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Fighting from the depths of the pity date or low interest level


Hanover Fiste

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There is nothing like that feeling of going on a date where you feel like the threads in the rope are just breaking away. It is usually hard to change the course of things once things turn to that point.

 

I met a nice woman online last week. She has a good career and is very passionate about social issues and is very involved with one particular social issue. She is intelligent and well-educated.

 

We talked on the phone once last week and it was a nice conversation. I did not talk to her for about two days after that before she sent me an email asking me what I had planned for the weekend. I asked her if she wanted to meet up for drinks and she accepted. We decided to meet up at bar that was a part of a place you can go to hang out for different types of entertainment such as bowling.

 

Online, she only posted pictures of her face and seem to have avoided providing full body shots. I assumed she had some insecurities about her weight or body. I thought I could handle it if she was a bit chunky since her profile and background was so solid plus she had a pretty face. I was pleasantly surprised to find her much more beautiful in person and she was not chunky at all. I was really taken aback by just how attractive she was.

 

We sat down at the bar and talked for about two hours and the conversation flowed. We talked about social stuff, music, entertainers and generally got to know more about each other. We smiled and made good eye contact. After two hours, she suddenly said she had to go to the rest room and when she came back, she stood by me and said she has to go soon. I thought that it was rather abrupt.

 

I didn't want to keep her knowing she was ready to leave so I pretty much told her it was ok if she had to leave. She immediately looked at the bill and asked if I wanted to split it but I told her I would pay it. She gave me a quick hug, said "take care" and walked out to her car.

 

 

I was not sure where I went wrong but I am sure I didn't. The conversation was good with no awkward silence. I accepted that maybe she just wasn't feeling a romantic type of chemistry. I decided I wasn't going to pursue things. She said "take care" and to me that meant I would not see her again.

 

She emailed me the next morning apologizing for leaving so abruptly but said she did not realize how late it had gotten. We met up at 9:30pm at her request and finally parted close to midnight. She said she "definitely enjoyed our conversation" and would like to meet up again if I was interested. I set up another date for 3 days from now. As I set it up, it took a long time for her to respond to my texts to set up the date.

 

This really has the feel of a pity date or at least a low interest situation. I think she felt bad that she left so abruptly last time after having a nice conversation with me. We both have great careers and share similar ambitions and status in society so I think she respects me on that level.

 

In my experience, it is very difficult to reel someone in from low interest situations or the pity date. I debated on if I should have just set up a simple date or go for a more nice one to see if I can tip the scale. Has anyone lucked out in the past and turned a situation like this around and got a good relationship out of it? I turned things around a couple of times in the past but they didn't last long. It was almost like delaying the inevitable.

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You're not at the point you want to reel her in or make a relationship out of it. You don't know her well enough yet. This by itself is a problem.

 

If she told you she was interested in meeting again, she is. For all you know she got a text message while on the date from someone that threw her off, or she all of sudden got tired, who knows. Just stop focusing on anything besides enjoying good company.

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Donno, sounds like she is looking to see who you are as a person first and foremost.

 

My SM did not want physicals to be part of our relationship until she was comfy with me enough to show her real self, being Internet is our only way to see each other.

 

Believe it or not a woman can see who you are by how you communicate wee things.

 

For example, I would jest with serious matters... not that they were issues at hand. More like as if...

 

Well needless to say she too them too seriously as if I expected things to be a certain way. It took some time, to realize she had issues about men thinking one way or another about her. She also did not like not having things straight forward. Which I am, but usually find it hard for the other to accept.

 

I realized since she was a strong headed woman, that the way I am in directness was more fitting to her needs. It seems that your date was strong headed, and now may think you are not compatible in some ways, and left it as that.

 

I guess what I am saying, is some women poking jokes to skirt or mock issues or lighten things up, may be taken negatively, when they want to see who you are as a person.

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You're not at the point you want to reel her in or make a relationship out of it. You don't know her well enough yet. This by itself is a problem.

 

 

Excellent point. You are right with this.

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I don't think this is pity.

 

I think this is a woman with a busy life trying to fit you in... If she wasn't interested she would not have bothered to say that she had a nice time. Have you considered that the reason it took a while is because she may have been checking and rearranging other things before saying yes?

 

I think you should go on another date and get to know her better.

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Update:

 

 

We eventually went on the second date and I felt I needed a lightweight miracle and I kind of got one. The date went better than I could have expected considering the situation.

 

This woman has some really good positive things going for her and she is really interesting. She has a good career, intelligent,s seems to have a nice personality and she is involved with some great social issues. I am really impressed with her. On the other hand, my resume is great and I think we match up well together on paper but I have a lot of dating experience so I can tell when I have a woman whose interest level is really on the fence and that is what I'm dealing with here.

 

Before our date, I was really trying to think of things I could do to turn things around. I figure I had to make our second date really good to push her over the edge in my favor. I just couldn't think of anything for this particular predicament so I figure it was just in faith's hand. I was just going to be myself and just hope for the best.

 

I kind of lost hoped while waiting for her to show up for our second date. We were texting each other while I waited for her then she start talking about us going dutch because she felt bad that she was a bit late. I thought it was probably just a reason to move things away from the intimate department but then things turned the corner when we went to the second part of our date.

 

I took her to a comedy club and we were seated up front. One of the comedians start cracking on me but he was actually making me look good with his jokes. I basically became a focal point for the comedians during the show but the jokes actually made me look really good in front of my date and the crowd. At one point, one of the comedians asked me what I did for a living and I told him. After I answered, you could hear other women in the crowd verbalized how impressed they were. They all verbalized it at exactly the same time. The comedian made a very funny comment about the women's reaction to my career and the audience erupted in laughter. Another comedian came on stage and he asked the crowd where is the guy who does so and so was seated. I raised my hand. He started really putting me into his act somewhat and actually walked over to shake my hand at one point during his routine. My date, kept looking at me with a big smile on her face through it all. She really enjoyed herself and she said it. I dropped her off, she stared into my eyes seeming to look for a kiss. I was going to kiss her anyway and I did.

 

I felt that I got my miracle. I was feeling great. That date seemed like it was sent special delivery from heaven. I asked her out again for tonight but she just cancelled on me a couple of hours ago. I'm not sure what to think about it but I think it is more in line with the overall experience I have had with her. I'm not out of the woods yet.

 

She did offer alternative days for a date but I can't help but to feel disappointed because she cancelled by text and I haven't had a cancellation for a date in about 2 years. This was the best record of my life and it doesn't look good that she cancelled so early in our dating. I still haven't replied yet. I'm not sure how I will handle this. Experience tells me I will lose this battle in the end. Early cancellations almost always never turn out well.

Edited by Hanover Fiste
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sheesh man.. I think you are totally over thinking everything. Just relax! .. And sometimes people really do have valid reasons for cancelling a date, especially if they are a single parent or have a demanding career.

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You said she contacted you the next day after the date. As long as this is true and she made the first contact and it wasn't a case of you texting her and her replying after you'd said you wanted to go out again, but she really did the asking, then forget about the insecurities because women usually only give in and do the pity date if they're pressured into it. If this was her idea, she wants to date you again! So lighten up and go have fun. You don't know her well enough to know what hours she keeps or what all is going on or how much sleep she needs. True, she might be on an earlier schedule, but who cares. Go have fun.

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sheesh man.. I think you are totally over thinking everything. Just relax! .. And sometimes people really do have valid reasons for cancelling a date, especially if they are a single parent or have a demanding career.

 

 

Thanks for your input, man. Most of all, thanks for reading that stuff. Think I am over thinking it? I was just thinking before I logged on here about how I probably have been around the block too much and sort of categorize my dates into certain groups of women I have dated in the past. Ironically, she fits into the same group of the last woman who cancelled a date on me.

 

I can just smell the set up at this point in the game. I am considering just prophylactically friendzoning her. She will still be someone very good to know either way. But I am relaxed. I can say that much. I found another date for tonight so that is good.

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You said she contacted you the next day after the date. As long as this is true and she made the first contact and it wasn't a case of you texting her and her replying after you'd said you wanted to go out again, but she really did the asking, then forget about the insecurities because women usually only give in and do the pity date if they're pressured into it. If this was her idea, she wants to date you again! So lighten up and go have fun. You don't know her well enough to know what hours she keeps or what all is going on or how much sleep she needs. True, she might be on an earlier schedule, but who cares. Go have fun.

 

 

After our second date, I actually contacted her. I texted her to let her know that I enjoyed myself and would like to do it again. She said she would love to so I set up today's date.

 

I accept both of your input here and will just lighten up some more and just date in the mean time.

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OP you sound like your self esteem is pretty low.

And that you need validation from people, to tell you how great you are.

 

You should know that youre great. No woman should validate that for you.

And if thats what youre looking for, youre in this for the wrong reasons.

 

You want to get to know her, you want her to know you. If she isnt impressed with you, who cares - this should be your state of mind.

 

No miracle happened on that second date, all she did was get to know you better

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OP you sound like your self esteem is pretty low.

And that you need validation from people, to tell you how great you are.

 

You should know that youre great. No woman should validate that for you.

And if thats what youre looking for, youre in this for the wrong reasons.

 

You want to get to know her, you want her to know you. If she isnt impressed with you, who cares - this should be your state of mind.

 

No miracle happened on that second date, all she did was get to know you better

 

 

Well not really. Self esteem is really not an issue for me. Not that I look for it but I get more than enough people in my every day life giving me great complements. I am quite satisfied in that area.

 

I just want to catch this woman. Any man can relate to that. She is not that type of person you meet online every day. I sincerely appreciate your input either way.

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Eh, my input? Seems like she's dating other people and someone else is higher up on the ladder.

 

 

Right! That is the same vibe I'm getting. I'm wondering who the hell could this person possibly be. I have so many great things going for me so I know that even though she is not someone you will run into online every day so am I. I thinking we make a great match. God clearly wants this (just kidding) but I am getting the vibe that I am plan B for her. I will just play it cool.

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Right! That is the same vibe I'm getting. I'm wondering who the hell could this person possibly be. I have so many great things going for me so I know that even though she is not someone you will run into online every day so am I. I thinking we make a great match. God clearly wants this (just kidding) but I am getting the vibe that I am plan B for her. I will just play it cool.

 

Yeah, I dont think youre at the stage to be thinking about any of this.

And I personally dont think women are "caught"

Youre not gonna "catch" a woman unless its not a quality girl.

 

So mpressing only goes so far, she has to be comfortable with you

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I think it's going ok...

 

Relax dude...

 

That's why I hate OLD, cuz, it's like you gotta make an impression or "next"...

 

But so far, I agree with most of the posters...she seems to be a busy woman and displayed interest in you.

 

I've been there too, I get busy at times and actually sorta ended up "fading" on some OLDs cuz by the time I could find time to make myself available, I felt awkward in hitting them up again after a long period of silence.

 

I've also went through that recently with a non-OLD situation (my crush)...and, now that I'm trying to come his way, there's some awkward moments and I'm not sure if he thinks it was cuz I had low interest...:confused:

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Update:

 

:D I ain't wearing this grin for nothing!

 

She set up our 3rd date. We went of to eat and learned more about each other. She was looking so sexy!! After we had a decent meaty conversation as we ate, we then went to listen to some live music. We made out a bit a this hall we went to. I couldn't keep my hands off of her. We had such a good time. After about 4 hours of hanging out, she said she had to head back home.

 

I was deciding how I was going to try to get myself invited up to her place when I dropped her off. Should I say something lame like "hey, aren't you going to invite me up" or should I put my hands were they didn't belong while I kissed her good night and induce an invite?

 

I decided that I would just put my hands where they didn't belong when I kissed her good night and induce an invite. I pulled up in front of her house, we started kissing, I put my hand in a nice place and she then invited me up to her place. Fifteen minutes later, we were having barbaric sex in her living room. It was great! It was like the scene out of a movie.

 

We had a great time. There was some cuddling afterwards and it was just a wonderful feeling. We are planning our next date now. I am hoping I "caught" her. I want to have all of her babies! :D

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