My dad hates my boyfriend

[151]

What do you do in this kind of situation?

 

My boyfriends got a chequered past, I'd be the first to say that, I know more about it than they do! You could look at the stuff he's done and right him off as trouble or a bad boy but without going into too much detail to see he never made a choice out of malice... just a guy taking from a world that never gave him anything for free.

 

But he's a changed man.

 

When we met when I was 21, fresh out of uni & he was 24 and was literally living in a tent, he moved in with me quickly which upset my family, they thought he was using me.. which for the record is not true, we are, and were from very early on, completely in love.

Three years on that's doing very well, we have a 18month old baby boy, and we're engaged, due to be married christmas eve He runs his own agricultural fencing company now, we living in a charming little cottage (though he still prefers to sleep in a tent )

Im so happy, just me, him, our boy & the dog, is perfect i couldn't ask for more.

 

My dad practically refuses to accept his existence, my mum (they're divorced) was dubious, which I can understand but after spending time with him & us, she has totally come round. My dad told me when i saw him today that he's now not coming to our wedding (so none of my step-family will be there either) cause he can't support us.

 

I dont know why he has to be so difficult! Its not meant to be like this! I was so so close to my dad, a proper daddies girl before he left when I was 16, I want him at my wedding, I want him to give me away, but if he's pushing me to choose then Declans my future.

 

Does anyone have any advice or been in this kind of situation?

[ExpatInItaly]

Need more information. What does your boyfriend's sketchy past involve exactly?

[amaysngrace]

He doesn't like him and by the sound of it he doesn't particularly care for you much either.

 

He left when you were in high school right? Yea... just live your own life and stop wishing for a relationship with your Dad that isn't your reality.

 

It's his loss. It always has been.

[Gaeta]

Depends what your boyfriend did. I am a mother and I would never accept my daughter dating a man guilty of a crime against children or women.

[newmoon]

you're young still. you'll learn when you're older that mom and dad (usually mom) are ALWAYS right. parents have the advantage of time and experience on their side, and they also know their children and what is best for them. good luck. see you in the break-up section in a few years :-)

[151]

Need more information. What does your boyfriend's sketchy past involve exactly?

Depends what your boyfriend did. I am a mother and I would never accept my daughter dating a man guilty of a crime against children or women.

Oh nothing like that - nothing horrendous! He grew up in care, moved around a lot, bright guy but never hot the grades he could of. Got picked up to do some underground boxing for a guy after education, police shut it down after a couple of years. He ended up living in his tent started stealing - mostly food. Started doing a few odd driving jobs here and there, driving stolen goods. Luckily got out of that pretty quickly and when someone gave him an honest job trawling.

 

He's not a dangerous man at all, he just survived the only way he'd been shown how.

[Assasda]

At some point in your life you have to make decisions on your own, whether your parents approve or not.

 

You can get their imput, they can advise you, but after everything, you just have to live your own life.

 

It seems your dad has had his own heartache in his life, he had to make his own decisions. You have to make yours.

good luck to you

[WonderKid]

If he's a changed man and you know him well, then have a brother or even your mom give you away. You've been together 3 years. He's done nothing out of the sort. Everyone has a past. He's put it behind him and so did you. Go for it. You'll have to suck it up. If dad won't be there, it's not the end of the world or the end of your wedding.

[Blade96]

you're young still. you'll learn when you're older that mom and dad (usually mom) are ALWAYS right. parents have the advantage of time and experience on their side, and they also know their children and what is best for them. good luck. see you in the break-up section in a few years :-)

 

Um, screw you... no mom and dad are NOT always right. My two friends are husband and wife, and his parents never wanted him to date her, let alone marry her. They still don't like her. Why? Because she's not Chinese, like they are. It doesn't matter to them that she is an angel. As the other mom said, it depends what the fiance did.

[thefooloftheyear]

Um, screw you... no mom and dad are NOT always right. My two friends are husband and wife, and his parents never wanted him to date her, let alone marry her. They still don't like her. Why? Because she's not Chinese, like they are. It doesn't matter to them that she is an angel. As the other mom said, it depends what the fiance did.

 

 

 

Well....They absolutely have a right to their opinion..She doesnt have to accept it, but she doesnt have a right to make him like it, either..

 

As a father of a daughter, quite frankly I wouldnt embrace this scenario, either...TBH, Id have probably scared the shyt out of him enough early on that he'd leave..hopefully before she decided to have a kid out of wedlock and too young...another dubious decision on her part..

 

Its simple..

 

Anyone can do/date whatever/whoever they want...If they are truly emancipated and dont depend on their parents, then go and have a party...But then be prepared to accept the fact that some may not like/approve of it..and deal with it and live the life you want/chose..

 

TFY

[Gaeta]

You have to understand that for a dad his little girl is his most precious person in the world. They want a man that will protect, respect and provide for their little girl. A dad also wants his daughter to find a man better than him because children are suppose to do better than their parents. There might be other aspects of your boyfriend that your dad does not like, like how he speaks to you, or how he treats you. Things you may not be aware of but that moms and dads see right away.

 

If I were you I would have a heart to heart with your dad. Tell him how much you love him and how much you look up to him and that it is important that you get his support because he is that important to your happiness. Men will come and go but your dad is your dad forever. You have to talk to his heart, not his head.

[thefooloftheyear]

You have to understand that for a dad his little girl is his most precious person in the world. They want a man that will protect, respect and provide for their little girl. A dad also wants his daughter to find a man better than him because children are suppose to do better than their parents. There might be other aspects of your boyfriend that your dad does not like, like how he speaks to you, or how he treats you. Things you may not be aware of but that moms and dads see right away.

 

If I were you I would have a heart to heart with your dad. Tell him how much you love him and how much you look up to him and that it is important that you get his support because he is that important to your happiness. Men will come and go but your dad is your dad forever. You have to talk to his heart, not his head.

 

All true and well said......

 

Probably won't make a difference, though...Women tend to think with theiir hearts and men think with their heads..Its not a parents responsibility to blindly accept what their child does..We often have to make unpopular decisions because we think we have the best interests of our children at hand..

 

The best she can hope for at this point is that the guy keeps his nose clean, does the right thing by her, the kid, and her family, and maybe over the course of time, he(dad) will accept the guy....but maybe he still wont..so she will need to prepare for that scenario as well..

 

TFY

[151]

He doesn't like him and by the sound of it he doesn't particularly care for you much either.

 

He left when you were in high school right? Yea... just live your own life and stop wishing for a relationship with your Dad that isn't your reality.

 

It's his loss. It always has been.

He did, and it hit me hard, at the time i was devastated. A straight A student who preceded to totally flunk all her final exams.. But now I can look back on it and say however much I wanted them to be together it was the right decision becuase there both remarried with kids and are more happy than i ever remember them being together.

 

I just dont see why he cant do the same for me. I was always close to my dad but he doesnt even try. My mum likes Declan now she actually spent time with him, but my dad just wont give him that chance. Which does annoy me but at the same time, my dad despite leaving was a great dad to me and I want my son to have his grandad.

 

At some point in your life you have to make decisions on your own, whether your parents approve or not.

You can get their imput, they can advise you, but after everything, you just have to live your own life.

It seems your dad has had his own heartache in his life, he had to make his own decisions. You have to make yours.

good luck to you

 

I know. And my choice is Declan, our family, our son. But i just wish it didnt have to be one or the other.

 

As a father of a daughter, quite frankly I wouldnt embrace this scenario, either...TBH, Id have probably scared the shyt out of him enough early on that he'd leave..hopefully before she decided to have a kid out of wedlock and too young...another dubious decision on her part..

He did try actually..

 

You have to understand that for a dad his little girl is his most precious person in the world. They want a man that will protect, respect and provide for their little girl. A dad also wants his daughter to find a man better than him because children are suppose to do better than their parents. There might be other aspects of your boyfriend that your dad does not like, like how he speaks to you, or how he treats you. Things you may not be aware of but that moms and dads see right away.

I do understand, I knew when i met him my parents would probably think like "oh god" or whatever but as I got to know more about him i thought that there'd both come round and love him, I thought my dad would like him cause there both very outdoorsy, practical, guys.

He liked my last boyfriend and he was a d***, although admittedly i didnt tell my parents that prior to dumping him.

 

In fact after my ex i was pretty weary of men in general till I met Declan. He's actually a really gentle guy, we really click and he treats me so well, plus he's a utterly doting father! Our son is just his miniature, all black shaggy hair and bright blue eyes, they're inseparable! All of which my dad would see if he gave him a chance.

 

If I were you I would have a heart to heart with your dad. Tell him how much you love him and how much you look up to him and that it is important that you get his support because he is that important to your happiness. Men will come and go but your dad is your dad forever. You have to talk to his heart, not his head.

This is what i kind of want to do, I just dont get how he thinks he can know the man better than me when he doesnt spend anytime with him!!

[Shepp]

He did, and it hit me hard, at the time i was devastated. A straight A student who preceded to totally flunk all her final exams.. But now I can look back on it and say however much I wanted them to be together it was the right decision becuase there both remarried with kids and are more happy than i ever remember them being together.

 

So then maybe now is your turn to follow ypur heart into making an unpopular decision. Maybe for the moment your dad will be devastated, because your fiancé is not the future he though you'd have or whatever. But maybe in, what 8 years time, if your still happily married with lots of kids running round, he'll be able to look back on it and say actaully it was the right decision because he made her happy - and probably kick himself that he didn't go to you wedding.

 

 

If not then, it is his loss.

[Leigh 87]

You just have to put your relationship first. Keep your relationship with your father and your relationships with your partner separate.

 

We cannot all get along.

 

You are dating each other, not each others families.

 

My boyfriends parents never like me! They do at first, but when they realise I am not in a full time successful job, they dislike me. Or think I am a drop kick.

 

I just focus on our relationship and I do not wish to engage with people who look down on me - and I am sure your boyfriend doesn't want people looking down on him either!

 

Your dad is set in his ways I am afraid - by that age it is nothing short of a miracle to expect them to change their fundamental values and belief system.

 

When my dad has a bad feeling about a guy I date, he just lets me be. He did it with my ex. So the way in which you dad goes about dealing with your boyfriend is his way; my dad carried the same set opinion of my ex but he swept it under the carpet in order to appease me.

 

It is a tough one. Well, your boyfriend is doing well enough for himself now, right? Financially speaking? If he is in a dead end job and doesn't seem to have much many prospects of earning MORE money anytime soon, can you blame your dad for being worried about your financial security? Something tells me though, that your dad mightn't warm up even if your partner DOES end up, say, earning a high income. It seems like your dads opinion is set:(

[151]

So then maybe now is your turn to follow ypur heart into making an unpopular decision. Maybe for the moment your dad will be devastated, because your fiancé is not the future he though you'd have or whatever. But maybe in, what 8 years time, if your still happily married with lots of kids running round, he'll be able to look back on it and say actaully it was the right decision because he made her happy - and probably kick himself that he didn't go to you wedding.

 

Yeah I guess thats right!

 

Im just annoyed with him! Im annoyed he wont even try, for me! Cause I did for him when he introduced my stepmum to me after 4 months of divorce! I was bridesmaid at his wedding when he married her a year later. I didnt make things difficult for them.. I just feel really let down by him!

 

 

You just have to put your relationship first. Keep your relationship with your father and your relationships with your partner separate.

Its really hard to do though, because I get annoyed, like I'm not going to play this game like Declan doesn't exist and I don't feel good about taking our son to visit him if he's going to be either awkward about Declan coming or, worse, make it clear he doesn't like him in front of Silas - especially as he grows up!

I feel like im in a really difficult position because i feel really embarrassed about how he's behaving.. Declan hasn't got a family and i thought he'd be part of mine but apparently not, ive got to keep the two things seperate.

 

I just focus on our relationship and I do not wish to engage with people who look down on me - and I am sure your boyfriend doesn't want people looking down on him either!

Well quite, particularly as an outspoken kind of guy. I appreciate the fact that he lets it go for my benefit, because if i was him i know i wouldn't think too much of my dad, which sucks because my dads a great guy, he was my hero for a long time..

 

It is a tough one. Well, your boyfriend is doing well enough for himself now, right? Financially speaking? If he is in a dead end job and doesn't seem to have much many prospects of earning MORE money anytime soon, can you blame your dad for being worried about your financial security? Something tells me though, that your dad mightn't warm up even if your partner DOES end up, say, earning a high income. It seems like your dads opinion is set:(

Yeah we do okay, he has his own business, he's much happier working for himself.

Not that money is the be all and end all. My ex didn't earn a fortune but my dad liked him.

[preraph]

First I'd want to know what kind of character the OP has, whether she too steals and has gotten into trouble. If I found that the OP has been of spotless character, is steadily employed, etc., then my perspective would be of all the billions of available guys in the world, why would she pick this one with all these problems, no matter why he has them, and would feel better if she picked someone who doesn't have the capacity to become unethical under the right circumstances and get them both in trouble. I suspect her dad may be wondering the same. That plus he knows the man isn't responsible enough to be protecting his daughter, as evidenced by the pregnancy coming way before marriage/commitment; and since his daughter was party to that decision, which wasn't a good one, he must also assume she isn't mature enough to make the best decisions for her future.

 

That said, with the child, you've already bound yourself to this man for life, and it IS your life. But I imagine the reason not getting your father's validation bothers you so much is because deep down you yourself have doubts. If your dad sealed the deal, you'd feel less like you might have made a mistake. He is simply trying to give you the benefit of his experience and it hurts him that this situation has gotten out of his control and that you've not seemed to value his opinion until it's far too late in the game with the wheels in motion and no turning back -- and now you're wanting his stamp of approval. So this is where his hurt comes in.

[151]

First I'd want to know what kind of character the OP has, whether she too steals and has gotten into trouble. If I found that the OP has been of spotless character, is steadily employed, etc.,

Well spotless of character is a bit much, i got my fair share of detentions for talking too much and i definitely remember accidentally breaking a window at uni.. but yeah, I've never been any kind of real trouble, worked part time through uni, got my career on track post uni.

 

then my perspective would be of all the billions of available guys in the world, why would she pick this one with all these problems, no matter why he has them, and would feel better if she picked someone who doesn't have the capacity to become unethical under the right circumstances and get them both in trouble. I suspect her dad may be wondering the same.

Because I love him! Sure he did what he did but I'm not looking at a list of past offences i'm looking at him for all the things he is and he's a great guy brave, optimistic, passionate. He's smoking hot, he's got these piercing blue eyes that look like he can x-ray you. He's the strongest guy I've never met but kind - he treats me so well, he's an awesome father, he foes to ridiculous lengths to save bugs and take them outside when I would squish them. He's one of lifes triers - goes down in smoke, brushes himself down and goes again. He makes me laugh with his wicked dry humour. We have different life experiences so we look at life differently and make a pretty great team. And of course most importantly he doesn't take crap from anyone - except me

I love him, I don't need to explain that to dad, if he spent enough time with him he could see why for himself. That's what my mum did - she was dubious at first which i understand looking at him on paper but then she got to know him, saw him fix her car, saw him help out my little bro when he was being bullied at school, saw him look after me when i was sick, saw him do up mine & his new rambled down house, saw him with Silas - changed her mind.

 

 

 

That plus he knows the man isn't responsible enough to be protecting his daughter, as evidenced by the pregnancy coming way before marriage/commitment; and since his daughter was party to that decision, which wasn't a good one, he must also assume she isn't mature enough to make the best decisions for her future.

Yes, i get that wasnt the best earlier impression although that was mainly.. well my fault but i dont like to say fault because we both agree Silas is the best thing thats happened to either of us, i wouldn't not have him for the world.

 

That said, with the child, you've already bound yourself to this man for life, and it IS your life.

Exactly, whether he comes to the wedding or not, Declans not going anywhere.

 

But I imagine the reason not getting your father's validation bothers you so much is because deep down you yourself have doubts. If your dad sealed the deal, you'd feel less like you might have made a mistake. He is simply trying to give you the benefit of his experience and it hurts him that this situation has gotten out of his control and that you've not seemed to value his opinion until it's far too late in the game with the wheels in motion and no turning back -- and now you're wanting his stamp of approval. So this is where his hurt comes in.

I just want my dad in my life, he's one of the most important men in my life but so are Declan & Silas and if theres all this animosity around...it just sucks

[Shepp]

Have you told him this, how you feel? (your dad that is)

Edited September 2, 2014 by Shepp

[151]

Have you told him this, how you feel? (your dad that is)

 

Yeah, well not up till now - It was always just bubbling under the surface, he wasnt keen on Declan, he didint push his opinion outright....not since the whole attempted-warning-Declan-off at the start of our relationship which i went mad about.

 

But yeah, when he said he wasnt coming to the wedding we had words. He was just like im not doing this to hurt you but I cant watch you marry him and act like im happy about it when you could do better"

-- Ignoring the fact that I A) love him and B) we have a son together!! Whats he want? Another broken family? Silas to grow up without his dad?