Red flags two months in

[TristateMan]

I'm 32 year old man, she is a 25 year old woman. I met her 8 months ago, we started dating 2 months ago.

 

The person I knew in public was the one I wanted to get to know. She seemed bubbly, outgoing, yet innocent.

 

So far, red flags (as I see them):

 

1. She tells me 2 weeks ago that she's slept with "around 50 guys" and has lost count. To me that's a red flag that she may be hiding more. Perhaps not, but 50 alone is startling. She accumulated that many partners over her time at college and first year out of school.

 

I'm not looking to date a virgin -- (but for 50...she's lackluster in bed) -- but this number shocked me. One of the reasons I wanted to date/get to know her was that I suspected she wasn't like that (not trying to judge anyone here who has a high count).

 

2. She's moved extremely fast. I mean, trying to integrated into my life quickly, meet everyone, introduce me to her family, etc. She "tests" my devotion to the relationship repeatedly, seems insecure about it. There are times where she's not testing me, but it seems like a day can't go by without something.

 

3. Whenever I try to draw boundaries and say that we need to maintain our own lives, take things slow, keep our own hobbies etc she "feels hurt" like I'm rejecting her personally. That's not it, but at this age I realize what I think is healthy relationship vs what is passion/quick. I don't want to be codependent.

 

4. She was angry and upset when I said we should get STD tests recently. I have far fewer partners than her (one hand), but upon learning about that, and her wanton readiness to have sex with me without a condom... yeah. I'm scared. I'm getting tested myself and will followup with another test in 2-3 months. Anyhow at the suggestion of being tested she said that I "basically called her a whore". (hello, you slept with a lot of people). I insisted that it was about being smart and respecting our health and one another, and would lead me to be comfortable with her.

 

This all came up because I cracked a joke about STDs several weeks ago and she started to cry. I never understood it at the time. This definitely makes me feel she has something and/or I may have it now too. I've abstained from sex with her since learning her partner count. Further, her last "full panel" (blood, urine) test was 3 years ago (!!). I'm shocked because she's slept with a lot of guys in that time according to her.

 

5. She has a hard time respecting many of my believes/quirks. I mean, if I want to live a certain way or prefer to do certain things, she's insistent that I need to overcome my boundaries. I just think it's a normal part of my identity/anyones to have some quirks.

 

6. She doesn't test me all the time, but I feel frustrated that at times she's not being upfront. She says its to "keep me on my toes" and, while I can laugh, it's more frustrating than anything. I don't want to date a child. It's not exceptionally bad, but I want a woman who never does this. Is that unrealistic?

 

It later comes out that she has "daddy issues" her words, and I believe it. I knew a declared borderline/histrionic woman before in a similar boat. She says she has never been in love, nor loved, and has been in 5 relationships total (much of her 'count' is one night stands, clubbing or on the first date, and sex buddies she has kept). She seems different than the borderline/histrionic I knew, and is less flighty, but can be just as temperamental/easily hurt. Almost like a child inside.

 

I believe her much of the time and -- not because it inflates my ego -- but she says what we have is different because she rarely has something last this long. I know she appreciates me, because to my surprise she confided in her grandfather a whole laundry list of things I have done (small details mostly) that make her feel cared for. I was surprised to hear it come out, that she noticed all those little things. She said she loves it.

 

Again I know that everyone has their baggage, and that when you get to know someone it's not 100% the person you met initially/surface associations but she seems to treat me far different in private than the person I initially knew and wanted to date.

 

I have tried. Whenever I bring up things and suggest she works on it, she "feels hurt" by my suggestions. I approach it very diplomatically though and say its not because I don't like her, but because I need my space to know I like her / and that some distance is healthy and will help us appreciate one another. Her past boyfriends have reportedly accused her of being "clingy" according to her and I can understand why. She said "they got me wrong, they said I was clingy...theres no such thing as clingy, it just means one person cares more than the other" (red flag?)

 

My close friends and family -- who I shared the 50 partners with, yes violating her privacy -- were startled and said that alone was a red flag. Further, her casual approach towards being tested has me enraged. It's totally willful ignorance for my health and those of others.

 

I try to separate jealousy and insecurity because I know I do well in bed -- very caring for my partner, confident, make sure to put her first, etc. But I feel frustrated that now that she is looking to settle down (she admits as much, as she would like marriage in the next 2 years, kids in the next 4 years) -- that I'm the "settle option". All those times I worked towards building up my career and worth, a better life, for a future with a long term partner... and she was...well...fooling around with the football team...and the rugby team...and the basketball team . I can't help but be jealous about it, truthfully.

 

I enjoy some of our time together, but I'm conflicted on how I truly feel about her anymore. I feel it was a sort of bait and switch. Has anyone ever felt that?

 

I was never in a rush to push the relationship in any direction and wanted to take it slow to see how it grew/blossomed. Due to her pushiness, I feel that I've lost that nice time/bonding somewhat.

 

Thoughts?

 

I am horrible at breaking up. I hate confrontation but if it seems like an open and close case, I guess I need to do what needs to be done.

 

Sorry for the book. Thanks for your thoughts.

[isisisweeping]

The number doesn't bother me but the fact she hasn't been tested in 3 years and then to boot huffs about it... no way.

 

 

The only way ANYONE should go 3 years without a test is if they haven't had sex in 3.5 years. (Every few years is probably not a bad idea even in an exclusive relationship.) I would not sleep with someone who acted that way about STD tests.

 

 

 

 

Plus, she doesn't seem considering of your feelings or healthy.

 

 

I would end it.

[TristateMan]

A few more points to add:

 

1. She lost her virginity at age 20 and with her 5 relationships, she slept with the other 45 "acknowledged" guys over a 2.5 year span of time. Again I am not expecting a virgin, but a handful of partners would be something I could stomach. She passes the high count off as simply "I went through a difficult phase in my life" I can accept that on one hand, but then still find it difficult to swallow. I guess as a guy I don't find casually sleeping with 45 women to be the solution to my troubled periods.

 

2. I dated younger, purposely, as I know a great many women at 32 want kids/settle down and that's not something I'm looking for at this stage in life. I envision that I'll wait to late 30s before kids, likely. I know life doesn't follow a script, but this is my rough plan.

 

3. I'm not looking to be anyones white knight or saviour. At this age I want someone who is strong enough on their own, but wants to be with me. I don't get a "need" from her as much as my post sounds like it, I do sense there is a "want" and she can be alone given that she doesn't have many relationships, really.

[TristateMan]

The number doesn't bother me but the fact she hasn't been tested in 3 years and then to boot huffs about it... no way.

 

 

The only way ANYONE should go 3 years without a test is if they haven't had sex in 3.5 years. (Every few years is probably not a bad idea even in an exclusive relationship.) I would not sleep with someone who acted that way about STD tests.

 

 

 

 

Plus, she doesn't seem considering of your feelings or healthy.

 

 

I would end it.

 

She had been tested at a lower level/a less rigorous testing reportedly 6 months ago. I'm guessing for basic things, but nothing comprehensive.

 

While I appreciate that, it still bothers me that she wasn't rigorous... it's not about AIDS (but that matters!) it's about things like HPV, Hepatitis, etc and otherwise. It just enraged me at the time that she could be that selfish.

 

She went on to state "my testing 6 months ago was clean, and I don't think I slept with guys since then". Like it's ambiguous and she doesn't even know or keep track of her sexual health. That bugged me, certainly. I think her fear of seeming "slutty" overrode her ability to be truthful with me. I wouldn't be surprised if the count is more than 50.

[mammasita]

Agreed with above, the number in itself doesn't bother me all so much.....its her actions and reaction to a STD test and the fact that she hasn't had one.

 

She seems needy, too willing to please and I would imagine that the reason the number is so high is simply because she thought it would keep the guy NOT because she necessarily enjoys sex. Her "manipulations" whether knowingly or subconscious are her way of locking you in.

 

I'd definitely cut her loose. Next thing you know its 3 years down the line, you feel suffocated and she's crying and threatening to slit her wrists when you want to have a simple guys night out.

[PegNosePete]

at the suggestion of being tested she said that I "basically called her a whore".

No, a whore gets paid to have sex. You never mentioned any form of payment.

 

I think you are definitely right to be cautious. It is a high number and her insistence on doing it without protection is alarming in this day and age.

 

It seems you two are pretty incompatible. You want different things, and you both are trying to change multiple aspects of each other in order to be happy. Never ever date a fixer-upper. It can only end badly.

[Joaquin]

You dont want to settle down. But wanna bang nice young ass while you take your merry time.

 

She is a young girl who likes a good time.

 

What exactly is the problem?

[TristateMan]

You dont want to settle down. But wanna bang nice young ass while you take your merry time.

 

She is a young girl who likes a good time.

 

What exactly is the problem?

 

I would say it's rather that I want to grow into a committed relationship with a younger woman who is not as pressured by her biological clock as women my age.

[cif]

End it. She's irresponsible about her health. And it doesn't seem you'll get past her "number" (which yes is very high)

[central]

You call these things red flags. If they are really that, even one red flag is an automatic relationship-killer.

 

Overall, you have serious issues with her regardless of whether they are deal-breakers. I think you should move on and find someone more compatible.

[LostOnes05]

I know a lot of people might say the number of partners isn't that important, but in my humble opinion it is. It is an indicator that this person does not value the intimacy of sex, the bond that it should reinforce, and lacks impulse control when put in unfavorable or difficult situations. I think you are right to be wary of intercourse with her since she is unwilling to be tested. You should talk over dinner in private (because I find that the best time to talk about things) and reiterate that not being tested is not acceptable to you. Let her understand that you are worried about the high partner count and why it worries you. If she is unable to comprehend your stance, then she is really leaving you no choice. But have an open and honest discussion with her again, but make it clear that you are willing to walk if she does not take your health and the relationship seriously if she indeed loves you. Best of luck bro!

[Minnie09]

I know a lot of people might say the number of partners isn't that important, but in my humble opinion it is. It is an indicator that this person does not value the intimacy of sex, the bond that it should reinforce, ....................

 

Yeah, but hello, she was in her EARLY twenties when she had that many sexual partners. You're not fully developed at that age, you still have to learn how to "value the intimacy of sex" (and some never do). At that age, you are more in the experimental stage of your sexual life. So that wouldn't be a deal breaker for me necessarily.

 

However, it does seem like she wants to be taken care of. Does she have a stable job/friends/family? If she mentions daddy issues, she most likely has them, and that's always a problem in the long run, unless you're a caretaker type, and you don't sound like one TBH.

 

Yes....she should get tested. HPV is everywhere. Even though it's rather harmless for guys, it can cause cervical cancer etc., and you can be a carrier.

[Emilia]

She seems pretty unstable emotionally, not sure that's someone to settle down with.

[ja123]

OP, you spent a lot of time detailing the issues in point form. You seem like a kind, intelligent, open-minded, and fair man.

 

 

However, do not allow your kindness and your attraction to this woman to blind what you know deep-down:

 

 

That you should get out of this relationship a.s.a.p. and don't look back.

 

 

Imagine how much better you will feel once you eliminate this confusion from your life?

 

 

Don't deny or rationalize what you are feeling so that you take the wrong course of action and stay with her. Don't make the mistake and assume things will change for the better in the future. Look at what you see now.

 

 

Your fears are there for a reason: to protect you. Listen to them.

 

 

From what you've said, including her abandonment issues, etc. She is not a stable girl and will need therapy to work on her issues. This is only the tip of the iceberg, IMO, as to her psychological makeup.

 

 

Don't feel guilty by breaking it off and respecting yourself. Get out and go NC (no contact).

 

 

It is not your job to fix/save her.

 

 

You are not a bad person for showing yourself respect and instating your boundaries.

 

 

Please let us know how you get on.

[MadJackBird]

Doesn't sound good. The lack of boundaries seems like the biggest red flag to me. Some personality disorders seem to be showing itself. I would run, not walk away from this one.

[BluEyeL]

Agree with the others. She sounds emotionally unstable. Best idea would be to break it off now before you get in even deeper.

[No Limit]

She isn't selfish, she's just immature and irresponsible.

Keep her for FWB if you need, but do wear condoms. The number of syphilis has risen the past few years as newer reports show, and diseases like that can become really ugly when left untreated.

[PinkInTheLimo]

4. She was angry and upset when I said we should get STD tests recently. I have far fewer partners than her (one hand), but upon learning about that, and her wanton readiness to have sex with me without a condom... yeah. I'm scared. I'm getting tested myself and will followup with another test in 2-3 months. Anyhow at the suggestion of being tested she said that I "basically called her a whore". (hello, you slept with a lot of people). I insisted that it was about being smart and respecting our health and one another, and would lead me to be comfortable with her.

 

You sound like a responsible guy, although you should have proposed to be tested before you had sex.

 

As far as I am concerned, I will not have sex before we both get tested. This has 2 advantages: that you know whether you are safe or not but also the reaction to this proposal tells a lot about a person.

 

She is problematic and I would break up with her because she is not stable. For example, it could be that she was wild in the past and slept with a lot of guys but has matured, in which case she would totally accept that STD-test. In the case of this girl, she does on the one hand have sex with a lot of different guys but then gets shocked when you aks for the STD-test.

 

This all smells trouble. This girl has issues and she needs to solve them before she can be a good partner.

[PinkInTheLimo]

She went on to state "my testing 6 months ago was clean, and I don't think I slept with guys since then". Like it's ambiguous and she doesn't even know or keep track of her sexual health. That bugged me, certainly. I think her fear of seeming "slutty" overrode her ability to be truthful with me. I wouldn't be surprised if the count is more than 50.

 

I DON'T THINK I slept with guys since then ???

 

Djeezes, if she does not even remember it???

[Ruby Slippers]

we started dating 2 months ago.

I think that if you're having this many doubts so early, it's not a match.

 

She tells me 2 weeks ago that she's slept with "around 50 guys" and has lost count. To me that's a red flag that she may be hiding more. Perhaps not, but 50 alone is startling. She accumulated that many partners over her time at college and first year out of school.

I would be squicked out by this in a romantic partner as well and would not be able to relate. According to your info, she had about 1 different partner a month during college and just after. This tells me that to her, having sex is about as meaningful as blowing her nose. Not anywhere near to the way I view sex.

 

(but for 50...she's lackluster in bed)

I never understand why people assume high numbers = passion and sexual skill. I think a lot of people who have tons of sex partners are doing it because they have a problem - some dysfunctional itch that needs to be scratched over and over to reassure them of something, prove something. It often has nothing at all to do with true enjoyment of sex.

 

She was angry and upset when I said we should get STD tests recently. Anyhow at the suggestion of being tested she said that I "basically called her a whore". (hello, you slept with a lot of people). I insisted that it was about being smart and respecting our health and one another, and would lead me to be comfortable with her.

I met resistance with my last boyfriend when I insisted upon mutual STD tests, as I always do in a new relationship. So I said it was fine if he didn't want to get tested, but I wouldn't be having sex with him anymore until he did. And guess what? Then he got tested right away. I would do the same in your case.

 

I have tried. Whenever I bring up things and suggest she works on it, she "feels hurt" by my suggestions. I approach it very diplomatically though and say its not because I don't like her, but because I need my space to know I like her / and that some distance is healthy and will help us appreciate one another. Her past boyfriends have reportedly accused her of being "clingy" according to her and I can understand why. She said "they got me wrong, they said I was clingy...theres no such thing as clingy, it just means one person cares more than the other" (red flag?)

One person's clingy is another person's cuddly. If she's clingy to you, then she is. You've just got to lay down the law about what you will and will not accept. If she's not on board with that, she can find someone else to manipulate.

 

I enjoy some of our time together, but I'm conflicted on how I truly feel about her anymore. I feel it was a sort of bait and switch.

If I were you, I would pull back on time spent with her and then see how you feel. She sounds childish, manipulative, and self-centered. And this is only 2 months in - when things are supposed to be at THEIR BEST

[PinkInTheLimo]

2. I dated younger, purposely, as I know a great many women at 32 want kids/settle down and that's not something I'm looking for at this stage in life. I envision that I'll wait to late 30s before kids, likely. I know life doesn't follow a script, but this is my rough plan.

 

You date younger but that also means that you risk dating unstable women. Why not date a woman 2 or 3 years younger than yourself and advance the age you want to have kids a bit?

I think you somehow get what you deserve.

[Toodaloo]

The whole STD thing is a massive red flag... actually no... its a battleship with all guns pointed in the same direction...

 

I love sex. Its great, can't get enough of it... but, and here it is, I get tested between relationships regardless of condoms or no. If I have an inkling that something may be amiss down below I stop all ravishing and go and get checked.

 

If she is not sensible enough to realise that she is putting her own health as well as yours at great risk by not getting properly tested she is an idiot.

 

I would have no problem getting tested and I also ask that my partners are. I know a man in his 50's who slept with a grand total of 3 people (married them all) who had the clap... Numbers mean sod all. How well you look after yourself speaks volumes.

[ThorntonMelon]

Outside of the STD thing, there's nothing here that sounds particularly abnormal to me. Sure she screwed around but it's more common than you think and if she's clean, not a major issue. The daddy issues and never being in love, I think you can tell she's got some crazy, but we all do.

 

I think you sit her down and tell her that you are happy with the relationship and want it to grow, but it can't while you have disagreement on the STD test. It's not calling her a whore, it's something you want and expect her to understand and it has nothing to do with her past, it has to do with your wishes.

 

If she doesn't accept them I would end the relationship, because that would be a shining fire engine red flag.

[HappyLove]

Why exactly are you dating this person? I don't think you mentioned one good thing about her! I mean your really gonna risk your life just because someone is young? Well that's less than smart.

[LostOnes05]

Yeah, but hello, she was in her EARLY twenties when she had that many sexual partners. You're not fully developed at that age, you still have to learn how to "value the intimacy of sex" (and some never do). At that age, you are more in the experimental stage of your sexual life. So that wouldn't be a deal breaker for me necessarily.

 

However, it does seem like she wants to be taken care of. Does she have a stable job/friends/family? If she mentions daddy issues, she most likely has them, and that's always a problem in the long run, unless you're a caretaker type, and you don't sound like one TBH.

 

Yes....she should get tested. HPV is everywhere. Even though it's rather harmless for guys, it can cause cervical cancer etc., and you can be a carrier.

Since when should age be an indicator of maturity? I'm around the same age as her (I'm 27 yr old, male) and in my early twenties I didn't see the point in such behavior. Heck, I didn't see the point at 18. For me I would rather have sex with one person 100 times, rather than once with 100 different people. There is a difference. I'm not directing this to just women, but some men that I know hold value in having been with a lot of women. I've been around some some teenagers with a higher level of maturity than some 30 years that I know. Using her youth as a justification to make poor decisions is an excuse. So as she ages someone can say, "ohh she was young and in her 20s, 30s, 40s, etc". I understand that everyone is different and has their own way of viewing the world, but at what point does she become accountable for her actions? I mean the OP even said that at least 45 were over the span of 2.5 years. Do the math on that, that's 18 guys per year (there are only 12 months to a year)! But as those Kermit the Frog memes say "That's none of my business".