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The dreaded "let's be friends."


Drifterofwood

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Drifterofwood

So I met this girl about a little more than 2 months ago at a bar. I found out shes interning here in California from Vietnam on a 1 year visa, but she can speak English moderately well. I’m Vietnamese, but I was born here.

I get her number and we text on and off until I ask her on a date. Things go pretty well, and she wants to hang out again. I didn't kiss or her anything until the third date. On the fourth date she invited me in (her housemates don’t like guests over) and we had sex. Next day we have sex again and she tells me I should stay over.

 

About a month and a half later she goes to visit her sister in Washington and I offer to take her to the airport. We have sex and she asks me to wait at the airport with her (her flight was at 6:30 am). When she comes back we hang out a few days later and she acts reserved. When I went in to kiss her she hugged me instead and I ask her about this later and she says she has a lot on her mind and wants to be friends.

 

Her main reasoning is that she’s only here for about 8 more months and is afraid to commit. I really like her and I told her that 8 months is a long time for us to figure things out. It just seems extremely quick to change and want to be friends (her trip was only 3 days).

 

What is going on? Please help me.

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She doesnt mean that she doesnt want to be your lover.

What she means, is that she also wants to be your friend too.

Take it like that.

 

Respect her wishes, and hang out and have fun with her, dont put too much pressure on her, and you should be back to where you were in know time.

She just wants reassurance that you too are going to have fun, be friends and not just sex buddies

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Drifterofwood
She doesnt mean that she doesnt want to be your lover.

What she means, is that she also wants to be your friend too.

Take it like that.

 

Respect her wishes, and hang out and have fun with her, dont put too much pressure on her, and you should be back to where you were in know time.

She just wants reassurance that you too are going to have fun, be friends and not just sex buddies

 

So you're saying to hang out as friends?

 

A lot of similar posts say to ignore her. Has anyone ever "tried to be friends" and got back to where they were before?

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So you're saying to hang out as friends?

 

A lot of similar posts say to ignore her. Has anyone ever "tried to be friends" and got back to where they were before?

 

Was my answer that unclear?

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You don't have much choice here but to cool things off and be her friend. But think of it as not such a rigid thing. She is one friend of many if you know what I am saying. Take it easy, enjoy her company, but accept the possibility that things can go any direction.

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IMO this is her putting the ball in your court. If you are relaxed, chill, ok with everything she might be going through, she'll throw "just friends" out the window. Can you be laid back and go with the flow? She is battling with herself over this. Can you be her ally? Attraction and good sex just can't be switched off, unless you're a Buddhist monk. People desire closeness and she feels it with you. If you support her, you'll both win.

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Drifterofwood
IMO this is her putting the ball in your court. If you are relaxed, chill, ok with everything she might be going through, she'll throw "just friends" out the window. Can you be laid back and go with the flow? She is battling with herself over this. Can you be her ally? Attraction and good sex just can't be switched off, unless you're a Buddhist monk. People desire closeness and she feels it with you. If you support her, you'll both win.

 

I understand that pov, but I'm afraid of the whole idea that I'll just get strung along as a backup if things don't go the way she plans.

 

Seems like the majority believe I should continue so I'll see where it goes.

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I understand that pov, but I'm afraid of the whole idea that I'll just get strung along as a backup if things don't go the way she plans.

 

Seems like the majority believe I should continue so I'll see where it goes.

 

If you think that you'll be a backup, you probably have deeper insecurity issues.

Try to solve your deep lying insecurities. Find out what is making you think less than for yourself and get some help fixing it

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You should probably make her your backup.

 

She's telling you that she doesn't want to take you seriously. She might be afraid you will.

 

If you can keep it fun and non-committal, she's giving you a green light. "Hang out" with her. And if she says the same thing again, AGREE AND AMPLIFY.

 

Stop thinking about her as a girlfriend or a potential from now on.

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Kid_Charlemange
It just seems extremely quick to change and want to be friends (her trip was only 3 days).

 

I hate to be the one to say this, but she might have met someone else on that trip. That would explain the rapid turnaround.

 

What should you do? It depends on what you want. If you're content to just be friends, do so. If not, don't -- virtually no one escapes from the Friend Zone. Once that switch has been flipped, it's very hard to flip it back. You have an advantage in that you were intimate with her once: Most guys trying to escape the Friend Zone have never been anything but friends.

 

My advice would be to give her a little time and space. If she reaches out to you (and she probably will) during a two-week or so time out, tell her you're not comfortable just being friends, because you have feelings for her. Don't make it an ultimatum, but be clear that you are interested in a relationship. In a sense, you'll be holding your friendship as hostage, but of course you can't say that.

 

Again, it all depends on what you want. If you really enjoy her company and don't want her out of your life, then do the friend thing and hope for the best. If you really want her as a romantic partner, you're going to have make her miss you a little, and have her come to realize that she wants you in her life.

 

Best of luck either way.

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Drifterofwood
I hate to be the one to say this, but she might have met someone else on that trip. That would explain the rapid turnaround.

 

My advice would be to give her a little time and space. If she reaches out to you (and she probably will) during a two-week or so time out, tell her you're not comfortable just being friends, because you have feelings for her. Don't make it an ultimatum, but be clear that you are interested in a relationship. In a sense, you'll be holding your friendship as hostage, but of course you can't say that.

 

Again, it all depends on what you want. If you really enjoy her company and don't want her out of your life, then do the friend thing and hope for the best. If you really want her as a romantic partner, you're going to have make her miss you a little, and have her come to realize that she wants you in her life.

 

Best of luck either way.

 

Now this is the similar mindset I had. However, I find it hard to assume that she met someone on her trip. It's not like going to visit Washington would be a frequent thing for her. Now, if we were to assume she might have met someone new at work or was talking to someone at the same time, that would explain the change (of course this is unlikely since she spends her only days off with me, but I guess I'm not accounting for what goes on at work).

 

I want her as a romantic partner so I haven't talked to her for a while. She texted me a few days ago about how awful her day was. I invited her to dinner, which was probably a mistake on my part. I'm hoping the switch in mindset was due to some other means, because you just don't have sex one day and a few days later decide you just want to be friends, do you?

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I would say chances of third party involvement are extremely high. Whether it is someone she met on her trip or not, I don't know. But I would bet my bottom dollar that you are being back-burnered for someone else.

 

So she wants to be friends, say sure, will this friendship have benefits? If the story about the 8 months thing is true then why not?

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Drifterofwood
I would say chances of third party involvement are extremely high. Whether it is someone she met on her trip or not, I don't know. But I would bet my bottom dollar that you are being back-burnered for someone else.

 

So she wants to be friends, say sure, will this friendship have benefits? If the story about the 8 months thing is true then why not?

 

The 8 month thing is true. I've seen her visa and paperwork (she had some problems with immigration services). I also believe there is some third party involvement, but I don't want to rush to conclusions. She is a really sweet girl and is really homesick so I'd like to give her the benefit of the doubt. I never thought I would feel this way about a girl from another country.

 

I just hope this isn't the case. My ex girlfriend did something similar where she just decided we should just be friends, but then proceeded to delete me on fb and stop all contact. She obviously had other reasons and used the whole friend ordeal to soften the blow. This girl, however, still talks and wants to hang out so I don't know what is going on.

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The 8 month thing is true. I've seen her visa and paperwork (she had some problems with immigration services).

Oh sorry for the confusion, I don't think it's not true that she's going away in 8 months... I mean the story that she is afraid to commit due to the 8 months time limit. Combined with the sudden change in behaviour. Seems very fishy. If it's true then why not just have a short term casual relationship? Might as well have fun for the 8 months right?

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Oh sorry for the confusion, I don't think it's not true that she's going away in 8 months... I mean the story that she is afraid to commit due to the 8 months time limit. Combined with the sudden change in behaviour. Seems very fishy. If it's true then why not just have a short term casual relationship? Might as well have fun for the 8 months right?

 

Ill tell you why OP doesnt want a casual relationship.

He's too busy wanting to lock the girl down. - The girl wants the casual relationship.

Hahaha he's worrying about being a back up

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Now this is the similar mindset I had. However, I find it hard to assume that she met someone on her trip. It's not like going to visit Washington would be a frequent thing for her. Now, if we were to assume she might have met someone new at work or was talking to someone at the same time, that would explain the change (of course this is unlikely since she spends her only days off with me, but I guess I'm not accounting for what goes on at work).

 

I want her as a romantic partner so I haven't talked to her for a while. She texted me a few days ago about how awful her day was. I invited her to dinner, which was probably a mistake on my part. I'm hoping the switch in mindset was due to some other means, because you just don't have sex one day and a few days later decide you just want to be friends, do you?

 

Huh? You've got it so twisted.

 

You're mindset is so off. You think she might not have meant someone on her trip? I'd assume she absolutely DID. Now, maybe she didn't mean a potential dating partner, but maybe she met someone who made her realize that she likes her freedom and being hit on by different guys in a distant place and that maybe she doesn't want to get locked in by you.

 

Sometimes all it takes is meeting someone to realize what you want, it doesn't necessarily mean she is still talking to this person.

 

And yes, you can just have sex one day and decide to be friends later after even a day. It happens ALL THE TIME.

 

I don't know what dating world you are living in, but the girl has POINT BLANK told you what she wants, and you still want to hammer through that. You'll be the guy who in 8 months asks, "What'd I do wrong!?"

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