cenz Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 Dear LS-ers, i really need your help and advice.. I was introduced to a guy through my firiend's future husband (getting married december). It's been a week since we met and we've been going out for 4 dates. We've kissed, hugged but we're still trying to get to know each other.. The problem is...this guy's parents disapprove of me, because we're 3 years apart which is a taboo for his culture..My friend's future husband is this guy's father real close friends...and my friend is getting a good scolding from her parents, because if we did become an item..she'll be in a rough spot and may affect her husband's friendship. My friend told me to reject his invitations and cut off contact. I'm really heartbroken right now..i like this guy a lot, i know we've only met for a week but i want a chance to at least be free to interact with him and get to know him without any pressure. I feel like I've been robbed of my freedom to choose. We barely know each other that well to be in a relationship but i'd like to proceed with the dating and if there's a chance for us, i'm willing to..but now that my friends is pleading me to cut off contact, i'm really torn between these two. How can i reject a person i'm interested in? i really like his companionship but i don't want to create problems for my friend's family too..i can understand if we part ways because we are incompatible but this is flat out telling me to back off while we do get along okay. should i just tell him to not contact me again? but i'm afraid of losing him..I'm really really torn apart, what should i do? Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 I think the fact that you're dating your friend's future son in law would be more of a taboo then a 3 year age gap. How old are you and he anyway? Link to post Share on other sites
Author cenz Posted September 1, 2014 Author Share Posted September 1, 2014 I think the fact that you're dating your friend's future son in law would be more of a taboo then a 3 year age gap. How old are you and he anyway? I'm sorry if i was a bit jumbled, let me explain it better. So my friend (A) is marrying (B) this december. B have a business partner who is also his good friends ©, The guy i'm being introduced to is C's son. C disapprove because of our age gap, and therefore tell my friend A&B to tell me to cut off contact with his son. I'm 27 and the guy is 30 Link to post Share on other sites
sdrawkcaB ssA Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 Not sure whats up with that... Usually no mixing of races comes to play if parents are involved. I say screw the parents, elope and get pregnant. Not necessarily in that order... by the way screwing the parents is just an expression. Link to post Share on other sites
I am Bud Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 Dear cenz Being that you guys are grown adults the choice should be up to you to decide on whether you want to see each other or not. It's not really anybody else's business to tell you how you should live your life. Have a chat to him about what is happening and see whether he wants to end it or not. If he does not have the courage to stand up to his family then pull away. However if he is willing to put it on the line and go against his fathers wishes then by all means give it a shot. A relationship should be judged on the individuals involved and how happy they make one another. It shouldn't be judged on some superstitious cultural taboo. If there is any chance of finding that real happiness with someone then it's a risk worth taking. There are times when you should listen to your friends and family and there is a time when you should listen to yourself. All the best - Bud. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cenz Posted September 1, 2014 Author Share Posted September 1, 2014 Dear cenz Being that you guys are grown adults the choice should be up to you to decide on whether you want to see each other or not. It's not really anybody else's business to tell you how you should live your life. Have a chat to him about what is happening and see whether he wants to end it or not. If he does not have the courage to stand up to his family then pull away. However if he is willing to put it on the line and go against his fathers wishes then by all means give it a shot. A relationship should be judged on the individuals involved and how happy they make one another. It shouldn't be judged on some superstitious cultural taboo. If there is any chance of finding that real happiness with someone then it's a risk worth taking. There are times when you should listen to your friends and family and there is a time when you should listen to yourself. All the best - Bud. He's super close with his family and has ended 15 relationships because of parents disapproval. Will it be selfish of me to sacrifice my own friend for a chance to see if this relationship will work? Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 He's super close with his family and has ended 15 relationships because of parents disapproval. Will it be selfish of me to sacrifice my own friend for a chance to see if this relationship will work? Why would you be sacrificing your own friend? If your friend chooses to de-friend you based on who you date, or your unwillingness to adhere to their own criteria for acceptable datees, then it's not you who is sabotaging anything. It is your friend who is sacrificing you. Some "friend"... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
HappyLove Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 Do you live in America? This taboo thing of 3 years sounds ridiculous. What does the guy you're dating have to say about it? Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 He's super close with his family and has ended 15 relationships because of parents disapproval. This is what you need to worry about. If you enter into a relationship with this man, it is more than likely you will take second place to his family. At his age, he should be able to stand up to his parents. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Maleficent Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 He's super close with his family and has ended 15 relationships because of parents disapproval. Will it be selfish of me to sacrifice my own friend for a chance to see if this relationship will work? Well I'm very sorry to say you will most likely be number 16. This guy is obviously spineless when it comes to this - even though he is a grown man. The three year gap is obviously an excuse they probably don' t have a good excuse for disproving of you (who knows what their silly excuse is...) I'm not sure where your friend comes into this? FRom what you posted, your friend is marrying the business partner of the guy's parents. In this case, she should have your back (my opinion). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 I think he is using his parents as an excuse. Honestly, if he already knows your age and knows that it goes against "culture" and his parents approval... why is he still going out with you? He should have cut the cord on this "relationship" as soon as he knew your age. But he didn't, right? Also... it's been 1 week. You don't know this guy enough to even know if you would want to be with him long-term. I say... HUGE red flag here. You probably are better off saving yourself some heartache. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cenz Posted September 2, 2014 Author Share Posted September 2, 2014 Why would you be sacrificing your own friend? If your friend chooses to de-friend you based on who you date, or your unwillingness to adhere to their own criteria for acceptable datees, then it's not you who is sabotaging anything. It is your friend who is sacrificing you. Some "friend"... I think the guy's father is giving my friend's husband a hard time about him introducing us despite of the 3 years gap. They do business closely and would like to keep the relationship good, i guess...In a way i do feel they (my friends, his husband and the guy's family) is being selfish.. i just want the freedom to befriend anyone i want to.. My friend literally pleaded me yesterday to cut off contact so she won't get into trouble with his husband. I don't know what to do..i really like hanging out with this guy Link to post Share on other sites
Author cenz Posted September 2, 2014 Author Share Posted September 2, 2014 Do you live in America? This taboo thing of 3 years sounds ridiculous. What does the guy you're dating have to say about it? I live in Indonesia and we are both chinese, but he's chinese culture is way more strict than mine. On our second date i did mention to him about our age gap and that his parents will disapprove. He told me it's not true and that they're fine with it. He told me to just lets get to know each other and don't worry about his family...but what his father told my friend is completely different. They are so against it, it sounds as if they are so sure we will get married or something.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cenz Posted September 2, 2014 Author Share Posted September 2, 2014 (edited) Well I'm very sorry to say you will most likely be number 16. This guy is obviously spineless when it comes to this - even though he is a grown man. The three year gap is obviously an excuse they probably don' t have a good excuse for disproving of you (who knows what their silly excuse is...) I'm not sure where your friend comes into this? FRom what you posted, your friend is marrying the business partner of the guy's parents. In this case, she should have your back (my opinion). This is what you need to worry about. If you enter into a relationship with this man, it is more than likely you will take second place to his family. At his age, he should be able to stand up to his parents. My friend is getting a hard time from her husband i guess...Because if we did continue getting know each other and decided to be in a relationship it will jeopardize her husband good business relationship.. Anne, my friend did tell me to cut it out right now before i get hurt. She said even if we manage to get married i will suffer in the end because his parents will be very unhappy. To be honest, i don't even think about being in a relationship or marrying him yet, i like his companion and we do get along. But it's hard to be genuine in your interactions if you have this constant image of my friend getting in trouble because i like hanging out with this guy. I think he is using his parents as an excuse. Honestly, if he already knows your age and knows that it goes against "culture" and his parents approval... why is he still going out with you? He should have cut the cord on this "relationship" as soon as he knew your age. But he didn't, right? Also... it's been 1 week. You don't know this guy enough to even know if you would want to be with him long-term. I say... HUGE red flag here. You probably are better off saving yourself some heartache. i don't know either, Diezel..i think he too crave for a companionship and just want to see where this goes. The age gap issues is very real for their cultural background. My friend has only known his future husband for 6 months or so but decided to get married anyway in december because their chinese zodiac match is ideal. I'm afraid of the coming heartache too as i've start to have feelings for this guy. Do you think it's better to just cut it off? or should i talk to him about this? From my perspective he is taking everything slowly and just want to know each other, i don't understand why his parents is making it such a big deal..also,won't it sound weird to suddenly brought this parents, marriage, age gap issues when he doesn't seem to be sure of a relationship yet? Edited September 2, 2014 by cenz Link to post Share on other sites
ja123 Posted September 2, 2014 Share Posted September 2, 2014 Ask C's son whom you're dating to speak to C. If he doesn't want to, then dump him. You don't need all of this drama. P.S. You might want to dump him just to avoid future familial drama. It's your choice. Link to post Share on other sites
Polak Posted September 2, 2014 Share Posted September 2, 2014 Way too many red flags on this one. Jump ship! Link to post Share on other sites
taiko Posted September 2, 2014 Share Posted September 2, 2014 This is an odd one. Is three years too much or would four be more accepted because how the zodiac signs align? I would have thought if anything hitting 27 years would have made you too old and culturally a larger gap would have been preferred. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cenz Posted September 2, 2014 Author Share Posted September 2, 2014 This is an odd one. Is three years too much or would four be more accepted because how the zodiac signs align? I would have thought if anything hitting 27 years would have made you too old and culturally a larger gap would have been preferred. Age gap of 3,6,9 is taboo in chinese culture and considered bad luck. 2,4,8 is preferred..8 is the best.. sigh.. Link to post Share on other sites
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