Dating the booty-call guy, yet what is the psychology behind his jokes?

[ja123]

I've been dating the booty call guy for 3 months now.

 

 

It's been more than a booty call with daily contact (initiated mostly by him), social visits/excursions, exclusivity talk, him calling me at my family's when I was away, etc.

 

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/479428-could-anything-more-than-booty-call

 

 

There are many issues, so this deal is losing its luster to put it mildly. In spite of it having the hallmarks of a "real" relationship, it isn't in my mind. There's something phony about it. Anyhow, that's too big in scope for this thread.

 

 

I'd like your feedback, however, on the psychology of his jokes.

 

 

Here are some examples:

 

 

1- We've had a nice time together at a movie downtown, yet when we got off at our stop (both live next to the same subway) he takes my hands and looks into my eyes and says that it was a nice evening and now he's got to get going. He looks very serious, so I say okay (baffled look on my face) and start to move away. Then he laughs and says he was joking. (So, he comes to my place which is closer).

 

 

2- Another time he leaves my place, then knocks on the door saying that he wants to come back in as he thinks I'm so wonderful and that he can't bare to leave. Gullible me, I believe it with a big smile. Then he comes in and grabs his hat, and laughs, and leaves.

 

 

3- He was to come to a home-cooked dinner at my place, after he finished helping his friend move. Then he calls to say that he's not coming, he's going to stay with his friend. When I'm upset, he laughs and say it was a joke. He ends up coming over, and we had a nice time.

 

 

4- The last time (recently), he invites me to his place to discuss an application renewal he's making. But before anything is discussed, he sits me down and says, "Let's f*ck because it'll be the last time as I have to leave to go back to my country." This time I didn't laugh or become upset, I just calmly looked at him and said, "Yeah, let's do that." He nervously laughed and looked down. Then he got serious and started discussing the matter.

 

 

Anyhow, what type of person jokes like this?

 

 

What's in his mind?

 

 

What's his end-game?

 

 

Thanks!

Edited September 7, 2014 by ja123

[Assasda]

This guy sounds Hilarious.

 

See guys. Look how this guy operates.

He's fun, his playful he's witty.

He has a booty-call arangement, that this girl agrees to. He's not any *******, he's completely up front about it

[Emilia]

This guy is playing a very cruel game with you because he doesn't care about how abandoning you makes you feel. You are even allowing yourself to be desensitised to it. He has no love or respect for you.

[ja123]

Thanks for the replies.

 

It confirms what I was thinking. (Especially, if someone like Assasda is lauding the guy. haha) And yes, Emilia, becoming desensitized is not a good thing.

 

I'm not against the FWB/booty call situation, if that's what it is and I am "free". It's just that this guy is also going though the motions of trying to lock-me down for a relationship which isn't real. So, this is creating dissonance, and I'm feeling trapped and want to get out.

 

I've distanced myself from him the last 2 days, although he called.

 

Tonight, I'm pulling the plug.

Edited September 8, 2014 by ja123

[Emilia]

Thanks for the replies.

 

It confirms what I was thinking. (Especially, if someone like Assasda is lauding the guy. haha) And yes, Emilia, becoming desensitized is not a good thing.

 

I'm not against the FWB/booty call situation, if that's what it is and I am "free". It's just that this guy is also going though the motions of trying to lock-me down for a relationship which isn't real. So, this is creating dissonance, and I'm feeling trapped and want to get out.

 

I've distanced myself from him the last 2 days, although he called.

 

Tonight, I'm pulling the plug.

 

Good girl. Those guys want 'relationships' on their own terms. To come and go as they please but you would be still expected to play the girlfriend. There many much nicer men around.

[Haydn]

Hi Ja,

 

 

sounds like he thinks he has you on a piece of string. No respect for you. I wonder how he would find it funny if he was on the receiving end? Even a Fwb should not take things for granted. You are making the right decision.

[Jules Dash]

I don't like this guys sense of humor. He may not mean any harm but his "jokes" creates a roller coaster of emotions in relatively short intervals. They carry a hint of mind games. Some people just joke around like this but it really is a poor man's substitute for true wit and clever humor.

[ja123]

Hi Ja,

 

 

sounds like he thinks he has you on a piece of string. No respect for you. I wonder how he would find it funny if he was on the receiving end? Even a Fwb should not take things for granted. You are making the right decision.

 

Thanks, Haydn.

 

 

He doesn't like it that's for sure. I feel ashamed to say that I tried a bit of his own medicine on him. My mistake was engaging in such a way and not A) breaking it off completely and immediately; or B) (if I wanted it to stop and give the "relationship" a chance) to tell him with "I" statements how his behavior makes me feel. That would have provided a chance to have a mature discussion and offer each the chance to grow.

 

 

Honestly, I feel I've regressed in my communication skills in this situation with him. I need to figure out why. I'm really not proud or happy with myself right now, I can tell you.

 

 

The only thing that comes to the top of my head, without reflection, is that I didn't really want it to work anyway. Mainly because he's not LTR material for me, as we don't have enough in common, and partly because I've become emotionally unavailable due to past relationship trauma and hurt.

 

 

I had a previous FWB where there weren't any games and we could hang out (even socially) with mutual respect. But, there wasn't the physical carnal attraction like I have with this guy.

 

 

As much as I hate to admit it, I played myself because I'm just as much of a liar as he is. I was stringing him along, too, just to keep the source of sex going.

 

 

I feel really sh*tty about myself. One can behave "honourably", if you will, even for an FWB. And I haven't.

 

 

Yep, I'm sure feeling like crap.

 

 

I don't like this guys sense of humor. He may not mean any harm but his "jokes" creates a roller coaster of emotions in relatively short intervals. They carry a hint of mind games. Some people just joke around like this but it really is a poor man's substitute for true wit and clever humor.

 

 

You are quite right: it has created a roller-coaster of emotions. I would normally have extracted myself faster from such a situation, only the sex was really good.

 

 

And, yes, I completely agree that this is a poor man's substitute for cleverness and wit. Good point. It makes me feel better to see it clearly identified as such.

 

 

Thank you!

Edited September 8, 2014 by ja123

[Mrin]

Honestly, it kinda sounds like PUA bull**** to me. Not sure if he's consciously doing it but it seems like his running some sort of push-pull game. Maybe even negging you. Which is so stupid to do with an established FWB. If you have an established FWB the only thing you should be concerned about it doling out and receiving really good B's to keep the F alive.

[preraph]

I think underlying his "jokes" is a cruel and sadistic person who enjoys making women suffer and/or grovel. He's not funny at all. He's a dick. He's also blowing up his own ego by seeing you crestfallen.

 

Don't feel bad. You've taken a look at your part in it and now you'll process it and learn from it. Then just move on.

Edited September 8, 2014 by preraph

[ja123]

Thanks a million for the replies!

 

 

This is really giving me the chance to work this through.

 

 

Honestly, it kinda sounds like PUA bull**** to me. Not sure if he's consciously doing it but it seems like his running some sort of push-pull game. Maybe even negging you. Which is so stupid to do with an established FWB. If you have an established FWB the only thing you should be concerned about it doling out and receiving really good B's to keep the F alive.

 

 

Yeah, why not just enjoy it?

 

 

Why play games?

 

 

It makes me think now that his real motivation was not the sex, but the power trip and ego boost.

 

 

It's sad.

 

 

A former FWB once looked me in the eyes before anything transpired and said, "You know, I'm a confirmed bachelor. If you are looking for a boyfriend or a husband, then keep looking because I'm not that guy." I appreciated his complete honesty and I can still look at him with respect and esteem. He marched to the beat of his own drum and had integrity.

 

 

I wish I had conducted myself in the same fashion and clearly delineated the boundaries at the outset instead of getting drawn in to a "let's see where this goes" nebulous, confusing, game-playing affair.

 

 

"Know thyself."

 

 

 

I think underlying his "jokes" is a cruel and sadistic person who enjoys making women suffer and/or grovel. He's not funny at all. He's a dick. He's also blowing up his own ego by seeing you crestfallen.

 

Don't feel bad. You've taken a look at your part in it and now you'll process it and learn from it. Then just move on.

 

 

Thank you! I needed to hear this. I'm feeling pretty badly.

 

 

As I mentioned above, it seems that this might have been in it more for the power trip than for the sex. As you say, "blowing up his own ego ...".

 

 

But, yes, I'm looking at my part in it. I feel that I've let myself down.

 

 

In addition, we had a condom mishap so I took the morning-after pill and will obviously have to get STI-testing. So, I'm feeling paranoid, as though I will have now "unleashed the wrath of God", and either have caught something (heaven forbid HIV) or have developed some type of irreparable side-effect from the pill, such as a thrombosis or corneal change. My right eye has pressure and I have ever so slight blurry vision in that eye. I think I've had this before, due to stress or sinus issues, but I'm actually feeling scared about it.

[MissBee]

He just seems to make very lame jokes...

 

I'd be annoyed with his flavor of jokes personally. It's not funny or cute or anything, just lame.

 

I can't really identify any psychology behind it except he's corny.

[preraph]

Thanks a million for the replies!

 

 

 

In addition, we had a condom mishap so I took the morning-after pill and will obviously have to get STI-testing. So, I'm feeling paranoid, as though I will have now "unleashed the wrath of God", and either have caught something (heaven forbid HIV) or have developed some type of irreparable side-effect from the pill, such as a thrombosis or corneal change. My right eye has pressure and I have ever so slight blurry vision in that eye. I think I've had this before, due to stress or sinus issues, but I'm actually feeling scared about it.

 

Sometimes your body tells you when a relationship is off before your brain catches up. You did the right thing, and you're going to be all right. Better to have blurry vision than blinders on, right?

[ja123]

He just seems to make very lame jokes...

 

I'd be annoyed with his flavor of jokes personally. It's not funny or cute or anything, just lame.

 

I can't really identify any psychology behind it except he's corny.

 

If his jokes were the only thing, then I could see what you mean.

 

 

But, there's more going on, and I just learned something that is a really deal breaker for me.

 

 

We've had some good times, no doubt. I appreciate his cuddles, as well. (We're both touchy-feely types.) He has done some very nice things, but there are other things that are not in alignment, so I've got to go with the advice I would give to someone else in this situation, as well as my gut.

 

 

It's not worth the stress, or consequences.

 

 

 

 

Sometimes your body tells you when a relationship is off before your brain catches up. You did the right thing, and you're going to be all right. Better to have blurry vision than blinders on, right?

 

Thank you for your reassuring words!!! I really needed that. Plus you made me laugh!!!

 

 

I don't currently have blurry vision ... It's most likely stress. But, if it comes back and I'm concerned, then I'll go to the doctor. Who cares if they think I'm a hypochondriac!!!

[mightycpa]

But, there's more going on, and I just learned something that is a really deal breaker for me.

 

As if being a dick to you was not enough! I would just offer you this for the future.

 

If a guy is going to bang you every once in a while, he ought to at least treat you with some common decency after.

 

Don't you think?

[OwMyEyeball]

You feel bad because you played him. From everything presented thus far it sounds as though you were the one stringing him along for good sex.

 

He's 13 years your junior and dealing with a woman who's had far more relationship and life experience. You're the one coming into this with far more FWB's under her belt so it should be understandable that you'd be taking the lead on defining boundaries from the outset. Did you? Was he continually breaching those boundaries?

 

All of his joking behaviour can be attributed to immature playfulness, not the calculated maneuvering of some "witless, sadistic, cruel, selfish, rude" PUA-wannabe that others are playing him off to be. It sure does take the sting out of breaking things off, though, when you vilify the other side.

 

Maybe he's done plenty wrong and acted like a complete jerk in other settings. I don't know, there are only allusions to "deal breakers" and "other behaviours". But all there is to go from here are a few cheeky charades, performed days if not weeks apart, by a young man who could very well have just been falling in love.

 

The played becomes the player.

[ja123]

@ OWEyeBall - I appreciate where your statement is coming from because I am the older one; however ...

 

 

He's coming over now to "talk"; so, I can't write much now.

 

 

What's the deal breaker, you want to know?

 

 

How would you feel if you'd just been asked to write a witness statement to give to his lawyer stating that you're his GF and that he's trustworthy so he can submit it to immigration so he can stay in this country and study?

 

 

He just told me that he was suspended from another university here due to not one, but two complaints from girls for harassment. One even filed a police report, but the case was dropped.

 

 

He lied about the reason he took a break from his studies. He told me it was because the school was in a small town and he needed part-time work so he moved to the big city.

 

 

Is that a red flag, or not?

 

 

I didn't mention this before because I felt sooo shocked and ashamed.

 

 

I just came from a walk-in group meeting for people with anxiety, etc.

 

 

I'm really upset, so I had to reach out, not only to this board, but people in real life.

[mightycpa]

He's coming over now to "talk"

 

Wow. Are you going to let him in the door, or give him the heave-ho outside?

[Mrin]

Wow, them are some serious red flags! Give him the heave-ho outside!

[mightycpa]

The OP is putting up with this guy being a jerk for the sole reason that he is good in bed. Why should he respect her when she obviously doesn't have much respect for herself?

 

OP: This guy seems like a douche. Problem is, you are allowing him to treat you like this for the sex. This is very sad. If you expect people to treat you with respect, you have to respect yourself first.

 

I'm unsure about your point here. Are you showing disdain for the NSA sex itself, or for the NSA sex continuing after he treated her like that?

 

If the former, well, I don't know. I had one of them, and I treated her pretty well, I thought.

 

If the latter, then that was my point, for future reference. There should be a FEW strings attached. Once the wall of disrespect is breached, it only gets worse.

[ja123]

Thanks for the responses. I'm ok. He's gone now. I think I handled well.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'm really tired. I must go to bed. I just wanted to post to let you know that I'm alright. As for explanations about my sense of self-respect, it's a lot better than it used to be. I have codependency issues that have developed from childhood. This is very sad, but not my fault; so, please be mindful of harsh judgments that might cause me to feel blamed or shamed. I am already hard enough on myself, and I'm only human. I really do feel awful, right now. But just hearing that I should give him the heave ho, for instance, has helped me set my compass. Thank you! I've done a lot of therapy and self-work, but it's a life-long process. I called and found a CODA meeting to go to this week, as I'm slipping. Thanks for your support.

[aprilisi]

I laughed at the hat incident. I think he's funny.

 

But then again, I've been told many times that I have a weird sense of humor

[ascendotum]

The OP is putting up with this guy being a jerk for the sole reason that he is good in bed. Why should he respect her when she obviously doesn't have much respect for herself?

 

OP: This guy seems like a douche. Problem is, you are allowing him to treat you like this for the sex. This is very sad. If you expect people to treat you with respect, you have to respect yourself first.

 

To me it seems like he is not a full on douche, just a bit of a smartarse who jokes with the intention to upset the OP. Not in a serious way just in a bit of a smartarse way, because I guess he senses (rightly or wrongly) that he has a bit of the power in this arrangement I don't think he is that bad, and simply if it annoys the OP she can play a similar gag back on him couple of times so it yanks him back to reality that he doesn't have the power....'hey you know how we were going to get together later to nite for sex, well I've changed my mind and I'm just not feeling like it now'.

 

It might show that he does not totally respect OP, but I don't think it means he disrespects her necessarily, even though he is getting a bit of a kick out of teasing with her feelings for a bit. It is just a booty call relationship (which I classify as less than fwb), so I don't think people need to delve too much into the other persons' nature or background or motive, just as long as they treat you with decency and are a good lay.

 

 

Some guys look down on a girl just because she is willing to have NSA sex, even if it is with him. Maybe he is one of those guys.

Yes some do. Hard to say from his gags if he is one of those. Maybe he thinks OP is into him more then a FB and because he is as a younger and less experienced at FB/FWB relationships he might be getting a bit of a kick out of the perceived power and is playing with her feelings a bit without meaning to be a prick. Edited September 9, 2014 by ascendotum

[Haydn]

FWB or not it seems that this guy is pretty much a freeloader and latched on to Ja as he saw her as way of establishing his rights in the country. Seems like Ja has trusted him and went out of her way to help him. For which i applaud her as she has faith in human nature. Which is in short supply.

 

I think Ja that you are doing the right thing in addressing your issues.

 

Keep going forward.

[Diezel]

When you start to take a FWB's "jokes" a little too seriously, you're doing something terribly wrong.