makoz Posted August 23, 2014 Share Posted August 23, 2014 (edited) Hello everyone! I've been on 2 dates with a girl. She is a sister of my brothers girl friend. I heard about her asking about me for a long time (first time 3 years ago) but I never really contacted her until I saw her facebook profile and saw how georgous she is, so I asked her out about 3 weeks ago. We went on two dates and had a great time, she said she spent a very very nice time with me. But about 3 days ago she said to me, that she wants to be fair with me cause she likes me very much and told me that she is seeing a guy for 6-7 months and she has feelings for him. They are not in the relationship though, just meeting and she doesn't know what is the future between them. He did some bad things in the past, but the relations between them started to get better about 3 weeks ago and she want to give it a try even though shes confused. She also told me, that she wanted to meet me for a very long time but she didn't have enough courage to ask my brother for my phone number, and if we met before she met this guy, she would love to date me with intentions of building a relationship but because of current events she doesn't want to be unfair to this dude and want to stay friends and hope im not mad at her. Another thing, this guy did something that made her lost her trust and now she is taking things slow to see if hes gonna regain it. I agreed to stay in contact and wished her all the best, but told her if the things between them won't work out and im still single, to contact me so we can go on a date. She said she if only i will be single, she will definitely contact me and be more than happy to go on a date with me. It seems like im a backup plan at first, but im not sure. What do you think and what you think about this situation and what is the best way to handle this? thank you for your insight. Edited August 23, 2014 by makoz Link to post Share on other sites
PogoStick Posted August 23, 2014 Share Posted August 23, 2014 Why aren't you sure if you're a backup? The other guy is her first choice. What you do is simple. Move on, think in your mind that it's her loss. The less you chase her the better your chances in her wanting you. In fact, the strongest move you can make is to friend zone her. Make things completely non sexual with her. Include her in your social circle but show her zero romantic interest. Even better if she sees you flirting and showing interest in other women. If she doesn't come around then you have a new girl anyways. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
MoreCoffee Posted August 23, 2014 Share Posted August 23, 2014 Then don't be a back up. Continue living life, dating, going out etc. knowing that she's figuring her current relationship out. Later, if the timing works out, then it works out. Don't put your life on hold for anyone and you'll never be 2nd best. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 23, 2014 Share Posted August 23, 2014 Her head knows you are the better choice but the heart wants what the heart wants & it's not you. Sorry. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author makoz Posted August 23, 2014 Author Share Posted August 23, 2014 Her head knows you are the better choice but the heart wants what the heart wants & it's not you. Sorry. So what do you think is the best thing to deal with situation? Should i like other users said (thank you for your insight) just move on and find another girl and start dating with her, or should i wait for a while, to see how things between them work out? Must say, I wouldn't want a situation where I start dating another girl causing her to fall in love with me when suddenly 'the girl' contacts me saying that things between her and this guy ended for good and she would love to go out with me. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 23, 2014 Share Posted August 23, 2014 This woman you fancy who likes another guy is unlikely to come around. Go off & find somebody else to date. You will most likely end up liking that person better anyway. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted August 23, 2014 Share Posted August 23, 2014 If she's seeing another guy and going out with you, shouldn't that tell you something? Fast forward a few months and she stops seeing the other guy and you and her start to build a relationship and she starts to "like" another guy she met and goes out with him while she's seeing you. If it's me, I don't care how good looking she is, your asking for trouble if the other guy finds out and she's pretty much telling you that she isn't really trustworthy. Your choice. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author makoz Posted August 23, 2014 Author Share Posted August 23, 2014 (edited) The difference is, they ARE NOT in the relationship, and won't be for some time if at all (she doesn't have a clue where all of these relations with him are going). For now they are just friends (she said that) so she has all the rights to date other guys, i don't see any problem with that, especially since she kept her distance physically with me on our dates for which I respect her for doing that concerning the situation that emerged. Of course I wouldn't date a girl who has a boyfriend and for sure she wouldn't date guys if she had one. She is a very good girl, and my family knows her family for a long time, so no doubt that she is careful to not do anything stupid that would harm those family relations (my brother was with her sister for 8 years, now they are friends). I know that she has a crush on me for years, and she doesn't even hide it (and that's the thing, I contacted her out of nowhere in the wrong time), but because she has a higher bond with this guy and has some feelings (and she thinks he has them too), she want to give him a chance to see if she can trust him again and therefore she told me honestly that she can't keep meeting me right now even though she would like to due to her feeling obliged to be fair with him. I think that shows that she isn't a "player". Still, I think it is be the best to move on and maybe we'll date in the future. We also rarely talk and I don't want to chat with her more often so she can figure out things without any pressure. Edited August 23, 2014 by makoz Link to post Share on other sites
truth_seeker Posted August 23, 2014 Share Posted August 23, 2014 This girl is trouble. She decides to date you (she was testing you out) then she reveals that she's been seeing this other for 6-7 months. She only revealed the other guy because after trying you out, she decided she likes the other guy better. If she liked you better, she would have never mentioned the other guy and would have given him the same story she gave you. You're into her beauty and not into her the person. I've been there and call tell it sucks and you're better off finding yourself a new girl. Link to post Share on other sites
Author makoz Posted August 23, 2014 Author Share Posted August 23, 2014 Got it, im gonna move on and never look back Link to post Share on other sites
truth_seeker Posted August 24, 2014 Share Posted August 24, 2014 sorry for grammer - *can tell you Link to post Share on other sites
purplesoccer34 Posted August 24, 2014 Share Posted August 24, 2014 I've been in a similar situation before. I wouldn't say I was the second choice, but the guy was confused out of his mind and didn't know what he wanted. It was like a constant battle in his head between me and another girl. Based on my experience, I would say very firmly: Stay as far away from this girl as you can. She's seeing another guy while dating you at the same time. She's not being trustworthy right now and probably wouldn't make a very trustworthy gf. You like her a lot, and I know you want to wait for her, but it's not worth it. It seems to me like she's keeping her options open, but is still waiting on the other guy to see if she can regain the trust she lost from him. In other words, the other guy seems to be the first choice. Either that, or she's just very confused about what she wants. You don't want to get sucked into any of this drama. Link to post Share on other sites
HomanWater Posted August 24, 2014 Share Posted August 24, 2014 she kept her distance physically with me on our datesWell. Since you say that, I might suggest she never really was into you romantically and is sensing you are into her and trying to let you down gently. Link to post Share on other sites
Author makoz Posted August 25, 2014 Author Share Posted August 25, 2014 Well. Since you say that, I might suggest she never really was into you romantically and is sensing you are into her and trying to let you down gently. I thought about that too. By keeping distance I meant no lips kissing and things that goes further, there was of course hugging at the start and the end of a date (and classic arm around her in the cinema), and kisses on the cheek and I know that this in most cases means no romantic interest, but things like: 1. this girl is shy by nature 2. guy in the background makes this topic unclear to me. And what's more, yesterday she initiated facebook chat with me and flooded me with information about her day, didn't have to to anything just ask questions. For now It really doesn't matter to me until she deal with that guy, but attraction wise, I would doubt there is none from her side. And what is important, you guys made me cautious regarding her actions about her being interested in two guys at the same time. Thank you for that. Link to post Share on other sites
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