Women- would you want an apology from an abusive ex?

[ZomgAzolly]

I'm the abusive ex.

 

Background: 2 years ago me and this girl dated. We dated for a year. First relationship that i had that lasted over a few months (we were only 17). Things were great at first, then they got really bad. I would get super paranoid and accuse her of cheating, try to stop her from hanging out with her friends, threaten to kill myself etc... I was the boyfriend from hell.

 

I didn't know it at the time but I have bpd. Basically my emotions go crazy sometimes and i get paranoid. I'm also really scared of rejection. At the time what i was doing made so much sense. Seemed like i was right and she was wrong (in my head) but looking back on it i feel like a piece of trash. I wish i could turn back the clock or something.

 

So anyway she tried to stick by me through all the craziness (shows how good of a person she really is) but eventually the constant accusing, name calling, etc lead to her actually cheating.

 

I freaked out after she cheated. Threatened to kill myself. Threatened to tell her secrets etc... After that episode we broke up completely. We never had a conversation or anything. I just ran her off by freaking out. Ended up changing my number and moving out of state that same week (was right after graduation).

 

She came around my moms place looking for me once about a year ago. And she sent me a really long facebook message (before i deactivated it) basically telling me that i needed help but that she would never have another boyfriend. Also a year ago. I never contacted her back

 

 

Fastforward to now: She stopped by my mothers house again recently.

 

I've grown and i can really see the error in my ways now. I don't want to get back with her. I don't think its healthy for me to try and date anyone ever cuz i'm obviously not calm enough for a relationship.

 

But i want to apologize to her. And maybe explain to her why i did the things that i did and thank her for even trying to help me. I also owe her a couple hundred dollars (prom) that i want to give back to her. I was thinking about just sending her a facebook message and offering to wire her the cash?

 

But at this point idk if trying to reach out will do more harm then good. I don't want to scare her or bring up old feelings. Any opinions on what i should do?

[PegNosePete]

I am not a woman but no I would not want an apology form an abusive ex. I would want them to stay the F away from me, forever.

[CarrieT]

But i want to apologize to her. And maybe explain to her why i did the things that i did and thank her for even trying to help me. I also owe her a couple hundred dollars (prom) that i want to give back to her. I was thinking about just sending her a facebook message and offering to wire her the cash?

Nope, nope, nope.

 

Send her the money (via a mutual friend), but all means, but there is NO explanation that will help her.

 

I had an abusive Ex and after I healed, I had the answered I need with the distance of time. She has that now and hearing from you will only scrape open the wounds.

[HappyLove]

No, you're only contacting her out of your own guilt to make YOURSELF feel better. Leave her be. Good for you for realizing you have a problem and I hope you're seeking counseling and help for it.

[genuinelyloverly7]

I can't say what your ex would want, but I will say that after I left my wildly abusive ex husband (I left him 10 years ago) I didn't want him to know where I was, or what I was doing or who I knew and talked to. I had pretty bad PTSD and the idea that he might reinsert himself into my life was almost paralyzing. I think because whatever it was that kept me from leaving, it needed time to work it's way out of my mind and soul and life.

 

However.... About 4-5 moths ago I got a fb message from him, making amends and apologizing for everything he did. He remembered things I thought his drug and alcohol soaked brain wouldn't even process... Not that he detailed them in his apology! Anyway, given the time and my personal healing, it felt, not good, but complete maybe, to hear his amends and apology. And even on a very distant level, to know that he had gotten help.

 

He hasn't tried to become my friend, or keep in touch, for which I'm happy. I did tell him I accepted his amends, and even got to hear how our dog was (I left her with his parents).

 

So give it some time; truly truly work on yourself, and hold that amends as a goal for yourself. The universe will give you an opportunity to make it happen when it's the right time. And I'm really glad your working on healing (part of which is workin on your ability to engage in healthy long term relationships, by the way)

[preraph]

I wouldn't want to hear from abusive ex anything except "I am now in therapy." Obviously, if she's keeping up with you through your mom, she is concerned about you. If you have not gone through therapy or anger management or whatever a professional recommended to control your behavior, then you should not be around her. But send her the money via snail mail.

 

You say you were paranoid. That may be a real condition treatable through therapy. I know it didn't just go away in this two years. You just realize how crazy you got. Now you must officially go do something about it while you're young and changeable. Good luck.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

You say you were paranoid. That may be a real condition treatable through therapy. I know it didn't just go away in this two years. You just realize how crazy you got. Now you must officially go do something about it while you're young and changeable. Good luck.

 

I absolutely agree! For BPD you need lots of therapy. As much of I know of it, BPD people have no emotional skin and are always looking for validation in some regards through other people. My friend had an ex with BPD, she had it rough and made it a goal to have no contact with him for at least two to three years.

 

I had an abusive ex, I was the one after years to like "knock on the proverbial" door so to speak and wonder how he was doing. Surprisingly, he didn't want anything to do with me, and i wasn't the one that was abusive. Sometimes, you'll never get that phone call, that email or that letter. And holding out for that contact or communication isn't good for you either. The best thing is to heal for yourself. There is a saying that I totally disagree with; if you have baggage, find someone ( a relationship) to help you un-pack. My advice in that regards is don't. Don't ever think it's someone else's job to "heal" you. Thank goodness you realised that you won't find that in a relationship. Many people without mental illness's don't even know that. Awesome that you do. Seek therapy, seek counselling, seek medication and start making the life you want to live for yourself. If that "contact" ever comes around and you bump into each other, perhaps that's a divine appointment. Sometimes it's better to forgive yourself first, before the "opportunity" comes for reconciliation with others.

[OnlyJake]

Do not contact her.

 

I was in an abusive relationship with someone years ago. While we were in the relationship I would have given anything to have him acknowledge his behavior and apologize.

 

After going to therapy and coming to terms with everything, and moving on, I want nothing to do with him and don't care to ever hear from him again.

 

My therapist obviously couldn't diagnose someone she wasn't seeing, but she thought he was probably borderline, by the way.

[GemmaUK]

No, I absolutely wouldn't. I hope I never see him nor have any contact with him again.

 

My abusive ex took me through five out of seven months of his controlling ridiculous behaviour and constant demands.

Actually,it went on for a further 5 months after splitting up too in any way he could have an excuse.

It was all down to his insecurities and needing everything to revolve around him. It was like dating a toddler in a lot of ways, not a man.

If he tried to contact me to get in touch I would just see it as another attempt to get some reassurance for how he is feeling (again) with no consideration as to how I might feel (again).

Another 'me me me' situation.

I had enough of that at the time.

 

If you want to get the cash back to her then give it to your Mum to pass on to her.