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Importance of banter/humor


avoforastig

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I've been dating a woman casually for a few months. However, she just doesn't usually seem to "get" my sense of humor like other people. She laughs at stuff I say but rarely seems to add any humor to the conversation herself. I often feel a bit drained by the end of dates since I feel like I have to put forth so much energy to keep things flowing. She's a really nice girl, maybe too nice to make fun of anything. Despite our high level of compatibility, I feel like I'm getting bored with her. Anyway, does it seem like a reasonable expectation for my gf to contribute to the conversation in a humorous way? Is there any way to coax a shy, passive person into expressing their humor?

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deathandtaxes

Some people are just dry that way. Maybe in time, but it's not anything you can really do much about. You either accept her as is, or you find somebody else that's more your style.

 

 

You can always try not to be so funny or humorous in conversations? Does she contribute to conversations in other ways? Is this non-humor thing just crowding out what she actually does contribute?

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I know plenty of shy people that are hilarious.

 

You have been dating for how long?

 

I dated this great guy for 3 months once. He never ever laughed at my jokes and teasing. I love laughing, it's among the first things I want in a mate, a good sense of humor.

 

So I asked this guy how long was his last relationship and why it ended. He said he dated a woman for 5 months and she basically broke up with him saying he had no sense of humor and he never laughed at her joke. I knew then this was really his personality and I put an end to it shortly after.

 

I know now I could not be long term with someone like that.

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TBH there isn't a high level of compatibility personality wise if she doesn't get your humor or even contribute to it. She doesn't mentally stimulate you. How you feel is natures way of saying "She is not the one." Stop trying to find ways to make her more acceptable to you.....it's a no brainer you should stop seeing her, two months is long enough to figure this out.

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I know plenty of shy people that are hilarious.

 

You have been dating for how long?

 

I dated this great guy for 3 months once. He never ever laughed at my jokes and teasing. I love laughing, it's among the first things I want in a mate, a good sense of humor.

 

So I asked this guy how long was his last relationship and why it ended. He said he dated a woman for 5 months and she basically broke up with him saying he had no sense of humor and he never laughed at her joke. I knew then this was really his personality and I put an end to it shortly after.

 

I know now I could not be long term with someone like that.

 

She definitely laughs at my jokes but just doesn't build upon them or "banter" like a lot of my good friends or family members do. It's been confusing, but I think this is the main reason my feelings have stalled out for her. I really like her a lot but having trouble bumping her up beyond that. Again, is this an unreasonable expectation?

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Maybe she is just the type of girl who doesn't like to banter. I think some people have that banter/wittiness inside them and it just comes out naturally. For other people they might just be more on the sweet side and not care to argue/banter over certain things.

 

My ex was a guy who liked to banter back and forth and argue certain points and I just didn't care for it. It actually got to the point of annoyance for me. But, that's why you date people to see what qualities you like and don't like. It's all about finding someone you are compatible enough with!

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PerfectStorm

Some people just aren't funny. Or have different styles of humor. Some people dont even think that's important in dating. To me it's hugely important to be able to make each other laugh.

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She laughs at stuff I say but rarely seems to add any humor to the conversation herself. I often feel a bit drained by the end of dates since I feel like I have to put forth so much energy to keep things flowing. She's a really nice girl, maybe too nice to make fun of anything. Despite our high level of compatibility, I feel like I'm getting bored with her. Anyway, does it seem like a reasonable expectation for my gf to contribute to the conversation in a humorous way??

 

She definitely laughs at my jokes but just doesn't build upon them or "banter" like a lot of my good friends or family members do.

What is your definition of "banter", in this case? If it is along the lines of "negative joking" or "good-natured" teasing, putting-down or making fun of others, then perhaps it is just the brand of "humour" that she doesn't find particularly appealing or want to promote/encourage.

 

What are her non-banter conversation skills? Can she hold her own as far as intellect, self-confidence, etc.?

 

If you feel that you're exhausting yourself just trying to be funny all the time -- or, having to be "funny for the both of you" -- then it's not the best fit for either of you.

 

It might be unreasonable to expect THIS woman to express whatever sense of humour she may possess...but it's not unreasonable to expect that from anyone who is comfortable expressing their humour. In any case, if that is your preference or one of your 'wants' or 'must-haves', then most assuredly you get to choose people who are naturally like that. (But to try to influence or "get" them to do what does not come naturally, comfortably...that wouldn't be too nice, of course.)

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Why are you working so hard to be funny? You said she laughs at your jokes but doesn't "get" your humour. This seems a bit unfair to me and like you're trying to talk yourself out of it. Everyone has a different idea of what is funny. If your entire dates consist of gags well I would be wondering why. I'm a pretty shy girl, I have an average sense of humour but like being serious and engaging in deep and meaningfuls too. I think you're incompatible.

 

Went on a first date with a guy and i made some simple jokes that didn't even reach him! I think he was nervous.

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For me banter, Witt, clicking with my partner is important. Building a friendship is important just as much as the romantic flame. If its not there its simply not there. You can't make it that way.

 

She maybe keeping it in too. I dated a guy briefly...I'd see snippets of it hidden under nerves..

I wouldn't waste much more of her or your time. Give it another few weeks, if its still the same then you're not compatible. You could do a few tests....including her in a group activity. See how she mingles with friends. Find a comedy club/night to go to.

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Well, not everyone can be the class clown. I'm am told I'm very funny, but I don't require my dates to have a great sense of humor too. I decided to have just three non-negotiables, otherwise it's going to be mathematically impossible to find a mate if I want that and that and that and a 50 items list. Sense of humor would be a plus, of course. But if for you is a must, definitely go find someone else who is funny like you.

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She definitely laughs at my jokes but just doesn't build upon them or "banter" like a lot of my good friends or family members do. It's been confusing, but I think this is the main reason my feelings have stalled out for her. I really like her a lot but having trouble bumping her up beyond that. Again, is this an unreasonable expectation?

 

It's not an unreasonable expectation, but it's unreasonable to expect her to fulfill it if bantering isn't her thing. Like a lot of us have pointed out, it's a sign that there is a lack of compatibility.

 

I myself have an expectation that is important as well. If my husband wasn't a car guy we wouldn't have made it past the first date.

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I've been dating a woman casually for a few months. However, she just doesn't usually seem to "get" my sense of humor like other people. She laughs at stuff I say but rarely seems to add any humor to the conversation herself. I often feel a bit drained by the end of dates since I feel like I have to put forth so much energy to keep things flowing. She's a really nice girl, maybe too nice to make fun of anything. Despite our high level of compatibility, I feel like I'm getting bored with her. Anyway, does it seem like a reasonable expectation for my gf to contribute to the conversation in a humorous way? Is there any way to coax a shy, passive person into expressing their humor?

 

Read the bold. This should have ended after 3 dates max. Dating should be fun, not "draining".

 

You simply don't "click" with each other and can't find other ways to mentally stimulate each other. The second item I bolded appears to be a complete contradiction. By compatible, you probably appear to mean this girl seems right on paper. But something doesn't jive when you're spending time together.

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Sense of humor is very very important. It says a lot about the person you're with. It's equally important that you can laugh together. It's one of those things that lasts while other things change in a relationship over time. Yes, to me, very important.

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Versacehottie

yeah, no banter is boring.

 

There are many types of banter; doesn't mean she has to match your level of wit or be as funny as you. She just has to ping-pong back in a way that works for you both. She may be a little shy about it at 2 months. A lot of people at only this amount of time in are still trying to appear "perfect" and don't want to break that facade. In some way let her know it's ok to be playful back and that you kinda need her to open up. If she can't do it after a reasonable period of time, then i'd say your compatibility is not good enough to survive.

 

No banter is code for "does not challenge me". And most people find that highly attractive, as it sounds like you do. A yes person is boring for people like us. good luck

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Humor is at the very very top of my list. For me it's essential and however good someone was at other elements of conversation it wouldn't outweigh a lack of humor for me.

I know my mum thinks mine and my fiancé relationships a tad strange cause we're just 75% banter, but I love that - I have the best banter with all my favourite people.

 

But that's me, people rate things as different levels of important - the catch is how important it is to you op!

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To be able to find someone who totally "gets" your humor and jokes along with you is important to you. It's not an unreasonable expectation. But expecting the girl to change...well, I'm not so sure she will, unless she's still hiding behind her facade or warming up slowly. But it's been several months so...this could possibly be her true self.

 

For me, I didn't realize sharing the same humor was important to me until I met my SO. I'm a shy, quiet girl and he somehow brought out the funny/silly/outspoken girl hiding in me.

 

OP, is this the same girl you've been mentioning in your previous threads? The one who "lacks style"? If so, your previous threads and this make the answer loud and clear: you're not attracted to her (that much) and you're both not compatible. It's sad to hear that you are "drained" after going on dates with her...

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