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Clingy vs. Independent


Leilah

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Well, it's been about 4 weeks since I decided to give my ex of two years another chance. Long story short, he broke up with me for being clingy. So, this time around, I decided to try a different approach (which I had time to work on while I was in no contact). I know I shouldn't change for anyone, but I also hated the feeling of being anxious if he didn't reply. Anyway, I let him initiate most conversations and activities now, and I always try to be the first to cut the conversation short. In the mean time, I occupy myself with hobbies, work, and friends. Just by giving him space, his behavior towards me has changed dramatically.

 

When I was "clingy", I felt like he was constantly scrambling to get away from me like a frightened cat, but now, I feel like he's the one chasing after me for once. He's taken me to fancy dinners, ironically tries to spend more time with me, won't even let me touch a door, etc. In my two years with him, he's never acted like this. Not only does he treat me better now that I let him initiate most things, but I feel more emotionally stable and independent.

 

I guess I just wanted to see if anyone noticed this type of behavior from a mate by simply giving them space.

 

(EDIT: We were separated for about 2 months so not too long.)

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sdrawkcaB ssA

ok, so you were clingy... did you do it because everything seemed so wonderful with him, or did you not trust him enough???

 

 

 

men find clingyness a bit difficult when they have independance to be with friends and hobbies.

 

 

 

 

some men relish a woman at their heals, but if anything it is wanting shared feelings and luv. so if your independant you must allow for more shared contact if you find the other needing so. Never give up who you are in changing for someone. if anything, nobody should change for someone, change must be from the heart and accepted as so from the other.

 

 

 

 

hope you find the balance, as any lopsidedness will throw you back to where you were.

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I think you are doing the right thing to let him initiate contact and dates 75% of the time. This will help to compensate for being clingy in the past and shows him you have changed. Keep up the good work.

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Giving your partner space is always important, IMO. But if you feel that you have to be completely stand-offish (never initiate anything, etc) just to get your partner to want you... I dunno. It depends on the sort of relationship you want, I guess.

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People communicate love/caring differently. If this works for both of you, don't look down, just enjoy each other.

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ok, so you were clingy... did you do it because everything seemed so wonderful with him, or did you not trust him enough???

 

 

 

men find clingyness a bit difficult when they have independance to be with friends and hobbies.

 

 

 

 

some men relish a woman at their heals, but if anything it is wanting shared feelings and luv. so if your independant you must allow for more shared contact if you find the other needing so. Never give up who you are in changing for someone. if anything, nobody should change for someone, change must be from the heart and accepted as so from the other.

 

 

 

 

hope you find the balance, as any lopsidedness will throw you back to where you were.

 

I mainly was clingy due to my insecurities. He grew more distant, and instead of giving him space, I latched on. I agree that I shouldn't give up who I am for someone, but at the same time, I feel like this is a positive change for myself. I no longer feel disappointed or anxious if he doesn't respond, because I feel more comfortable with myself.

 

 

I think you are doing the right thing to let him initiate contact and dates 75% of the time. This will help to compensate for being clingy in the past and shows him you have changed. Keep up the good work.

 

Thank you so much! Again, I let him do it most of the time, but I also initiate once in awhile (Otherwise, it wouldn't be fair to him). I just see him as being more genuinely happy with me.

 

Giving your partner space is always important, IMO. But if you feel that you have to be completely stand-offish (never initiate anything, etc) just to get your partner to want you... I dunno. It depends on the sort of relationship you want, I guess.

 

I can see that from your perspective as well. Like the above poster mentioned, I just need to find a balance between the two where we are both happy. As of right now, I feel content despite letting him do the initiating.

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hello,

 

as i a guy i had a ex that was very clingy, at times i did not mind it however over time i felt the constant need to pay her attention or acknowledge her, to the point that it became irritating, she would tell me she loves me 10+ times a day and constantly want cuddles etc.... i was busy/stressed out working/studying and she felt "emotionally disconnected" and cheated on me.... i miss and love her everyday but had to let her go because of the incompatibility/lies and deceit and betrayal... she clearly wasn't happy because i become irritated and started ignoring her.

 

It takes alot of mental and physical energy to maintain clingyness. i managed to survive it for 3 years, and surprisingly i miss it now she gone....maybe he is starting to miss it? who knows... just remember to keep the communication up i hope this experience helps.

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People communicate love/caring differently. If this works for both of you, don't look down, just enjoy each other.

 

I completely agree. I think it's working out surprisingly well! Perhaps, it's because I'm more involved in activities which is making me happier. This happiness overflows into other aspects of my life, including my relationship with him. So, during this moment, I will definitely enjoy his company and just continue to live my life.

 

hello,

 

as i a guy i had a ex that was very clingy, at times i did not mind it however over time i felt the constant need to pay her attention or acknowledge her, to the point that it became irritating, she would tell me she loves me 10+ times a day and constantly want cuddles etc.... i was busy/stressed out working/studying and she felt "emotionally disconnected" and cheated on me.... i miss and love her everyday but had to let her go because of the incompatibility/lies and deceit and betrayal... she clearly wasn't happy because i become irritated and started ignoring her.

 

It takes alot of mental and physical energy to maintain clingyness. i managed to survive it for 3 years, and surprisingly i miss it now she gone....maybe he is starting to miss it? who knows... just remember to keep the communication up i hope this experience helps.

 

Ah, I'm glad you're sharing your story, because I definitely need to view things from his perspective. He reacted like you did in the sense he became irritated and ignored me. I'm not sure if he misses it per se, but he's definitely not elusive or "busy" anymore. Thank you again for sharing!

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isisisweeping

As long as it settles down at some point so you can just be normal, I think it's fine.

 

I wasted several years on someone who wanted me very much when I disconnected (romantic gestures, love letters, extravagant gifts) but would back way off whenever I tried to have a normal relationship. (And the backing off did set off a bit of clinginess, though it came first- until I got fed up and then the apologies and heavy pursuing would begin again. I'll tell you, when he talked about his ex wife being so dependent and I pitied her... I won't be so blind as to not assume another side to the story again since he fostered it with everything he had!)

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Now you've smartened up. If you have to force them to be with you, it's not worth anything. If they show up of their own free will, you know they love you.

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If this is the "new you", I think it's just fine. If you're forcing this behavior onto yourself, then it doesn't sound ideal. I read where you said you feel better, etc. when you do this, and you're right, but that doesn't address how hard you're working to achieve it.

 

I just hope it is becoming second nature to you. And I hope he's not getting clingy on you.

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SummerDreams

Congratulations, you've set yourself up to live a life of an actress: pretend you are something else than who you are and end up being miserable about it.

 

If a man finds your love and concern "clingy", it means this man is not able to appreciate you. There is no need to change yourself to suit his needs, cause in the end you'll feel really unhappy and he'll leave you for other reasons. He likes the chase and the mystery. You can't take this type of men seriously.

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I think it would serve you to understand the cause of your clingy behavior then start at the root, because if you're only pretending now by doing (or not doing) certain things but your mentality itself hasn't truly changed, sooner or later you will revert to your old behaviors OR you'll feel like you're in a relationship where you are acting.

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I don't think you are pretending, you just self improved. Not only has it dramatically improved your relationship, but it has given you self esteem. IMO this change has benefited you greatly. It's call maturing. You saw the issue, you worked on it, you have grown from your experience. This was just one of those life's lessons. So don't listen those who say you are "faking it" you faked nothing, you made a change to make yourself a better person. There is nothing more refreshing to a relationship than having a life outside the relationship, and have your own independence, and you have shown it here. You just saved yourself from a life time of failed relationships from what would have been codependency. Congratz to you!

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I think you have done some improvements to yourself and made you better. Once you did that, you become more attractive. That is the key, you have to love yourself first before you can love someone else. Once you're in a relationship though, you should find that balance. You can initiate sometimes too and this shouldn't make you feel bad or clingy. You should be able to call/plan/be affectionate when you want to and allow him to do that as well.

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