My boyfriend still has a Match.com profile?!

[kpr0411]

I've been dating a guy for around 3 months and I think it has been going pretty well so far. We're both in our mid 30's (he's 36 and I'm almost 34), both of us have good jobs, and neither of us have been married. I have a 2 year old from a previous relationship and have just gone through some custody issues with my ex. The other day I was helping my sister (who lives in the same town) go through some match.com profiles and we came across my boyfriend's profile (which I had no idea he had)!

 

I thought that maybe he once had a profile but forgot to delete it but it says he has been active within 24 hours multiple times over the past month (I've decided to check every once in a while just out of curiosity). I'm also a little concerned because on his profile it says he is looking for someone without kids so I don't know if he actually seriously likes me, is afraid to break up with me since I'm a single mom, or is continuing to look for someone he likes that doesn't have kids.

 

I know some people have said match.com can have "ghost" profiles that show as active, continue to show deactivated accounts, and even set up fake accounts but I don't know how true this really is. I'd like to think the "active within ___" on his account is a glitch but I'm confused as to why he hasn't made his profile hidden or deactivated it since we've started dating. I haven't talked to him about it yet since it is relatively early in our relationship but how concerned should I be about this?

[smackie9]

Hell no it's not too early! have you had the talk about being "official"? and agreed that you both are together in a committed relationship? If not you are just an option until he finds something better.

 

Better pull that up on your laptop in front of him and ask him to explain. Drill him on it. Why give yourself a false sense of security,by sticking on the blinders? Worried you might scare him away? Huh that would be a good thing.

[kpr0411]

Hell no it's not too early! have you had the talk about being "official"? and agreed that you both are together in a committed relationship? If not you are just an option until he finds something better.

 

Better pull that up on your laptop in front of him and ask him to explain. Drill him on it. Why give yourself a false sense of security,by sticking on the blinders? Worried you might scare him away? Huh that would be a good thing.

 

I mean we call each other boyfriend/girlfriend so I guess it's "official". He is a very nice guy and its hard to picture him looking online for other options. I guess I'm just unsure of how to bring it up to him without coming across as paranoid/obsessive or having trust issues. I'm just at a point in my life where I don't have the time or energy to deal with unfaithfulness or dishonesty.

[Dork Vader]

The ghost profiles sounds like complete garbage. Do you know how many problems that would create for match.com? How many people would be suing because their SO saw that they were supposedly active?

 

Do you have any friends that he doesn't know? Someone attractive? Have them set up a profile and message him. See if he responds or reads it. You'll know for certian if he is using it then.

 

You also need to talk to him about exclusivity. Talk to him about where you two are at.. If he says you're an exclusive couple you've got a problem.

 

I would not be worried about him wanting a woman no kids. I have that in my profile when I made the profile that was what I wanted. Met a beautiful woman who has 2. I'm completely okay with it.

 

If he tells you you're not exclusive then that is why he is on there still. From there you need to decide how you feel. If you want a relationship then tell him and see how he responds.

 

If he tells you're exclusive and he responds to messages on match.com. You can confront him and move on.

 

I have left my profiles up on dating web sites for about 3 months. I got burnt out on constantly creating new profiles after 1-2 months of dating failed. But I'd never log in.

[kpr0411]

Hell no it's not too early! have you had the talk about being "official"? and agreed that you both are together in a committed relationship? If not you are just an option until he finds something better.

 

Better pull that up on your laptop in front of him and ask him to explain. Drill him on it. Why give yourself a false sense of security,by sticking on the blinders? Worried you might scare him away? Huh that would be a good thing.

 

The ghost profiles sounds like complete garbage. Do you know how many problems that would create for match.com? How many people would be suing because their SO saw that they were supposedly active?

 

Do you have any friends that he doesn't know? Someone attractive? Have them set up a profile and message him. See if he responds or reads it. You'll know for certian if he is using it then.

 

You also need to talk to him about exclusivity. Talk to him about where you two are at.. If he says you're an exclusive couple you've got a problem.

 

I would not be worried about him wanting a woman no kids. I have that in my profile when I made the profile that was what I wanted. Met a beautiful woman who has 2. I'm completely okay with it.

 

If he tells you you're not exclusive then that is why he is on there still. From there you need to decide how you feel. If you want a relationship then tell him and see how he responds.

 

If he tells you're exclusive and he responds to messages on match.com. You can confront him and move on.

 

I have left my profiles up on dating web sites for about 3 months. I got burnt out on constantly creating new profiles after 1-2 months of dating failed. But I'd never log in.

 

Since we refer to each other as boyfriend and girlfriend I'd like to think we are exclusive. Apparently there was a lawsuit against Match over the ghost profiles (as well as other reasons) so perhaps his is just another case or maybe he just leaves it up because he can't keep long term relationships? There's so many thoughts going through my head that I'll have to ask him about it but I don't know the best way to do so.

[katinlc]

I have a match account and the only time it logs me in when I haven't physically logged into the site is when I look at e-mails match sends me. Like if someone messages me or winks and I pull up the full e-mail, the info apparently is being taken from the website and that is why it shows you logged in. Other than that, I have never seen where it randomly shows me as logged in when I haven't done anything.

 

 

I think it probably is important to establish exclusivity with this guy...While you would like to think calling each other bf/gf means this, he may not. Before I would confront him about the profile, I would lock that down or his excuse may be "I didn't know we were exclusive."

[smackie9]

Most people who find themselves as "exclusive" I would imagine they would take their profile down. Why would there be a need right?

 

Relationships fail more from the lack of communication, other than touching on touchy subjects. If he thinks you are being unreasonable then you have a guy that is hiding something.

[Gaeta]

Create a fake profile and go talk to him. Look out for yourself, no one else will do that for you.

[tippydog90]

I hate to sound harsh here but so be it. I have been in your position, my boyfriend was continuing to look at Match after meeting me and dating me for a while. I confronted him about it and he deleted his profile - bad move on my part to even give him a chance after that. Fast forward over two years later after we were married. He signed up for Match again during a very short separation that didn't even last 2 weeks - along with writing to woman on Craigslist, etc. Fast forward another 3 years, we are divorcing now.

 

I am sorry, I would confront him about it and if there isn't a really, really good excuse (and I can't imagine what that would be), then I would dump him. He has the "grass is greener syndrome" just like my STBX. He is just stringing you along until someone more to his liking comes along.

 

Again, I am sorry to be harsh. But it sounds like you have what you have both considered to be an exclusive relationship and he is doing this? Get rid of him, you deserve better.

[longjohn]

I've had a Match.com profile before. If it's up live and showing active within x number of hours then someone has actually logged into that account. You could ask him about it but if he's exploring other options he may downplay/hide it. You could check out his computer/phone to confirm he actually has logged in. Or.. You could create your own profile on the site, use a friends pictures and flirt with him. See if he'll give up his number. If so that'd confirm he's on and looking. You can then confidently dump him and I wouldn't give him the pleasure of knowing why. Telling him why would allow him to hide this behavior from the next woman.

 

However if this were I and I found my gf had a dating profile up after it was agreed either verbally or non verbally to be exclusive she'd find herself single very fast. I honestly would waste time messing around with people playing stupid games or allow them the opportunity to hide things or come up with excuses. Actions without a doubt sometimes speak louder than words.

[MissBee]

I've been dating a guy for around 3 months and I think it has been going pretty well so far. We're both in our mid 30's (he's 36 and I'm almost 34), both of us have good jobs, and neither of us have been married. I have a 2 year old from a previous relationship and have just gone through some custody issues with my ex. The other day I was helping my sister (who lives in the same town) go through some match.com profiles and we came across my boyfriend's profile (which I had no idea he had)!

 

I thought that maybe he once had a profile but forgot to delete it but it says he has been active within 24 hours multiple times over the past month (I've decided to check every once in a while just out of curiosity). I'm also a little concerned because on his profile it says he is looking for someone without kids so I don't know if he actually seriously likes me, is afraid to break up with me since I'm a single mom, or is continuing to look for someone he likes that doesn't have kids.

 

I know some people have said match.com can have "ghost" profiles that show as active, continue to show deactivated accounts, and even set up fake accounts but I don't know how true this really is. I'd like to think the "active within ___" on his account is a glitch but I'm confused as to why he hasn't made his profile hidden or deactivated it since we've started dating. I haven't talked to him about it yet since it is relatively early in our relationship but how concerned should I be about this?

 

What do you mean since it's early? When should you wait to ask? A year in?

 

I'd ask about it now. You don't have to accuse just tell him the truth that you came across his profile while helping your sister and noticed he has one up and more importantly he doesn't want someone with kids, then see what he says.

 

I am ALL for being honest and upfront and CLEAR about your intentions. 3 months is sufficient time IMO to be able to ask this if you're exclusive. Frankly, not sure how people get to be exclusive without posing such questions, as how do you even know it makes sense to pursue anything. I would rather know I am wasting my time 3 months in than 3 years. You also have a child to consider here and it's also not like you are teens or in college but established adults, he's almost 40....I don't think in your 30s there is a too soon. Ask him!

[TigerLilly78]

If hes actively looking at his dating profile a lot then no matter what he says hes not your BF im sorry OP I know that sucks..Heck I took mine down before we were even "together" there was no need for it once I knew the feelings were mutual and things were going in that direction..

 

You need to be 100% honest and tell him exactley what you told us you were helping your sister and saw his profile and whats going on then take it from there. Or you can do as others say and go the seeky route its up to you but eather way you need to get it sorted sooner then later..

[MissBee]

Create a fake profile and go talk to him. Look out for yourself, no one else will do that for you.

 

Why?

 

I think she should just ask him instead of going through the games of creating fake profiles. I mean the last I recalled someone doing that was freshman year of college where my friend decided to make a fake Myspace page to message her bf from to test him...

 

I thought it a waste of precious time then and worse in your 30s. Why not ask first and see his response and then go from there? Because if she pretends to be someone else and he responds in a way she hoped he wouldn't or even if he doesn't, they're still gonna need to be adults and talk. No point in being in a relationship where you always need to go through back channels and stealth work instead of approaching your SO directly.

 

If I were to see that my bf has up a dating profile I'm gonna pull it up and ask him about it...not sit down creating a fake profile to talk to him. What he says, how he says it etc will tell me all I need to know.

[Gaeta]

Why?

 

I think she should just ask him instead of going through the games of creating fake profiles. I mean the last I recalled someone doing that was freshman year of college where my friend decided to make a fake Myspace page to message her bf from to test him...

 

I thought it a waste of precious time then and worse in your 30s. Why not ask first and see his response and then go from there? Because if she pretends to be someone else and he responds in a way she hoped he wouldn't or even if he doesn't, they're still gonna need to be adults and talk. No point in being in a relationship where you always need to go through back channels and stealth work instead of approaching your SO directly.

 

If I were to see that my bf has up a dating profile I'm gonna pull it up and ask him about it...not sit down creating a fake profile to talk to him. What he says, how he says it etc will tell me all I need to know.

 

1. Because SOME men lie and he's going to put her to sleep with a story.

 

2. Because until she does not see it with her own eyes she will always wonder.

 

3. Closure will come faster if she witness herself what a dog he is.

 

I did the noble thing, I spoke about it and I was given a 'story' and I chose to believe. His profile disappeared and he logged on a different site and proceeded with different means.

 

One time I decided to play the game. After 3 months he told me I was the only one blahblahblablah, I saw him online. I created a false profile and withing 5 minutes he had set up a meeting with me. I called him up and told him to F off. End of story.

Edited August 29, 2014 by Gaeta

[longjohn]

1. Because SOME men lie and he's going to put her to sleep with a story.

 

2. Because until she does not see it with her own eyes she will always wonder.

 

3. Closure will come faster if she witness herself what a dog he is.

 

I did the noble thing, I spoke about it and I was given a 'story' and I chose to believe. His profile disappeared and he logged on a different site and proceeded with different means.

 

One time I decided to play the game. After 3 months he told me I was the only one blahblahblablah, I saw him online. I created a false profile and withing 5 minutes he had set up a meeting with me. I called him up and told him to F off. End of story.

I agree with this, I had an ex that I confronted in the past all it did was allow her a chance to cover things up. I had another ex that I didn't confront I was able to acquire evidence and blindside her. I had a recent relationship and again I confronted and she was able to do some cleanup.

 

 

Personally I think the OP should get out or acquire some evidence if need be. I honestly wouldn't waste the time and just bail out.

[Dork Vader]

I suppose you can just talk to him about it. But he might not be honest about it.

[Sunfire73]

At 2 months in, I found out my bf was still in Match. I asked him directly if he's still looking or planning to date others. Then I told him i saw him at Match and says he was active the last 24 hrs.. He said no, and then found out that just clicking on an email from match would automatically say he was active. He complained to Match about this and stopped his subscription.

 

So you just have to ask him directly. It's simple.

[hellon]

I mean we call each other boyfriend/girlfriend so I guess it's "official". He is a very nice guy and its hard to picture him looking online for other options. I guess I'm just unsure of how to bring it up to him without coming across as paranoid/obsessive or having trust issues. I'm just at a point in my life where I don't have the time or energy to deal with unfaithfulness or dishonesty.

 

Yeah...

 

I'd be concerned if at 3 months my boyfriend still had an active online profile.

You came across it in an honest way- so if you approach him with that fact and calmly, you won't come across as paranoid.

[mightycpa]

Create a fake profile and go talk to him. Look out for yourself, no one else will do that for you.

 

Take it a step further and agree to a coffee meetup. That way you can yell at him.

[Keenly]

Create a fake profile and go talk to him. Look out for yourself, no one else will do that for you.

 

This would be the less nature way to handle this situation.

 

 

Since you are assuming exclusivity , and your sitting on this information rather than having aconversation about it, why aren't you actually talking to him ?

 

 

Why don't you sit down, ask him what you two are, and then in a way that's not attacking him, bring up the profile and attempt to have an adult conversation about your exclusivity and boundaries.

[Gaeta]

This would be the less nature way to handle this situation.

 

 

Since you are assuming exclusivity , and your sitting on this information rather than having aconversation about it, why aren't you actually talking to him ?

 

 

Why don't you sit down, ask him what you two are, and then in a way that's not attacking him, bring up the profile and attempt to have an adult conversation about your exclusivity and boundaries.

 

He calls her 'his girlfriend'.

 

So we should explain to a man what being 'a girlfriend' means? and what boundaries are when you have a girlfriend?

Edited August 29, 2014 by Gaeta

[Keenly]

He calls her 'his girlfriend'.

 

So we should explain to a man what being 'a girlfriend' means? and what boundaries are when you have a girlfriend?

 

But this doesn't actually mean anything without a conversation about established exclusivity and where you two stand as a couple.

 

 

She is ASSUMING exclusivity when that was never actually discussed.

 

The easiest way to go about this without deception or entrapment is to just communicate. This sounds like it can all be resolved with one five minute conversation.

[mightycpa]

you won't come across as paranoid.

 

Even if hie is inactive on Match, and he's innocent of looking around, the whole "NO KIDS" thing is a red flag for OP, don't you think?

[Keenly]

Even if hie is inactive on Match, and he's innocent of looking around, the whole "NO KIDS" thing is a red flag for OP, don't you think?

 

I don't believe it is. When on OLD, because its so much more work than when dates and relationships form organically, you tend to be more picky about what you want.

 

 

For example, on OLD I specifically look for women without kids. However, if in real life I met an awesome woman with a kid/s, it would not interfere with my desire for her.

 

 

Preferences and deal breakers are not the same things.

[Mascara]

Maybe the OP should just tell him she can't go out on Saturday as she has a date. Should sort how whether he thinks they're "exclusive"