How do I know?

[enya46]

Hello,

 

I'm 46, and single. I had a 10 year relationship I stepped out of because I felt I couldn't love that person anymore. He is a loving person and was always good to me, but I fell out of love. I tried to stay, but I just couldn't. We are now friends and though he is still hurting, I am sure that it is the best for both of us.

 

I've been involved in an A with a MM for the last year. I have a thread on that, but I don't want to bother everyone with those problems. I know it's not going anywhere.

 

This Summer in July, for the first time, I met a guy who I really would like to get to know better and somehow got my head a bit away from MM.

 

I met him by chance, when I was with my sister camping and doing some water sports. He was our teacher. Such a nice, open person. Good looking, sporty, helpful...wow, a very cute guy. He is 49.

 

Some coincidences kept us bumping into each other and when we left the camping, we kept in touch via FB (I befriended him, but he immediately accepted and started liking everything I posted). I sound like a teenager.

 

He doesn't have many friends on FB, like 30 more or less.

 

I started checking his FB friends (feeling ashamed again) and there is this woman who has the same last name as this 24 year old boy, who is also on his friends list.

Ok, now I need to explain: in my country, a person has two last names. The first one is the father's first last name and the second one is the mother's first last name.

This 24 year old boy has "my guy"s first last name and this woman's last name.

So, I'm pretty sure it's THEIR son.

 

That being said, this woman posts very cheesy (IMO) romantic quotes all the time, like having to do with second chances in life, and what you are really worth and others don't see, etc, etc

She "likes" all his posts and pictures and he "likes" some of her stuff, but not everything.

 

He has let me know (during a messenger conversation) that he has spent the whole last month working at the island camping where my sister and I were. No mention about family or wife or partner.

So I made up my own story: they were together, they have a son together, they are separated and remain friends.

 

There is absolutely nothing else I know about his private life.

 

I live in another country and will be moving back to mine in October, nearer to where he lives.

 

My question is now:

 

How do I know if he is already in a relationship?

How do I let him know I would like to meet him again?

How do I do all this without sounding impatient and needy?

 

 

Please help!

 

Thanks,

 

E.

Edited August 27, 2014 by enya46

[smackie9]

How about just asking him? "hey are you married or seeing someone?" Maybe we can go for a drink sometime? say like tomorrow night if you are not busy?"

 

That sounds desperate? I have asked guys out all the time...none of them ever thought I was desperate.

[enya46]

How about just asking him? "hey are you married or seeing someone?" Maybe we can go for a drink sometime? say like tomorrow night if you are not busy?"

 

That sounds desperate? I have asked guys out all the time...none of them ever thought I was desperate.

 

Thanks Smackie,

 

I'm usually also pretty straight forward myself, but this time I really feel insecure.

 

I just feel that I may have given him already some hints that I like him (I contacted him first over FB, I initiated some texts, which he very nicely replied to).

 

Maybe he's not married, not seeing someone....and not interested in me.

 

But then again, today I posted something really technical and work related on FB, ....and he liked it! Wtf??

 

E.

[smackie9]

Put your big girl panties on and ask him.

[slizl]

You step out of your 10 year realtionship without working on it, hook up with a married man, and now on to a potentially second married man? I just have nothing positive to say about this post, sorry.

[enya46]

You step out of your 10 year realtionship without working on it, hook up with a married man, and now on to a potentially second married man? I just have nothing positive to say about this post, sorry.

 

slizl,

what makes you think I didn't work on my relationship?

why do you criticize me for trying to know if the man I like now is married or not?

If you don't have any answer or comment to the question I posted, why do you even bother to write here?

You feel better now?

E.

[enya46]

Put your big girl panties on and ask him.

 

I texted him that I find him attractive and fun to talk with, and that btw I was wondering if he's single, because I didn't want to intrude.

 

No answer...

 

It's the first time he doesn't answer a text I write.

Maybe he wasn't expecting my question and now he just doesn't know how to back off.

[smackie9]

I texted him that I find him attractive and fun to talk with, and that btw I was wondering if he's single, because I didn't want to intrude.

 

No answer...

 

It's the first time he doesn't answer a text I write.

Maybe he wasn't expecting my question and now he just doesn't know how to back off.

 

It's very possible you were friends zoned and took his friendliness as sexual interest. Sounds like you got your answer. Onto the next one!

 

Oh BTW hats off to you for stepping up and asking him. This just saved you a whole lot of wondering.

[enya46]

Hello and Happy New Year to everybody!

Well, the last months have been very busy for me: new country (my country), new job, new challanges.

I've been in contact with this guy (the one I texted on the 28th August).

Turns out all my suspitions were true. He has been separated for two years now, was never married, but was in a 30 tear relationship with the mother of his 15 year old boy.

Doing the math, they had been together since they were 19!

 

We have had one single date end of october and several two to three hour telephone calls, which he initiated.

He says he feels comfortable with me but does not want to hurry things.

He says he is still suffering from the separation (she asked him to leave). He misses spending time with their son.

I asked him if he felt I was too persistent with my texts and wanting to meet and he said he will have more time after the 31st December, when he starts a new project he has and leaves his current job.

He said that if he thought I was persistant, he would not be calling me and talking on the phone for hours.

 

He seems like such a nice down-to-earth guy and I really want to get to know him better but he doesn't seem to be so interested. He doesn't seem to need me in his life, at least not yet.

 

I don't know what to do. If I back off and stop sending him a text now or then, I am afraid he will think I lost my hope and didn't want to wait.

 

But how long am I supposed to have hope that somebody finally starts wanting to try to know other people after a separation?

Are the two years that have passed too short for a 30 year relationship? I guess so...

 

What would you do?

 

Thanks,

Enya

[acrosstheuniverse]

Your gut response is correct, he is not interested enough in you, not for what you want. A single date and a handful of phone calls means nothing about his interest level, other than the fact it's pretty low.

 

Maybe he's still hurting from the separation (he told you as much), and just isn't looking to start something up with anyone else yet, maybe he knows it'd hurt both him and whoever he tries to date. But the point is, he's not in the right place for a relationship and usually, if someone is kinda on the fence about dating or not, the right person coming along might be the thing that makes them decide to start afresh. It's very rare for a guy to meet a woman, not be ready to date because he's still healing, then a few months later suddenly be ready, and pick the woman he already knows. I'm pretty sure he isn't going to turn around in however many months time and want to date you properly, and you shouldn't be waiting around for that anyway. Go and live your life, keep dating others. Be casual and breezy with this guy and accept nothing is going to happen. If he magically does step up the plate and want to take you out, you'll know about it. But I would bet money on that not happening.

[smackie9]

This fella is going to probably need a few more years OR needs to find the right one. If they are hesitant, never wait or hope for change. Never go by the it's not you it's me.....it is you. Move on and invest in someone who is on the same page as you.