Jump to content

How to best communicate / understand my gf


skylightdami

Recommended Posts

Hello everyone, it's been a while since I last posted. This is my third time trying to compile a post about my problems with my girlfriend of 3 years. On each previous attempt I end up deleting my draft and then saying to myself “I’ve got this covered, I’ll find a way. Maybe I need to be more patient or understanding”. But in reality nothing’s gotten better. As for our problems, I think it’ll be more easier on the eyes as a reader, if I list each one individually:

 

About us

 

We are both in China right now, me as a foreign student and University teacher, her as a postgrad studying Microbiology. Both of us are 24 and been together for 3 years, the most part being long-distance. We’ve been together in China for just over 6 months. I live in my apartment, she lives in her dormitory (I have asked her to move in with me to no avail).

 

 

Her Anger

 

I find that a lot of the things I say or do, seem to tick her off and in my view I think she overreacts a little. I can’t remember any examples to list here unfortunately. Anger is fine, because I think it’s just a person’s way of expressing themselves, and I’ve had anger problems in the past myself. However, when she’s angry, she either ignores me completely or doesn’t want to talk about it. If I ask or say anything, it’s like adding fuel to the fire. Giving her space doesn’t seem to work, because if I go to another room for a little while she thinks I don’t care about her enough. She also expects me to apologize each time even if I myself don’t really feel I did something wrong. Talking about the problem at a later time turns into a one-sided lecture with me at the receiving end because if I respond or give my view she thinks I’m ‘defending myself’. In some instances she has gotten angry and stormed out of my apartment altogether. The one time I stopped her and blocked the door she got so angry she started hitting, biting, slapping and even punching me. The first three she does on quite a regular basis, but the last one really surprised me.

 

 

Her insecurity / jealousy of me having a best female friend

 

Now this is a fairly new problem, today’s in fact. A close Chinese friend of mine, who I consider as a sister moved to the city we live in today. I decided to tell my gf and be upfront about it, I used the term ‘closest friend’ to try to portray that I’m only meeting with this friend because she’s a good friend. She took it differently and found it weird that I would refer to another girl as ‘closest’. She just doesn’t like my friend and stated she looks down to her referring to my friend’s choices in life and the university she went to. In the past, she used to say things like: “no online friends and no close female friends”. I feel like I’m controlled and I can only select friends based on their gender and more recently, it seems like they need a certain academic level.

 

 

Her future views

 

I somewhat value the LDR as a real relationship which is why I count being together for 3 years, but she disregards it and doesn’t call it real. I’m serious about her and asked her about her views on marriage, she straight up stated she doesn’t want to marry unless there’s a house on the line, or at least a place with a mortgage already started. I asked her what she thought about two people renting a house, working together and saving up for a house. She replied that it doesn’t bring her enough security (I understand it’s a cultural thing, but c’mon). This alone has put quite the pressure on me, especially since I’m the only one with a job. I tried to prod her into looking for part-time work, but she just says no or avoids the topic. She has another 5 years left for her study (she wants to go for a PhD afterwards) so I’m on my own earning money for a house.

 

It's been a little under a year since my previous post, now I'm just trying to understand her better and looking for different perspectives. Thank you all in advance.

Link to post
Share on other sites
she started hitting, biting, slapping and even punching me. The first three she does on quite a regular basis

You are in an abusive relationship. What would you think if your daughter or sister were being hit, bit or slapped by their boyfriend? Whether it is male-on-female or female-on-male, this kind of thing is not normal and is not acceptable. She's also controlling you mentally by demanding you drop your closest friend. And now she wants you to provide her with a house and steady income. What is she bringing to the table exactly?

 

Dude you need to GET OUT of this terrible relationship.

 

I know what you're thinking, maybe when all her issues are fixed she will be perfect. One thing I have learned... don't date fixer-uppers. EVER.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Assuming you're from the U.S. and the girl is born and raised in China...I think the cultural difference is way too large between you two. Her "anger problem" is probably due to her being an only child and thus, spoiled by her parents. It's actually very common in China and even most Asian cities for these only child to develop what they call "princess syndrome." I'm not kidding; I now live in an Asian city as well and I see these often (I admit, I have a bit of the syndrome too haha). It's extremely difficult to change this unless the person goes through something that's life-changing.

 

As for her insecurity with your "closest female friend," I think it also has to do with her "princess syndrome." People who have princess syndrome likes to control every aspect of their lives and must have things go their way. But your gf sounds kinda snobbish with her comment about the friend's university. Is her family very wealthy in China?

 

Her future views are the norm for the Chinese culture and so, these views are inbred into her. If you are seriously considering having a future with her, you would have to think carefully whether you are willing to change. Yes, you, because the girl and her family would most likely not change their views! The man would have to buy the house, pay for the wedding, and take care of the family (or at least the new family that you will start with the girl). Are you willing to do that? These views are entirely different from the west.

 

It would be hard to continue when both persons have different values about different life stages.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thanks for the replies guys

 

@PegNosePete

 

The situation escalated again today. The conversation pretty much went back to my friend and while I was trying to assure her to just trust me, or heck even meet the girl herself. She ended up telling me to delete my friend from my contacts completely and promised she won't act this way on any 'future friends'. I replied with "I think I've been fair and honest to you from the start, I could've easily just lied and everything would be fine. But I don't think I should be in a relationship where I'm being controlled on which friends I can have." She slapped me across the face.

 

@Assasda

 

A little blunt and direct, but I somewhat agree.

 

@xxmusical

 

I'm from England, though I don't think that should make much difference either way. I totally understand the 'princess syndrome', I've also heard it called narcissism elsewhere. Her family is not rich. With regards to her future views and I'm willing to take the effort, but what I don't get is that she clearly sees the burden I have yet she won't compromise on issues like these.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I don't think I should be in a relationship where I'm being controlled on which friends I can have." She slapped me across the face.

You also shouldn't be in a relationship where you get slapped across the face. I hope you packed your bags and walked out immediately after she did that. That is what any guy with even the slightest hint of self-respect would have done.

 

Do you think your mother would be really excited and happy about your upcoming wedding, knowing that her daughter in law physically abuses her son?

 

DUDE GTFO

Link to post
Share on other sites

You are an educated, intelligent person.

Do you mean to convince us you haven't known the right answer all along?

If it's a matter of consensus, you have it my friend.

Leave and do not look back. If she has an epiphany and turns a new leaf,

she can practice her new found kindness with someone else.

Find the strength and close the door. Best of luck.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...