How to end a friendship with a girl I love?

[CharlieFox]

So some of you are maybe familiar with my story, or maybe you would like to check it out first, but anyway, I will summarize briefly and then proceed to the thread.

 

I am in love with a girl who carried too much baggage from past relationships that finds it difficult to start a new one, so she keeps me close as a friend. Although we had a few moments that went beyond what you call typical for a friendship between a guy and a girl, nothing really came out of it.

 

She keeps telling me how much she misses me when I'm not around, that I make her really happy, and stuff like this, but we don't move beyond the point of being just friends.

 

I have made the decision to move on, but that would require me to end my friendship with her. It will be difficult for both of us, because from what I've seen, she really likes my company, and everyone else around us thinks she's head over heels for me, but as I said, it's nothing more than a friendship. Maybe she does have feelings for me, but I am tired of being around waiting for something to happen when it doesn't.

 

I am ready to take the consequences, no matter how hard it would be for me in the beginning, but I find it really difficult to find the right words to tell her. I am not really sure how to do it. I want to be 100% clear that she means a lot to me, but my feelings for her make it difficult to stay on board as just a friend. It is a situation where neither of us will fully benefit I think, and I don't want to give in to my emotions anymore and choose to stay as a friend just because I don't want to hurt her. I know what I want and I don't want to settle for less.

 

Can you guys give me an advice on how to proceed with this? I am really frustrated because of the nature of our relationship so I don't know which will be the right way to do it. Do I meet her, or write to her? What should I say? How can I make it perfectly clear that this is not negotiable and if I this is how it's going to be with us, I don't want to be just a friend anymore. Thanks in advance, I would really appreciate your responses.

[CharlieFox]

Consequences?? Are you ****ing kidding me? Stop being such a wuss. You really need to find your balls.

 

1) You're in the friendzone.

 

2) You're being used as an emotional tampon while she gets ****ed by other men.

 

3) You have a severe case of oneitis.

 

4) This girl is merely just using you and stringing you along.

 

Consequences as in loosing her as a friend and cutting all contact and feeling bad afterwards. Thank you for your reply, I am well aware what the situation is, and this is not the kind of input I am looking for.

 

I need help with how to find the right words to tell her I will no longer be her friend because I have feelings, and I want to do it respectably and want to be 100% clear. I don't want to give an uncertain talk that will make it easier for her to make me stay next to her. I want to let her know this is it and I am not willing to back off my decision, and I want her to understand my reasons.

[Mrin]

Holysmokes dude. I went through the same thing a little while ago. I can tell you what I did if that helps. Also, might I say, it was 100% the right decision. I actually ended up dating the most extraordinary woman just about a month after and now we are blissfully in love. I know with 100% certainty that if I had not cut off my friendship with the previous woman I would have completely missed this opportunity.

 

The Backstory: Dated the woman for about 3-4 months. Crazy sexual chemistry. Like CRAZY. Also, she was just an exotic person. Like no one I had ever met. I got cold feet due to some baggage issues she had and ended it. But then we remained friends but it turned out to be impossible. Texting turned into sexting. Dinners turned into... well you ge the idea. I dated a crapton of women during our friendship period but really couldn't get into any of them. I kept comparing chemistry with my chemistry with her and was continually disappointed. The chemistry with her was past life strong.

 

Finally, about a week after our last dinner "meet up" where things got pretty out of hand, I just realized I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't date her. But I couldn't be friends with her and I couldn't move on. So I decided to end it.

 

How I Ended It: I ended it with a letter. We always did all of our heavy communicating by letter as we are both writers. But I also needed to end it with finality. Make my points and move on. In person was totally out of the question as we all know where that would lead. On the phone - mmmmm not really a good venue. But in a letter I could make my points and end it with finality.

 

So I wrote her a beautiful letter. In some ways it was a love letter. Telling her exactly what I found so amazing about her and about us. But also pointing out that we had no future, no path forward. And finally concluding that just having her in my life as a friend prevented me (and her) from moving on. That we were stuck in a lover's limbo and that there was simply no way out. I told her that it was very hard for me to say goodbye but I had to and that I wished her the very best in the rest of her life.

 

After I knew she had received it I terminated all connections. No Facebook. No Twitter. No instant messenger, no Skype and deleted her number from my phone. It sucked for about a week and I second guessed myself a bit as I genuinely cared for her.

 

My only regret is that I didn't thank her for the time we spent together. That would have been the right thing to do.

 

Anyhow, less that 24 hours after I sent the letter, my present GF contacted me on Match and the rest, as they say, is history.

 

In closing, I'd say be kind, praising, but also firm in why you can't be friends. And finally, leave no room for backtracking. Make it clear that you never expect or desire further contact.

[Gaeta]

I need help with how to find the right words to tell her I will no longer be her friend because I have feelings, and I want to do it respectably and want to be 100% clear. I don't want to give an uncertain talk that will make it easier for her to make me stay next to her. I want to let her know this is it and I am not willing to back off my decision, and I want her to understand my reasons.

 

You don't need to do any explanations she knows exactly why you have to do this.

 

I would send her a short email. The type of emails that says It's better for you to put an end to your friendship, please do not contact me I will not be responding and take care. And DO IT.

[blue_jay_bird]

Tell her:

 

"I want to be 100% clear that you means a lot to me, but my feelings for you make it difficult to stay on board as just a friend. I feel this is a situation where neither of us will fully benefit, and I don't want to give in to my emotions anymore and choose to stay as a friend just because I don't want to hurt you. I know what I want and I don't want to settle for less."

 

BTW I cut and pasted this from your text.

 

Make it clear you will no longer be friends.

 

When I was young. I was great friends with this guy who had feelings for me. I also really really cared for him but..

 

One day he became cold stopped calling, texting, hanging. I kept trying to keep the friendship alive, and felt like a fu ck ing idiot as he blew me off and hurt my feelings. It felt really cold to be treated like nothing. I thought it was something I did.. weeks of kind of hanging out with a cold shoulder. It was badd.

 

What I really wish had happened was he had the balls to tell me how he felt. If he had said what is above my feeling would not have been hurt.

 

Their is no shame in feeling the way you do. If you tell her how you feel she will not resent/ hate you.

 

When you tell her, make it clear you will not be hanging out anymore. I would have deep respect for anyone that told me this truth.

Edited August 22, 2014 by blue_jay_bird

[d0nnivain]

Is there any chance that an ultimatum will work in your favor?

 

By that I mean what do you think will happen if you sit her down & tell her again that you like her & want to date her because you two could be good together? If she hems & haws & waffles you say that you are sorry that she' snot all in but if she cares about you at all she's respect your decision to disappear out of her life for a while because you need to get over her & the only way you can do that is to not be around her. She should either jump into your arms or back off.

[CharlieFox]

Is there any chance that an ultimatum will work in your favor?

 

By that I mean what do you think will happen if you sit her down & tell her again that you like her & want to date her because you two could be good together? If she hems & haws & waffles you say that you are sorry that she' snot all in but if she cares about you at all she's respect your decision to disappear out of her life for a while because you need to get over her & the only way you can do that is to not be around her. She should either jump into your arms or back off.

 

No, I don't want to go for any ultimatums. I don't want to give her the opportunity to re-negotiate our friendship by taking advantage of my feelings for her. I want to be 100% clear that this is what I want and I am willing to walk away if I don't get it. But I don't want to sound like I'm doing it to get her jumping into my arms. I seriously can't live like that anymore and I need to make this change. And I want to do it in a respectable way, but I'm struggling to find the right words.

[todreaminblue]

when i struggle for words its normally because i cant be flat out honest...plain and simple words and i never struggle even if i am worried or anxious about the outcome..........i dont have to have anything memoroized or known off by heart i just say it simply.....

 

 

so

 

 

say i like you more than a friend, i cant just be your friend anymore it is too hard and i am tired of hiding how i feel(it is tiring for you isnt it)....im sorry if this hurts you but honestly i think its best for both of us if our friendship doesnt continue...deb

Edited August 23, 2014 by todreaminblue

[d0nnivain]

No, I don't want to go for any ultimatums. I don't want to give her the opportunity to re-negotiate our friendship by taking advantage of my feelings for her. I want to be 100% clear that this is what I want and I am willing to walk away if I don't get it. But I don't want to sound like I'm doing it to get her jumping into my arms. I seriously can't live like that anymore and I need to make this change. And I want to do it in a respectable way, but I'm struggling to find the right words.

 

You do want her to jump into your arms. Isn't that the point?

 

That's why I suggested one more conversation where you say

 

Look, I like you & want to date you. I think we could be good together. If you don't feel the same I have to respect that but you also have to respect me & right now I can't be just your friend

so

I'

m

going to disappear for a while. Let me go.

[CharlieFox]

How do I set up the meeting though? It is easier to do it in an email, but I prefer to talk to her eye to eye. I want to do it with certainty, but I don't want to make it overly dramatic. I also don't want to give her a chance to start convincing me otherwise (I read something like that in another similar story, and I have no idea if she will react like that, but I want to be prepared in this case).

[SycamoreCircle]

I think it is a mistake to think you must explain something to her. You secretly wish she will cave. You need to dispense of such expectations. It is coercion. It is unattractive.

 

Distance yourself. Do your thing. Focus on new and positive projects. Avoid her. She will know why you're not responding to her. Women aren't stupid.

 

This approach eliminates the "hope" that comes from a discourse. By communicating your decision you are in effect initiating a dialogue. That is confusing---for both of you.

 

Let it go. Move on.

[isisisweeping]

Tell her. Absolutely tell her given the situation.

 

 

Just be honest, Maintaining a friendship with you given my feelings is too difficult so I need to discontinue all communication. Best of luck to you.

[CharlieFox]

I tried distancing myself a few times, and then she always comes back and says she really misses me and wonders what I've been doing recently and why I am not writing to her. I always come up with the "I was busy" explanation, but eventually, a dialogue about this is bound to happen, no matter what.

 

If I just distance myself like that, it would always feel to me that I can go back and lie to myself and hope again that we can be together. I need some sort of closure, so it's with or without her.

[darkmoon]

tel her gently that she has a choice, either get to bed if you know what i mean, or you will move on, give her a few days to think it over, no push or anger

 

i think you are colluding a bit, since so far your responses to her have been to your own detriment, she has you just where her drama, sorry but it is drama, needs you to be in her mind

 

just try a new reaction to her, give her a choice

 

you can not be celibate forever to please her, she is asking and getting a lot from you as it is

Edited August 23, 2014 by darkmoon

[CharlieFox]

"I like you, and I think you and I will make a great couple. We already have a great chemistry and I would love to try a relationship with you. Being in a meaningful relationship with someone I deeply connect with is important for me and is something I want to explore. If you don't feel the same way, I respect that. But then I have to move on, because I have to look elsewhere for that and find someone who will respond to my affection. And I cannot be emotionally available for someone else while I still have unresolved feelings for you."

 

Does this sound right and clear? Or is it too dramatic and unspecific?

[darkmoon]

if this is what is on your mind, then say it (she has a few days to mull it over?) she might come back to you more sorted out than you expect

 

she ought to do things your way, if only for a week's try, let's say

 

you did not use the words "I love you" women tend to need such unambiguous acceptance, romance, you could say, and tend to plan for the future, sometimes...

Edited August 23, 2014 by darkmoon

[d0nnivain]

It's a little over the top but you are on the right track. They have to be your words.

 

In person is the way to go. If you send her an e-mail or text she should blow you off on principle for being lame. Sincere mature people talk about relationships & emotions in person.

 

You set up the meeting by calling her & saying Hey I need to talk to you. Can you meet me on [date] [time] at [place] . . . pick someplace public & neutral but not too noisy & someplace a bit romantic -- not fast food or a well lit coffee shop.

[CharlieFox]

you did not use the words "I love you" women tend to need such unambiguous acceptance, romance, you could say, and tend to plan for the future, sometimes...

 

I didn't quite understand that... You think it's a good idea to say "I love you", or it's not a good idea to do so?

 

It's a little over the top but you are on the right track. They have to be your words.

 

Over the top, why? I mean, I thought I was very specific and not over the top, but now you say otherwise which makes me wonder what I can say to better express myself without being over the top.

 

\You set up the meeting by calling her & saying Hey I need to talk to you. Can you meet me on [date] [time] at [place] . . . pick someplace public & neutral but not too noisy & someplace a bit romantic -- not fast food or a well lit coffee shop.

 

I think about meeting her in the park where we went out for the first time which has significance for our connection, it's not noisy

[d0nnivain]

"I like you, and I think you and I will make a great couple. We already have a great chemistry and I would love to try a relationship with you. Being in a meaningful relationship with someone I deeply connect with is important for me and is something I want to explore. If you don't feel the same way, I respect that. But then I have to move on, because I have to look elsewhere for that and find someone who will respond to my affection. And I cannot be emotionally available for someone else while I still have unresolved feelings for you."

 

The two highlighted phrases make it over the top for me. You want her to date you. That's getting in too deep too fast. Lose that sentence & I think you will be fine . . . clear but not pushy.

 

She may very well still say she's not ready or she only sees you as a friend but at least you will have tried and you will be free to go off & heal until you are able to love again.

 

Good luck.

[CharlieFox]

The two highlighted phrases make it over the top for me. You want her to date you. That's getting in too deep too fast. Lose that sentence & I think you will be fine . . . clear but not pushy.

 

She may very well still say she's not ready or she only sees you as a friend but at least you will have tried and you will be free to go off & heal until you are able to love again.

 

Good luck.

 

Well if you call 8 months too fast, okay. But it's because she was the one that mentioned a few times before that she feels a connection and chemistry with me she never felt before and it's overwhelming. And because before she mentioned she is not the 1 night hookup girl, she is more of a girl who wants to be in a relationship with someone special.

[d0nnivain]

You know her. I don't. You have to say what feels right for you.

[darkmoon]

you said you love her in the title of this thread, seems a shame not to offer your best, sort of thing

[CharlieFox]

I do love her, but I don't want to scare her by saying it. She isn't obligated to respond to my love anyway. So I don't think it's necessary to say it.

[SycamoreCircle]

I tried distancing myself a few times, and then she always comes back and says she really misses me and wonders what I've been doing recently and why I am not writing to her. I always come up with the "I was busy" explanation, but eventually, a dialogue about this is bound to happen, no matter what.

 

If I just distance myself like that, it would always feel to me that I can go back and lie to myself and hope again that we can be together. I need some sort of closure, so it's with or without her.

 

 

Closure comes from within oneself, never from someone else. Distance yourself. She sends you a message. Ignore it. You think you're going to wrest some sort of satisfactory answer from a person like this? You're setting yourself up for more of the same.

 

Consider what you know and feel about this relationship. Now multiply that times ten---that is how much more aware this woman is of what is going on and what she is doing. Don't be a dummy. Just say "NO" to people who don't know what they want.

[CharlieFox]

Closure comes from within oneself, never from someone else. Distance yourself. She sends you a message. Ignore it. You think you're going to wrest some sort of satisfactory answer from a person like this? You're setting yourself up for more of the same.

 

Thanks for your reply. I get it, "closure comes within ourselves", "happiness comes from within", etc... But I'm not a perfect human being - I can't just stay close to someone forever and hope my feelings will fade away. And I can't just distance myself like that; I have feelings and they stand in the way of doing that - I want to know where we stand. If she's open to try a relationship, fine. If she doesn't want it, then I leave. That's it, no ambiguous disappearing. I am not going to change my mind about talking to her and making it clear, I just need help with how to make it the right way, as this is the first time I've been in a situation like this and I don't know how to proceed.