Jump to content

Am I clingy if I don't want my bf staying out all night?


chelle21689

Recommended Posts

We have been together for three years and I basically live with him. Things are overall great, especially the past year once we learned to communicate better.

 

Anyways, I feel like lately the past three weekends he's been leaving be hanging to hang with the guys as a last minute thing and won't be home til the next morning. I completely trust him and know it's not cheating but this doesn't sit well with me at all because it's last minute and that he won't be home until x amount of time in the AM. He doesn't do this often at all, this just happened recently.

 

Two weekends ago after our friends birthday dinner, his other friend asked if he wanted his car to have a photoshoot. So they went downtown and took pics all nights and catching the sunrise in the photo...

 

Last weekend after dinner with his sis and her husband, they left us to go to a car meet. His sis didn't mind since she loved cars but we needed to do other things instead. He wasn't home til 2.

 

Tonight last minute, our friend from Indiana is in kinda in town (well I'm more so friends with his wife) in another city. So he drove last minute 2 hours to go hang with him to eat with the guys and go casino. He said he don't know what time he will be back but depending how late it is he will stay with our friend at the hotel...

 

I don't mind him going out with the guys even though I get lonely because I don't have friends. Just my cousin and sisters whom are all busy out of town and stuff. I just hate that it's last minute and he's out all night!!

 

We talked before he left and he said he can't control the plans that pop up esp if he and I aren't planning anything in particular. I just hate when I'm at work expecting to see him and then find out he will be gone. He said next time he will try consider how I feel but it's not like he does his all the time. BUT he has just recently..

Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't see any reason why concern for a sudden change in behaviour would be seen as "clingy"

 

Then again I don't even know what "clingy" means anymore. What's "clingy"? Asking that your partner show consideration for your point of view and concerns? Is that "clingy" these days?

 

Did he exhibit this kind of behaviour in the past?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

No, never. I mean once in a while the guys and their girls will get together and once in a blue moon the guys will have their own fun drinking and eating but we always meet up at night or he comes home at 12am which is fine.

 

But I guess if this was planned and I knew he was going to spend the night out of town with our friend nearby I would've been more "mentally" prepared for it. But him not knowing if he will spend the night there doesn't sit well with me. I think he will because it's far and the guys always drink and buy rounds for eachother.

 

We talked about this right before he left but couldn't in depth cuz his friend was with him. So when he gets back I wanna make my expectations more clear and why. Because I don't think he fully understood when it was a rushed talk.

Edited by chelle21689
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

So what exactly is your discomfort? That it is unplanned? If it were planned 80% of the time, you could live with it? That seems like an easy fix.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Does he ever invite you along on these outings, or do you feel you're being excluded? Would you want to go or can't stay out that late? The thing about taking photos and all that is a very specific thing, not a manufactured excuse. As far as if you worry about him cheating, well, a man can cheat in 20 minutes. So time isn't all that important there. Sounds like maybe he likes to go do things more than you or you work more or whatever. As long as he's letting you know he's staying out so you don't worry, not sure it should be a big issue as long as the late nights aren't keeping him for getting to work on time.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Well this wouldn't fly with me if my husband was out all night 3 weekends in a row. You can explain to him he is not a single guy and free to be out at all hours of the night with his buddies. Yes having a guys night out is fine, but not coming home is not something you do when in a committed relationship. I can see you are worried because he is now all of a sudden opting to be with his friends instead of going out and doing things as a couple. His excuses are just a bunch of crap, and he is being disrespectful of you and your feelings. If it was me I would give him an ultimatum, either he stops with these spontaneous adventures that you don't par take in or he out of a relationship. But before you do that, you both need to sit down and reassess your relationship....maybe he is bored, maybe he doesn't find you social enough to go out with, maybe he is unhappy with your relationship....now it's time to find out what is going on.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
DazedandConfused8
He doesn't do this often at all, this just happened recently.

 

Not true. You just said he's done this 3/3 of the past weekends.

 

Last weekend after dinner with his sis and her husband, they left us to go to a car meet. His sis didn't mind since she loved cars but we needed to do other things instead. He wasn't home til 2.

 

This is not "staying out all night" then.

 

Tonight last minute, our friend from Indiana is in kinda in town (well I'm more so friends with his wife) in another city. So he drove last minute 2 hours to go hang with him to eat with the guys and go casino. He said he don't know what time he will be back but depending how late it is he will stay with our friend at the hotel...

 

If this is your mutual friend, why didn't you go with him?

 

I don't mind him going out with the guys

 

This thread says otherwise ;)

 

You two need to sit down and have a conversation about what's appropriate and what isn't. You're obviously lonely and upset that he just ups and leaves you at the last minute without including you or inviting you. Yes, sometimes last minute things do pop up, but he needs to keep you in mind too. If these people are poor planners and just 'forget' to tell him until it's too late, then he needs to decline and ask for more notice next time.

Link to post
Share on other sites
DazedandConfused8
But I guess if this was planned and I knew he was going to spend the night out of town with our friend nearby I would've been more "mentally" prepared for it. But him not knowing if he will spend the night there doesn't sit well with me. I think he will because it's far and the guys always drink and buy rounds for eachother.

 

So part of your concern is what happens when he drinks. Has he done things after drinking before? Does he commonly drink excessively?

Link to post
Share on other sites

They are not in a committed RL...he's been "dating" her for three years and she moved in with him at some point.

 

Hun, even "if" you two were married, you gotta get a life outside of your RL - but not to the point where it interferes/neglects your RL.

 

Yes, him going out last minute and coming back late several days in a role does sound like the activities of someone who is single - but you two are not committed. Until he marries you, he can do what he wants.

 

I also think that you probably are resenting him cuz it's been 3 years and no ring, so now you are starting to nit-pick everything he does. So, since you are the one without a life outside of him, I gather it was you who wanted to move in with him?

 

He may also be beginning to take you for granted - I mean, by shacking up you've given him everything he would have gotten from a wife - without him having to propose to you.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't mind him going out with the guys even though I get lonely because I don't have friends.

 

This is your biggest problem right here.

 

You are miffed:

 

#1: Because he is going out and doing things without you.

 

#2: Because you have no options as far as going out with friends or family while he is out.

 

#3: You probably feel like his social life is more important than you.

 

 

 

 

Look, I don't know your WHOLE story, or his, but you definitely need to make him NOT be the center of your social life, because he's obviously doing a good job of it.

 

I had a girlfriend like this. She wanted me to make her the center of her universe. All if did was create resentment. She's my ex now, for many reasons and a thread like this was one of them.

 

And COMMUNICATE. If it bothers you, TELL HIM. If not, this is also a problem of yours as well. And don't nag him about it either, just talk to him.

 

Also, how old are you two?

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Not true. You just said he's done this 3/3 of the past weekends.

 

 

 

This is not "staying out all night" then.

 

 

 

If this is your mutual friend, why didn't you go with him?

 

 

 

This thread says otherwise ;)

 

You two need to sit down and have a conversation about what's appropriate and what isn't. You're obviously lonely and upset that he just ups and leaves you at the last minute without including you or inviting you. Yes, sometimes last minute things do pop up, but he needs to keep you in mind too. If these people are poor planners and just 'forget' to tell him until it's too late, then he needs to decline and ask for more notice next time.

 

I'm more so friends with his wife. I texted her tonight why she wasn't in town and sadly they're having issues after ten years but recently married and almost moved back to west coast :/ I hope they make it.

 

Thanks for advice everyone!!

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
This is your biggest problem right here.

 

You are miffed:

 

#1: Because he is going out and doing things without you.

 

#2: Because you have no options as far as going out with friends or family while he is out.

 

#3: You probably feel like his social life is more important than you.

 

 

 

 

Look, I don't know your WHOLE story, or his, but you definitely need to make him NOT be the center of your social life, because he's obviously doing a good job of it.

 

I had a girlfriend like this. She wanted me to make her the center of her universe. All if did was create resentment. She's my ex now, for many reasons and a thread like this was one of them.

 

And COMMUNICATE. If it bothers you, TELL HIM. If not, this is also a problem of yours as well. And don't nag him about it either, just talk to him.

 

Also, how old are you two?

I'm 25 he's 24. Even when I do have plans I still don't feel right with the being out all night til 5am.

 

I am ok with guys nights which they've done before (sometimes last min) but it always led to the girls joining later or him coming home around 12-1a. It's the not knowing when he'd be home that irks me most

Edited by chelle21689
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Does he ever invite you along on these outings, or do you feel you're being excluded? Would you want to go or can't stay out that late? The thing about taking photos and all that is a very specific thing, not a manufactured excuse. As far as if you worry about him cheating, well, a man can cheat in 20 minutes. So time isn't all that important there. Sounds like maybe he likes to go do things more than you or you work more or whatever. As long as he's letting you know he's staying out so you don't worry, not sure it should be a big issue as long as the late nights aren't keeping him for getting to work on time.

 

No I'm not worried about cheating at all. I was able to tag along on the car shoot or car meet but I'm not interested at all but he had the choice to continue to stay with me or go. I didn't care hat he went but he had no idea when he would be back and it ended up being near 5am one time and 2am another. Just like tonight he has no idea when he'd be back but confirmed he won't be staying the night there.

Link to post
Share on other sites

If it was just a very occasional thing, I'd be fine with it, but it seems to be more than that. IMO people jump on the 'clingy!' bandwagon way too quickly - lots of couples have full lives of their own and STILL aren't necessarily going to be okay with their SO spending an entire night with friends 3 weekends in a row. Some people are okay with it but some aren't, and that is their right.

 

Is there a reason you are never invited to his friends and family's gatherings? I get that sometimes it is a 'guys night' but the situations you mention do not seem to be the case.

 

Have you talked to him about this? A compromise could be worked out, otherwise perhaps the two of you just aren't compatible.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
If it was just a very occasional thing, I'd be fine with it, but it seems to be more than that. IMO people jump on the 'clingy!' bandwagon way too quickly - lots of couples have full lives of their own and STILL aren't necessarily going to be okay with their SO spending an entire night with friends 3 weekends in a row. Some people are okay with it but some aren't, and that is their right.

 

Is there a reason you are never invited to his friends and family's gatherings? I get that sometimes it is a 'guys night' but the situations you mention do not seem to be the case.

 

Have you talked to him about this? A compromise could be worked out, otherwise perhaps the two of you just aren't compatible.

 

 

I've been going to family dinners and stuff. It seems like spouses and significant others often go now. I mentioned in the above post that we talked about it briefly before he left. Like the last paragraph.

 

Three weekends in a row but like not all weekend just the Saturdays or Fridays. Just wanted to clarify it if that makes any difference.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I would wait to see what happens in the next few days and weeks. He knows you are unhappy about this. If he doesn't change his tone, reassure you in some way and make some concessions that show you are still very very important to him, it may be time to reevaluate where you are as a couple. I hope it turns out for the best but be prepared if something changes.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You guys are young.

 

The reason I asked for age is because if he was 55 and this was an ongoing problem, I could see this as a HUGE red flag.

 

But at 25/24, I can tell you, I was this guy too. I wanted to go out and be out and stay out and do whatever I wanted to do without having to tell anyone what to do.

 

If him not giving you a time estimate of when he is coming back, then something needs to happen. Express to him that you worry when he is out til very late at night because anything could happen to him.

 

Unfortunately, I don't think he'll change his behavior unless he realizes that he needs to hang out in moderation... which may create grounds for resentment towards you because he might feel you are reigning him in. You need to be very careful in how you tell him, if you haven't already.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

You need to expand your social circle so you can get out more yourself independently of your bf.

 

You can't heap all your needs on a 25 year old guy. You'll lose him.

 

If you were getting out you wouldn't care that he was. Youd appreciate the time apart and more importantly the time you then spend together.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I've already old him and he said he will consider me next time. Like I said before, yeah it sucks if I don't have plans and he's gone but that's not what bothers me most. It's the very late don't know when he will be back type of thing. Again, he's had guys nights which never bothered me but if it's really really late and no idea what time frame is an issue.

 

I notice most men seem to do that. Sorry to stereotype but it's just what I've noticed. Even when we play sports Sundays he will call the guys and the girls and not know who's showing up or who's bringing the ball. That's how they do that.

 

On the other hand when us girls tried planning nights out the always never then out because everyone's to wishy washy on wants and their availability.

 

Anyways, yeah we will see how it turns out. I'll also try to make more nights out with girls without him wether he does have plans or not.

Link to post
Share on other sites
DazedandConfused8
I am ok with guys nights which they've done before (sometimes last min) but it always led to the girls joining later or him coming home around 12-1a. It's the not knowing when he'd be home that irks me most

 

This is the question that we've asked that you're not answering: why? Why is his coming home at 2am an issue, but coming home at 12am isn't?

 

Is it because he drinks to excess when he's out late?

 

Are you afraid he'll cheat on you if he's out too late?

 

Does he use drugs when he's out drinking?

 

Are you afraid he'll do something stupid (e.g. drive drunk) and get arrested?

 

Him coming home late is the symptom, it's not the problem you're really having ;)

Edited by DazedandConfused8
Link to post
Share on other sites
DazedandConfused8
I notice most men seem to do that. Sorry to stereotype but it's just what I've noticed. Even when we play sports Sundays he will call the guys and the girls and not know who's showing up or who's bringing the ball. That's how they do that.

 

Okay, then he's just not organized. lol Maybe it's just a personality trait that as a grown man he doesn't feel like he should have to plan things or have a "curfew" or bedtime where he absolutely must be home by. If you enforced it you'd be creating a parent-child relationship and become his mother.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Okay, then he's just not organized. lol Maybe it's just a personality trait that as a grown man he doesn't feel like he should have to plan things or have a "curfew" or bedtime where he absolutely must be home by. If you enforced it you'd be creating a parent-child relationship and become his mother.

 

Bingo.

 

And that's the problem with how she needs to word her frustration. If all she wants is for him to text, "Coming home later, don't wait up."... verbalize it.

 

Problem is, at that age, she might say... "I want you home by 2 AM"

 

His response could be, "Why?"

 

And then what? It's a curfew just for curfew's sake.

 

And yes, it is kind of a guy thing to plan stuff and just say whoever shows up, shows up. But at least we keep those plans. I've bore witness to the wishy washiness of women flaking on each other for plans. But I've also bore witness to people losing track of time while they were out. Still, out of consideration, if I were living with someone, I might give them a heads up that everything is okay and I'm staying out a little later.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...