Girlfirend doesn't want to have sex anymore

[JessieB.]

Hey guys. My girlfriend of 8 months did something pretty crappy to me. A little back story we had sex for the first time a few months ago. She is not on birth control but always promised to get on it. A few weeks ago she asked if it was okay with me to stop having sex till she went on the birth control and then we could have sex again. I agreed to it.

 

While at work I get the following messages. What she started out with came completely out of the blue.

 

GF: "Can I ask you a question?"

 

Me: "Sure whats your question?"

 

GF: "You don't think I'm pregnant do you?"

 

Me: "What? We haven't had sex for 3 weeks now and we used protection. Where did this question come from and why do you think this?

 

GF: "Idk"

 

Me: "Are you pregnant?"

 

GF: "I really don't think I am. I was just asking. I just think that its going to be a long time before we have sex again"

 

Me: "Why?"

 

GF: "Because I dont like the idea of having a pregnancy scare"

 

Me: "But that's why you are going on birth control?"

 

GF: "I'm still going to go on birth control but I dont think we should have sex for a long time"

 

Me: "That doesn't make sense. Why on earth would you want to go on birth control and not want to have sex?"

 

GF: "Because someone cant control his urges."

 

Me: "Um. Im not sure whats happening right now but you know thats false. Anytime you say no I back off. Right?"

 

GF: "Yeah"

 

Me: "So what does this mean you never want to have sex with me ever again?"

 

GF: "Yeah"

 

Me: "That kind of hurts. Do you not find me attractive any more?"

 

GF: "I just dont like pregnancy scares"

 

Me: "We've never had a scare before. And you said you dont think you are so what in the world is happening right now?"

 

At this point we fought for a couple of hours. Long story short I get called an ******* that only cares about sex and i'm left in the dust hating my body.

 

At the apology stage she back tracks by telling me its only temporary till we have sex again and she didn't mean all of that. To add salt to the wound heres what happened about a couple of hours ago.

 

GF: "I'm sorry again. I do find you attractive. Its just a temporary thing. I definitely didnt mean for this to happen. Why do you feel that way?"

 

Me: "Just the way you worded everything. You said you didn't want to have sex with me anymore. That word anymore means a permanent thing to me. It made me feel like i'm not attractive to you anymore. Its just you hurt my ego really bad. I have a question for you. Since you don't want sex for a while does this mean we cant be intimate anymore?"

 

An hour later:

 

Me: "Hello?"

 

GF: "Yeah just fell asleep. Night"

 

Glad she cares about me to stay awake.

 

I just don't understand what happen. Not only did she hurt me but she hurt my ego. I even told her that but she was stuck on the one track mind that I was an ******* that was just dating her for sex even though I told her no I wasnt.

 

What do you guys think?

Edited August 29, 2014 by JessieB.

[UltimaWeapon]

All signs point to that there could be someone else in the picture. Shes looking for excuses to not be intimate with you. I had the same thing happen with my ex of 4.5 years- at the time she was emotionally cheating on me already with the guy she left me for and I had no idea. Her mind wasn't into having sex with me anymore.

 

Be cautious. but this isn't a good sign

[SweetLass]

I know that there was a relationship I was trying to get out of but I didn't want to just come out and say I dont want to be with you so I would say things that I know would hurt their feelings so that they would end the relationship first. I feel like this is what she's doing. My husband also dated a girl once who did the same. She made these ridiculous accusations about him cheating but had no proof about anything, at least this is what he told me, and I'm pretty sure it was just because she was trying to end the relationship without really ending it. if that makes sense at all

[Andy_K]

Listen to any or all of the above posters... This relationship is over. She's mentally checked out at the very least.

 

Move on.

[Million.to.1]

Maybe she feels you only care about sex so she is testing you to see if you'll stick it out for a dry period. Very immature if so.

 

Maybe she doesn't want to go on birth control which is understandable as they can play havoc with some woman. Many don't work well with me, lot's of side effects.

 

But clearly she is not being honest anyway.. her answers are just lame.

 

She doesn't sound mature enough for a relationship regardless. Game playing and excuses are for children.

 

Dump her.

[central]

My take is that she has a very low sex drive, and is using this as an excuse to avoid sex. It will only get worse with time, IMO. As many posters above have suggested, dump her ASAP and find someone who doesn't have libido or mental issues.

[CarrieT]

I think the maturity level is key here.

 

OP, how old are you two?

 

Honestly, the whole texting convo to me sounded like she was dealing with a lot more emotions than she was capable of and a pregnancy scare just amplified those emotions.

 

Sex can bring forth all sorts of unwanted psychological feelings and it might be safer for her to stop having sex and stop dealing with the onslaught of emotions that accompany that form of intimacy.

 

I have a gut feeling, OP, that it has nothing to do with you in the big picture, but is really her way of installing a defense mechanism to her own psyche.

 

The best thing you can do is respect her feelings. Whatever the core reason (which you may never really determine). She may be too young to be able to express the WHY she wants to stop having sex, but "no" means "no." Don't pressure her for an answer. It will probably reveal itself in time.

[RonaldS]

Don't overthink it. She's probably just crazy. Best to back slowly away, then run like h*ll. Find a better girl.

 

My name is RonaldS, and I approve this message.

[Photofinish]

I actually dont have sex in relationships I am because I do not like to deal with pregnancy scares.... I also dont want to go on birth control because it's really bad for you.

I almost had sex in my last relationship and im super happy I didnt. I got pressured alot and I might have gotten knocked up. I dont believe in abortions so that would've been a problem.

 

I wish people were more compassionate. Life isnt about sex. Some people dont want to have it.

 

It doesnt mean she's crazy. It just means shes taking care of herself.

 

The people on these forum are so cruel at times. Geez.

OP, The choice is up to you but honestly, if you love her then you would wait.

[Photofinish]

Maybe she feels you only care about sex so she is testing you to see if you'll stick it out for a dry period. Very immature if so.

 

Maybe she doesn't want to go on birth control which is understandable as they can play havoc with some woman. Many don't work well with me, lot's of side effects.

 

But clearly she is not being honest anyway.. her answers are just lame.

 

She doesn't sound mature enough for a relationship regardless. Game playing and excuses are for children.

 

Dump her.

 

Sounded pretty straight forward to me

"I dont like pregnancy scares"

[GorillaTheater]

Sounded pretty straight forward to me

"I dont like pregnancy scares"

 

Well, few of us do, but one of the people in the texting conversation didn't come across as terribly rational.

 

I'm leaning towards Enigma's take.

[Photofinish]

Well, few of us do, but one of the people in the texting conversation didn't come across as terribly rational.

 

I'm leaning towards Enigma's take.

 

So I'm crazy because I dont want to have sex?

 

Hm. Nice to know.

[longjohn]

If I where you I'd get out and stay out of this one. My ex did something similar around about the time she was having an emotional affair with another man. Similar story too, no sex with me as things heated up with her and the other guy. I believe she wanted to break from me, which she did.. in her mind then she moved on to the other guy. This was all the while still sharing a house and bed with me at night.

[smackie9]

I actually dont have sex in relationships I am because I do not like to deal with pregnancy scares.... I also dont want to go on birth control because it's really bad for you.

I almost had sex in my last relationship and im super happy I didnt. I got pressured alot and I might have gotten knocked up. I dont believe in abortions so that would've been a problem.

 

I wish people were more compassionate. Life isnt about sex. Some people dont want to have it.

 

It doesnt mean she's crazy. It just means shes taking care of herself.

 

The people on these forum are so cruel at times. Geez.

OP, The choice is up to you but honestly, if you love her then you would wait.

 

 

Birth control has very small risks now because it is low dose. The pill actually helps prevent ovarian cancer btw. You are just making excuses for your own insecurities about sex. It is not unreasonable to just say you want it to be special on your wedding day, but to blab excuses like that, I would wonder if you would ever be comfortable enough to even have a normal sex life with your future husband.

 

As for the OPs GF, it would be very different if there was an agreement at the beginning of their dating, that there would be no sex until marriage, but it IS unreasonable to stop sex after allowing it to be a part of the relationship. I think it's a crock of s hit to say if he loves her then he will wait. What about if she loves him she would stop with this nonsense. It IS not unreasonable for the OP to end this relationship due to the lack of sex.

Edited August 29, 2014 by smackie9

[GorillaTheater]

So I'm crazy because I dont want to have sex?

 

Hm. Nice to know.

 

Well, you're free to skew what I said that way if you want to.

[Keenly]

I actually dont have sex in relationships I am because I do not like to deal with pregnancy scares.... I also dont want to go on birth control because it's really bad for you.

I almost had sex in my last relationship and im super happy I didnt. I got pressured alot and I might have gotten knocked up. I dont believe in abortions so that would've been a problem.

 

I wish people were more compassionate. Life isnt about sex. Some people dont want to have it.

 

It doesnt mean she's crazy. It just means shes taking care of herself.

 

The people on these forum are so cruel at times. Geez.

OP, The choice is up to you but honestly, if you love her then you would wait.

 

 

The " if you love him / her? Then you would xxxxx " is emotional blackmail. One could easily say that if you loved your boyfriend, you would have sex with him.

 

The problem is people have needs. You have the need to not have sex, which I personally can't relate to but I appreciate that you have made your own life decisions, but it seems in your situation your ex had needs to, needs that you were not willing to provide.

 

 

The problem in this situation reminds me a lot of what happened to me in my first relationship.

 

 

We were dating for a year and a half, everything was great, lots of sex, she was very attentive and very, very sexually generous. Then she decided she wanted to go to school in southern California. I suppted her choice, but the distance made it really hard. When she came back she told me that she didn't want to have sex anymore until we got married. I was 21 at the time, and I told her marriage was no where close in my future, and she said okay well then we aren't having sex until we are married.

 

 

I could tell she was using sex in order to pressure me into marrying her, so I factored that into the reasons why I wanted to break it off with her, and I did.

 

 

Its.really rough on the feelings when some one who was your comfortable.sexual partner suddenly decides they don't want to have sex anymore.

[Natsu21]

Let me tell you something, OP. 9 times out of 10, experiences that these guys have will tell you that she is slowly checking out of the relationship. Personal experience I had was that my ex said the same thing when we were in college together. We had a pregnancy scare...she said she didn't want to have sex anymore because of it. I agreed. Lasted 3 days...we were having sex again.

 

Then 2 years later she says she doesn't want to do it. I didn't understand. Weeks later, BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Caught her in bed with another man.

 

If what she says is true(and more than likely, it isn't) here's the simple problem. You don't believe in sex before marriage, especially since you two already had it, it's pointless to wait.

 

My personal opinion is that the girl is checking out and you'll be the last to know, but assuming what she says is true, break up with her anyway. Why?

 

Because you want it, she doesn't. It's selfish for her to blackmail you into fulfilling her interests with something as essentially important to relationships as sex. I'd do some investigating if I were you. I smell a rat. A big, male rat.

[Natsu21]

Hey guys. My girlfriend of 8 months did something pretty crappy to me. A little back story we had sex for the first time a few months ago. She is not on birth control but always promised to get on it. A few weeks ago she asked if it was okay with me to stop having sex till she went on the birth control and then we could have sex again. I agreed to it.

 

While at work I get the following messages. What she started out with came completely out of the blue.

 

GF: "Can I ask you a question?"

 

Me: "Sure whats your question?"

 

GF: "You don't think I'm pregnant do you?"

 

Me: "What? We haven't had sex for 3 weeks now and we used protection. Where did this question come from and why do you think this?

 

GF: "Idk"

 

Me: "Are you pregnant?"

 

GF: "I really don't think I am. I was just asking. I just think that its going to be a long time before we have sex again"

 

Me: "Why?"

 

GF: "Because I dont like the idea of having a pregnancy scare"

 

Me: "But that's why you are going on birth control?"

 

GF: "I'm still going to go on birth control but I dont think we should have sex for a long time"

 

Me: "That doesn't make sense. Why on earth would you want to go on birth control and not want to have sex?"

 

GF: "Because someone cant control his urges."

 

Me: "Um. Im not sure whats happening right now but you know thats false. Anytime you say no I back off. Right?"

 

GF: "Yeah"

 

Me: "So what does this mean you never want to have sex with me ever again?"

 

GF: "Yeah"

 

Me: "That kind of hurts. Do you not find me attractive any more?"

 

GF: "I just dont like pregnancy scares"

 

Me: "We've never had a scare before. And you said you dont think you are so what in the world is happening right now?"

 

At this point we fought for a couple of hours. Long story short I get called an ******* that only cares about sex and i'm left in the dust hating my body.

 

At the apology stage she back tracks by telling me its only temporary till we have sex again and she didn't mean all of that. To add salt to the wound heres what happened about a couple of hours ago.

 

GF: "I'm sorry again. I do find you attractive. Its just a temporary thing. I definitely didnt mean for this to happen. Why do you feel that way?"

 

Me: "Just the way you worded everything. You said you didn't want to have sex with me anymore. That word anymore means a permanent thing to me. It made me feel like i'm not attractive to you anymore. Its just you hurt my ego really bad. I have a question for you. Since you don't want sex for a while does this mean we cant be intimate anymore?"

 

An hour later:

 

Me: "Hello?"

 

GF: "Yeah just fell asleep. Night"

 

Glad she cares about me to stay awake.

 

I just don't understand what happen. Not only did she hurt me but she hurt my ego. I even told her that but she was stuck on the one track mind that I was an ******* that was just dating her for sex even though I told her no I wasnt.

 

What do you guys think?

 

 

Dude...she said she didn't want to have sex with you. She fell asleep on you. You haven't had sex in 3 weeks, and then she calls you an ******* who can't keep it in his pants. She's lashed out at you and fell asleep on you.

 

Forget about what I said earlier. Dump this chick. She's not even interested enough to apologize for falling asleep on you.

 

She's checking out of the relationship. Not only that, there's someone else that's catching her eye.

 

It would be something if she seemed worried about the fact that her sex drive is lowered, but she isn't. She's mad at you for being offended by it. I hate to say it man, but I think your girl may not be your girl anymore.

 

-Natsu21

[mightycpa]

I knew a girl who was on the pill, but made her boyfriend use foam, 2 rubbers and pull out. Offer to do that.

 

If she says yes, then you've got a wacky one on your hands. If she says no, then she's not interested, or she's too wacky.

 

Then, I'm thinking you do it that way a couple of times, and you'll be done.

[oldshirt]

This was a multi-pronged test and you are flunked and this is now her exit strategy.

 

Your relationship as you know it is dead. She's lost her interest in it and d this was basically her activating the self-destruct sequence.

 

She's put your sexlife on hold and her next step will be to take a "break" in the relationship. She will say this 'break' is to sort out her feelings to determine whether she should continue the relationship as a sexual one or not.

 

(In the mean time there isnt at least one other guy she is going to be trying on for size, but that will be another thread when you find out about him/them.)

 

Her next stage will be her saying, "let's-just-be-friends."

 

This relationship is over. Cut your losses, don't invest any more time and energy into her, don't fan the flames of drama and don't burn any bridges. Just say you enjoyed dating her and you'll always have warm, fond memories of her........then let her go and move on and find someone else yourself.

 

 

If you try to fight this battle and try to keep her, it will end in drama and hurt feelings and mutual bitterness and resentment.

[hellon]

OP, it sounds like she's being manipulative and/or immature to me, whatever her motivation.

 

Maybe she really just wants to take a break from the sex for now, and that's her prerogative- but if that's the case, she owes you a rational, actual, (not text) conversation.

[oldshirt]

This was a multi-pronged test and you flunked and this is now her exit strategy.

 

Your relationship as you know it is dead. She's lost her interest in it and d this was basically her activating the self-destruct sequence.

 

She's put your sexlife on hold and her next step will be to take a "break" in the relationship. She will say this 'break' is to sort out her feelings to determine whether she should continue the relationship as a sexual one or not.

 

(In the mean time there isnt at least one other guy she is going to be trying on for size, but that will be another thread when you find out about him/them.)

 

Her next stage will be her saying, "let's-just-be-friends."

 

This relationship is over. Cut your losses, don't invest any more time and energy into her, don't fan the flames of drama and don't burn any bridges. Just say you enjoyed dating her and you'll always have warm, fond memories of her........then let her go and move on and find someone else yourself.

 

 

If you try to fight this battle and try to keep her, it will end in drama and hurt feelings and mutual bitterness and resentment.

[Million.to.1]

Sounded pretty straight forward to me

"I dont like pregnancy scares"

 

Thanks photofinish, but in my opinion, that is a pathetic excuse. No one knows why OP's girlfriend doesn't want to have sex. We are speculating, but considering she has had sex, and now doesn't want to, and the way she went about telling OP, spells excuses to me. Maybe she isn't mature enough to deal with the emotional side of sex, and that's fine, but making lame excuses to someone who want's intimacy with you, is cruel.

It's like suddenly deciding not to ever get in a car ever again because you "might" be involved in a crash.. but you want to keep your job as a courier.

 

I appreciate that you are probably quite young, a virgin, and probably religious due to your views on abortion. Therefore, your limited experience and knowledge of sex, birth control, and the risks involved with it, means you have made a decision that suits where you are at in life, and that's fine. That doesn't mean that your reasons are particularly rational or based on real facts or risks.

[TheGuard13]

Not have sex anymore? Sounds like she doesn't want to be your girlfriend anymore.

 

 

Might as well break up with her.

[Noproblem]

Maybe she doesn't enjoy sex with you

 

Maybe she still finds you attractive and likes you as a person, but she just doesn't enjoy it as much as you think she should.

Edited August 30, 2014 by Noproblem