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How can I change my view towards women who has had sexual experience?


serges

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'm not a virgin and i had sex with my ex gf of 3 years. i am 20 year old now and still single while she already has new boyfriend. I am fine now living my life without her but I have been thinking about this for very long. I put myself in her new bf shoes, imagining if I got to know every details of what she and I had done. I would definitely be so disgusted by it that i will view her differently. I know that everyone has a past and so am I. However, I cannot comprehend how people can overlook sexual events like this. I know I am going to receive comment like I have a shallow mind, immature and have low self esteem. I just need someone to tell me how they manage to get over this insecurity. I know i do not have rights to ask for a virgin and i certainly do not want to be a hypocrite. I want to learn why i am like this towards sex. Why do i think that women who has experience is a turns off for me.

 

I just cannot imagine myself be with someone who has had sex or even more partners than me. What should i do? Should I consult counselor? or pay more for therapy sessions?

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Sex is enjoyable for both men and women. - Understand that now.

 

If straight guys are having sex, they are having sex with women, who also enjoy sex.

Women are not innocent creatures to be coddled. They are just like men, they have faults. They rob banks, they kill people, they steal. They have impure thoughts.

 

You might want to read up on the Madonna-whore complex, and see if you can solve your own problem

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What a brave question. I think that you have a lot of self-awareness to acknowledge your own views towards women's sexuality.

 

I have an answer for you. You have the words "disgusting" and "sex" within the same paragraph.

 

So what that tells me is that somewhere inside of you, you feel that sex is disgusting.

 

In other words, you have a belief that sex is wrong, unclean, dirty, nasty or bad.

 

You have not accepted sex as a natural part of life, and you don't see that sex is more than just a physical act. Sex also serves the purpose of healing, creating, and bonding.

 

But you're not alone. Most people in the modern, Western world feel that sex is shameful. You probably picked up this attitude just by being a part of society. We try to deny that we have sex and run away from this, even though we are still animals. Of course this leads to all kinds of problems.

 

I recommend The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida, and his other book, Finding God Through Sex. You might be too young for it, but who knows.

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Do the new women you are with get to be disgusted because you are not a virgin? Your EX didn't have sex by herself.

 

Double standards have to go.

 

You should seek more insight into your views from a counselor or therapist to understand your perspective.

 

If you view sex as so wrong, you should also stop having it. Date & marry a virgin & do not have sex again until after your union has been blessed by whatever organization you deem appropriate for such things.

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I have a different take. I think you are very emotionally invested in sex, and what you think is disgusting is when somebody is not.

 

I think that it is inconceivable to you that somebody would have sex with a person once they've already given of themselves that much (emotionally) to another.

 

I also think that you'll need to come to terms with this after you have sex with somebody else. I think you're going to deal with being a bit of a hypocrite on this issue for a while, recognizing that multiple partners is inevitable in this day and age, and that you'll participate in it, but still not like it.

 

You'll probably experience sex with a person you don't care that much about... and it won't matter nearly as much to you. Or, you might spoil a relationship because you are, in essence, jealous of that person's historical feelings towards another.

 

Eventually, nature and maturity will hopefully allow you to leave those negative feelings behind.

 

Every guy would like to be the first and only one...to guys, it is a measure of devotion. But most of the time, you are not the first one. You'll learn to live with it.

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I once thought like the OP when I was much, much younger. I thought about it and came to the conclusion that I have absolutely no right what so ever to judge the other sex based on their sexual pasts. What if I were born female and where judged as such for my past? I wouldn't be impressed. If anything as I've gotten older I've very much come to appreciate partners that bring experience into a relationship. We are all sexual creatures and sex is a beautiful thing shared and enjoyed by both genders. I think the OP should dethatch himself from the socially imposed dogma that "sex is dirty" or "sex is bad" or that x number of partners for a woman somehow earns them a label? Enjoy your partner in a non judgmental way as an equal and talk to them. There's a lot to learn :)

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You may want to try therapy for this one.

 

What's important is that you've recognized this about yourself, you know it's intrusive and you want to correct it. A good therapist can help you unravel the link between sex and disgust then identify ways to move past it.

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Hey OP: you're getting some good advice above so I won't dog pile on. But I did want to just call you out and say that the fact that you're asking these questions in such a productive and introspective way says a lot. I have full confidence that you'll be able to work through your issues with the right guidance be it from a book or a therapist. The only thing I will toss out there is that it isn't the end of the world if you can't work through these issues. In that case you just have to realize you have a very traditional and conservative view about sex and should pursue a life accordingly - stop having sex, find a virgin and marry her (and wait until you get married for sex). I don't personally think that's a good life to pursue but we all have to make choices. The key is to make sure the life you lead is aligned with your own moral code.

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The last thing I want is a virgin. The women who rock it in the sack are comfortable with their bodies and may not have a high number per se, but they have been in a relationship or two for an extended period of time. You don't learn how to have good sex with a bunch of one night stands, you learn in a comitted relationship where you are comfortable, can explore new things and get feedback.

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Dude, don't worry about your ex, or what her boyfriend *might* think. That's none of your business.

 

I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting a partner with less (or more) partners than you yourself have. That's a preference. What I don't agree with is passing judgement on women as a whole who've had more partners. Do YOU still wish to have sex? I'm sure you do. Well, sex is enjoyable to most people, including women.

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Hey guys, i am really appreciative to see so many people giving great advises to me. Just a little background about me.

 

I loved my ex girlfriend a lot a lot. I broke me into million pieces to know that she got herself a new boyfriend after just 3 months while I was still grieving for the breakup. I always thought i would marry her one day and both of us could be each other first and forever. It has been 8 months I have been single and still think of the past when my ex and I used to have a lot of kinky and meaningful sex. It just pains me every time to think that she does not value me as much as i did. Especially after all the things and words we exchanged.

 

Now it is like i wont be able to love a girl fully if she had been sexual with guys before.

 

Nonetheless, i am still thankful for all the replies. The insights are great. Thank you.

Edited by serges
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  • 2 weeks later...
Hey guys, i am really appreciative to see so many people giving great advises to me. Just a little background about me.

 

I loved my ex girlfriend a lot a lot. I broke me into million pieces to know that she got herself a new boyfriend after just 3 months while I was still grieving for the breakup. I always thought i would marry her one day and both of us could be each other first and forever. It has been 8 months I have been single and still think of the past when my ex and I used to have a lot of kinky and meaningful sex. It just pains me every time to think that she does not value me as much as i did. Especially after all the things and words we exchanged.

 

Now it is like i wont be able to love a girl fully if she had been sexual with guys before.

 

Nonetheless, i am still thankful for all the replies. The insights are great. Thank you.

We've all been there and done this.. at least those of us older than yourself. When I was with my "first gf" I was sure I'd be with her and she with me. Guess what, we split up and by the next weekend she was out with another guy lol! I wasn't impressed at the time but I had to push on which I did. These things are life experiences. Sometimes relationships have a shelf life and the things said and done within the life of that relationship where and are real while they happened. If I where you I'd remember the positive moments from the relationship. Take a third person perspective on the relationship and see what you can learn, what went wrong, what did you do, what did she do. Then get out there, meet other women and in time you'll be less interested in your ex and more interested in your new gf.

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Ninjainpajamas
Hey guys, i am really appreciative to see so many people giving great advises to me. Just a little background about me.

 

I loved my ex girlfriend a lot a lot. I broke me into million pieces to know that she got herself a new boyfriend after just 3 months while I was still grieving for the breakup. I always thought i would marry her one day and both of us could be each other first and forever. It has been 8 months I have been single and still think of the past when my ex and I used to have a lot of kinky and meaningful sex. It just pains me every time to think that she does not value me as much as i did. Especially after all the things and words we exchanged.

 

Now it is like i wont be able to love a girl fully if she had been sexual with guys before.

 

Nonetheless, i am still thankful for all the replies. The insights are great. Thank you.

 

I don't know why people always think something like this is "rare" and dysfunctional thing among guys, it's not uncommon and if you need therapy so do a billion other guys...sometimes when I read a thread like this it makes me wonder "When's the last time you ACTUALLY talked to young guys about how they view women in sex?" it clearly shows a huge lack of understanding, because if people had any kind of real life experience, none of this would really be all that shocking.

 

So first off OP, don't feel defective over feeling this way. I've talked to quite a few young guys about this (I talk to people on a regular basis from different cultures and perspectives of different age groups in REAL LIFE) and it's not an uncommon theme that I've heard at the least from that age group especially. Men in general do not favor the promiscuous girl when it comes to relationship material by preference.

 

As far as your issue, It seems influenced by heart-ache and heart-break...I know it seems shocking that someone who proclaimed to love you or at least you thought did so quickly and immediately went into the arms and bed of another man...but unfortunately that's how it works, people often rebound from relationship to relationship, especially while young and needing so much validation and attention.

 

This is something you'll need just get over with and move on with your life, in time you will move on if you actually CHOOSE to move forward. Stop letting all the things in your mind play with your conscious, stop moaning and self-loathing in these memories and the past, stop living in the past.

 

Let her go emotionally and move on, put her out of your mind...it doesn't mean it's an easy task, but you can't see her as the "one who got away" and be forever miserable in the fact that she was over you and out of your life and already moved on with hers while you sit there disappointed over the whole thing. Like I said, people can move on pretty first from relationship to relationship, they've got their own needs and issues and once one person stops feeding the need they go on and latch onto someone else.

 

You've just got to simply move on and forward, love can hurt and mess with your head but you're young and young love is not going to be the same as it is when you get older. Don't carry, and arbor these emotions and feelings with you from relationship to relationship, accept it for what it was and try not to carry any judgments and thoughts forward with you, you still have a lot to learn and you won't be thinking about her so much once you do make the choice to let go of the past.

 

It's harder for some people to move on, some people are more emotional and sensitive...others are equally so but instead handle things in a different way than you do, don't dwell too much on her behavior and what she did, I can't say another girl wouldn't do the same but that's why you live in the moment in your relationships...the hard truth is, once they are that person can surprise you and everything can change, even your perspective of them...people simply have faults and weaknesses, and you have to recognize you have your own as well.

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Now it is like i wont be able to love a girl fully if she had been sexual with guys before. .

 

But are you going to expect a woman to love you fully even though you have had sex before? this is where my concern lies.

 

I'm not suggesting that you can't have standards or that it's wrong for you to prefer someone who has limited experiences but somebody's sexual past is only one aspect of who they are. As you get older it will also become more & more unlikely that you will find a virgin.

 

Look at the big picture. You were wrong about this woman who broke your heart. Is it possible that you are wrong about anything else? Wouldn't it be better to find somebody who maybe had 1-2 prior partners, knows what she doesn't want & then made a fully informed choice to spend the rest of her life with you rather than somebody who doesn't know any different / better?

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chimpanA-2-chimpanZ

I think it's normal for men and women (although men moreso than women) to avoid thinking about their partner's past sexual experiences. And mmany people are uncomfortable with promiscuity. What's not normal is feeling like you can't love a woman who's been sexually active AT ALL before when you yourself are sexually active. In doing so you're essentially resenting her for having a life.

 

Try thinking about it this way: if you dated a girl who had never had sex or a relationship before, would you trust her when she says "I love you"? How would she know? She's never been with anyone else. How would you be able to please her in bed if she doesn't know what she likes? She would never have any standard of comparison to know what's good in bed or what isn't. You would be all she knows.

 

If any of that sounds genuinely appealing to you, then that means you feel a desperate need to have total control over a woman's sexual choices. That's bad. Can you imagine telling a date "I want to be the only sexual experience in your life"? She'd laugh so hard she suffocated to death. Are you really so insecure that you can't bear the thought that a woman may have been with someone else?

 

You should respect a woman for making her own choices. And you should be flattered when she wants to take you to bed, because that means she genuinely knows what she likes...and she likes you.

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'm not a virgin and i had sex with my ex gf of 3 years. i am 20 year old now and still single while she already has new boyfriend. I am fine now living my life without her but I have been thinking about this for very long. I put myself in her new bf shoes, imagining if I got to know every details of what she and I had done. I would definitely be so disgusted by it that i will view her differently. I know that everyone has a past and so am I. However, I cannot comprehend how people can overlook sexual events like this. I know I am going to receive comment like I have a shallow mind, immature and have low self esteem. I just need someone to tell me how they manage to get over this insecurity. I know i do not have rights to ask for a virgin and i certainly do not want to be a hypocrite. I want to learn why i am like this towards sex. Why do i think that women who has experience is a turns off for me.

 

I just cannot imagine myself be with someone who has had sex or even more partners than me. What should i do? Should I consult counselor? or pay more for therapy sessions?

 

So if you were another guy, you'd be disgusted by the sex YOU had with her? So you must be pretty disgusted with yourself, then, because it takes two to have sex.

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Your thoughts are not anything out of the ordinary. I still don't like to date overly promiscuous women, even though I had a bit of a promiscuous stage myself.

 

If you want a virgin, you are well in your rights to try and date one. Doesn't mean she will date you though. It's really hard to find a virgin these days. I've never once had sex with a virgin.

 

Keep in mind that there are a lot of women out there like you. They may have done all kinds of sexual things with a past boyfriend thinking he was "the one" and they would be married, and be together forever, just for that guy to walk out on her.

 

 

No kidding...especially when parent are letting the kids have bf/gf as early as age 13, and leave these kids in their own rooms with door closed for privacy. Studying they are not

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What should i do? Should I consult counselor? or pay more for therapy sessions?

 

You probably do have some slightly unhealthy opinions about sex, so maybe therapy would help you.

 

But look, honestly, yeah, it's unpleasant to think about your partner being intimate with someone else. So it's something that you just put out of your mind and try not to think about - the same way you try not to think about your parents having sex, or the cleanliness of the restaurant you're eating in, or your carbon footprint, or whether your airplane will crash. It's kind of just one of those things that you have to not concern yourself with so that you won't lose your mind and can live a normal life.

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