (so I could keep it). I was joking. But he got upset because he thought I was thinking of breaking up with him at some point. But there is a difference between knowing something and feeling it. And I haven't felt it in months :(

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On the other hand, it sounds like you harangue him a lot, and you seem to be focusing on unimportant things in your fights with him. Facebook, him taking a group picture, etc. Have you expressed your appreciation for the things he DOES do for you - fixing your car, putting notes in your lunch bag, doing your share of the chores, etc - or is it all just complaining about what he doesn't do?

 

I do harangue him a lot, I suppose. But I also express my appreciation when he does things right. I also make him lunches and put cute little notes in his bag. I bought him concert tickets to one of his favorite bands just because. I do things for him that I would like him to do for me. And he does them, but they are getting rarer and rarer. I wish he would do things for me just because. Just because he loves me and wants to see me smile.

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