Fiance Refuses To Share Facebook Password

[threesinsofseven]

Let me preface this by saying that everyone has different belief systems about what kind of information is shared between themselves and their partner.

 

Personally, I prefer a clean conscience, delight in accountability and freely gave my Facebook password to my fiancé as I do anyone I'm steady with on the day that we became committed. I have not deleted anything from that day 6 months ago to now for the very purpose of showing accountability should there ever be a question or concern on her part.

 

With that said, this went on for about a month where she would occasionally access my Facebook account but never offered me hers. I eventually brought this up, living long distance from each other at the time, and after a lot of pointing to the inequality of the situation, she finally opened up her account.

 

Almost as a disclaimer before my accessing her account when I asked how many guys she was talking to, she said two. Keep in mind that before all of this she was adamant about me cleaning up any threatening women off of my Facebook page by unfriending them--even women that weren't threatening in some cases. It was eventually agreed that I "clean up my front yard" as she puts it and remove anyone I've ever dated or met on dating sites, even if they were or are currently just friends. Since the majority of my friends were dating scenarios that detoured to friendship levels that meant pretty much all of my friends.

 

In any case, it was agreed, mainly via her initiation, that we don't spend a lot of time talking to members of the opposite sex and keep these people at arm's length. At this point, now, we don't talk to ANYONE of the opposite sex nor do we accept Facebook requests. Texting, however, is entirely private and inaccessible. Anyway, when I finally logged in to her account it was completely clean--including the two conversations with guys she told me about. When I noted that I had kept all of my conversations for the past month in order to show a certain amount of accountability with her and asked why she deleted the conversations she stated that "she just does that and deletes conversations when she's done having them" (although her phone shows a huge history of texts when I happen to glance at it on occasion 6 months later. So basically I was left with no proof of concept on her part, as I had shown to her over the course of that month.

 

Anyway, I relocated, moved in with her while waiting on my home purchase to go through and she has occasionally opened up her Facebook account (usually for a few hours before an argument ensues and she changes her Facebook password back). She insists that I can ask her any time and she'll show me her account and that, of course, she's not punishing me by changing her FB password whenever I do something that causes an argument. While I know some people view sharing passwords as to being a little freaky, from my perspective and in my own defense, I simply don't behave in a manner where I feel I'd have something to hide so the thought doesn't phase me. She, on the hand, says that it's not her punishing me. It's her "taking back a part of herself" (I guess that's supposed to be a good thing.)

 

Recently I asked her if she had talked to anyone of the opposite sex since the last time I asked her, as she OFTEN asks me, she danced around the answer and eventually stated that someone had contacted HER but SHE never replied back--it was a guy she was talking to from a dating site six months ago and it happened a few days prior. Mind you, we had agreed, and I had exercised that agreement with exes trying to contact me, that we tell each other when someone tries to make contact with us. When I asked to see the text she said she deleted it--even after having this occur the first time and her eventually saying she understood how I felt and that if she could change it she would, when given yet another opportunity to show proof of concept, she, again, behaved the same way and "deleted the evidence" (as I see it). But maybe I'm paranoid and insecure and it's merely a case of someone just wanting a right to their own privacy?

 

Thoughts?

[AndrewJDC]

This situation is ridiculous.

 

You either trust each other or you don't. Sharing of Facebook passwords is not trust, it's a checking mechanism and a deterrent to bad behaviour.

 

Both should keep their access private and you should spend effort building a relationship rather than arguing over this, after all, I if the relationship is great then their is less incentive to cheat. Problem solved.

[Assasda]

This is not love.

Its one person trying to control the other.

 

 

I couldnt even read the whole thing. It all seems so puerile, and stupid.

The length of the post is long too, it lets me realize how really insecure OP is

[GemmaUK]

Sounds like neither of you have any trust in each other so with that respect also goes out of the window.

 

I dated someone who had a huge insecurity about facebook. I'm not even sure why as I barely ever logged into it.

In the end I stupidly gave in and just gave him my password. He gave me his but I never did log into his FB.

 

He went into my account and unfriended a guy I know of via his brother who I had gone to school with and a male co-worker of mine.

I was not and never had been in touch with either of them on FB so I can only base the reason why he unfriended them on how they look as they same as me very rarely logged in or interacted on there.

I only discovered he had unfriended these two people after we had split.

 

Once the relationship ended and the guy unfriended me a mutual friend told me that he had photos of me plastered all over his account. She also logged in on her son's account and these pics were all visible publicly.

The photos were all of me 15-20 years ago too - years before I had met this guy.

 

If someone is going to cheat they are just going to cheat.

 

When I am dating someone or in a relationship I respect that person's privacy and wouldn't dream of asking for passwords. Trust and respect is a big part of loving someone in my view.

I certainly won't be giving any of my passwords out again! I have nothing to hide but I also am entitled just as he is to the parts of my life that are my own.

[threesinsofseven]

Thank you all for your responses.

[Gaeta]

So some dude she met on a dating site 6 months ago messaged her. That means you and her have barely being in a relationship for 6 months and you call her your 'fiancée'?

 

Sharing passwords is not a proof of trust but a proof of distrust. You watch and supervise each other like hawks. How is that relationship suppose to last if it does not have mutual trust. If FB is there for 20 years you will be checking each other's account for the next 20 years? about the other 100 apps out there? You checking those too!

[HappyLove]

How about you both just delete Facebook and live happily ever after? I don't use it neither does any of my friends and we survive.

[threesinsofseven]

I actually don't supervise her account and I don't think she does mine. It's the principle of the matter. The old saying, "A man with nothing to hide, hides nothing." I just have to wonder what the hesitation is. I don't have any. And from what I've been reading online, tons of married couples share their passwords and it tends to be extremely common--and many such a forum states that secrecy is disease to a marriage. Call me confused, which I well may be.

 

Yes, we got engaged one month in to our "relationship". The plans, however, seem to keep getting swept under the rug. I think we both know we need to have a little more experience with each other under our belts at this point.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

I am not a criminal. I have nothing to hide from anybody. That doesn't mean I'm OK with the cops searching my property without a warrant. "The principle of the thing" is that I deserve to be trusted unless proven otherwise.

 

I don't have a FB account but would never share my password with anyone. It's abaolutely controlling and unacceptable behavior.

[GemmaUK]

I am not a criminal. I have nothing to hide from anybody. That doesn't mean I'm OK with the cops searching my property without a warrant. "The principle of the thing" is that I deserve to be trusted unless proven otherwise.

 

I don't have a FB account but would never share my password with anyone. It's abaolutely controlling and unacceptable behavior.

 

Yep, this is how I think.

 

If I had been married to someone for a few years then I might change my mind but this kind of demand early on will make me wonder how far the controlling element is going to go so I'd be watching out for other similar behaviours.

[Gaeta]

Yes, we got engaged one month in to our "relationship". The plans, however, seem to keep getting swept under the rug. I think we both know we need to have a little more experience with each other under our belts at this point.

 

Then her FB password is the last of your problems. She is a stranger. You are still in the 'get to know you phase'. You have no clue who this woman is yet and you proposed? Who gets engaged after 1 month dating?? Cancel that engagement and gave yourself a full year of 'dating' and getting to know each other.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I understand what and how you're thinking in terms of transparency, where you'd like her to be as open and indiscreet as you are, and you feel that your behavior and attitude justifies that level of trust within her and therefore simply asking her to offer what you are willing to yourself, a reciprocation of establishing what you believe to be "trust"...from your perspective anyway.

 

However, you can't impose or have a right to essentially "make the rules" just because this is something you believe in doing, because in reality you're actually doing the opposite of what you intend.

 

If someone else isn't willing to share their privacy in the same way that you are then you don't have a right to apply pressure by making them feel guilty or making accusations until they begrudgingly open that door, of course while doing some clean up before they let you in...you may in theory through your own eyes be establishing a foundation of trust, but in reality you're creating this very disruptive environment filled with suspicion and policing.

 

This relationship just sounds like it's moving along too fast overall as well, I mean even someone who appreciates trust and transparency is going to have a hard time dealing with someone who's constantly trying to monitor them and do this preventative maintenance to keep the relationship secure (at least for you), it really just looks like insecurity and paranoia because that's what it pretty much is, and that induces fear.....the ironic thing is you're exactly the kind of guy that gets screwed around on because you become this overly jealous/zealous and controlling person...and you put so much pressure and stress on the other person eventually you're going to push someone too far and they're going to give you a big FU in the best way they know how.

 

So the only thing you're going to succeed at is either breaking someone who is weak and insecure to follow your "rules", making them feel like crap in in the process in which they stay because they're too damn scared to leave, and have as much self-esteem as dirt or you're going to push someone away and they'll leave you down the road or they'll screw you over by doing the very thing you are scared of most because you are just overwhelming them and you create this ultimate destruction situation. Or of course meet someone just like you, where you fight and have issues back and forth and light the relationship on fire while both being jealous and never achieving the security you desire.

 

You're also putting the cart way before the horse, you're not establishing an actual relationship..instead you're investing a lot energy trying to "protect" it. That's not going to work, I'll tell you right now, your efforts are futile. You have to go through steps establishing boundaries and such as you adjust to each other and the seriousness of the relationship, it's something that happens automatically in time and through compromise and communication...it's at the end of the day what both makes you happy after all...I'm not sure why you're trying to chase off all these guys and target them, because you're barking up the wrong tree, it's a complete waste of time.

 

You've really got to learn to deal with your own insecurities and issues instead of constantly trying to justify them or your point of view, by intentionally overlooking the affect you're actually having on your relationship and person while doing so, because even if you were "right", it's not about being "right" in a relationship even if this was something completely different where you were actually being reasonable..but if the other person doesn't agree or chooses not to oblige for whatever reason, you can't "win" by being "right"...do you understand that? you're losing by trying to win.

 

Plus, you can't win with women through arguments...they make it impossible, they will never accept it. But regardless, in this case I think you're out of line....EVEN IF she is talking to other guys which she is, but you STILL don't have the right to control her...does that make sense?

Edited August 31, 2014 by Ninjainpajamas

[Gloria25]

Engaged only after one month of dating?

 

Geesh, if she really was seeing/chatting with other dudes, you two embarked on an engagement before she could probably really get to know you and decide if she wanted to end it with others.

 

I'm sorry, but this is too much, too fast, too soon. One month engaged, then moving in, then you're buying a house near her.

 

I recommend breaking the engagement, moving out (go stay in an efficiency hotel/motel). And "if" you still feel like dating her, back off, take it slow, and start over.

 

Yes, and while I haven't been in a situation where a guy wanted to check my phone, e-mails, Facebook, etc. I would feel offended if he "demanded" to have access.

 

With my commitment issues, I guess one thing I value is my "space" and my "independence" and I don't appreciate someone crowding me and not letting me have my own space. Even though I have commitment issues, when I'm with one guy, I'm with him. I don't need him checking up on me and shyyt.

 

Also, I want the freedom to be able to chat with family and gfs about stuff w/o my guy checking up on it. I mean, what if I'm saying something mean about a neighbor or co-worker. I don't want him to see me saying something mean like that, but I want the freedom to chat about that with my confidential gfs or siblings.

[Justletgo]

In my first relationship we both had acces to each others FB accounts, this was my requirement after she had cheated on me with someone.

I checked it for the first week or so, after that I never logged in again (only at the final breakup, to see if I was right and if she was flirting with this guy -which she was).

 

Since then I have thought really deeply and hard about how on earth to deal with the issue of people flirting with your partner.

 

There is no way to stop it, unless you want to perhaps convert to Islam or something.

 

In my opinion you should both just accept the fact that people are going to flirt with your partner and it might feel slightly awkard.

But rest assured in the fact that they come back home to you.

 

In fact, the flirting might even keep you both putting in the effort needed to keep the others attention. Keeping the relationship lively and not dull.

[Joaquin]

I think you can't hold onto this stuff so tightly. You can't control someone else's mind or their actions.

 

Hell I got a boner the other day walking home and I couldn't even control my own mind enough to settle myself down. Good luck trying to control someone else's thinking. And if you manage to, shame on you!

 

Just make sensible considered choices in response to how someone acts and how you feel about them.

 

Let go a bit. Stop the emotional manipulation. You sound far too menstrual.

[chelsea2011]

Wow. Your relationship has started off on the wrong foot and is headed for total disaster. I would only give my FB password to someone if "I" wanted to, not because they demanded it.

 

Your distrust is your issue and you need to adress it on your own and not manipulate someone else into accepting your terms simply because you're insecure. Deal with your issues in a healthy way and you will find that you won't attract people into your life that you can't trust. Instead, you are telling someone they need to bend and accept your rules because you choose not to deal with your own issues. That's not fair and you're imposing your will upon her.

[SidneyS]

Wow. Your relationship has started off on the wrong foot and is headed for total disaster.

 

not much more to say.

[carhill]

With that said, this went on for about a month where she would occasionally access my Facebook account but never offered me hers. I eventually brought this up, living long distance from each other at the time, and after a lot of pointing to the inequality of the situation, she finally opened up her account.

 

Almost as a disclaimer before my accessing her account when I asked how many guys she was talking to, she said two. Keep in mind that before all of this she was adamant about me cleaning up any threatening women off of my Facebook page by unfriending them--even women that weren't threatening in some cases. It was eventually agreed that I "clean up my front yard" as she puts it and remove anyone I've ever dated or met on dating sites, even if they were or are currently just friends. Since the majority of my friends were dating scenarios that detoured to friendship levels that meant pretty much all of my friends.

 

This is what 'getting to know' is all about. Good information.

 

I suggest, should you remain together, a long engagement.

[Keenly]

Your woman is controlling and a little psychotic.

[kaylan]

This situation is ridiculous.

 

You either trust each other or you don't. Sharing of Facebook passwords is not trust, it's a checking mechanism and a deterrent to bad behaviour.

 

Both should keep their access private and you should spend effort building a relationship rather than arguing over this, after all, I if the relationship is great then their is less incentive to cheat. Problem solved.

This.

 

I wouldnt marry, let alone date a woman who wanted to know any of my passwords, PIN numbers, or other information thats of use solely to me.

[Candy_Pants]

This.

 

I wouldnt marry, let alone date a woman who wanted to know any of my passwords, PIN numbers, or other information thats of use solely to me.

 

The OP initiated the password sharing. She resisted. He complained multiple times and she finally gave in.

 

She is controlling as well for demanding you remove females from your FB.

 

You two sound horribly insecure OP. And there might be ample reason, she's making rules and not sticking by them herself (in regards to having conversations with those of the opposite sex). But seriously, all those rules you two impose on one another sound incredibly immature.

 

I'm all for honesty and openness. But that comes with trust. Not the other way around.

[MissBee]

I don't think secrecy and not sharing your password are one and the same.

 

Having nothing to hide is not proved by sharing your password.

 

My boyfriend and I have FB, he uses it less than I do, I have nothing to hide and I'm sure he doesn't either, and it has NEVER occurred to me to randomly give him my password and then say "Here it is because I have nothing to hide..." neither have I asked him his. That whole matter seems completely artificial and I would actually be suspicious if someone decided to randomly volunteer their passwords under the premise that they have nothing to hide. If it comes up naturally it's one thing but the idea that you initiate a conversation about sharing FB passwords....where does this come from in a relationship? I usually hear about this in the context of couple's trying to regain trust after an affair...where they now require such excessive shows of transparency, understandably, to build trust. But where for all intents and purposes your relationship hasn't been touched by infidelity and you're just going along...how does it come up? It seems like only those who are paranoid, insecure and into keeping tabs on their partners would see this as a natural part of a relationship.

 

My FB is signed in automatically on my cell and my computer. My bf doesn't have my password and I have nothing to hide because he can easily go to FB on my laptop, which he is free to use, and would arrive at my page and could see everything. This to me is the more casual norm of a relationship where there is trust. Where your partner potentially has access to your stuff but you nor they ever think of looking at it neither does anyone have to consciously volunteer passwords. Keeping secrets would be me scrambling to make sure my FB, emails, Loveshack, everything was signed out before he used my computer and deliberately making sure he can never see them. Just because he doesn't have my passwords means nothing---because as I said, the trust and freedom exists where all my emails, FB, etc are automatically signed in and he can use my laptop or phone at any point without me fearing what he'll discover. He's not gonna go out of his way and neither do I have to go out of my way to clean anything up or cover any tracks. IMO that is what healthy trust looks like...full disclosure of passwords in a relationship to me beyond where it comes up organically, like he gave me his Amazon password so I could buy something or gave me his email password so that I could check his email for him and print something, or other normal things like that, seems artificial and seems to come from a distrustful place.

 

I think you guys should perhaps get to the root of the problem vs. arguing over passwords. How will having or not having her FB password or she yours help or hinder the relationship? I also agree that getting engaged after 4 weeks of dating is most often not a good idea. Why the rush? Obviously you two have things to sort out so I'd forget the engaged thing and actually have a normal dating relationship for at least a year where you get to know each other. It may be that since you don't know each other very well ( which is just how it is, no matter the "connection", truly knowing a person takes time) this kind of disclosure is a misguided way of building intimacy and trust instead of building it for real overtime.

Edited August 31, 2014 by MissBee

[ExpatInItaly]

You sound insecure and controlling, OP. This is likely why she deletes messages and doesn't want to give you her password: she knows you're looking for dirt and will probably misinterpret what you find. I don't share my passwords with anyone. If you don't trust me enough to allow me to have privacy, you aren't the one for me. Such a turn-off.

 

You obviously don't trust her. Why are you marrying her?

[preraph]

My only issue with sharing passwords with a fiance wouldn't be having to do with him seeing messages from men but I would not want him to be reading private messages to me from my girlfriends about their personal confidential business. It's not fair to a friend to share all their info with a guy she barely even knows and certainly won't trust for years to come, if then. If it weren't for that, I would be for sharing the passwords, but it's just not fair to other people.

 

I had an incident like that early on in the days when online chat was popular. My girlfriend was online so I wrote her on chat and we had a conversation during which I told her very personal private things to do with a relationship. Later, my friend called me and told me she had accidentally left herself signed in on chat and left and it was her sneaky husband pretending to be her that I was really talking to. Well, it's not much different letting someone read your personal communication from your friends when you do not have their permission to share everything. If you're going to do it because there has been cheating and now you are working on it and there has to be transparency, I get that, but you need to warn everyone on Facebook and everyone who texts you that you are doing it and not to write anything they don't want shared.

[carhill]

OP, can you clarify?..... my read is that, in the name of transparency, you provided your GF access to your FB and she then proceeded to examine your past contacts and insist you clean things up and de-friend those contacts and it was at that point you felt a quid-pro-quo was appropriate. Did I read that incorrectly? The timeline is somewhat circuitous to determine from your original post because it added 'almost as a disclaimer', actions of hers which predated yours, so kind of, apparently, jumped back in time.