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Mind games from girl - can you decipher?


Chief Wiggum

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Don't even know if I can get help on this, but maybe I can get some thoughts/comments.

 

Short History:

 

A girl I was really in to. Trapped myself into a friend-zone with her for a long time. Got myself out of it when I began seeing other girls and having other relationships - and in this period (going on for a few years) my contact with her reduced significantly. I was free from her spell. This subsequently led her to initiate contact/conversations with me (whereas previously it was the other way round). For the first time in our friendship, she was showing me more interest than I was her.

 

The Current Issue:

 

Now, up until about 12 months ago, this was okay. I was with someone. This girl I was once madly in love with, was barely even an afterthought because I had other things going for me. But since then, I've been single and I've almost found myself back to where I was with this girl. I still have feelings for her (although not as strong). And it's made worse by the mind games she's playing. Here are a few things she's done in the past two months or so:

 

- The moment I hint about a relationship between us, she'll turn cold and reduce to one-word answers and even escape the conversation.

 

- Would sometimes outright ignore messages/calls, and then a couple of days later get back in contact like nothing had happened; expecting to resume normal conversations/catch-ups.

 

- Haven't heard from her for two weeks, and is now back in contact with me since she appears to be seeing someone. Her profile picture regularly updates with this new bloke she's with. She's messaging me like we're best friends (with that friggin' profile pic flashing up with each message) despite knowing I have feelings for her. In all the years I have known her, she has always kept her relationships hidden from me. To this day I don't know the names of a single person she's seen. But now all of sudden she's flaunting it.

 

 

 

 

So, people, what exactly is her issue? If she has no interest in me and is seeing someone else, why don't she just cut ties with me and be done with it? Can any of you relate or shed light on what she might be doing?

 

Thanks.

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For her, you are and have always been only a friend albeit of opposite gender.

 

But you have not yet accepted her position and desire about it, so she cannot be friendly with you if either one of you is single. When even one of you is in a relationship, then she feels "safe" because you won't hit on her.

 

At least, that's what I can make out of it, based on what you posted.

 

I can't tell if she has or has not also figured out that you seem to only develop romantic interest/feelings for her when you don't have another person at whom to direct that interest and those feelings.

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For her, you are and have always been only a friend albeit of opposite gender.

 

But you have not yet accepted her position and desire about it, so she cannot be friendly with you if either one of you is single. When even one of you is in a relationship, then she feels "safe" because you won't hit on her.

 

At least, that's what I can make out of it, based on what you posted.

 

I can't tell if she has or has not also figured out that you seem to only develop romantic interest/feelings for her when you don't have another person at whom to direct that interest and those feelings.

 

A lot of that is true. Especially...."you don't have another person at whom to direct that interest and those feelings"

 

But I don't understand why she's now flaunting this new relationship - something she's never done before. And, other than wanting to maybe preserve me as a friend, why she's initiating contact with me (albeit sporadically). It's just bizarre. And annoying.

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ThorntonMelon

Lets turn this on it's head a little bit.

 

I don't think she remotely is playing mind games with you. You are her bff. Her lapdog. Her bitch.

 

When you violate her rules by suggesting that she be your girlfriend she punishes you. Then she needs her bitch back so she comes back like nothing has happened.

 

I assure you she's never hidden a boyfriend from you, whatever her reasons were for not publicizing it, and most certainly your feelings are irrelevant in publishing her boyfriend now. You are an afterthought, an appendage, and she will only keep you in her life for the purposes it suits her.

 

Stop letting her annoy you and you won't be annoyed.

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Did you ever let her know straight forward that you are romantically interested in her? And i don't mean flirting or game playing, hinting, beating around the bush. I mean straight forward without a single doubt that you are attracted to her in a romantic and sexual way?

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But I don't understand why she's now flaunting this new relationship

She's only doing what people do when they're in a new relationship in which they feel really happy and hopeful...it's just YOUR OWN feelings which are influencing you to see it as her "flaunting" anything.

And, other than wanting to maybe preserve me as a friend, why she's initiating contact with me (albeit sporadically). It's just bizarre. And annoying.

Well...staying in touch IS how one maintains, nurtures ANY friendship. WHY she would do that? Maybe she just thinks you're a good-kind person, or finds you good-fun company, or inspirational, or some other crazy thing.

From my POV, it's not at all "bizarre". (Other than, if you're NOT good-kind-fun-inspirational...then, yeah...it is bizarre that she'd actually want to be friends with you.)

 

But if it is annoying, then just disconnect from her altogether...either by telling her that you find the relationship too difficult, or by just disconnecting from her electronically...block, delete, defriend, unfollow, etc., etc.

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I think the thing he may be confused about, is she seems interested in him at times, then she goes cold. She knows he has romantic interest, but she has never actually told him "no" or that she just wants friendship. And he senses she may like him too from various conversations, etc. But then she just isn't pursuing what he wants; or what they actually both want because of something in her mind/world.

 

He senses a game is being played, and he is probably right.

 

I would say peace this girl out, because that relationship will never change. And it's not a friendship, so why bother? It's draining your energy.

 

Some girls who seem to be worth all of your effort, end up being worth none.

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chimpanA-2-chimpanZ

Contrary to popular belief, most women do not play elaborate and involved mind games for their own entertainment. Based on OP's posts it sounds like he is imagining any interest on her part, or, worse yet, he's misinterpreting pretty normal behavior as a sign of interest:

 

- she avoids his relationship talk because she doesn't want it to stray into uncomfortable territory

- she keeps him at bay when she senses he's trying too hard

- she flaunts her new relationship because she's excited and happy and love makes you want to tell everyone everywhere about it

 

Just be her friend.

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I don't think she's intentionally trying to mess with your head....

 

I think some women think that they can keep a guy friend zoned - even though the woman KNOWS the guy is interested in her...I'm not like most women, I don't play that. If a guy is interested in me romantically, I may be "friendly" to him, but not keep him as a "friend per se" (i.e. hanging out with him, maintaining communication) - cuz I don't believe in putting someone through torture.

 

Cuz, when a woman tries to keep a guy who is interested in her circle of friends, things happen like you are describing. You think she's "flaunting" her new RL, but probably she thinks that since she's been clear that you are just a friend, she can blab to you about it w/o you getting upset about it.

 

And, about the 'no communication' for days at a time? Well, again, you're just a friend. My female friends do that to me at times (which I think is rude), but they are married and stuff so, I understand when I don't hear from them at times.

 

So, again, I think you should just extract yourself from this situation..cuz, you can't handle just being a "friend" to her...But she, like many women, think they can keep you on the sidelines and you'll be cool with that.

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Lets turn this on it's head a little bit.

 

I don't think she remotely is playing mind games with you. You are her bff. Her lapdog. Her bitch.

 

When you violate her rules by suggesting that she be your girlfriend she punishes you. Then she needs her bitch back so she comes back like nothing has happened.

 

I assure you she's never hidden a boyfriend from you, whatever her reasons were for not publicizing it, and most certainly your feelings are irrelevant in publishing her boyfriend now. You are an afterthought, an appendage, and she will only keep you in her life for the purposes it suits her.

 

Stop letting her annoy you and you won't be annoyed.

 

You see, I would accept that and move on like I did the first time round. But when she starts pursuing you and showing you interesting like you once did her, it confuses the situation.

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Did you try kissing her??? Man up what do yo have to loose? Did you tell her hey you know what i am really attracted to you in a sexual and romantic way.

Or better yet just say that you have a confession to make and that you want to start an intimate relationship with her because you like her as a woman and more than friends and that you are not even remotely interested in being her friend. If she gives you the slightest hesitation or excuse or rejection then never speak to her again

 

You will loose your soul if you keep fantasizing about this. Grow a pair and take action. Woman like straight forward men.

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She's only doing what people do when they're in a new relationship in which they feel really happy and hopeful...it's just YOUR OWN feelings which are influencing you to see it as her "flaunting" anything.

 

Well...staying in touch IS how one maintains, nurtures ANY friendship. WHY she would do that? Maybe she just thinks you're a good-kind person, or finds you good-fun company, or inspirational, or some other crazy thing.

From my POV, it's not at all "bizarre". (Other than, if you're NOT good-kind-fun-inspirational...then, yeah...it is bizarre that she'd actually want to be friends with you.)

 

But if it is annoying, then just disconnect from her altogether...either by telling her that you find the relationship too difficult, or by just disconnecting from her electronically...block, delete, defriend, unfollow, etc., etc.

 

But in the past she's gone out of her way to keep relationships hidden from me. God knows why. Especially when I made no secret of the ones I was in. Like you guys have said, it's normal behaviour to have pics/vids up of you and your partner.

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So, people, what exactly is her issue? If she has no interest in me and is seeing someone else, why don't she just cut ties with me and be done with it? Can any of you relate or shed light on what she might be doing?

 

I don't know about her issue...but your issue is clinging to hope when there's no reason for it

 

She's keeping you as an orbiter. Some chicks like to have multiple guys orbiting around them like planets around a star. These guys don't get sex or a relationship. They're just there to make the woman feel like she's desired by multiple guys. It's an ego boost. Some of these guys also provide emotional support.

 

Do you really want to be an orbiter? Go completely cold on her. Not because you have the secret goal of seducing her, but because she's a waste of your time.

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Did you try kissing her??? Man up what do yo have to loose? Did you tell her hey you know what i am really attracted to you in a sexual and romantic way.

Or better yet just say that you have a confession to make and that you want to start an intimate relationship with her because you like her as a woman and more than friends and that you are not even remotely interested in being her friend. If she gives you the slightest hesitation or excuse or rejection then never speak to her again

 

You will loose your soul if you keep fantasizing about this. Grow a pair and take action. Woman like straight forward men.

 

We live in two different cities so don't see each other often enough for me to make a move on her. But it's worth mentioning a few years back (when I was already seeing someone and she wasn't aware) she was at my uni and stayed a few nights with friends. She was a bit drunk (not sure how much) and she made a move on me. I shunned her and the next day she apologised over text.

 

I guess, over these past 12 months or so, I've been hesitant in putting myself back to where I once was with her. Hence why I haven't been so direct with her again.

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We live in two different cities so don't see each other often enough for me to make a move on her. But it's worth mentioning a few years back (when I was already seeing someone and she wasn't aware) she was at my uni and stayed a few nights with friends. She was a bit drunk (not sure how much) and she made a move on me. I shunned her and the next day she apologised over text.

 

I guess, over these past 12 months or so, I've been hesitant in putting myself back to where I once was with her. Hence why I haven't been so direct with her again.

 

Make the effort to see her face to face and tell her, you make the move now. This is going to literally drain your soul. You are spending to much energy and time on this. Get into a car and drive to see her, don't have a car get a bus, if not get a taxi.

 

Get it done. If she says no. move on, If she says yes don't shun her and show her as well that you are interested.

 

Everything in life is an investment. You are investing way too much on something for such minimal return on investment.

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Did you ever let her know straight forward that you are romantically interested in her? And i don't mean flirting or game playing, hinting, beating around the bush. I mean straight forward without a single doubt that you are attracted to her in a romantic and sexual way?

 

Yep, way waaaaaay back in the early stages of being friends with her (18 yrs old). She kindly put me down by saying she didn't want to disrupt her studies with a relationship. But of course she just wasn't in to me like that.

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Lets turn this on it's head a little bit.

 

I don't think she remotely is playing mind games with you. You are her bff. Her lapdog. Her bitch.

 

When you violate her rules by suggesting that she be your girlfriend she punishes you. Then she needs her bitch back so she comes back like nothing has happened.

 

I assure you she's never hidden a boyfriend from you, whatever her reasons were for not publicizing it, and most certainly your feelings are irrelevant in publishing her boyfriend now. You are an afterthought, an appendage, and she will only keep you in her life for the purposes it suits her.

 

Stop letting her annoy you and you won't be annoyed.

 

This.

 

the word is doormat. Yes, you are her doormat

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I think the thing he may be confused about, is she seems interested in him at times, then she goes cold. She knows he has romantic interest, but she has never actually told him "no" or that she just wants friendship. And he senses she may like him too from various conversations, etc. But then she just isn't pursuing what he wants; or what they actually both want because of something in her mind/world.

 

He senses a game is being played, and he is probably right.

 

I would say peace this girl out, because that relationship will never change. And it's not a friendship, so why bother? It's draining your energy.

 

Some girls who seem to be worth all of your effort, end up being worth none.

 

It's worth mentioning that she did say "no" all those years ago (back when circumstances were a little different - we were kids then). That's when I reduced contact with her as I began meeting new people at university in a new city.

 

But I can't understand why she then began reviving her interactions with me, whilst knowing how I used to feel about us. And her behaviour in the last couple of months has been especially odd. Full of mixed signals. Whereas before when she shunned me, at least she was consistent with it and I knew were I stood.

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No matter how far along you come in those years, to her, you will always be her orbiter friend... the one she can just come back to for attention during dry spells.

 

You are over-analyzing this.

 

Keep her at bay, keep her at a distance. She doesn't want a relationship with you. She never will.

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No matter how far along you come in those years, to her, you will always be her orbiter friend... the one she can just come back to for attention during dry spells.

 

You are over-analyzing this.

 

Keep her at bay, keep her at a distance. She doesn't want a relationship with you. She never will.

 

This is what I'm now inclined to do. It worked for me before, and should do again. She messaged me this morning asking if I want to meet this weekend. Haven't replied yet, but I'm going to decline.

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I don't know about her issue...but your issue is clinging to hope when there's no reason for it

 

She's keeping you as an orbiter. Some chicks like to have multiple guys orbiting around them like planets around a star. These guys don't get sex or a relationship. They're just there to make the woman feel like she's desired by multiple guys. It's an ego boost. Some of these guys also provide emotional support.

 

Do you really want to be an orbiter? Go completely cold on her. Not because you have the secret goal of seducing her, but because she's a waste of your time.

 

This is how I felt the first time round. I knew what the score was.

 

And this time round, I guess her slightly different attitude/behaviour towards me and my own glimmer of hope, has got me investing too much thought in this.

 

Something has just happened for her to want to travel to meet me, so I'll just await her reasons. But in my head I know the sensible thing to do is decline the meeting and begin cutting ties.

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ThorntonMelon
This is what I'm now inclined to do. It worked for me before, and should do again. She messaged me this morning asking if I want to meet this weekend. Haven't replied yet, but I'm going to decline.

 

"I love your company, but I think it's only fair that I decline. I am not being honest with you pretending that I am meeting you just as a friend. If you wanted something more then the story would be different. But it's not fair to either of us to pretend that I am OK with being your friend. You deserve someone who can be there for you as a friend without any other desires. I wish you all the best."

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Update:

 

She's coming this weekend. I might be able to get some action. Is this a bad idea? She says she's not strictly in a relationship with that guy and the pics aren't what they seem.

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