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Is she pulling away or needs more time time figuring our relationship?


cloud123

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I have met a girl at uni and we became good friends over time. I started to have feelings for her but she was in a relationship with her bf (now her ex) for 3 years. I did not say anything to her and at that time, her bf cheated on her. I was there for her and slowly I confessed my feelings for her. She asked me why I did not tell her earlier. I just said that I am not the kind of guy who breaks other's relationship. We dated on and off because she could not cope with others eyeing our relationship. At the end of uni level, we had a dispute where we went NC for four months. It was hard for both of us. But we met at graduation and and started to be friends again.

She told me that she dated a guy but things went wrong because she still has feelings for me. We started to get to know each other and by chance we were working in the same company but in different locations.

We started clearing everything and by June we started our relationship..Everything went well - we were seeing each other like twice or thrice a week after work...However couple days back, she was distant and I knew this because she told me at times that she would not talk and so on. She phoned me on Monday and told me that at times, she really likes my company but at times, it's as if I'm invading her space and that she feels suffocated. I told her many times that we both should and have a private life. But she told me that after her breakup with her ex she started to love her single life but at times needed someone by her side. She said she does not want to hurt me and she does not want to break up with me but following this discussion it's as if she was distant all the time..She told me that she had trust issues and that she does not have the same feeling she had when we were both at uni..

 

However, she started to phone me regularly and she seems much better than 2 weeks back (we have not seen each other for 3 weeks :/)...She told me that she already moved on about what she said to me and now she is feeling much better but the fact that we have not seen each other for 3 weeks is bugging me :/ (well i do know that we are both working) but it's as if she is not making time to see me.... I have been diagnostised with hernia and she phoned me everyday and yesterday told me that she was sorry we did not meet because of work schedule (well we both have busy schedules)...

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IMO if she can't dedicate adequate amount of quality time, then there is no point in having a relationship. She has her indecisiveness to deal with but it shouldn't be leaving you in uncertainty. It's time to give her an ultimatum. If she can't invest in this relationship the way you expect, then it's time to move on. There is nothing wrong with having expectations. If they can't be met, don't expect things to change, there is nothing more you can do about it, that is why I suggest just calling it quits.

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Tip: Never sell yourself short by dedicating all your time to someone who is iffy. There are plenty of other girls out there that will make full effort to be with you. Stop being this girl's emotional tampon, and find someone that isn't all messed up in her emotional crap.

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Teamsideshot

I have always been told that no matter how busy a person is...they will always find a way to see you if that's what they want to do.

 

Also, you guys were good friends for a long while prior to dating. I was very good friends with a girl once.....ended up getting married to her.....did not work out too well! Since we now have children together, I still have to interact with her....but we are pretty much being back to being friends with a twist.

 

I've always thought that a friendship is a good foundation for something more, but it seems that if that friendship is strong a bond...it just doesn't work out.

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OP I think the thing is that you are needy, and she is just keeping you around and looking for the next best thing.

 

OP date other people

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DazedandConfused8

It sounds like she's been through a lot and is really unsure of how your relationship should proceed. It's like she's being overly cautious because she knows you're a good guy and she doesn't want to ruin it. I'd take it slowly and be supportive of her.

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Well today she called me and told me that she does not want to hurt me. She just said that she cannot go past the relationship level and that she only feels the friendship that we had at university. She told me that she does not know what to do next and well finally i know that it's a break-up.I do admit it sucks and i do intend to change work when my contract ends..

Thank you for your replies.

kuddos

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It sounds like she considers you clingy and it sounds like that is not something she wants. It doesn't sound like she is ready for a full-time relationship but wants to date. Now, I realize that may not be fair to you. It's a delicate balance between giving her the space she wants and getting your relationship needs met and it could be a dealbreaker. So I don't suggest you do nothing and let her call all the shots, but I do suggest that if she doesn't want to see you often, contacting her in between will only make her want to see you less often. So I'd say stop the contact and save it for when you ask her out maybe once a week or once every two weeks and don't give her all that visit time over the phone or text but see if she wants it bad enough to go out face to face and spend time. And when you do go out -- go out, not stay in. Do something fun and don't fuss when the date is over. It's easier to give up chat time than face time is my point, so maybe don't even be available to just chat all the time since that only fills her cup, so to speak and does little for you.

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Well today she called me and told me that she does not want to hurt me. She just said that she cannot go past the relationship level and that she only feels the friendship that we had at university. She told me that she does not know what to do next and well finally i know that it's a break-up.I do admit it sucks and i do intend to change work when my contract ends..

Thank you for your replies.

kuddos

 

Thanks for the update. At least you can move on now. Unfortunately she was a coward, and did the excuses, avoidance crap instead of being straight with you. She said she didn't want to hurt you, but in reality she was, leaving you hang in uncertainty. Ya it sucks, but now you have your answer. Sorry for your loss. All the best.

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Itold me that at times, she really likes my company but at times, it's as if I'm invading her space and that she feels suffocated. I told her many times that we both should and have a private life.

 

An above poster suggested that you might be needy. This statement says it all. While it's possible that she and your expectations are entirely different it sounds like she really does like you especially with what she said about her other guy not working out because she still has feelings for you.

 

It is a fine line between having a "girlfriend" and having a private life to pick the best happy medium. Its a very complex thing and no person is the same even from relationship to relationship. I have had girlfriends that I spent every waking (and sleeping) moment together with and it was natural and we never tired of eachother. I have also had girlfriends with whom I really wanted and craved my alone time despite really loving them. I'm seeing a girl right now who is not even my girlfriend but I have spent 26 out of the past 36 days with her 24/7 and we still want to spend more time together.

 

While you can say that you think that each of you needs to live a private life, it is your actions that will lead her to feel suffocated. Even when your not physically around eachother this can bubble to the surface. Probing questions about her whereabouts, who she is with; asking questions like why cant she find the time to spend with you when she is backing away. Phoning or texting too often, or offering to hang out too often which while may seem sweet to you may seem suffocating to her. If you talk to her and she says she is doing nothing, and you propose to do something then feel dejected when she declines (maybe she wants to do nothing?) you take offense. These can all lead to a feeling of suffocation on her part.

 

I myself have felt suffocated by women at times, even when I loved them. Sometimes you just want to go off on your own. Sometimes (if you live with them) you just desperately want them to leave the house. Sometimes even if your in the same space you want to just have a conversation with someone (even someone of the opposite sex) for 10 or 15 minutes one-on-one without constantly involving your other half, and you wish they would get into their own conversation.

 

The dreaded moving too fast and being too lovey dovey all the time can cause this reaction too.

 

It is a complex subject... there is no way I can ascertain if you are making her feel this way unnecessarily, if it is just a difference in expectations or if it is just her looking for excuses.

 

Best thing to do is to ask her. Say to her, hey, you said that you feel suffocated at times. Can you honestly let me know how, and what I can do to not make you feel that way? Tell her you love her and you just want to know what expectations she has for private space and time. Hopefully she gives you an honest answer. Just say you want some constructive criticism.

 

If that doesn't work, its doomed.

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Don't take it personal...people coming from a break-up, especially from someone they dated for 3 years, are gonna need some time to get their head straight.

 

I'd say nothing wrong in hanging out with her, but you seem to want more and if you continue to "be there" for her while she sorts it out - you may end up being the emotional tampon and/or friend zoned.

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Well she phoned me at work and told me that she does not want to hurt me but right now,she can't be in a relationship right now...well don't think anything can be salvaged from now on...

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Well she phoned me at work and told me that she does not want to hurt me but right now,she can't be in a relationship right now...well don't think anything can be salvaged from now on...

 

Better to have closure right?

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Well it sucks but i do think it's life...I know i'll not heal right away because all the time I have been there for her and so on...

But thank you for your words

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  • 3 weeks later...
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