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What does it mean when he says" let's be friends first" ?!


Seva

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I met a guy about a month ago through my friends. He is very nice, polite and very successful. We have been in 3 dates since then. The problem is he does not text me at all.

His excuse is being busy and I know he's right as his colleague is my close friend. We have never had physical contact and even when we go out he never holds my hand. Last time we went to his place, it was late night and he even did not get close to me.

I decided to talk about all these things to him and he said all these are firstly because he's very busy and also he wants to be friends first! I insisted that if he's not interested let me know . I'm not pushing anyone but he said he is interested .

My question is what does he exactly mean of " being friends first"? Does it mean he's not interested in me? If so why he goes out with me despite being very busy and tired? Shall I wait for him? I respect him a lot and do like him.

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Daisy-oliviaWentcher

That's a bit of a tricky one

 

I think first of all, because it's only been three dates. There is no need to have all guns blazing in the first three dates. I actually think the courting process can take as long as you both feel ready. Why should there be a rush? you're both figuring each other out. And business, it is a real thing. Not a disease, but a real thing. Both guys that I was seeing for a wee bit, both came into my life in the most hectic times. I'm not exactly sure why that was, but it really did happen, and because I felt stressed all the time, the timing was way off and I couldn't commit to them as much as I'd like to have done. I wasn't playing them, I just couldn't give what they wanted. And if he wants to be friends first, I would consider that to be a great thing. It's really horrible after three dates that what the dude wants is sex immediately without getting to know you first, kinda of personally makes me feel cheep. But at LEAST he's taking his time. I'd wait a little bit, If you still feel in say a month or two that its not going anywhere, then give it a miss and find someone that wants the same things you want at the same pace.

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Two possibilities:

 

1. It means he thinks you might be a stage-5 clinger who will stalk his whole life and key his car if the relationship doesn't work out.

 

He wants to make sure you're not desperate or nuts.

 

2. He likes you to the point of intimidation and fears getting too close too fast and getting hurt. Could also be lack of sexual confidence or a small eggroll.

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. Women have to learn that some men are in contact with them sometimes just to pass time, or just to have some feminine energy in their life without having an actual intention of dating them. Sometimes they are not seriously looking for love at that point in their life and they do whatever is the minimum they can to keep talking to you, dating you once in a blue moon, having just an ego stroke, a therapist, or whatever else they need at the moment. That doesn't make them bad people, just people who are not seriously looking for love at that point.

 

I think this was put well by BluEyeL in another thread so it is worth quoting here.

 

 

Men don't want to be friends first. You see the fear of the friends first or friendzone by men all around this place. No way do we want friendship first with someone we are attracted to.

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I think this was put well by BluEyeL in another thread so it is worth quoting here.

 

 

Men don't want to be friends first. You see the fear of the friends first or friendzone by men all around this place. No way do we want friendship first with someone we are attracted to.

 

But he has lots of female friends, and the reason our friends matched us up was he was desperately looking for a GF and he's been single for 6 years now and yeah he's not been in dates even! The thing i don't understand is why he's asking me out if he's not that attracted to me.

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That's a bit of a tricky one

 

I think first of all, because it's only been three dates. There is no need to have all guns blazing in the first three dates. I actually think the courting process can take as long as you both feel ready. Why should there be a rush? you're both figuring each other out. And business, it is a real thing. Not a disease, but a real thing. Both guys that I was seeing for a wee bit, both came into my life in the most hectic times. I'm not exactly sure why that was, but it really did happen, and because I felt stressed all the time, the timing was way off and I couldn't commit to them as much as I'd like to have done. I wasn't playing them, I just couldn't give what they wanted. And if he wants to be friends first, I would consider that to be a great thing. It's really horrible after three dates that what the dude wants is sex immediately without getting to know you first, kinda of personally makes me feel cheep. But at LEAST he's taking his time. I'd wait a little bit, If you still feel in say a month or two that its not going anywhere, then give it a miss and find someone that wants the same things you want at the same pace.

Thanks Daisy , i just wanna make sure he's attracted to me that's why he's taking this time. I asked him though and he said he is interested and he does not believe in love in first sigh .

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Daisy-oliviaWentcher
Thanks Daisy , i just wanna make sure he's attracted to me that's why he's taking this time. I asked him though and he said he is interested and he does not believe in love in first sigh .

 

 

It could be a confidence issue or the fact that he's been off the market for six years that he's feeling apprehensive about dating. That's understandable. Perhaps just say to him that if he's feeling a bit scared that you are understanding. But if it is because he doesn't feel sparks, then it's best to let you go. Good luck :)

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IMO he's not into you that way yet and is waiting for his feelings to develop. I think you shouldn't have asked about it so early. You should have pulled back and allowed him to go at his own pace, allow for the connection to develop naturally. Three dates is early for such talk. Not all men want to jump right in. If he's not sure about you, which is understandable after just three dates, he doesn't want to get physical.

 

These being said, I dated a gorgeous man this year, a doctor, who did this to me. I only asked after three months and 9 dates of no physical contact, and I asked when I already decided to pull the plug because I've given him enough time. Told him not interested friends and it's been enough time.

 

The guy I'm currently dating only kissed me at date 7, but things are going beautifully. He said he just didn't want to jump into a relationship very quickly and he is the type of guy who isn't into casual. He said this himself, I didn't ask.

 

I would say to give people space to come into their feelings at their own pace, but decide how much time are you willing to allow for this uncertain stage. IMO it's more honest not to feign strong feelings immediately, but you also want to watch for the time wasters whonare dating you just because you're available and are not ready for a relationship, or not into you enough and kimds string you along.

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IMO he's not into you that way yet and is waiting for his feelings to develop. I think you shouldn't have asked about it so early. You should have pulled back and allowed him to go at his own pace, allow for the connection to develop naturally. Three dates is early for such talk. Not all men want to jump right in. If he's not sure about you, which is understandable after just three dates, he doesn't want to get physical.

 

These being said, I dated a gorgeous man this year, a doctor, who did this to me. I only asked after three months and 9 dates of no physical contact, and I asked when I already decided to pull the plug because I've given him enough time. Told him not interested friends and it's been enough time.

 

The guy I'm currently dating only kissed me at date 7, but things are going beautifully. He said he just didn't want to jump into a relationship very quickly and he is the type of guy who isn't into casual. He said this himself, I didn't ask.

 

I would say to give people space to come into their feelings at their own pace, but decide how much time are you willing to allow for this uncertain stage. IMO it's more honest not to feign strong feelings immediately, but you also want to watch for the time wasters whonare dating you just because you're available and are not ready for a relationship, or not into you enough and kimds string you along.

Thank you . Good advise. Actually a friend of mine who is a male friend as well advised me to talk about this and I'm now guilty for what I did :(

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It could be a confidence issue or the fact that he's been off the market for six years that he's feeling apprehensive about dating. That's understandable. Perhaps just say to him that if he's feeling a bit scared that you are understanding. But if it is because he doesn't feel sparks, then it's best to let you go. Good luck :)

Yeah that might be. He said he was scared in second date.

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I don't think he's interested in you. Some men can take their time to make physical contact, but if they're interested they'll still show it.

 

The thing is, as I've said before, a lot of men find it difficult to reject outright. A woman would just say "sorry, I'm not interested that way" but some men seem to worry that the woman who is interested in them NOW might be the only woman who'll be interested in them for a long time. These men take all that's offered in case nothing else comes along.

 

When he meets someone he's really into, watch how all of a sudden he doesn't want to take it slow or just be friends. And when you meet someone who's really into you, you'll see the difference.

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1. He is either not that into you

 

2.He is into you in a non romantic sense and wants to see if romance develops on his side because he feels you are a worthwhile candidate

 

3.He is not into you but wants to see if you will sleep with him as FWB

 

4.He is not into you but he is bored and lonely and you are nice enough so he entertains himself with you until a girl he is into comes along

 

Only in 2 is it worth pursuing.... my ex was a number two - he felt no true attraction or romantic chemistry and yet he thought I was different and very interesting.... he was into ME, the person, but minus the romantic feelings.

 

But then there are men and women for that matter, who weren't initially into one another but over time, grew to really love and appreciate each others company - sometimes two people will realise they have a burning passion hidden away somewhere.

 

Normally with option two, the chemistry was never mutual or there to begin with and it is based on mutual respect and adoration and mediocre chemistry at best.

 

So yeah, this guy isn't head over heals for you yet, but over time he may feel that way. OR, he may grow to love you as a person but never fall in love with you.

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Eternal Sunshine
I don't think he's interested in you. Some men can take their time to make physical contact, but if they're interested they'll still show it.

 

The thing is, as I've said before, a lot of men find it difficult to reject outright. A woman would just say "sorry, I'm not interested that way" but some men seem to worry that the woman who is interested in them NOW might be the only woman who'll be interested in them for a long time. These men take all that's offered in case nothing else comes along.

 

When he meets someone he's really into, watch how all of a sudden he doesn't want to take it slow or just be friends. And when you meet someone who's really into you, you'll see the difference.

 

Exactly. Men don't want to be friends because they are "scared" or afraid of getting "hurt". There are decent men out there who don't want to get sexual if they aren't sure they want a relationship with you. Some men are not even into casual themselves. Some are still into their ex or someone else.

 

I don't know his reasons but the reality is, he is not that interested. You shouldn't be sticking around.

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He's just not that into you....

 

....And treading carefully due to the friend connection through which you met and he's waiting for you to slip away quietly without having to spell it out to save face for all concerned.

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But he has lots of female friends, and the reason our friends matched us up was he was desperately looking for a GF and he's been single for 6 years now and yeah he's not been in dates even! The thing i don't understand is why he's asking me out if he's not that attracted to me.

 

 

Apparently he's not DESPERATELY looking for a GF.

 

I thought the "Let's be friend's first" was something already hard-coded into a woman's DNA. It just means that he wants to go out with no commitment with you. He's attracted to you, but he doesn't want you to expect anything exclusive anytime soon.

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Okay, is he older and richer and a player?

 

The only reason a guy wants to take it slow is because he's not physically attracted to you yet, but sees you as a nice enough person who he might one day trust enough with his money to be his "wife."

 

If he is a player, then he has other girls in the rotation, and doesn't want to lead you on if he has eyes on other women, and want to see if any of them are the one.

 

If he is older, divorced, and rich - then he basically doesn't trust you with his money yet. He wants to get to know you before committing to a relationship/marriage because he doesn't want to risk you taking away his money because of pregnancy/children.

 

He seems to like you, so give him a couple of months. But also consider dating other men or talking to other men, just in case he drops you.

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Okay, is he older and richer and a player?

 

The only reason a guy wants to take it slow is because he's not physically attracted to you yet, but sees you as a nice enough person who he might one day trust enough with his money to be his "wife."

 

If he is a player, then he has other girls in the rotation, and doesn't want to lead you on if he has eyes on other women, and want to see if any of them are the one.

 

If he is older, divorced, and rich - then he basically doesn't trust you with his money yet. He wants to get to know you before committing to a relationship/marriage because he doesn't want to risk you taking away his money because of pregnancy/children.

 

He seems to like you, so give him a couple of months. But also consider dating other men or talking to other men, just in case he drops you.

 

Hey thanks for your comment. No he is not rich, or old . Not sure about being a player, maybe! Maybe not physically interested in me or maybe he's dating other women as well. I have quite given up :D

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