btrsmile Posted September 16, 2014 Share Posted September 16, 2014 Okay well I've been in a relationship with a guy for roughly a month. We had known each other and gotten to know each other quite well for about 4 months prior to deciding to start a relationship. He is everything I could ever hope for in a partner. I have dated absolute idiots in the past, in fact the reason it took us 4 months to get together was I was trying to exit an awfully manipulative and emotionally abusive relationship with my ex. Once I was strong enough to end it with him and kick him out, I started seeing my new man in a serious and committed sense. He is so different to anything I've ever experienced before. He genuinely cares for me, he makes my happiness a priority, he makes a point of showing and telling me daily how much I mean to him. He knows I've been through hell and back with my ex's and he has told me he wants to show me how I really deserve to be treated. He makes me feel like a princess telling me I'm gorgeous in every way, he is so proud to be with me, he wants me to meet his friends and family. On a deeper level, we share very similar values about family matters, money,work/home life balance, children and a number of other critical points. We both love to make the our partner smile and be happy. Problem is, I'm so used to being a doormat that I have an awful time accepting the reality of the situation and just enjoying the moment. Him showering me with compliments, making me feel so special and just being a beautiful person is so foreign to me. I would never tell him outwardly, but inside my heart I feel so insecure, kind of like I don't deserve all of this. He is so gentle and patient with me. He knows I struggle with my self esteem, and he accepts me just the way I am. I am just so worried he will leave me one day and this will all end, and I will in a sense have proved to myself that I REALLY don't deserve all of this. Can anyone explain to me why I'm thinking this way and how I can just enjoy things and stop worrying, and most of all how I can just accept all the lovely things he does for me. Link to post Share on other sites
sm2281 Posted September 16, 2014 Share Posted September 16, 2014 You do deserve it. Take the compliments, take it all. Take it with a grain of salt and smile let loose. it's okay to have fun. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 16, 2014 Share Posted September 16, 2014 You think this way because all of your experiences to date have been bad. You don't know how to process good. When you have these negative feelings, stop & acknowledge that you are having them. Point blank say to yourself, he's different & so I am allowed to expect a better result. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Assasda Posted September 16, 2014 Share Posted September 16, 2014 First of all, I dont believe in "emotional" abuse. If someone dont want to be "emotionally" abused, then they just dont take it. You contribute to your own emotional abuse. Maybe you dont deserve it, maybe youhabent been doing much, and he's just showing you with unneeded compliments, which is why you could feel this way Link to post Share on other sites
sdrawkcaB ssA Posted September 16, 2014 Share Posted September 16, 2014 Okay well I've been in a relationship with a guy for roughly a month. We had known each other and gotten to know each other quite well for about 4 months prior to deciding to start a relationship. He is everything I could ever hope for in a partner. I have dated absolute idiots in the past, in fact the reason it took us 4 months to get together was I was trying to exit an awfully manipulative and emotionally abusive relationship with my ex. Once I was strong enough to end it with him and kick him out, I started seeing my new man in a serious and committed sense. He is so different to anything I've ever experienced before. He genuinely cares for me, he makes my happiness a priority, he makes a point of showing and telling me daily how much I mean to him. He knows I've been through hell and back with my ex's and he has told me he wants to show me how I really deserve to be treated. He makes me feel like a princess telling me I'm gorgeous in every way, he is so proud to be with me, he wants me to meet his friends and family. On a deeper level, we share very similar values about family matters, money,work/home life balance, children and a number of other critical points. We both love to make the our partner smile and be happy. Problem is, I'm so used to being a doormat that I have an awful time accepting the reality of the situation and just enjoying the moment. Him showering me with compliments, making me feel so special and just being a beautiful person is so foreign to me. I would never tell him outwardly, but inside my heart I feel so insecure, kind of like I don't deserve all of this. He is so gentle and patient with me. He knows I struggle with my self esteem, and he accepts me just the way I am. I am just so worried he will leave me one day and this will all end, and I will in a sense have proved to myself that I REALLY don't deserve all of this. Can anyone explain to me why I'm thinking this way and how I can just enjoy things and stop worrying, and most of all how I can just accept all the lovely things he does for me. It took a good couple of years for my SM, as she never liked complements. So I changed up a bit on telling her directly. Just did things differently and indirectly pointed out her beauty in various ways. I guess what scares women is if a guy should be too direct about something that she may be shy about or feels that it is to intimate to be focused on. After time, you will be fore comfortable, once you realize your BF is really complementing you and not ogling your body. Everyone is a bit leary about how peeps come off with beauty. I too finally accepted what she has told me about what she sees in me as well. So we both grew to be fond of ourselves along with each other. Tell him that you are comfortable, but too much can be a bad thing. Also let him know you are getting accustom to realizing what he sees, and will be more accepting as things settle in. he will understand you, and time to time will probably slip a few complements in, just because. Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted September 16, 2014 Share Posted September 16, 2014 I am just so worried he will leave me one day and this will all end, and I will in a sense have proved to myself that I REALLY don't deserve all of this. You know what? He just might leave you. That kind of thinking has a funny way of being self-fulfilling. Hopefully, you'll learn to leave that **** at the door very soon, for your own good. Or maybe his purpose in your life is to fix you for the next one. Life is a process. Either way, good luck with the gift you've been given. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 16, 2014 Share Posted September 16, 2014 First of all, I dont believe in "emotional" abuse. If someone dont want to be "emotionally" abused, then they just dont take it. You contribute to your own emotional abuse. In a dating / romantic setting . . . maybe. People do have the option to get up & leave. However, there are some parents who cause an awful lot of emotional harm to their kids with some of the stuff they say. If that's the background, the person being abused sees that as the norm. Link to post Share on other sites
I am Bud Posted September 16, 2014 Share Posted September 16, 2014 Dear btrsmile The only reason that you are not able to accept the compliments of your new guy is because you have low self esteem and do not love yourself. Since you are not able to love yourself you are going to find it hard to open up to him and let him and anyone else love you. The reason that you were attracted to the idiots previously is because they confirmed and reflected what you have always thought about yourself. If you can learn to change your habits in how you feel about you, such as loving and accepting yourself then you are going to be able to accept his love for you and you are going to have a wonderful relationship. You owe this to yourself because he sounds like a keeper. All the best - Bud. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Assasda Posted September 16, 2014 Share Posted September 16, 2014 In a dating / romantic setting . . . maybe. People do have the option to get up & leave. However, there are some parents who cause an awful lot of emotional harm to their kids with some of the stuff they say. If that's the background, the person being abused sees that as the norm. Well I stand corrected. In regards to Kids, there can certainly be emotional abuse. In regards to kids, there can also be psychological abuse. Can 2 adults psycologically abuse each other, sure, if, they let each other do it. Can 2 adults emotionally abuse each other, sure, if they allow it. - The fact is, your lover is different from your parents, and people only treat you, how you let them treat you. So more specifically, I dont believe in Adult emotional abuse Link to post Share on other sites
sdrawkcaB ssA Posted September 16, 2014 Share Posted September 16, 2014 Dear btrsmile The only reason that you are not able to accept the compliments of your new guy is because you have low self esteem and do not love yourself. Since you are not able to love yourself you are going to find it hard to open up to him and let him and anyone else love you. The reason that you were attracted to the idiots previously is because they confirmed and reflected what you have always thought about yourself. If you can learn to change your habits in how you feel about you, such as loving and accepting yourself then you are going to be able to accept his love for you and you are going to have a wonderful relationship. You owe this to yourself because he sounds like a keeper. All the best - Bud. Bud you're a major downer. Some peeps are not so self oriented. Prefer to be seen from the inside. I do not have low selfesteem nor do I have the inability to be loved or love. Yet peeps like you really believe the BS you are dishing out. I just hope she takes you lightly. My SM is just like me, so strike another up for disproving you on such a convoluted theory. Peeps all all diff, just why does everyone want to put everyone else in the same boat when it comes to judgement. I would've let this pass but again, you are not the only one here that will give incorrect info to peeps that are not asking to be analyzed. Link to post Share on other sites
chimpanA-2-chimpanZ Posted September 16, 2014 Share Posted September 16, 2014 Because you aren't an idiot and you know that this relationship, like 99-100% of other romantic relationships in your life, will end. Because this guy makes you terrifyingly happy and you know the flipside of that would be terrifying sadness. Because you don't want to give this guy your heart, only to have it shattered to smithereens. These are all valid concerns and anyone who says otherwise is a lying sack of crap. However, you can't let them get to you. Just close your eyes and tell yourself "I can't know the future." You can't! Trying to protect yourself from future unhappiness will always fail because life will always find new ways to make you unhappy. The only thing we can know for sure about life is that sometimes it's going to suck, and it's going to suck a lot. Job losses, deaths, breakups, illnesses, car crashes, whatever; there will always be something new and painful on the horizon. That's not an excuse to stop living. All you can do is become as strong and resilient as you possibly can. You can't know the future. That's OK. Link to post Share on other sites
OwMyEyeball Posted September 16, 2014 Share Posted September 16, 2014 Bud you're a major downer. Some peeps are not so self oriented. Prefer to be seen from the inside. I do not have low selfesteem nor do I have the inability to be loved or love. Yet peeps like you really believe the BS you are dishing out. I just hope she takes you lightly. My SM is just like me, so strike another up for disproving you on such a convoluted theory. Peeps all all diff, just why does everyone want to put everyone else in the same boat when it comes to judgement. I would've let this pass but again, you are not the only one here that will give incorrect info to peeps that are not asking to be analyzed. The OP directly states that she struggles with self-esteem and feels her relationship with this guy is "undeserved" I agree with Bud on this one and don't see his advice as being all that convoluted or any way a downer. He's being pretty straightforward. If you can't accept yourself, it's difficult to deeply appreciate the acceptance of others. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted September 16, 2014 Share Posted September 16, 2014 do you feel like a wall comes up when he compliments you? A guard instead of simply appreciating the comment for what it is ....a nice thing to say to you..... over the years i have developed ptsd ....extreme physical abuse and emotional abuse....so i have coping mechanisms.....all of them are walls or barriers to people getting closer to me than i should let them be...many compliments i dont believe......so i take them graciously from the person who has said them not necessarily take them as gospel... the only way you are going to build trust in this guy is to take the compliments with grace and a smile......until you actually believe what he says to be true...it is going to take plenty of time...to get it right child(sorry ....thought of a song).... it is a matter of trust when you have someone treating you with respect and in other words good and used to someone treating you with disrespect and badly..... ...let your trust grow...you have been conditioned to accept the worst ....and all that needs is time for you to believe it.......you need reconditioning...reverse brain washing.......into believing you deserve more than what you have received in the past....therapy 101.....which i also suggest......you consider......is therapy ....talk therapy ....where you let go of the bad to make room for the good in that soul of yours...best wishes.......deb 1 Link to post Share on other sites
travelbug1996 Posted September 17, 2014 Share Posted September 17, 2014 That quote "we accept the love we think we deserve" comes to mind. You really have to work on your self worth. You had just ended a relationship and jumped into a new one. That may not have been the best thing since you really didn't give yourself a chance to process and work on yourself. You have some boundary issues that need to be addressed or you won't be able to receive love. You'll end up pushing this guy away. Next time don't jump so quick into a new relationship. Get into some counseling to see why you tolerated the abuse. Best wishes 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Elias33 Posted September 17, 2014 Share Posted September 17, 2014 Allow compliments in your life. Allow anything that is good. A wall that has been built to keep out the bad, may prevent you from experiencing the good. If this guy is amazing to you, allow him. You can't punish him for what has been done to you in the past by other guys. If this is guy is truly nice to you, isn't this the time to take the risk of lowering that barrier? If it isn't, when is? After all, the risk will always be there, love, much as life, has no guarantees, so fear it, or enjoy it. Good luck to you, relax, enjoy, you deserve it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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