Tips For My Current "Dating" Relationship With Potential GF

[Augman]

Hi everyone, I love this forum and always get good answers.

 

 

BACK-STORY:

 

About a month and a half ago I started talking to a girl I was suggested to date through a mutual friend. We didn't actually meet until about 2 weeks ago, we talked a lot and became friends quickly within a week. The whole time I could see she was interested so after having a decent time to make friends with her and get to know her; we kissed and told each-other we were interested.. Nothing huge changed, we talked normally and knew we were both interested, however, I did want to make sure we were on the same page as far as the relationship went. So I asked if she understood we were dating now that we kissed and told each-other we were interested, she said yes. I asked if she could accept the fact I'm NOT ok with us dating anyone but each-other because I don't do casual dating due to being hurt many times in the past. She said something along the lines of "I'm not into casual dating and I'd never want to hurt anyone like that, ever." I was VERY happy we were on the exact same page. Next time we spent a day together before we said goodbye we kissed very passionately for a while... (10 minutes?). We held each-other tight while we kissed.. It was fantastic and quite emotional for us both.

 

 

 

 

My thoughts on the relationship thus far:

 

I love that we are on the same page and I'm so glad we are taking things slowly because we have both taken some hefty blows to the heart recently, we both admitted to having some trust issues because of those but she said I've made her smile after some really tough times and it means a lot to her. We have a good balance of getting to know eachother and expressing our feelings considering how closed up we were at the beginning.

 

 

 

 

My Current Worries (The important section that you (The Reader) should take into account when giving me advise on the relationship ahead of us):

 

- She's bi-sexual, I'm not homophobic, but it raises some questions for me...

- A huge unhealthy trait I have is jealousy, I will try my hardest to ignore it, but I feel like I would need pretty consistent reassurance from her to help it..

-She doesn't speak her mind as 100% as I wish she did... it would really help us both trust more, but we have come a long ways already.

- She has a past with absolutely terrible boyfriends. I knew some of them personally as they were in my area and they were all complete garbage. Hense why our "mutual friend" wanted us to date so badly, because her taste in men was said to be awful and she deserved a guy like me. Thing is.. whether it be because of bad taste or whatever, a past of MANY short term relationships I believe is a yellow flag any day...

- At one point she was into casual dating, she has more experience than I do, and I worry I get attached to easily due to my inexperience.

 

 

 

All of this is not too bad, and our mutual friend is a HUGE help with our relationship. This mutual friend of ours has told me that this girl I'm dating also feels she is getting attached to me to easily.

 

I wish to stay in our "exclusive dating" and "getting to know each-other" phase for quite some time before making the jump to serious relationship.

 

WHAT YOU (THE READER) CAN INPUT:

-How should I approach and deal with my worries listed above?

-Is the relationship moving at a safe pace? (We are currently dating (both agreed to be exclusive because casual dating is not our thing) after knowing each-other a month and a half but only actually hanging out and dating between a week and two weeks.

-How "open" exactly should I be about my thoughts on the relationship... As of now I have not brought up "talks" with her about any of the above mentioned "worries". Should I mention them slowly?

 

 

 

 

In case it assists your answers, I am 18 years of age, and she is 17.

[Assasda]

OP I think you need to work on your own insecurities.

As much as you try, you cant control this woman in having feelings for you.

 

- If you keep putting pressure on her about crap like, "the talk" and talk about casual relationships and all of that, you'll scare her off, the same with you being jealous.

 

You're way too young to be trying to lock anybody down anyway.

 

Keep your thoughts to yourself, she's not your therapist.

What you need to concentrate on is having fun, thats it

 

You complicate things, you lose

[mightycpa]

This mutual friend of ours has told me that this girl I'm dating also feels she is getting attached to me to easily.

 

This is the best reason to date casually. It gives you some immunity to feeling like this.

 

As to your jealousy, that's just your insecurity talking. You should self-examine to find out why you feel that way. If it is because your girlfriends have dumped you in the past, you should accept that this is natural for your age, and to be expected. AGAIN, another condition that argues for dating casually.

 

All of your problems can be traced directly to dating one person in a love-style relationship before you both actually fall in love.

 

You sound very needy. Needy for love and attention. You should find out why you are that way. If you are like this, girls will leave you again and again and again once they understand this about you. If you need love and attention, go out with a lot of girls, even if you have sex with only one of them. Lots of girls = lots of love and attention

[smackie9]

There are no guarantees when it comes to relationships. You can have the best formula going and things can turn bad. So life is too short to worry about what is going to happen. You did the right thing by confirming with her that you two are exclusive and set boundaries. Now that is out of the way, it's time to sit back and enjoy as it comes.

[Augman]

As to your jealousy, that's just your insecurity talking. You should self-examine to find out why you feel that way. If it is because your girlfriends have dumped you in the past, you should accept that this is natural for your age, and to be expected. AGAIN, another condition that argues for dating casually.

I know I have insecurities and I AM willing to work on them. This is because of being dumped in the past.. I know it's normal, but it still hurt. I have gotten better, and progressively getting better. This girl I am dating has similar insecurities due to semi-similar past break-ups, and it helps both of us having someone to empathize... I can see how Assasda could see this as trying to have her as a therapist, but I don't feel that way. I simply believe having a couple bad traits in common can be useful to help overcome them.

 

All of your problems can be traced directly to dating one person in a love-style relationship before you both actually fall in love.

This is actually a very interesting point... i should think more on that because it makes a lot of sense. I did mention with this particular girl I have been going rather slowly and we did become friends before we shared our interest in taking it further. In the past, however, What you say definitely applies. This lead to one-sided relationships in the past for me and that's what hurt me the most. With this current girl it does seem to be quite mutual though..

 

You sound very needy. Needy for love and attention. You should find out why you are that way. If you are like this, girls will leave you again and again and again once they understand this about you.

I explained I do know I'm need and have insecurities above, but I quoted this because I disagree a little on the "girls will leave you again and again" I don't know... Everyone on this earth is different.. You don't believe its possible to find someone understanding enough to put up with one or two negative traits for the other billion qualities i have to offer?

 

If you need love and attention, go out with a lot of girls, even if you have sex with only one of them. Lots of girls = lots of love and attention

I thought about doing this... I am going to college and have free reign of hundreds of girls that I'm sure would love to date me. but... I don't know. It really doesn't give me satisfaction unless it has meaning.

 

 

 

If you keep putting pressure on her about crap like, "the talk" and talk about casual relationships and all of that, you'll scare her off, the same with you being jealous.

Funny thing you say that. Last night before these replies were posted we had a talk about our relationship goals and what-not... Anyways, I told her I wanted to take things slower than normal due to our past with jumping into things and getting hurt, as mentioned above somewhere. I said while we date I'm getting to know her as a friend too, and that I want to stay just dating (but exclusively) for a decent amount of time so we CAN fall in love before we throw ourselves into something more serious, because I didn't want to mess up... I really put myself our there.. She replied saying I am amazing, to never think I'm messing up and that I've literally read her mind since we met. So we do have similar relationship goals, and she said she loves to read so I can feel free spewing my feelings out there... We also touched on her not being as open as I am... She said she is trying, and eventually we will get there, we are slowly building trust.

 

You're way too young to be trying to lock anybody down anyway.

You are right... I really can't disagree with this at all, however, if having a monogamous relationship is what I want; it is what I shall strive for.

 

Keep your thoughts to yourself, she's not your therapist.

What you need to concentrate on is having fun, thats it

 

You complicate things, you lose

yeah, as said above I realize I have insecurities, I will work on them. I don't think shes being used as a therapist, I think our good understanding can help us both. Besides, I feel like you may be speaking of a "perfect" relationship, which I don't think is possible.. There needs to be understanding, as at SOME point there WILL need to be some sacrifice as no relationship is flawless.

 

 

There are no guarantees when it comes to relationships. You can have the best formula going and things can turn bad. So life is too short to worry about what is going to happen. You did the right thing by confirming with her that you two are exclusive and set boundaries. Now that is out of the way, it's time to sit back and enjoy as it comes.

 

This is very reassuring... We were both extremely happy we were on the same page and that we are simply exclusive dating. We have both said we are very comfortable with where we are in the relationship. Its obvious we both plan on sticking around each-other for a while, so you are 100% correct. Now is the time to stop my worrying and enjoy the ride.

 

 

 

At the end of these replies I have to thank you for your help thus far. You are all reassuring and definitely speaking some truth. I am working on things. feel free to keep em' coming... especially with the update of our talk last night.

[ThorntonMelon]

I realize you don't want to hear this and probably won't listen to it.

 

But all I sense is you spend your time talking about your relationship. You're trying to guide it and her to what you want. You're so insecure that any time spent that isn't focused on what your relationship will be freaks you out.

 

The problem is you should spend 98% of your time with her just enjoying each others company. 2% can be talking about feelings and the like if need be.

 

Keep acting like this and your worst fears will again come true, I can promise you that. Right now you're both on the high of feeling that desire. It will wear off for her, even if you're so neurotic it doesn't wear off for you.

[Augman]

I realize you don't want to hear this and probably won't listen to it.

 

But all I sense is you spend your time talking about your relationship. You're trying to guide it and her to what you want. You're so insecure that any time spent that isn't focused on what your relationship will be freaks you out.

 

The problem is you should spend 98% of your time with her just enjoying each others company. 2% can be talking about feelings and the like if need be.

 

Keep acting like this and your worst fears will again come true, I can promise you that. Right now you're both on the high of feeling that desire. It will wear off for her, even if you're so neurotic it doesn't wear off for you.

 

This is a forum: The whole point is to listen to others opinions; so I listen to and consider all people that take the time to respond. Having said that, thank you for contributing.

 

I do think you have a wrong idea on how we spend our time though. anything we are actually together (in person) we do absolutely just enjoy eachothers company. We chill, learn about each-other as friends, do activities, then when it's time to say goodbye we kiss or whatever it is we feel like doing to remind each-other we are interested, then go our own ways.

 

We only talk about these feelings and relationship topics occasionally via phone or text... When we are actually together its a different story and we do as you say and simply "enjoy each-others company"

 

That high feeling you speak of is perfectly normal (I'm sure you know that) and now that we got a few major things off of our chests there isn't as much of a need to have crazy serious talks or anything. I plan on being pretty relaxed for now... However, this thread did include a couple concerns I was hoping to get some input on. Thankfully the nice people here have already helped a bit but more input is always accepted and appreciated.

 

Thanks again for reminding me not to get caught up in all my feelings. please; don't think I'm a neurotic psychopath lol These worries and feelings are already ever-so-slowly wearing down.