Still doing something wrong?

[GTO06]

Ok, so I just went on another OLD the other night, around my tenth or so, and again the date went great. We had a lot in common, great conversation and such. We ended up talking for two hours, but it was fun enough that it only felt like 30 minutes or so.

 

However, once again, the girl didn't accept a second date. I really just don't see why all these seemingly great dates I have never lead to a second date. I mean seriously, I'm a good looking guy I'm told, pretty smart, funny, kind yet confident, decent job; what more do these women want? Do you have to be a millionaire Fabio look alike to get a GF these days or something? How many flipping dates does it take to land a GF anyways?

 

I should probably mention that these around ten or so OLDs I've had this summer have been my first dates ever dates, despite my age of 29. So, I could still be doing something fundamentally wrong I'm not aware of.

 

Thanks

Edited September 2, 2014 by GTO06

[PinkCarnations]

Well your profile and pictures must be decent enough to garner in-person dates. But do you look worse in person than in your pictures? Where are you going for these dates? Maybe you appear too eager?

[slizl]

You are definitely doing something wrong. I'm thinking you are giving off too much of a friend vibe.

[GTO06]

I don't have a problem getting online dates and I have got some good feed back from a couple that turned down the 2nd dates; they did think my profile accurately described me, which is good. I usually do first dates by getting drinks or food in restaurants; which I believe is the standard thing to do I'm told.

 

Explain to me what you think is the "friend vibe". I mean I am friendly of course, but I do show plenty of attraction to them as well. I really doubt they would appreciate trying to hang all over them on the first date, lol.

Edited September 2, 2014 by GTO06

[dragonfire13]

Hey mate, female perspective here: don't take it personally. You have to understand that with online dating, it's not like traditional dating, where you set up a date based on mutual attraction with someone you've previously met.

 

I've dabbled in online dating, and I always view the first "date" as a "getting to know a complete stranger" rather than a date and I will always pay for myself so this distinction is clear. This will help you take it less personally if thing's don't progress, as you were both testing the waters.

 

As for why you didn't get a second date, it could be for a number of shallow reasons, and a lot of it is down to luck. You should feel reassured that you're able to meet a random woman and chat and have an enjoyable time...so clearly you're not lacking in social skills and personality is key to finding someone longterm.

 

It probably doesn't help that there is so much choice with online dating so if people don't find someone who is 100% what they're looking for, they're onto the next one.

 

It might seem harsh, but would you really want someone who wasn't 100% into you but settled? Finding the right chemistry with someone isn't an exact science.

 

Personally if I meet a nice guy who is pleasant to chat to but I'm not immediately attracted to, I will meet up with the guy a couple more times to see if attraction grows. It seldom does which is why most females don't take this approach.

 

Online dating makes it easy to meet up with people, but that doesn't necessarily translate into a relationship. Try not to take these knockbacks too personally.

Edited September 2, 2014 by dragonfire13

[Gloria25]

Yes, I agree with dragonfire13...

 

With online dating there are a lot of flakes and people with unrealistic expectations...

 

That's why I'm starting to believe that doing group activities (i.e. meet-ups, volunteering) is better because you can get to know people and develop bonds with people. Plus, the more you have in common (i.e. the meet-up event) is better to meet someone you can click with.

[GTO06]

Hey mate, female perspective here: don't take it personally. You have to understand that with online dating, it's not like traditional dating, where you set up a date based on mutual attraction with someone you've previously met.

 

I've dabbled in online dating, and I always view the first "date" as a "getting to know a complete stranger" rather than a date and I will always pay for myself so this distinction is clear. This will help you take it less personally if thing's don't progress, as you were both testing the waters.

 

As for why you didn't get a second date, it could be for a number of shallow reasons, and a lot of it is down to luck. You should feel reassured that you're able to meet a random woman and chat and have an enjoyable time...so clearly you're not lacking in social skills and personality is key to finding someone longterm.

 

It probably doesn't help that there is so much choice with online dating so if people don't find someone who is 100% what they're looking for, they're onto the next one.

 

It might seem harsh, but would you really want someone who wasn't 100% into you but settled? Finding the right chemistry with someone isn't an exact science.

 

Personally if I meet a nice guy who is pleasant to chat to but I'm not immediately attracted to, I will meet up with the guy a couple more times to see if attraction grows. It seldom does which is why most females don't take this approach.

 

Online dating makes it easy to meet up with people, but that doesn't necessarily translate into a relationship. Try not to take these knockbacks too personally.

 

Yea, I do always pay for both of us on dates, but I don't feel it is a waste or take it personally usually. I just kind of thought I would get at least one 2nd date after 10 dates or so.

 

Like I was talking about in another past a while back, I know that "connection" is a rare thing to find, but I 'm really getting tired of waiting for it. Everywhere I go I see couples having fun together and it just pains me to have never had a GF experience. I'm the only person I kno that doesn't have a SO too, which makes it even worse not having one and have never had one before either.

[pteromom]

Ask her for the honest feedback as to why she doesn't want a 2nd date. Tell her you are having problems getting a 2nd date, and you really want to know why.

[GTO06]

Ask her for the honest feedback as to why she doesn't want a 2nd date. Tell her you are having problems getting a 2nd date, and you really want to know why.

 

Yea I ask most all of them that after they message me about it, but most just don't respond at all. The ones that do have minimal value as they usually say that I was great, but they think it would be better to be friends or "it's not you it's me" kind of thing; not too helpful unfortunately.

Edited September 2, 2014 by GTO06

[OwMyEyeball]

Hmmm ...

 

Do you have any female friends, relatives or colleagues who could comfortably give it to you straight?

 

The dates themselves are a poor source of feedback since they won't want to risk the potential for backlash or defensiveness at being frank and honest.

 

One possibility is that your very powerful desire to be in a relationship is coming across subconsciously through your words and behaviours during each date. Neediness is very unattractive to many women.

 

Do you have a lot going on for you in life that occupies your attention?

[GTO06]

Hmmm ...

 

Do you have any female friends, relatives or colleagues who could comfortably give it to you straight?

 

The dates themselves are a poor source of feedback since they won't want to risk the potential for backlash or defensiveness at being frank and honest.

 

One possibility is that your very powerful desire to be in a relationship is coming across subconsciously through your words and behaviours during each date. Neediness is very unattractive to many women.

 

Do you have a lot going on for you in life that occupies your attention?

 

I do know a few females around my age, mostly wives or girlfriends of guy friends, but not sure what you mean by having them "give it to me straight" as I'm not dating them, lol. I do get compliments from them occasionally that I look nice and such however.

 

I make sure to be very laid back and talk about things like hobbies, work, friends, and such. I really don't think I sound needy to them at all considering I could live my one life alone if I have to, have so far, but it sure would be nice to have a GF for once.

Edited September 2, 2014 by GTO06

[BluEyeL]

Maybe you talk too much on the dates? You're having a good time because everyone likes to talk, but if you talk more than your dates, it's not great usually, you're having fun, but they get bored.

 

Also, are your pictures accurate? Meaning, do you look like your pictures? Do you make eye contact? Do you keep your phone away? Unless you tell us what exactly is that you're doing on the dates, it's hard to figure out what your problem is.

[GTO06]

Maybe you talk too much on the dates? You're having a good time because everyone likes to talk, but if you talk more than your dates, it's not great usually, you're having fun, but they get bored.

 

Also, are your pictures accurate? Meaning, do you look like your pictures? Do you make eye contact? Do you keep your phone away? Unless you tell us what exactly is that you're doing on the dates, it's hard to figure out what your problem is.

 

I don't do any of that actually. The conversations are always nicely balanced, unless the girl loves to talk a lot and I let her go on for a while. I never mess with my phone, I maintain comfortable eye contact, and they say that I do match my profile details and pics well.

 

I guess it is entirely possibly that I just have not had the best luck of finding whatever chemistry that's needed for these kinds of relationships. Ive only been "love struck", per-say, three times in my life so far, but couldn't do anything about it back then. I sure hope it can happen again.

Edited September 2, 2014 by GTO06

[dragonfire13]

Yea, I do always pay for both of us on dates, but I don't feel it is a waste or take it personally usually. I just kind of thought I would get at least one 2nd date after 10 dates or so.

 

Like I was talking about in another past a while back, I know that "connection" is a rare thing to find, but I 'm really getting tired of waiting for it. Everywhere I go I see couples having fun together and it just pains me to have never had a GF experience. I'm the only person I kno that doesn't have a SO too, which makes it even worse not having one and have never had one before either.

 

I know it can be disheartening but trust me, it WILL happen. If you rely solely on online dating, I can tell you a story about my friend who met up with around 50 guys, using a variation of online sites (paid/free)...she met a guy she clicked with last year and they got married a few months ago.

 

I do agree with what a previous poster suggesting you try meeting people through hobbies/group hangouts - you're likely to meet friendly, likeminded people. You can still online date, but you'll be trying different methods to meet women which feel less like you're forcing a situation.

[deathandtaxes]

In a ways, it's a numbers game. Most likely they're going out on that first date to see if there's enough attraction in person to warrant more. You just have to keep plugging away. I've been doing OLD on and off for two years. I've had my share of one and done. I've had my share of only going on two dates. It happens. You can't let it deflate you too bad. Rejection sucks.

 

 

If you've had a string of ten one and done, something is wrong, at least in my perspective. Have you had ANY go past the first date? I'm looking back at the last ten women I've had dates with via OLD, and only four of the ten were one and done. And I'm on Adonais. Very average looking dude.

 

 

It's just the weird thing with dating - either you click, and you don't. And I've met a lot of women who are so looking for that elusive spark it just kills me. I think I'm a lot more forgiving and usually won't dismiss a lady after the first date unless we're just entirely incompatible.

[BluEyeL]

Maybe you don't project confidence?

 

I shared in another post, I'm a woman, not too beautiful and not too young, and I had lack of success initially, but once I learned a few tricks and learned how to act confident, I only had 100% call backs for a second. Not always for a third, but a second, always. So it can be learned, if you have a talk with yourself about what you could possibly do to be in this predicament. 0 in 10 is not good.

[GTO06]

In a ways, it's a numbers game. Most likely they're going out on that first date to see if there's enough attraction in person to warrant more. You just have to keep plugging away. I've been doing OLD on and off for two years. I've had my share of one and done. I've had my share of only going on two dates. It happens. You can't let it deflate you too bad. Rejection sucks.

 

 

If you've had a string of ten one and done, something is wrong, at least in my perspective. Have you had ANY go past the first date? I'm looking back at the last ten women I've had dates with via OLD, and only four of the ten were one and done. And I'm on Adonais. Very average looking dude.

 

 

It's just the weird thing with dating - either you click, and you don't. And I've met a lot of women who are so looking for that elusive spark it just kills me. I think I'm a lot more forgiving and usually won't dismiss a lady after the first date unless we're just entirely incompatible.

 

Yea, I guess so far in my dating I have just been pursuing physical attraction, which is fine. However, I have yet to find anyone that gave me that "spark" I was talking about yet. I hope I'm doing everything ok and it is just a matter of finding the right one.

 

Again though, these first ten dates or so are not just my first OLDs, but the first ones ever for me, seriously. So I'm learning as I go and each one is getting better. I guess I just have to keep trying then I guess.

[deathandtaxes]

Just physical attraction? Oh boy...

 

Please tell me there's plenty else in common before you even message a lady?

[GTO06]

Just physical attraction? Oh boy...

 

Please tell me there's plenty else in common before you even message a lady?

 

Well, yea of course. I didn't think to mention that part since most OLD sites do that kind of matching for you.

[GTO06]

What about the first date activity? So far I have just been getting drinks or dinner at restaurants and it has worked pretty well for ease of conversation. Should I be doing something else for a first online based date? I wouldn't think you would want any too complex for just meeting...

[OwMyEyeball]

I do know a few females around my age, mostly wives or girlfriends of guy friends, but not sure what you mean by having them "give it to me straight" as I'm not dating them, lol. I do get compliments from them occasionally that I look nice and such however.

 

I make sure to be very laid back and talk about things like hobbies, work, friends, and such. I really don't think I sound needy to them at all considering I could live my one life alone if I have to, have so far, but it sure would be nice to have a GF for once.

What I meant by "give it to you straight" was getting some low bias feedback on your appearance, demeanour and other general traits. You could also ask them to review your OLD profile and pics to get some more perspective.

 

You seem to have a generally positive and persistent attitude about the whole endeavor, so you may just be playing the numbers game. Do you live in a large city?

[Atticus9292012]

I'm a female who has done OLD plenty. My most recent experience has forever scared me away from it.....but I will be honest I have gone on ALOT of first dates and only one second that eventually turned into about 4 months of exclusive dating. I am going to explain the biggest reasons I didn't accept a second date.

 

Not physically attracted. One time his pictures were really old and not accurate. Two different guys had no pictures of them smiling with their teeth showing. I met them and their teeth were just gross. Nice teeth are a thing for me. I just can't do it. Call me shallow, but I can't kiss someone who makes me wonder the last time they used a toothbrush. One guy just wasn't my type. Nothing specific. I just wasn't attracted to him. He was actually very good looking. It was just me...I guess. His pictures were an accurate representation, but real life and online sometimes do not mesh.

 

Pushing for too much too soon/coming off as desperate. I feel like these are closely linked, because non-desperate people want to get to know someone. They realize they have as much a right to choose as I do who they want to be with. They want to make an educated decision on who they take the next step with...so....Okay great we had a great first date, but no I'm not ready to have sex with you. No I am not ready to be exclusive. We're gonna go pick out our wedding bands soon. No I do not want you up my a** 24/7 needing to know where I am every second of the day. We are getting to know each other. No you cannot come to my house this soon. Nothing kills it for me like pushing for more than I am ready for especially once I have voiced my opinion on such and they still push.

 

No connection. Sorry if the conversation is not flowing or I feel like we are not comparable in areas that are important to me, than no second date. For example, I am a liberal pro-choice, marriage equality, educated, feminist and tattoo donned girl. Someone who says things that are directly in contradiction with my values, probably no second date. I am a single mom and I am not comfortable with people I date meeting my child until the relationship reaches a level of seriousness. A lot of single dads I have gone out with all but brought their children on dates.

 

Asking for nude photos of me. I do not believe this requires an explanation.

 

I hope this helps. Main thing you need to remember....think of online dating as casting a large net. You may be catching a lot of fish, but you're going to throw a lot of fish back. I have fortunately not been rejected via online dating, but I have been talking to someone I met online I was really excited about and the he just dissapeared. Bummed I was, but oh well move on to the next one.

[Versacehottie]

um using fabio as a reference point???

 

sorry, i couldn't resist;)

 

but i'm only half joking. honestly, that over the top romance stuff is not right way to get a girls attention. look for ways to make a personal connection with her (inside jokes), confidence and self-assurance, interest in her and good questions, reveal some personal things. I'm guessing your 1st dates are interview-ish and if you are too nice or trying to hard (ala some fabio fictionalized imaginary fantasy) you are failing because of that. The correct formula is to enjoy the date tailored to each girl (with what activity you do, what you talk about). Be more spontaneous and have fun. Let things flow more.

 

Good luck

[GTO06]

Wow, thanks for all the great feedback guys!

 

Believe it or not, I finally just heard back from my last date I was describing. She does want a second date after all and even sounds pretty excited about it too! I guess it just took a couple days for her to respond for some reason, lol. What a huge relief; I guess I'm not doing anything wrong after all!

 

Thanks a bunch guys!