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Faded?


hellon

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I'm pretty sure I got slow faded. I'm pretty sure- but I'm not COMPLETELY sure, because, well, how can I be? So here's the long and the short of it:

 

I went out a couple times with a guy recently, and thought we were planning for another date. When my free night rolled around and I hadn't heard from him, I just texted him with a "hi" and a link to something we had talked about. He responded pretty quickly, and said he was sorry we didn't get to hang out, but he was busy with work. Well maybe I'm a little jaded, but "too busy" is a red flag to me, so that made me put my guard up. Nevertheless, we chatted some more, and then he mentioned that he had decided to go out of town for a week. OK, at this point, I'm thinking, "Wow, if you don't want to hang out, you can just say so, you don't have to flee the country..." What I actually said was "OK, well maybe we can hang when you get back." To which he replied "Definitely : - )" Whoa. Definitely? Now I'm really confused. Fast forward to a week later, I checked in to see how his trip was going. He again responded right away, we chatted some more, I mentioned that I was going out of town also for a couple days, he said the equivalent of "cool, have a good time", I said "I will!" and that was pretty much that.

 

So, in short: 2 good dates, he leaves town, says he "definitely" wants to hang out in the future, but never makes further plans, and now it's been a couple of weeks since we've talked and a month since we hung out.

 

OK, I get the theory behind phasing someone out to let them down easy. I think it really sucks, but I get it. The perplexing part of this is that a) he was so responsive to my texts and b) he used the word "definitely." And, of course, I thought we had a good time on our dates, and there was definitely (ha) a mutual attraction. Or so I thought.

 

So now I'm sitting here obsessing. Was I too quick to jump to "he's not interested"? Did I misinterpret things?

Is it too late at this point to drop him a line? Do I save my dignity and try to let it go? This would be so much simpler if people just said what they meant and meant what they said.

 

What say you, members of the jury?

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Just because he said "definitely" does not mean that was his intent...I would put as much stock into it as "sure" or "sounds good". Until actions back it up, you just can't read that much into a word, especially through text.

 

 

It does sound like he is not interested, unfortunately. I've learned that a quick response back to a text can mean nothing - he may just be a texter, or a nice guy who will always respond.

 

 

I've found the best way to test the fade is quit texting or initiating conversation completely...if they don't text you again, obviously they weren't interested but just responded to your text to be polite. Then you know and can move on...

 

 

Some of the best advice I've received is if a guy likes you, he won't forget about you. There is no need to text them to "remind" them you exist. I have to remind myself of this often.

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Good advice, katinlc.

 

It's unfortunate that people think they're being nice by engaging when they're not interested in someone.

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starrynightz45

Unfortunately I think he wasn't interested for whatever reason, but wasn't brave enough to tell you, and thought he was somehow being nice by continuing to reply.

 

The thing is, you didn't jump the gun or think he was uninterested too soon- I think you are correct in your assessment. It's been 2 weeks. He's not out of town anymore and neither are you. It's been a month since the date. If he was genuinely interested, he would have at least initiated a text once in the past month. It seems like it's been all you though.

 

I think you put in more than enough effort and should move on at this point.

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You haven't done anything wrong at all. He's being nice, very laid back, but at the same time he clearly shows hes not too bothered about it either.

 

Speaking for myself as a guy. I'm quite laid back and text in a few words (as i hate txting), so my response to you would be 'definitely :) this Tuesday?'

 

So basically if i was going to be busy, but liked you enough and definitely wanted to meet up i would have made time before going away etc. Even if it was an hour.

 

On the other hand, i was on a date two weeks ago. Girl text me at the end of the night saying she had a lovely time and thanked me. I went back to her saying 'lets do it again'. Haven't spoke to her since. She was nice, but i clearly am not that interested.

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How often do I have to say this to you fellow Loveshackers.

 

If a man is interested. Its in his actions. He`d most likely follow up to see you by arranging for another date.

 

For someone who never makes arrangements and wanting to see you isnt in anyway wanting to see you. No actions equals no interest.

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It's sounds as though he likes you as a person and that he'd be open to friendship, but he doesn't see you in a romantic light.

 

 

If you have romantic feelings for him, then the best thing you could do is not to text him and to move on.

 

 

This actually happened to me a few years back. After letting lots of water pass under the bridge, he and I exchange the occasional email and hang out once or twice a year as friends.

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Umm...

 

Sounds like a fade, but over the month since you two went out on dates, when you texted him, it was a 'hi'...Then, he had to go out of town. Then you had to go out of town.

 

When I'm coming back from a trip, the last thing on my mind is to set up a date with someone I just met. I mean, I'm trying to get readjusted to being from out of town. That's why sometimes I put off dating at certain times of the year, cuz of stuff I got going on...I mean, it does get hard for me to juggle keeping someone's interest and living my life at times. It's easier to have a busy life after you're in an established RL with someone, cuz they probably have a key to your place and/or live with you and you don't have to go through so many hoops to be in contact with them when you get busy.

 

Maybe, maybe to see if he bites maybe you can give him a ring and say something like 'there's a movie/show/concert/restaurant that came out and I wonder if you'd like to check it out with me on Xday, at Xtime'. See if he agrees or comes back with a raincheck (and a "definite" raincheck, i.e. another date, time, etc to see you).

 

Then, for sure you'll have your answer, IMO.

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How often do I have to say this to you fellow Loveshackers.

 

If a man is interested. Its in his actions. He`d most likely follow up to see you by arranging for another date.

 

I think it's safe to say that as long as guys (and ladies) are out there sending mixed messages, you'll have to keep saying it.

 

I'm a pretty good judge of character. I pick up on social cues. I was pretty sure that the signals I was getting during and following dates 1 and 2 with this guy said "romantically interested." So either he's an actor (possible?), I can't read people as well as I thought (possible), or he drastically lost interest over the course of a couple days (most possible). It happens. I'm done trying to understand why. My point is, if someone shows interest, then loses interest, but then continues to engage, I'm not going straight to "he's not interested," because at that stage in the game, interest has been demonstrated, and I have no way of knowing that interest has been lost, because...

 

I am not a mind reader.

 

It's also just not that cut and dry. Sometimes people really are that busy. Sometimes they need more encouragement. I've learned from experience not to just assume, which is why I asked for input from the good people of LS.

 

Anyway, I won't be messaging this guy again.

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It's so rude how people are these days thinking they are being nice yet, it's one of the most cruel things you could do to a person leaving them hanging like that.

 

But let's forget what he's doing or wants. You need to put yourself first and assess what it is you want. Do you really want to date a man who can't bother to send you a text saying hi? I mean even if this guy texts or calls tomorrow don't you want a man who communicates much better than this? Who shows more interest than this?

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It's so rude how people are these days thinking they are being nice yet, it's one of the most cruel things you could do to a person leaving them hanging like that.

 

But let's forget what he's doing or wants. You need to put yourself first and assess what it is you want. Do you really want to date a man who can't bother to send you a text saying hi? I mean even if this guy texts or calls tomorrow don't you want a man who communicates much better than this? Who shows more interest than this?

 

I completely agree.

 

Honestly now that I have a clear perspective on the situation, I feel 90% better than in the weeks of wondering what was up. So let that be a lesson to anyone out there who thinks fading someone out, or giving them false hope, is a nice way to go. Most of us are adult enough to accept either no response, or a simple "not interested," and move on with our lives. And no one wants to be strung along, which is essentially what you're doing when you say "let's do this again" with no intention of making actual plans.

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I completely agree.

 

Honestly now that I have a clear perspective on the situation, I feel 90% better than in the weeks of wondering what was up. So let that be a lesson to anyone out there who thinks fading someone out, or giving them false hope, is a nice way to go. Most of us are adult enough to accept either no response, or a simple "not interested," and move on with our lives. And no one wants to be strung along, which is essentially what you're doing when you say "let's do this again" with no intention of making actual plans.

 

 

Absolutely you are right.

 

THE MAIN thing in the first few dates is to take things light hearted and just go with it. Remember that 1 or 2 dates is nothing. However, if things go like a BLAST on the first two dates this is definitely a good sign for things to come.

 

His loss!

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Absolutely you are right.

 

THE MAIN thing in the first few dates is to take things light hearted and just go with it. Remember that 1 or 2 dates is nothing. However, if things go like a BLAST on the first two dates this is definitely a good sign for things to come.

 

His loss!

 

Well thanks, I think it's his loss too. ;)

 

If only having a great time on a couple of dates actually signified anything- seems it's hard to tell if the other person is really as into it as you are.

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The fade is what cowards do when they lack the strength of character to just be honest and say " look sorry, you are a really nice girl but I don't feel chemistry with you"

 

If was into you and thought you were a catch/woman to bother with (since not all men can just be INTO a woman from date one), he would have arranged to meet you by now.

 

Instead of calling or texting you and telling you the harsh truth, he hoped you got the message and let it be.

 

It is plain and simple.

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