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Being lied to; unsure how to proceed


stymie

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I met my girlfriend a little over two months ago. She is one of those women who always has guys lined up to be with her. "Andrea" is in her late 20s, very outgoing, charming, beautiful and intelligent. She has never been married and has no children.

 

 

She has been in only one long-term relationship, one that lasted approximately 6 years. "Joe" broke her heart by cheating on her. This was Joe's first significant relationship as well. (Andrea dated extensively in college before meeting Joe.)

 

 

Andrea and Joe were unwilling to break off their connection, however. Although Joe remains with the woman with whom he cheated on Andrea, they are still "friends" and meet regularly for lunch. He also occasionally helps her financially. (Andrea says that anyone who cannot accept this situation is free to get lost.)

 

 

After breaking up with Joe about two years ago, Andrea was unable to settle down with one guy. She dated extensively but treated every man as "disposable", contemptibly referring to her conquests as "ho's".

 

 

I realized all of this shortly after meeting Andrea. Despite the red flags, I pursued a relationship with her. We lived about 90 minutes apart; about a month after we met, I landed a job in her town, and she offered to let me move in with her, temporarily free of charge, since I couldn't yet afford to live on my own.

 

 

We began a sexual relationship, although she constantly received texts from her "ho's" and refused to stop, saying that since she and I weren't exclusively dating, she could do as she liked. After about a week of this, Andrea said that I hadn't yet asked her to be my girlfriend. I asked then and there, and she said yes. The implication was that we would be exclusive to one another from this point on. This is her first exclusive relationship in two years.

 

 

Andrea and I spent a lot of time together over the past five weeks, and gradually her feelings appeared to grow. I told her that I loved her after a short while; she said she wasn't "there yet" and could not reciprocate the sentiment.

 

 

Andrea became ill with a "feminine problem" about two weeks ago, and I did my best to take care of her, although she is quite independent. During this time, she said "I love you" for the first time. (I considered this a major milestone.) We talked about a possible future and trying to get her pregnant, the idea being to throw logic to the wind and see if such a crazy idea would be a good one.

 

 

Normally not the sentimental type, Andrea eventually told me that I was "doing great" supporting her during her illness, and thanked me. We seemed especially close at this point. Guys (mostly friends from college, I assumed, but also some ex-"ho's") continued to text her, but with less frequency. I was upset by this. Very occasionally, she would read me their texts and her replies, which were usually deliberately vague without actually telling the guy to stop texting. (She initially claimed to be unable to block a text message, but I corrected her.)

 

 

Andrea explained that instead of getting jealous when guys would hit on her, that I should be proud to have a girlfriend who was wanted by so many, that this is how Joe handled the situation when it arose during their relationship. I started to accept this way of thinking and decided to trust her.

 

 

Andrea has almost no girl friends; nearly all are male. She refuses to mix her love life and her social life, meaning that I am not allowed to meet Joe or any of her friends. I asked her what her reply would be if a guy were to ask her out. She said that she would tell the person, "I can't, I have a boyfriend."

 

 

About a week ago, she found out that her "feminine problem" was actually an STD, and the timeline indicated that I probably gave it to her. (She claimed to use condoms with previous encounters; we have never used them.) I was unaware of my condition, but she was understandably upset. At this point, an emotional divide began to occur.

 

 

Since then, she has opened back up a little bit. We continue to have sex on a daily basis. Andrea said that at first she considered kicking me out of her apartment and breaking up with me due to the STD, but she decided to let me stay and that she might be "throwing away a good thing" by calling off our relationship.

 

 

Andrea is also struggling financially, and Joe is unwilling to help her out in this area, having been told that she is dating someone for the first time since their breakup two years ago. The agreement for letting me continue to stay with her was that I pay for half of the rent and utilities when I get my first check at the end of the month. I agreed to this.

 

 

For the past 6 weeks or so, Andrea has had a job at a convenience store. As with anywhere she works or visits, customers make passes at her constantly. Sometimes they even give her money. She sometimes tells me about the advances from these men, but surely many go unreported. Andrea says that her general reaction is to be polite but subtly "blow them off."

 

 

Andrea keeps her phone password protected, but last night I managed to obtain the security code and read her texts. Sure enough, there were many messages from men I had no idea about, although to her credit, she tended to "blow them off" while not being rude. At the same time, at no point does she ever ask the person to not text her, that she has a boyfriend.

 

 

There were two series of messages that upset me. The first, from about 10 days ago, was from a guy she hadn't seen in about 5 months. After some small talk, she called him "buddy," to which he replied, "I'm not your buddy. I don't do to my buddies what I do to you." Later, he asked if she would like to see a movie; she replied that she would "love to" but was ill, but maybe they could go the next week. The guy replied the next day that he had already seen the film without her. This was the last text from this man.

 

 

Yesterday, Andrea met a trucker who apparently struck up a personal conversation with her. He agreed to help her out financially, and was obviously enamored with her, using "xoxoxoxo" and saying that he wanted to be her "special guy," not just an "average Joe." There was talk of him wanting to kiss her and see her in a bra. He asked for a picture of her, and Andrea texted a face photo that she took that day. She said that the way to become her "special one" was to help her financially. The trucker asked if there was "room in her life" for him, and she replied, "I'm open." He asked if they might be able to spend time together this weekend, to which she replied, "Sure."

 

 

Today, Andrea told me about meeting the trucker. She said that she was complaining about bills, and that the trucker went to an ATM and returned with $65 for her phone bill. I asked her if she gave the guy her number, and she replied that she did, but that she deliberately shared the wrong digits, "one number off." Although this was obviously a fabrication, I said nothing. I told Angela that such men would expect something in return for their generosity; she blew off this suggestion.

 

 

Andrea said that I had seemed unhappy recently, and I said that I was upset over our financial situation and the widening emotional gulf that seemed to grow over the past few weeks. She said that she didn't feel that we were growing farther apart. I asked her if she still loved me, and she said yes, although she doesn't say it because she's not the "lovey-dovey type."

 

 

So... this is the situation. I have been lied to at least twice. The first was when she told her ex-"ho" that she would like to see a movie with him and didn't mention that she had a boyfriend, as she had told me she would do. She actually asked this person for a date.

 

 

The other lie was with the trucker last night. She was partially truthful in mentioning the event, but clearly the conversation went much farther than she indicated. And the part about giving him the wrong phone number was an absolute fabrication. She may be just leading the guy on to take advantage of his generosity, and might lose interest once he stops helping her out... but who knows?

 

 

I love Andrea, but I am reaching a breaking point. I think that a large part of why she wants me to stay is because of financial support, and regular sex (with someone who has the same STD). This way, she doesn't have to tell her "secret" to anyone else, and is allowed to flirt at will.

 

 

I feel that I should say something to Andrea, but am unsure how to do so. She would surely react with anger if I told her that I accessed her text messages. At the very least, I want to confront her about the blatant lies and disrespect toward me.

 

 

Within a week, I will be forced to decide whether to give Andrea rent money or find a place of my own. Timing is important here. I am hesitant to act because technically her behavior may not constitute "cheating," although it is surely inappropriate. Maybe I should wait until evidence of actual physical contact occurs.

 

 

I don't want to lose Andrea, but something must be done. Any and all replies are appreciated.

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If she didn't use a condom with you, chances are she wasn't using one with any of her other partners. Just saying.

 

You've know this woman for 2 months, why would you be willing to put up with this bs?

 

Just leave. She doesn't care about or respect you.

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She sounds like a prostitute... Just saying...

 

If she is lying to you already , she will just keep lying. Is that the kind of relationship you want?

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I am not even going to touch the majority of what you said, you already seem to have a good understanding of where you are. But I did want to mention one thing.

 

I could never respect a person who uses others for money like that, be it her ex or this random trucker. It doesn't even matter what the actual relationships are with these people, just the fact that she is using others for cash tells me enough about her character.

 

Have you considered that now you are "that guy" that she is using for money?

 

Also as for paying rent... If rent is due and you have stayed there, even if you are leaving man up and pay your half. You owe that much. Have a little class and don't leave another human being holding an eviction notice like that.

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What is the best way to confront her about this? "Andrea, I was snooping through your phone and I found some disturbing texts?" Should I wait for the actual "cheating," or have I tolerated enough?!

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What is the best way to confront her about this? "Andrea, I was snooping through your phone and I found some disturbing texts?" Should I wait for the actual "cheating," or have I tolerated enough?!

 

Since I think you should leave her, and she does not care about you, I don't see the need for any kind of confrontation. Just tell her it's not working out and leave.

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What is the best way to confront her about this? "Andrea, I was snooping through your phone and I found some disturbing texts?" Should I wait for the actual "cheating," or have I tolerated enough?!

 

Why bother? Telling her all this is only going to give her the opportunity to tell you more lies.

 

Flirting is one thing. Using men for money is something else. Refusing to let you meet any of these men is a huge red flag; she is clearing doing things behind your back. I champion pre-existing opposite sex friends on these boards all the time always draw the line at EX's masquerading as friends. Unless the people are in the 30s plus & the other person is a BF/GF from his school, it's a big no no.

 

At the very least Andrea is an attention whore. She has low self esteem & needs the external validation. She will never change & because of that can never be fully & exclusively committed to one person. Do you really want to live like that?

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She must have lied about her age because, according to people on this forum, people who lie about their age lie about everything else. :rolleyes:

 

Seriously, I think she is the one who cheated on her ex, who then got fed up and left but still loved her enough to support her financially.

 

The last thing you want to do is get her pregnant!:eek: She'd just get an abortion and pretend she was still pregnant to get more money out of you plus blackmail every other guy she slept with into doing the same.

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ExpatInItaly

Get away from her. Get yourself tested for STIs and HIV. And for heaven's sake, use your head in the future and use a condom!

 

She sounds like she's trading sexual favours for money. I don't know whats's going through your mind that you call this person a "girlfriend." She's not.

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OP there's nothing to question here. Leave her behind and run for the next medical facility that can test you for STDs. This is your life at stake here, you know.

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She really sounds like bad news... If this is the beginning of the "relationship" then I wonder what the rest of the relationship is going to be like.

 

She does not seem trust worthy. I wouldn't trust someone who has to keep you a secret and keep secrets from you.

 

I would take everybody's advice and just run in the other direction.

 

She's no good for you. You deserve much better than that.

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TouchedByViolet

I don't give a **** how hot she is, or how much you are into her. You need to run. This crazy chick has got issues, and your health is in jeopardy with her.

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Your girlfriend is a prostitute. Surely that has occurred to you? She's friendlying up to guys who will help her financially. That STD probably came from her, not from you. She's just looking for any and all guys who will contribute to her financially.

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truth_seeker
Since I think you should leave her, and she does not care about you, I don't see the need for any kind of confrontation. Just tell her it's not working out and leave.

 

I have a feeling this girl does not like rejection. She is all about using people and then discarding them. If he tells her he's leaving she will flip out on him. She has to be in control and manipulate people. He would be turning the tables on her and this will only unleash the psycho in her.

 

My advice: get a job transfer. Until you get this transfer, play it cool. When you get a transfer, you tell her, you move out and talk about a long distance relationship. You might get lucky and she'll let you go. If she cries and complains, you tell her you will make it work - reassure her of this. Once you get settled in another state, far away from her, then you tell her sorry it won't work. You then block her from all contact. Also, do not tell her where you will be getting transferred to... throw her off if you have to... "they're sending me to Dallas." In reality you're going to Tampa. Disappear so she will never find you.

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This girl sounds like a nut job, could quite possibly have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) to go with her HPV! Run as fast as you can, it'll only get worse.

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A few days ago, I confronted Andrea about the texts that I found on her phone.

 

 

I began the conversation by asking her to be truthful, had she been involved in inappropriate conversations with other men? She denied that she had. I asked again for her to be truthful, and once again she denied any inappropriate behavior.

 

 

I explained that I knew she had been involved in some questionable chatting with men. "Have you been in my phone?" she asked. I replied that I had been, and confronted her with the two conversations in question: one from the ex who wanted to go on a date with her, the other from the trucker to whom she said her love life was "open" and she was "sure" that she would like to see him over the weekend.

 

 

This time, Andrea admitted to the texts. The ex she explained away as an "old friend." She said that if she had actually gone to the movies with him, it wouldn't have been a "date" but rather just hanging out. She has known this man since she was a teenager. I said that I was concerned about his comment that "I don't do to my buddies what I do to you," and she dismissed it, saying that she hadn't slept with him in a few years and that she had "slept with almost all of her childhood friends." Further, she said that she would have told me if they had decided to go to the movies.

 

 

The trucker was a different story. Andrea explained that she was just conning him for money, and that her co-workers had encouraged her to do so. She acknowledged that she went over the line with this guy, and apologized for doing so. Coincidentally (?), she lost her job at the convenience store and blocked the trucker's number from her phone.

 

 

I told Andrea that I insisted on her being truthful with me and that she not be involved in inappropriate conversations. She said that she "liked being inappropriate" and that she joked around with men frequently, that such conversations are inconsequential and "mean nothing."

 

 

We talked about what I should do at this point -- move out or leave. I told her that I had arranged for other living arrangements if necessary. This angered her, and soon her "abandonment" issues arose. (She was abandoned by her mother into foster care as a child, and ex-boyfriend Joe had left her after he cheated.) Andrea implied that I would be the next to abandon her if I were to leave, and that I was using her as a place to stay until I was financially stable. Eventually, I told her that I would stay and see how events played out in the near future.

 

 

Last night, Andrea told me about the events of her day. This included lunch with longtime ex-boyfriend Joe. She told Joe about having the STD that I must have given her, which "made him angry." She also told him about me snooping through her phone. Joe was surprised that Andrea hadn't dumped me over all of this.

 

 

I was angry that she confided all of this to Joe, but not surprised. I told Andrea that she was not over Joe, that he had emotionally wrecked her by breaking up with her, and that the frequent lunches were a way of maintaining a tie to him. She denied this, saying that she sees Joe as a "best friend" and "big brother," and that she has no one else to talk to. Andrea said that she wouldn't consider dating Joe again, but that he probably would be willing in the future, if he were single again. However, they would need to be apart for "about 10 years" to repair the damage that had been done. Now that Joe knows that Andrea has an STD, she said that she didn't think he would never consider taking her back. (It is worth mentioning that she confides in Joe about her love life, but she can't stand to hear about his girlfriend and any problems that they have, so his issues aren't discussed.)

 

 

Andrea said that she felt "smothered" by me, that I have been very controlling, and that she feels "damned if I do and damned if I don't." She said that she hadn't gone out with any of her friends (for fear of angering me or arousing my suspicion), and that all of her time was accounted for -- if she wasn't at work, she was home. Andrea explained that her new policy was to "tell me everything" rather than hide her behavior, and that I can sort through what upsets me and what I feel is acceptable. She changed the password on her phone, but says that I am free to go through her texts whenever I like (as long as she is present, of course).

 

 

We talked about our emotional involvement with one another, and Andrea said that although she loves me, she doesn't say it frequently and "isn't there yet," implying that I am much more emotionally attached to her than she is to me.

 

 

Recently, Andrea acquired a new external hard drive. Today, I was copying some movies to it, and had the "show hidden files" option enabled. Curiously, there was a hidden folder titled "Joe." In it are about 30 videos of them having sex, recorded in 2007. The files were apparently on her computer, and when she got the hard drive last week, she copied some files to the drive, including these videos. The videos weren't simply on her computer and forgotten about; they were purposefully saved to the new hard drive.

 

 

My intention was to "play it cool" for a while and not pressure her emotionally, but with the discovery of these videos, I am wondering if I should confront her about them. All signs point to danger...

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It's unfortunate when men act like doormats. The failure to realize that it is the most unattractive thing to a woman, but someone like this woman will certainly use it to her advantage. You need a good shake to wake you up.

 

"I am wondering if I should confront her about them. All signs point to danger..."

 

Confront? For what? You did before and lapped it all up like a puppydog and stayed.

 

All signs point to danger? Signs have long been pointing to danger.

 

Absolutely delusional.

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